by Scott, S. L.
She removes her arm from mine, and I ask for my jacket back by eyeing it. “I might, um, need that back.”
“I was hoping you’d want it back in the morning, maybe say after a night at my place?”
In the past, my body would have definitely reacted, but my brain knows that’s wrong, knowing I’ll lose Mallory if my body wins this battle.
Just the thought of her name brings her face into focus in my mind—Mallory smiling, Mallory laughing, Mallory coming undone beneath me.
“My apologies, but I’ll have to pass, though I appreciate the offer.” I don’t appreciate it. She doesn’t hesitate handing my jacket back to me either. She doesn’t even seem upset by the rejection, but I still feel awkward.
I pull my jacket back on and Kate appears with her perfect timing. “I’ve been looking for you, baby bro.”
We both look at the lady from outside, and Kate gives the complete head to toe onceover before saying, “Mother wants a family photo taken.”
Relieved by the excuse to leave, I add sarcastically, “Oh, yes, we must get a family photo.” I look back to the lady in purple, and politely make my exit. “You’ll excuse me…” It should be a question, but I don’t want that option out there.
“Stop by and see me before you leave. I’d love to formally introduce myself, Mr. Ashford, maybe for some future business.”
I smile and nod politely, tucking my hands in my pockets and follow Kate across the room.
We make it to the hall that leads to the restrooms before she turns on her heel and asks, “What the fuck was that and how does she know who you are?”
I roll my eyes and take her by the arm. “It was nothing. And I have no idea how she knew my name, but she needed a cigarette and then got—”
“That cougar was looking for more than a cigarette, Evan. That photo is gonna hit the Met’s website before this party is even over.” She stands on her tiptoes to look for my parents. When she spots them, she says, “Listen, you don’t have to fall into the old trappings of this place. Do what you have to do for the business, but don’t lose focus of your heart either.”
I shake my head in understanding. Stay focused. Stay focused. Stay focused. I’ve been so wound up the last two weeks that I really need to relieve some stress when I get back to the apartment, but I usually relieve stress with sex. Before my sexcam time with Mallory, I hadn’t masturbated in a long time, maybe even years. I hadn’t had a need to, but I’m thinking I’m going to become very friendly with my right hand again.
Looking down at my phone, I want so badly to press the button that brings me my salvation, but I shouldn’t. Kate is right. Mallory needs to enjoy her time in college and a night out with her friends.
I tuck my phone back into my pocket and join my sister and parents across the room, posing for the fake happy family photos we’re so used to imitating.
MALLORY
“You want to grab some coffee?” Ryan asks, pointing at the all-night coffee shop we’re currently standing in front of. “You can tell me all about your boyfriend. Trust me. I only want to be your friend, Mallory.”
My dad always says, ‘Never trust anyone who says trust me.’ But like many things in life, sometimes you have to go off instinct. I think Ryan is being genuine and I’m willing to trust him because I don’t want to be one of those cynical girls who thinks every guy is only trying to have sex with them. He’s asking about Evan, for God’s sake. “All right.”
Inside the cozy shop, I order a decaf caramel latte and he orders coffee, black. I note another thing he has in common with Evan. After getting our mugs, we find two leather chairs in the corner window and settle into them.
We start with the usual talk about our majors and why he transferred his senior year. Ryan took two semester course loads this past summer. That’s where he met Will, and has a very full year scheduled to make up for lost credits. By transferring now, he’ll get preferential treatment when he applies for the Masters program here. He’s very driven, which is something I admire in a person.
I tell him about growing up in Colorado and he asks me how I ended up in Hawaii this past summer. This conversation leads to Sunny, ending up on Evan. Through another cup of coffee, I tell Ryan about Evan working in New York for his family and how he’s coming here for the spring semester. His face doesn’t seem to give way to anything but sincerity. This relieves me because I’ve really enjoyed chatting with him. It’s been easy, which is something that seems opposite of what I’ve been through lately.
