by Anna J.
My mom seemed to shrink before my eyes, the tears escaping her eyes in buckets. My dad just had a look of disbelief on his face, and he seemed smaller in stature as well. He had to be wondering where he went wrong with us. They gave us the best of everything. How could his son, out of all the people’s sons in the world, die of a drug overdose? It was a huge pill to swallow for him. He didn’t want to accept it, and I understood. I saw it happening and couldn’t accept it either. All of this was some bullshit, and the guilt just ate at me. I was so busy trying to get mine that I left him to his own devices. I should have been more attentive.
They set it up so that we would never have a worry in our lives. We absolutely wanted for nothing ever. Even my shit was set up properly to run one of my dad’s doctor’s offices once I graduated. They didn’t ask much of us, just to maintain our grades and graduate. The rest would be handed to us on a golden platter. I felt horrible having to keep all of what I knew inside. Knowing the truth would be more painful than not, but they wouldn’t be able to handle any of it. They didn’t grow up in the hood, so they didn’t understand hood struggle. They were an elite bunch. This shit we were into was not a damn tea party.
By the time we left the hospital and I got my parents tucked away in the hotel for the night, I was ready to just fall back. I had a lot to process and a lot to take on. I dozed off for what felt like the first time in days, and the insistent buzzing of my cell phone finally woke me up. Further inspection showed that I missed over twenty calls and even more texts from Goon.
OG tried to rob the warehouse.
I jumped up from my bed and ran down to the car, calling Goon back as I moved. I saw I was going to have to make an example out of this dude when I really didn’t want to. Why was everyone being difficult at one of the most difficult times in my life? I needed to be mourning my brother, comforting my parents, and making sure Chantel was okay. All of this shit was happening at the wrong time. I promise you when it rains, it storms harder than a motherfucker.
Meet me at his house. They already tied up.
I backtracked to the same place I spoke with OG’s baby mom the day before. When I walked in, I saw OG strapped to a chair with blood everywhere. His left eye was swollen and damn near closed. Goon looked heated, an emotion he barely showed. I figured it was because he personally bought OG to me and he was feeling betrayed. Of the two of us, he was definitely the more levelheaded one. I would comfort him later, but now it was time to handle business. We had a situation on our hands.
Furniture was flipped around like shit got real before I got there. There was also a body with a huge amount of blood around the head lying in the dining area. I could smell blood in the air, and it made me uncomfortable.
I could never get to be okay with killing people. It just wasn’t in my makeup. My parents didn’t raise me like that.
“OG, tell me what’s going on?” I asked as I texted another member of the squad to get the container and bring some gasoline over. I wasn’t even about to get into a long, drawn-out discussion on the why’s and why-nots. It didn’t matter. When you went against the grain, you died. No exceptions. I hated that this was the person I had become. I was allowing people to bring out the worst in me.
“I needed more. I wasn’t making enough,” he said as his head hung low. He was embarrassed.
I liked OG, and this shit made it harder than it needed to be. He tried to rob the warehouse. What the fuck was I supposed to do with that? We could work out him being short and even losing clientele, but trying to rob me changed the game. There was no way I could let him walk after this. It would change the dynamic of the team, and I couldn’t afford it.
“Did you make enough to buy your truck?” I asked as I began to walk through the house. I saw that Goon had already bagged up what little bit of product OG had in the crib. Wasn’t any use in losing it all in the fire.
At this point, it was like 3 a.m. My parents were in town, my brother was dead, and I wasn’t really in the mood for anything else at the moment. In hindsight, I probably was thinking irrationally, but what was done was done.
“Yes, but—”
“Was trying to rob me worth it?” I continued to quiz him as I began to pour the gasoline on the kitchen floor. “Put the bodies in the back room and move quick. It’s about to get real hot in here,” I instructed Goon as I totally ignored OG’s pleading. The pregnant baby mom, the son, and him would all be unrecognizable by morning. I knew at that moment I was truly a monster.
As I circled him with flammable fluid, I made sure not to actually get any on him. I wanted him to feel the heat before it hit him. I wanted him, even in death, to never forget this moment. More importantly, the people that were there to witness this wouldn’t forget it either.
“Can we spare her and the kids? It’s not her fault,” Goon pleaded when I first got there.
This shit was tugging at my heart strings, but I had to set the example. Everybody got it—cat, dog, mom, and goldfish. No one was off limits. I knew this made me seem heartless, and at the moment, I probably was. I had other shit going on. He definitely caught me at the wrong damn time.
Once Goon secured the bodies, I set the blaze in the kitchen, then tossed a match at his feet before exiting. I could hear his screams from blocks away as we hastily made an escape like OJ Simpson in a white Bronco. Even if they got the other body, the goal was to make sure he didn’t make it out alive.
Goon and I went our separate ways, planning to meet up the next day. He stayed in his girl’s dorm, and I stayed in ours.
