by India Millar
“She’s ready.” Saki smiled at me fondly. “I’ve instructed her in the protocol of the evening. She knows what to expect, and she’s truly humble and grateful that an important man such as Lord Dai wishes to be her danna.”
“Is she?” Auntie glanced at me and I felt that my flesh—or scales!—had been stripped away and she could read my very thoughts. She leaned toward me, as if she were about to pinch my face—something she did often when she thought I was not paying her due attention—but instead, she tweaked the neckline of my beautiful new kimono. “She’ll do.”
And now, I was about to find out exactly what I would “do” for.
For a moment, I expected Auntie to refuse my danna’s request. To make some excuse that another room was not available. But Lord Dai held her gaze and suddenly she was bowing and smiling.
“My lord, of course,” she said smoothly. “There is a room prepared for Terue. It will not, of course, be sufficient for the honor you have done to my house, but perhaps it will suffice for tonight?”
Lord Dai stood and stretched. I could have sworn I heard his old bones creak with the effort. With exquisite courtesy, he bent stiffly from the waist and offered me his hand to help me to my feet.
“You are kind, Hana. I assure you the room will be sufficient. As long as this beautiful flower is at my side, then the bare riverbed would be a luxurious resting place.”
My legs were wobbly, both from trepidation and sitting for too long. I rose shakily. Lord Dai led me from the reception room, with Auntie pattering in front of us. From habit, I almost paused at the door of the room I shared with Saki, but a raised finger from Auntie led me onward.
This was my new room, then. As Auntie had said, it was small, perhaps six mats in size. But I could see the shadows of bats flitting past the window screen and guessed it must look out on to the garden. There was a futon laid out on the floor, ready. Hooks on the wall, for my kimono and obi. Even a chest with a flat top, so it would double as a table. I had never had a space of my own in my whole life. I was so overwhelmed, I nearly cried. My elation lasted as long as it took for my danna to slide the screen door shut and turn toward me. Auntie had lit a lamp, and its light cast cruelly on Lord Dai’s wrinkled face. I thought he looked like a demon, come to drag me off to hell. I was turned to stone where I stood.
He rubbed his hands together. Then he fumbled in his wide sleeve and produced something, which he held as if it were precious. He took the couple of steps needed to bring him to my side and sat down. At his signal, I sat beside him, staring at the tatami as though it fascinated me.
“My dear Terue-chan.” His voice was fluttery and dry, like moths beating their wings. “You are nervous, of course.”
He stroked my arm through my kimono, and I managed a smile. For a moment, I wondered if he had forgotten my name, and then I remembered that I was no longer Junko.
“Lord,” I whispered.
“Perhaps we could look at this? Together? I will leave it with you as a present. Afterward.”
He nudged me with his elbow and obediently I looked at his hands. At the pillow book that he was holding open for me.
I suppose it was meant to be an enticement. To arouse me. I stared at the illustration and almost gagged with repulsion. Not at the picture, which was beautifully done, but at the knowledge that—very shortly—it would be me who was beneath my danna. Me whose face was a tiny distance from his breath. That it would be his tree of flesh that was searching for my black moss with the insistence of a cat that has cornered a mouse.
“Exciting, isn’t it?” Lord Dai turned the fresh, crisp page carefully. His long fingernail traced the outline of the woman in the next picture. “Look, Terue-chan. Look at the pleasure she is giving her man!”
I looked and wished it was a day, a month, a year from now. That tonight was so far away that I could look back without shuddering. And then I remembered Saki’s anxious face, pleading with me to do my best, and I found a smile.
“It is a very beautiful book, lord,” I whispered. He seemed pleased with my response.
“Stand up, Terue.” I climbed to my feet with no grace at all and simply stood, waiting for his command. “Take your clothes off for me.”
I reached for my obi and tugged at the knots. My danna held up his hand and I stopped, bewildered.
“No, not like that. Slowly. My thoughts wish to have time to see your glories before my eyes do so.”