He leans toward me, resting his forearms on his thighs, and asks, “So, it’s pretty serious with this surfer?”
“Yes, and he’s more than just a surfer.”
He sits back, crossing his ankle over his other knee. “That’s cool. I was in a serious relationship that ended last spring.”
“What happened?”
“The standard ‘It’s complicated’ applies here, but simplified. She had her own thing going on and I was moving here. It seemed like the best thing to do especially with the distance between us.”
This makes me think of me and Evan. How can it not? I look down at my cup and swirl the coffee aimlessly around wondering how the ball is going. I’ve never been to a ball and I wonder if we have differences that might be more insurmountable than initially thought.
“You know, I didn’t mean to imply anything about your relationship,” Ryan says. “I’m sure you and Evan will make it. I was telling you what happened to me, nothing more.”
“Oh, I know. Evan and I are solid,” I say, backing what I want to believe is true.
Ryan stands, offering me his hand and help up from the well worn leather chair. “We should probably get going. Believe it or not, I have to work on a paper tonight.”
Now this surprises me. “You’re going to do homework after drinking?”
“I only had one beer and that was hours ago. It’s just past midnight. Still early.”
“Time flew.” I accept his assistance and take him by the hand.
“Because we were having fun.” He pulls me up, putting us face to face, our bodies close.
His hand still holds mine. Finally, something tangible that isn’t similar to Evan—no intensity, or tingles, no feeling, but friendship. Evan and I share a spark that can’t be replicated.
I drop his hand and say, “Yeah, I guess we did.” I cradle my arms across my chest as a breeze blows down the street.
“I’ll walk you home…for safety and all,” he says, chuckling.
We talk about his paper and a little about the project due for our class.
Outside my apartment, I turn to face him, and say, “This is me.” I pause, recognizing this situation as eerily close to the end of a first date. Guilt washes over me as I unlock my door, ready for the awkwardness to be over. “Thanks. I had a good time. Good luck with that paper and I’ll see you on Monday.” I hurry inside.
I’m about to close the door when I hear him say, “Goodnight, Mal—” I shut the door and stand on my tiptoes to peek out the peephole. His face is scrunched in confusion, but then he smiles directly at me, giving me a little wave before walking away.
The embarrassment would normally send me sliding down the door into a pool of humiliation for being busted peeking, but I’m on a mission, so after locking the door, I rush to my room. I fire up my laptop and change into my night clothes. As soon as the programs load, I press the chat icon to see if Evan’s online, but he’s not. Should I call him? It’s late there, almost three in the morning. What if he’s sleeping? I don’t want to wake him. I huff and rest my head in my hands and stare at the blank text screen.
I really want to talk or see him, to hear how his night was, and to tell him about mine. I make an on the spot decision—a decision that I shouldn’t follow through with and that will probably haunt me the rest of the semester. I do something I have never done to someone I know. I do an online search for Evan Ashford. Seemed innocent enough when I came up with the idea, but when page after page
of results appear on the screen about him and his family, I can’t help feeling like I’ve opened Pandora’s Box.
Despite my regrets, the top link catches my immediate attention. I click on the image and there’s a picture of Evan from tonight in his tuxedo with some woman draped on his arm like she belongs there. My heart sinks as I stare at the photo, analyzing every detail of it—the way she’s wearing his tux jacket and how her arm is interlaced with his. Her head is angled toward him and the look in her eyes is like they just shared something private.
I can use the anger, the hurt, and the pain that’s invading my body to help protect my heart and attempt to be strong, but there is no logic to be found in the moment, so I cry instead.
Through my tears, I see his face staring back at mine, frozen on the screen. I can’t read his expression and that makes me feel worse. And though I know I shouldn’t, I call him anyway. My heart hurts and I miss him so much. This photo sends me over the edge. I need to hear his voice and right now have lost all respect for the late hour.