When I woke up the next day, I saw it on the news that there was a bad house fire overnight. The bodies found inside were completely charred and unrecognizable, and they would have to use dental records to identify the victims. When I looked at my phone, Goon had sent me a black heart in a text, indicating that all would be good. Tears filled my eyes for the first time since my brother passed, and I could barely breathe. I felt like I was losing it completely. I lay back in the bed, trying to decide how to move forward when my phone began to ring.
“Hello,” I answered, pretending like I was still asleep.
“Chase, I’m pregnant,” Chantel revealed, busting out in tears.
Did my brother know? I offered to meet her at her house, where we could sit face to face. All of this was just too much, and I just wasn’t ready for it.
Selah
Fast Forward Eye Opener
This man was a real live killer. Like, what the fuck?
The bath water had gotten cold as we sat there and I listened to him pour his heart out. For the first time in our relationship, I was scared of him. If he could kill a pregnant woman and her child, who in the hell was I to think I was any different? Shit, I still had questions. How did he end up in Philly? What happened to his friend Goon? Was he one of the guys I saw him with sometimes, or did he make it to the NBA? This man of mine that I loved with everything in me was a fucking murderer . . . just like me. I was scared for my life, but I didn’t want to leave him.
“I’ve made a lot of mistakes, babe,” he said as he let the water from the tub and stood so that we could get clean. Tears ran from his eyes, probably for the first time ever. He probably didn’t have time to grieve his brother or process having to kill other people after. He scared me, but I loved him. I had to be there for him. He probably never spoke all of this shit out loud before, so it had to be a shock to his senses as well. Imagine holding in years of hurt that haunted you at night, and you finally got to release it. It would feel amazing and petrifying at the same time. I was glad he trusted me at this level.
Taking the loofah from his hands, I soaped it up and began to scrub him clean. It was almost ceremonial, as if I were washing away all the stains from his past. I did the best I could as tears began to run from my eyes too. We both had shit we weren’t proud of. I was not there to pass judgment, and I was glad that he had even shared what he did with me. That had to be tough.
I needed to share some demons wit
h him as well. I wasn’t the goodie-two-shoes he thought I was. I took lives as well. Maybe not to the same extent, but people were not here anymore because of me. We were the same person.
As the water ran down off of him, rinsing the soap away, I took him into my mouth until he began to stretch and harden. Now probably wasn’t the time to give him head, but I wanted him to know that he had me regardless. I loved this man and would do what I could to take away his pain. He leaned against the shower wall to keep himself steady. I could feel the stress slowly lifting off of him as his grip on my hair loosened some. I took him in once more, moving my kisses up his body until we were standing face to face.
He picked me up and pinned me against the wall, pushing deep into me in one swift swoop. I gasped, not ready to take all of him in like that.
He looked me in my eyes, and I could still see sadness. He wasn’t a monster at all. He was a man that had to make tough decisions sometimes—the type of man that I knew would protect me if I needed protecting. I could give my heart to him and know he would keep it safe. He needed someone to forgive him for some of the shit he did because he probably felt like God wasn’t hearing him anymore. All of this shit was overwhelming, but I would not dip out on him like the women in his past. We were going to get through whatever it was together.
We really made love that night. No fast fucking, pounding me against the headboard, carrying me around the house type of shit. I’m talking real, live soul-connecting, it’s-me-and-you-against-the-world, I’d-kill-someone-for-him type lovemaking. Chase made me believe that being with him was the only place in the world I needed to be. It was time for us to make major moves, and by the morning, I knew that it was time for me to pack my room up and become a full-fledged adult.
I couldn’t wait to share the news with my mom and dad. I was hype, but I knew once I spoke with them, their reaction would let me know if I was making the right decision. He deserved all of me. I deserved all of him.
I forgot all about Sajdah and her bullshit. She would have to live in her misery by her damn self. I really tried with her to make things what they used to be, but she was not budging, and I was done begging, especially since I had no damn clue what the real issue was with her. How did she expect me to rectify a situation that I didn’t have details about? That shit was so stupid to me, and I didn’t have the energy for it. Fuck her. When she decided to get back regular again, maybe I would be in the mood to let her back in. We would just have to see when the time came, but I decided I wasn’t going to sweat her for info that should’ve been readily given. Just because she was ready to talk didn’t mean that I would be willing to listen. She should have taken the time when she had it. Now I didn’t even care if we ever spoke again at this point. I would miss her, of course, but I’d be fine. I always bounced back, regardless of the situation.
The next day after work, I went to my parents’ home to begin the process. I had sent a text to my mom while at work, letting her know I wanted to talk, but we were both tied up in meetings and couldn’t get out for lunch. When I got there, she had the kitchen popping with something that smelled amazing. I was hungry, too, so I was happy I showed up when I did.
I kissed her on the cheek and greeted my dad in the living room as he worked on his laptop until dinner was done. I would miss him the most. I was truly a daddy’s girl, so not seeing him on a daily basis would be weird for me at first.
I was glad they were understanding and supportive of what I was trying to accomplish. Not that they would mind, but I didn’t want to stay at home forever. Eventually, as adults, we would move on and obtain our own house and family. Sajdah just didn’t see it that way. She was acting like we were supposed to shrivel up and die in this damn house.