His eyes were shining. His lips parted and I saw a thread of saliva joining the stumps of his teeth. I had to fight the urge to tear off my clothes as quickly as I could, to get the moment of my taking over as soon as possible. My searching fingers found the crease of the knot in my obi. I worked at it carefully, pulling and tugging with a slowness that was not deceitful. It had taken Saki and a maid both to dress me. Now, I understood why. Eventually, I got the knot apart. The obi dangled from my hand, the silk feeling like water in my fingers. Absurdly, I could not bring myself to simply drop the beautiful thing to the floor. Gathering my courage, I took the few steps to the wall, and hung it carefully from a hook.
Lord Dai cackled and clapped his hands.
“Excellent. I do so hate to see a careless woman. And now the kimono.”
After the obi, that was nothing. I unwrapped the under sash and the kimono simply slipped off my shoulders at a shrug. I lifted it in my arms and let it flow over the chest.
The night was cool and I shivered, with cold and fear. I looked anywhere except at my danna.
“Come here.” His voice was hoarse, and he cleared his throat with a rasp. My legs moved like wood as I jerked toward him. He said, “Sit,” and I plumped down onto the futon bonelessly.
For the longest time, Lord Dai did nothing at all. He looked at me without so much as moving his head. In spite of what Nami and Gin had told me, suddenly I was sure that I would be clumsy and inept. That he would find me a disappointment. He would tell Auntie, and she would punish both me and poor Saki, who had done her best. The memory of Aki being sent to Kaede’s house rose in my mind. Was that my fate tomorrow? I moaned out loud and instinctively reached out my hand and stroked Lord Dai’s robe where it nestled in folds in his lap.
I heard him gasp, and then his hand was on my wrist, gripping it tightly. For an old man, his strength was surprising. He wagged the index finger of his free hand at me, and I was so relieved to see he was smiling that I could have cried.
“My lord,” I whispered. “I am nothing but an ignorant girl. I know nothing about how to please a man, other than what I have seen in your pillow book. I am deeply afraid that I will not make you happy.”
He did not speak, but I could tell from his expression that he was delighted. He leaned forward and put his finger beneath the under sash that held my flimsy underclothes in place. He tugged until the sash came apart, and the silken layers fell open. He paused for a while, clearly relishing my nakedness, and I was reminded of the greedy way he had inspected the food at the feast earlier.
“May I dance for you, lord? Sing, perhaps? Would you like me to call for the maid to bring you some more sake?” Anything to put off the moment I had been hurrying along a short while before!
He ran his long, yellow fingernail down between my breasts and I yelped.
“No man has ever touched you before.” It was a statement rather than a question, and I simply bowed my head in agreement. “You are very beautiful, Terue-chan. And you have a beauty within you that is even greater.”
As he spoke, he pushed my underclothes off my shoulders, prodding them fully away from my body. His glance ran down from my breasts to my black moss. It took every scrap of willpower I possessed to stop myself shielding my body with my arms. Apparently satisfied at last, he leaned forward and took one of my nipples between his lips, suckling it as if he was a hungry child. Hidden from his vision, I closed my eyes and swallowed nausea.
His lips were very dry. And his stumpy teeth very rough. I moaned, both with pain and agony of spirit.
/> “Ah, you like that!” Lord Dai mumbled his words against my breast.
“I’m at your command, lord,” I whispered. I was wood, as unyielding as a tree branch. From somewhere, I remembered the words Saki had drilled into me and repeated them. “Anything my lord wishes will give me great pleasure.”
He sat back, looking at me approvingly. I grimaced and he must have taken it for a smile, as he smiled back happily. I stared over his shoulder, concentrating on the patterns the shadows of the bats made on the window screen.
He was still fully dressed. Abruptly, he undid the sash that held his robe together and lay back on the tatami. He waved his hands at his own body, holding his palms open in a gesture of invitation.
This was it, then. Finally. I sent up a fervent prayer to Benzaiten, goddess of all geisha, that she would help me to survive somehow and pulled apart the folds of his robe gingerly. I stared at my danna’s tree of flesh in shock. Or rather, I stared at where it should have been.