Taking my phone in hand, I push his number, waiting for him to answer while I slip under my covers, burrowing in for protection from the outside world.
“Hi, baby,” he whispers.
I attempt to stop the tears, but fail. “Evan, I miss you so fucking much.”
“What’s wrong?” His voice is louder this time and he sounds worried.
“So much is wrong. I don’t know if I’m strong enough—”
“Strong enough for what, Mallory? You’re freaking me out.”
“I need to be with you. I need you here.”
I hear his breath intake, loud and deep. “I want to be with you, too.”
“This isn’t a want situation, babe. It’s a need. This is all wrong. Everything is wrong without you. I thought being back to my routine here in Colorado would make things easier, but when I was talking to Ryan, he said him and his girlfriend broke up because—”
“Who’s Ryan?” He asks as a question, but I could swear it more of an exclamation.
“Who was the slut on your arm tonight?” Shit! That didn’t come out right.
Silence.
Silence.
“Mallory, I think we should talk in the morning.”
Completely freaked out by that last comment, I snap, “No, that’s bullshit! We should talk about this now. I have nothing to hide. Ryan is a classmate and a friend. I spent my night talking about you. How’d you spend your night, Evan?”
His tone is louder and abrupt. “I spent my night being miserable and missing the fuck out of you, so where does that get us?” He pauses, but then says, “She was some woman who bummed a cigarette off me and was cold, so I loaned her my jacket. Listen, I didn’t do anything wrong. I didn’t even get her name. I could care less about her. I was being polite and that’s when the photographer took a picture. She’s no one, Mallory.” I can’t hide the fact that I’m still sniffling from crying, but I attempt to anyway, wanting us to be together and all better, wanting the ache in my heart to ease up. “Baby, let’s not do this. It’s been two weeks and it already feels like years since I’ve been with you. I want this to work more than you know.”
I saw that picture and it took me by surprise, but hearing him say all that makes me happy, but also scares me equally. “I do, too. I keep thinking I trust you, but I see some random picture of you and I fall apart. I feel helpless not knowing what’s going on or—”
He surprisingly demands, “Get online.”
I moan, worn out and cozy. “I’m in bed. Let’s just—”
“Turn the laptop on and get the fuck online, Mallory!”
Shocked by how he’s speaking to me, I crawl like a zombie out of bed and bring up the video program. I sit at the desk and call him. As soon as I see his face, I smile, just a little, but I do. I try to be annoyed with how he’s talking to me, but I can’t because I’m too happy to finally see him. He’s struggling to contain his own smile when he sees me too.
He leans forward, smile gone as he moves closer to the camera, and asks, “You’re feeling helpless, what does that mean for us? Do you still want to be with me?”
“Of course, I want to be with you. When I said I feel helpless, I don’t mean I don’t want to be with you. I meant that sometimes I have to give into the bad emotions that being separated from you brings.” I sit up straighter as I explain, “I want you more than anything, Evan. I love you with all my heart. I don’t think I could leave you anyway. Hell, I couldn’t even leave you this past summer when everything was turned upside down.”
“Mallory, slooow down. I believe you. I just needed to see your face when you said it.” His fingers run across the screen, stroking it. “Please don’t cry. I wish as much as you do that we could be together, and we will. I promise.”
Seeing him on the screen changes everything, his eyes reflecting the same emotions I’m feeling. “Evan, I didn’t think you’d done anything with that woman. It just hurt to see a photo like that when I wasn’t expecting it. You were in your element in that tux with all those fancy people in the background. Made me feel insecure and small town in comparison. We live in such different worlds and I can’t promise you balls and limos. I don’t even own a fancy dress and yet you probably own your tux.”
“It’s custom made,” he says, laughing softly, which lightens the mood.
I laugh. “Of course, it is. I wouldn’t expect anything less.” I roll my eyes, teasing him.