Once I got to my room, I sat on my bed and looked around. I made the decision that I wouldn’t take everything right away, just in case I needed to double back. I wasn’t about to get a U-Haul or no shit like that. I would just take some clothes, shoes, and makeup to hold me over. I’d come get more things as needed. I basically packed as much as I could in a duffle bag and the few pairs of shoes that would fit in a bin. I grabbed most of my makeup for sure, and a few perfumes off the vanity. This would be a ninety-day trial period. If shit didn’t go the way I needed it to, my ass would be jumping ship like I never got on.
After I packed, I went to speak with my mom in the kitchen before everyone gathered around. I was hoping Sajdah was working late again. I really didn’t feel like her shit that night. It was better not to deal with her at this point. I wasn’t going to be made to feel uncomfortable in my own damn house. She could very well keep her negative ass right where she was.
“Hey, Ma.” I spoke to her as I started setting the table for myself and my parents, purposely leaving Sajdah’s place setting out. My mom gave me a quick glance to say that she noticed, but she refrained from saying anything about it.
“Hey, ladybug. Sorry I couldn’t meet up with you at work. We are wrapping up our fiscal year, and they got us working like slaves,” she said with a slight chuckle, wrist twisting like stir-fry as she maneuvered multiple pots and pans.
“Us too! I can’t wait until this month is over,” I replied. Fiscal time was a mess. We always kept books in order, but it was so much work wrapping up year-end paperwork that we had to do mandatory overtime. I could totally understand her exhaustion.
“What did you want to discuss?” she asked as she walked to grab another ingredient from the fridge.
Just as I began to tell her, my dad walked in the room and took a seat at the table.
“It was nothing important. I plan to start spending a little more time with Chase at his house. I didn’t want to just bust out and move in with him not knowing how it would really be.”
“That’s not a problem. You never really know someone until you are constantly in their space,” my dad chimed in as he filled our cups with homemade lemonade. I was nervous that he would be upset, but he seemed pretty chill with the idea.
“Your room will always be available as long as we have a house. No worries, dear. I’m excited for you,” my mom jumped in, given me a quick hug in the process.
The amount of relief I felt completely calmed me down and gave me that extra reassurance.
“Now, I won’t get into my views on premarital sex,” my dad began with a solemn look on his face. “Especially since I tapped your mom well before marriage.”
The look on my mom’s face was priceless. We both busted out laughing as she pretended to beat him over the head with a spoon. My parents definitely came from the old school, but they were very modern in their views on how the world worked in 2019. They definitely weren’t stuck back in 1970. Thank God. The way Chase had been chasing this cat and catching it, they would be astonished to know the real deal.
“Chase seems like a nice guy. How do you feel about him? Aside from anything sexual, what are your true feelings about him? Will he be a good provider?” my dad quizzed as we settled in to enjoy this good meal my mom whipped up.
Sigh. I knew that question was going to come up. Let’s be clear, our parents raised us to be independent women; however, we were also made very aware that was not a sign of weakness to allow the man of the house to be the man of the house. The woman’s job was to be the woman of the house and be strong in the areas that he was not. Like, if he had trouble paying bills on time, he allotted the finances to his wife, and she took care of it. This was not about to be some unwed, barefoot-and-pregnant, waiting-for-him-to-make-a-move type situation. This was an equal effort. I wasn’t sure how Chase wanted me to contribute since my parents refused to take our money, and aside from personal expenses and us sticking cash in our mother’s pocketbook, we basically banked our checks and kept our credit in pristine order. I had never paid a utility or mortgage in my life, so I would have to figure out how Chase wanted to handle things. Apparently, he had been doing these things himself prior to me moving in, so I made a mental note to converse with him about it later.
I didn’t want to get into the fact that he was a trap king. My dad would flip if he knew that much. He saw that Chase drove a very fancy car, so he knew he had money. I opted instead to tell them what little I knew regarding his background. His parents were physicians, so even if he were merely living the life of a spoiled rich kid, he appeared to have some stability.
“It sounds like you did your research,” my dad responded, sounding satisfied with my answer.
At that moment, my mom set his plate in front of him, so I knew it was time for us to indulge. Saved by the food indeed!
“Just know you never have to hesitate to come back here. Ever.”
“Yes, Daddy,” I replied, getting up to hug them both. Now that I had their blessing, I felt a little better about the move I was about to make.
I enjoyed great conversation with my parents about everything under the son, my mom and dad just as flirtatious as they always had been. After dinner was done, I double-checked to make sure I had everything I wanted to take with me packed, and after chatting with Chase about a few things, I let him know that I would come the next day after work. He was hype as shit on the phone, and that set my soul at ease even more. I felt like this was going to be a good thing. I couldn’t wait to begin my new life with my love. He wanted me there; I wasn’t forcing my way in.
They always say that everything that glitters ain’t gold. What they didn’t tell you is diamonds sparkle as well . . . but so does aluminum. This step was the beginning of how Chase and I would co-exist. Let’s just say I wasn’t ready for the journey, but we’ll get into that at a later date. For now, just ride this thing out with me because it’s about to get real.