There was nothing. I was bewildered. Big’s tree had reared in such glory that it had astonished me. All the men in the pillow books had trees that—even if they did not match Big’s fleshy rod—were, at least to my innocent eyes, truly awe-inspiring. My danna appeared to have nothing there at all. In my surprise, I leaned forward for a better look.
Immediately, Lord Dai grabbed the back of my neck in an iron grip. Before I had time to draw breath, he was pulling my head down to his groin. He mashed my mouth against his flesh, writhing against me like a hooked fish. I heard him groan, although whether it was with pleasure or disappointment, I had no idea. I parted my lips to try and breathe, and he pushed hard against me. And I found his tree.
Compared to Big’s tree, it was no more than a bud. Saki had explained to me very carefully that many patrons liked nothing better than to put their tree in a woman’s mouth. I pulled a face, but she had been firm.
“If your danna wants that, and he probably will, then you must pretend it is the most delightful thing in the world, and you are enjoying it above anything.” She saw my expression and smiled. “He will be fresh from the bath and clean. Did you suck your thumb when you were a child? Look on it in the same way.”
Lord Dai’s tree was barely as big as my own thumb, and I have small hands. As well as that, it was as limp and soft as a pile of fresh dog’s turds. I was horrified. Thoughts of Kaede’s house rose to haunt me. I parted my lips and ran the tip of my tongue over the lump of soft flesh. When nothing happened, in desperation I nipped it gently.
My danna sighed deeply. He fastened his hands in my hair and my combs flew everywhere as he tugged, my hair cascading down past my hips. He held me away from him with my hair, the burning pain making my eyes water.
“You are truly beautiful, Terue-chan,” he panted. I was bewildered. How could he compliment me when I was obviously failing miserably to arouse him? But he was smiling, so I smiled back tremulously and winced as he wound his fingers in my hair, tugging at my scalp unmercifully. He took the hanks of my hair and wound them around his wilting tree. Tugged them so tight that his flesh bulged through, bright red and shiny. Still not content, he sawed at himself until I was terrified his skin might split.
His tree began to grow beneath his hands and I saw it start to pulse through my hair. This time, when he pressed my lips reluctantly against it, it jerked back at me. I kissed it dubiously, and Lord Dai shrieked like a woman.
“Bite!” he shouted. “Hard.”
I fastened my teeth into his half-erect tree and bit down on it, grinding my teeth together until I was sure I could feel them meet through his flesh. And the harder I bit, the more my danna shrieked with pleasure.
Suddenly, he was all movement. He yanked my hair from around his tree violently and grabbed me by the shoulders, manipulating me until my mouth was over the very tip of his tree. Then he thrust himself between my reluctant lips.
I gagged, my lips wide, fighting for air. Even though his tree still seemed limp in comparison to Big’s rearing erection, it filled my entire mouth. Tears flowed down my cheeks and I retched. Lord Dai was shouting, but there were no words in the noise. Suddenly, his whole body was rigid. For one terrible moment, I thought his old heart had given up on him and he had died in my mouth. The idea was so awful, I screamed and bit down hard on his tree.
He burst his fruit in my innocent mouth, his seed cascading down my throat, the excess running out from between my lips. I choked, almost vomiting as the warm, sticky mess filled my mouth. Yet still it came until I would have welcomed the relief of death.
Lord Dai fell out of my mouth as suddenly as he had thrust himself into it. He collapsed onto the futon and lay panting violently. I sat beside him with my mouth full of his seed and realized with overwhelming horror that I had no choice but to swallow it. He had closed his eyes, and I took advantage of the moment to pinch my nose closed, hard. I could still feel the warm, slimy texture as it slithered down my throat like glue, but at least I couldn’t taste it.
I longed for a drink of tea to take away the nastiness. Normally I did not drink alcohol, but at that moment I would have given a year of my life for a flask of strong sake. But I knew I could not shout for the maid—still less leave the room myself—until my danna left me. Instead, I waited silently.
“Terue-chan.” Even in the two words, I understood that he was pleased. “You have no idea what I have done to win you. But it was worth it. There shall be no secrets between us now.”