“What you don’t seem to understand is that I don’t need all this. It’s not what I want. I want you and I don’t know, whatever you want, baby, I want that too.” He adjusts in his seat and then suggests, “I’ve got an idea. We both need to go to bed. Go climb in.”
“But—”
“I think we should fall asleep together sometimes. We can leave the camera on. If you wake up, you’ll know that I’m still here with you. In the morning, when you wake up, just turn it off.”
His sweet idea makes me smile and my heart swoon. “Okay,” I answer, and extend the sleep timer on my computer before climbing back into bed. I pull the covers up to my chin, but lift my head up to watch him slide into his own bed. “Evan?”
“Yeah?”
“Can we do this more often? Maybe even most days?”
“Even if I only get you for a minute, I need you more than you know.” I watch him drop his head onto his pillow, so I rest mine. “I love you. Sweet dreams.”
“I love you, too. Sweet dreams, baby.”
I look up every once in a while and see his body lying there calmly and it reminds me of the times I would watch him sleep in Hawaii. I feel whole, feeling one with him again and fall asleep.
57
Mallory
This first full weekend back in Boulder, Sarah and I finish organizing our apartment. She ends up staying at Josh’s both nights though, leaving me to enjoy our place alone. With all the me time I’ve been having, I find myself reaching for a cigarette to comfort, but because of the woman at the ball, Evan has decided to quit and I agree to give up the bad habit as well. I have no idea how the ball or the lady in purple relates to quitting smoking, but I’ll take it. We both need to get healthier.
The next week and a half flies by with classes, school commitments, and study groups. I have my first exams in three of my classes and start preparing for my other two tests on the upcoming Monday.
“Evan and I are better. It’s been a month and I think we’ve finally hit our stride. We make the time for each other and chat online and call every day,” I tell Sarah casually over lunch one day. I never doubted that I was committed to him, but for all we’ve been through, I truly trust him. Even when our schedules are crazy, I know he loves me and I’m determined to live in that happy place.
I’ll be twenty-three this coming Friday. Sarah tells me there’s a party over at one of the frat houses that she thinks will be fun. I only agree to go because it seems like everyone I know is also going. Not my ideal way to spend my birthday, but i
t will have to do since I can’t be with Evan.
He also told me that he’s sending me a surprise and to be on the lookout for it. Although I beg to know what it is… a lot, he doesn’t budge. I give up trying to figure it out and wait in excited anticipation all week.
Thursday turns into Friday. At midnight on the dot—my laptop pings and my phone buzzes. I run to check online first and see Evan’s smiling face looking back at me. “Happy birthday, Mallory.”
“Thank you.”
I look down at my phone and check a text message. It’s from my parents.
Happy Birthday. Can’t wait to see you this weekend. Love you. Mom & Dad
I smile because of the message.
“I wanted to let you know I’m gonna be working late this evening, but I promise we’ll see each other. I’m not sure when, so make sure to be online tonight if you can.”
I kiss the screen because I miss him and because I want to. He chuckles then kisses the screen back.
“You kissed the monitor for me. You’re too sweet, spoiling me rotten on my birthday,” I playfully joke.
“I’d rather be kissing your lips, but I guess a cold, unfeeling monitor will have to do for now.”
I laugh. “But only for now. I expect the real deal sooner rather than later. Just sayin’, sexy. So what’s this business about a surprise?”
“You surviving the unknown? You’re not good with surprises.”
“I’m good when they’re from you,” I say, waggling my eyebrows.
“Do you have a birthday wish, my love?” he asks, giving me his full attention.
“I have everything I could ever want. My only wish would be to spend my birthday with you and that can’t happen so, I have no wish this year.” I laugh at how sad that sounds. “Geez, depressing enough?”
He smiles, and says, “Wish away, babycakes, but you know what they say? Be careful what you wish for because you just might get it.”
“In that case.” I close my eyes, cross my fingers, and wish that Evan could hold me in his arms for my birthday.
