For example, do not say:
"He kicked me in the shins, and then he punches me in the face."
That sentence mixes the past tense "He kicked" with the present tense "he punches."
Instead, either say
He kicked me in the shins, and then he punched me in the face (all past tense)
or
He kicks me in the shins, and then he punches me in the face (all present tense).
It's also tricky to use the past perfect correctly. The past perfect, i.e., "He had kicked," is used for action that was completed before the time of the scene. (The simple past form of that sentence would be "He kicked.")
For example, this passage from Charlaine Harris' Sookie Stackhouse novel Dead Until Dark is correct:
The walls were lined with framed pictures of every movie vampire who had shown fangs on the silver screen, from Bela Lugosi to George Hamilton to Gary Oldman, from famous to obscure.
Do not say this:
The walls were lined with framed pictures of every movie vampire who showed fangs on the silver screen, from Bela Lugosi to George Hamilton to Gary Oldman, from famous to obscure.
The second sentence uses the simple perfect "showed" where the past perfect "had shown" belongs. The time of the scene is the point at which Sookie is looking at the walls. The time when the movie vampires showed their fangs took place before that, and is over and done with. Therefore, use the past perfect "had," in speaking about what the movie vampires did on the silver screen.
If you can't tell whether you've got your tenses right, try reading your sentences out loud. Sometimes you can hear what you can't see.
37. The One-trick Pony. You use multiple occurrences of the same word, or variations of the word, close together. It's easy to use the same word over and over again without realizing it, so try to eliminate close occurrences unless you're trying to create a particular effect. Varying your vocabulary keeps your writing fresh and flowing.
38. The Edward Bulwer-Lytton. You force metaphors and description. A clever or stunning metaphor will enhance your work, but an awkward one just sticks out. Sometimes it's hard to know the difference. When in doubt, test the metaphor on other people. The same goes for flowery prose and unusual words.
For example, here is the winner of the 2011 Edward Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, which challenges entrants to compose the opening sentence to the worst of all possible novels:
Cheryl's mind turned like the vanes of a wind-powered turbine, chopping her sparrow-like thoughts into bloody pieces that fell onto a growing pile of forgotten memories.
Ouch!
39. The Randomizer. You capitalize capriciously. When I see words capitalized willy-nilly, I always wonder what possessed the writer to emphasize that particular word. Be sure there's a good reason. Unlike German, English-language punctuation rules call for very little capitalization. When in doubt, you'll probably want to use lower case, but check The Chicago Manual of Style to be sure.
40. The Parrot. You use the same sentence structure over and over. To make your prose flow well, vary not only your vocabulary, but also your sentence structure. Don't always use predicate/verb/object, for example. Don't always start with a preposition or an adverb. Mix it up to sustain reader interest and avoid sounding sing-songy.
Other problems
41. The Eager Beaver. You expect to be done writing quickly and revise minimally. Writing a great novel takes time and a lot more effort than most people realize. Don't expect to nail it fast. Only factory writers who get help from their teams can do that. You need time to think, get perspective, and see things you missed before.
42. The Bleeding Heart. You don't kill your darlings. Don't get so caught up in your ideas or words that you can't accept that they don't work. If they don't fit, get rid of them. You can always use them someplace else. Be ruthless, and your story will be lean and mean.
All excerpts are the intellectual property of their respective authors.
Commentary (c) Paula Berinstein 2012.
About the Author
Paula Berinstein (Paula B.) is a story consultant. She produces and hosts the popular podcast The Writing Show (http://www.writingshow.com).
She is the author of seven geeky nonfiction books, including Making Space Happen and Alternative Energy: Facts, Issues, and Statistics, as well as numerous articles. She wrote the lively "Publishing Trends" column for Searcher magazine and a column on digital images for Online magazine.
She holds degrees in English literature and librarianship from UCLA. She can be reached at [email protected].
Check out our other Writing Show books and articles, including:
How to Get Your Self-Published Work into the Book Trade #1: ISBNs, Bar Codes, and Other Identifiers
How to Use Third Person Narration to Hook Readers and Keep Them Engaged
How to Write When You Don't Have Time
Point of View in Fiction
A Self-Mentoring Checklist for Novelists
Short Story Beginnings and Endings
Slush Pile Workshop #1: Fourteen Critiques for Fiction Writers
Unlock Your Creativity: 52 Exercises for Writers
The Writer's Voice: What It Is and How to Develop Yours
Writing Comic Books: A Writing Show Interview
Writing Dialogue #1-5: A Collection of Articles for Fiction Writers
Writing Fantasy: How to Introduce Your Make-Believe World, with examples from Lewis Carroll and J.R.R. Tolkien
42 Common Mistakes Novelists Make Page 3