I managed a deep breath, wondering with repulsion what new horrors he was going to suggest. But I was entirely wrong.
“You have mended me, child. You have given life where before there was only the deepest of sleep.” I was so surprised, I dared to look up at him. He was nodding and smiling. “When I was a young man, my tree would have delighted any woman. But in recent years, my strength has left me.”
“My lord has honored me with his presence. I can ask no more,” I murmured dutifully. Truly, I had learned my lessons well!
“Ah, when I was younger…” His voice trailed off and he was silent for so long, I began to hope he had fallen asleep. But he had not. “But now I am an old man, Terue. My wife died some years ago. I have had no heart to replace her. I have many concubines, but none of them please me like they used to. None of them have ever pleased me as you have tonight.”
He took my hand and began to stroke it. I cringed as he put my little finger in his mouth and sucked on it gently. Knowing I was supposed to be delighted by his tenderness, I managed a sigh that might, if he chose, be taken for pleasure. He pulled my finger from his mouth. It came out with a small pop.
“I will tell you the truth, Terue-chan. From the moment I saw you at Lord Ito’s, I hoped that I’d found the one woman who would be able to rouse me again. It’s many years since my tree has taken any interest in a woman. I’ve consulted the best doctors. Been given medicine that tasted so bitter, I almost wondered if the cure was worth it. In any event, it was useless. I’ve visited acupuncture masters without number. Given gifts to the gods that would have raised a temple. And nothing did any good at all. I even stopped visiting my concubines, I was so ashamed of my lack.”
He stopped speaking and stared at me.
“My lord, I’m sorry,” I mumbled. What else was I expected to say? He rested his head on my shoulder, his chin digging in to my bones. He had a mole on his temple that sprouted sharp hairs. They scratched infuriatingly. When he spoke again, I knew instinctively that he did not want me to see his face. And I knew why. I could feel his tears gathering in the hollow of my shoulder bones.
Suddenly, I knew him for what he really was. An old, lonely man who missed his wife and longed for the return of the youth that had left him forever. No matter that he was rich and powerful. I felt almost sorry for him.
“I visited a witch,” he whispered, as if it was something to be ashamed of. “One of my friends confided to me that he had consulted her over the matter of whether he should take a particular woman as his
wife. She had given him very good advice, he said, and he was delighted with his choice of bride. I dithered about it for weeks, and finally decided to go to see her when I spent the night with my favorite concubines and neither of them could give me any pleasure. They were greatly distressed, and of course I let them think it was they who were lacking, all the time knowing it was my fault. Anyway, I tried to tell the witch that I’d come on a similar errand to my friend. I was thinking of remarrying I said, and was unsure whether it was right for me. I had gone in my plainest robes, of course, and alone except for one servant, so she would have no idea I was a noble.”
I cleared my throat, choking back hysterical laughter. The witch would have known in a second that my danna was a rich man. She would have read it in his bearing, his attitude. How, I wondered, could such an important, and I supposed very wise, man be so very innocent?
“My lord was very prudent,” I murmured. His chin was sharp, and I wished he would move, but he did not.
“I thought so. But she saw through me in a moment. She listened to me, and then told me to send my servant away. As soon as he was gone, she took my palm in her hand and spat on it. She rubbed both my hands together, and then grinned at me. She said that she knew what I was really there for. That I had come to recover that which I had lost. My hand told her that I was not a happy man, she said. That I had lost the most precious gift of any man.”
I sat still, fascinated despite myself. Lord Dai blew a hot breath on my skin and nodded to himself before he went on.
“I knew there was no point in lying to her. I just shrugged and waited for her to tell me my future. I had been to the wise men, she asked? And given opulently to the gods? I said I had. In that case, there was only one cure for my problem. My hopes soared. Nobody else had offered me the hint of a cure. She held out her hand, and I put a purse full of silver in her fingers. She didn’t even bother to count it, just put it on the floor as if it was no more than she expected. She leaned forward and poked me in the chest with her finger.
