by Scott, S. L.
She smiles. “Thank you.”
When she turns to leave, I grab her and turn her back around, to add, “Don’t ever feel like you can’t talk to me about what’s on your mind. Okay?”
“Okay.” After both of us take a deep breath, she says, “We should get out there before they burn the house down. You remember what happened the last time Zach got Sunny to light the barbeque pit.”
“You take a shower and I’ll go.” I walk around the bed, grabbing my board shorts and slip them on before heading to the door. When I open it, I glance back. She opens her bikini drawer but stops. Her head is down and I can’t quite tell her expression from here, but I can tell her mood. She’s somber. She’s remembering…
87
Evan
We’ve been married just over three years and it’s been better than I could’ve imagined. And I had imagined that being married to Mallory would be pretty damn good. We’ve both been busy with school and in the last year, Mallory was promoted to Director of Literacy for the North Shore district of public libraries. I received my Masters two months ago. Three weeks ago I started into the Ph.D. program. I was told if I apply myself, I can graduate in three years. Since I started the summer program, I’ll cut another semester off that time. So, as a couple, we’ve worked together to get our lives where we want them to be.
To the outside world, we have no concerns at all. But to those close to us, they know the truth.
Last fall, we found out we had a little ‘accident’ on the way. I don’t think either of us were shocked that we got pregnant on our vacation to Mexico. Mallory’s luggage was lost – and never found – including her birth control pills. One margarita led to another which in turn led to our loss of better judgment and me proclaiming that the ‘pull-out’ method is legit birth control. Well, whatever, anyway, she ended up pregnant and after the shock wore off, we were thrilled.
Sure, we’d casually talked about kids to our family, but it all seemed to be future talk. So even though the news of a baby on the way was a surprise, it wasn’t unwelcome. Over the first trimester, it was fun to lie in the hammock and talk about names and what he/she might look like, act like, and what bad habits of ours they would pick up. We laughed a lot just like our normal days, but each smile now held anticipation for the future.
Mallory packed up the books in one of the extra bedrooms that we had made into a library and had me move them into the other spare room. She sketched mural ideas on a pad – one for a boy and one for a girl. She laughed all the time and was the happiest I’d ever seen her. I would catch her watching me with a smile on her face when she thought I wasn’t aware. She told me that she hoped the baby looked like me. I hoped the baby looked like her and had her disposition.
But unexpectedly last winter, we lost our baby. No one could explain it. No reasoning. No changing the outcome. No more smiles. No more laughter. No baby. We were left numb to the world. We didn’t fight, but we didn’t talk much either. I was stressed and worried.
Mallory threw the book “Nineteen-Thousand Names and Their Meanings” away. She moved the boxes from the guest room back into the bedroom and made it the library again. She worked late and ate little. She didn’t smile and she didn’t laugh. She cried instead. Hurt lived inside of her. She felt she had let me down. No matter how much I talked about it with her, comforted her, or tried to convince her otherwise, she didn’t believe me. She carried the burden of loss squarely on her shoulders despite what I said.
By spring, I saw glimpses of my Mallory again. The sparkle slowly came back to her eyes. I started to see her smile more regularly and then I heard the best sound I had ever heard. We were making dinner and I was telling her about my car and how it sputtered that afternoon—not exactly funny if you ask me, but she seemed to think so. She burst out laughing, to the point of hysterics. She was holding her stomach, bent over, tears started filling her eyes. She kept saying things about the over-the-top love I have for my car. With a huge weight lifted from my heart just from the sound of her laughter, I burst out laughing too, her happiness contagious.
As she dabbed her eyes with a paper towel, she looked up at me with the biggest smile I’d seen in months, took a deep breath, and said, “I really needed that.”
I kissed her lightly on the lips, and replied, “So did I. I love you.”
It threw me off a little that she brought up the topic of kids today. I had no idea what she thought anymore in regards to having a family, so the conversation today actually relieves me. I still want what Mallory wants, and if that’s kids, then we should start our family. I’m not gonna lie though. Just like before, it scares the shit out of me to have someone so tiny and helpless completely relying on me for survival. I don’t want to fail as a parent. But right now, I don’t want to fail as a husband. I’ll give her the child she wants when she’s ready.
After cleaning up in the guest bathroom, I walk out through the living room and open the doors to join Sunny and Zach who are currently messing with the pit.
“What’s up, brah?” I say to Zach, laying a low five down on him. “Sunny.” I hug her.
“Not too bad this fine Fourth of July. How’s it hanging with you?” Zach asks, popping the top off a bottle of beer.
Sunny looks past me, and asks, “Where’s Mallory?”
I thumb over my shoulder. “She’s showering. She’ll be out in a minute.”
“That girl takes more showers than anyone else I’ve ever known. Seriously, Evan, your sex drive is impressive, but I’m starting to worry about my bestie’s girlie parts. Give her a chance to recover from all the sex you demand.” She’s smiling and I know she’s joking.
I wiggle my eyebrows at her and grin. “I can’t help that your best friend can’t keep her hands off of me.”
I feel a light shove on my shoulder as Mallory comes up behind me and says, “You talking smack about me?”
“Never.” I grab her arm and pull her toward me as she laughs and tries to escape. “Where do you think you’re going, pretty girl?”
She laughs as I wrap around her from behind, hugging her in my arms.
I whisper, “I love you so much.”
She stills, turns her head, and kisses my cheek. “I love you, too.”
Turning with my back to the others, I whisper in her ear, “Are we good, Baby?”
“We were never bad,” she answers, rubbing her hand on top of mine.
At that, I release her. She drags her hand across my stomach as she walks away. Mallory greets Sunny with a hug. After, Sunny grabs Mallory’s hand and announces, “We’re going for a walk. You guys make the burgers.”
They walk around the large palms to the open beach as Zach opens another beer and hands it to me. Just as I take a swig, he says, “We got married yesterday.”
I spew my beer as I look at him shocked. “What?”
“Yeah, we did the deed and made it official.”
“Why didn’t you tell us? How can you be here unwrapping hamburger meat like it’s no big deal when you went off and got married? That’s fucking crazy.”
“It’s not a big deal to unwrap this meat.” He laughs. “Dude, relax. Anyway, I just told you,” he says, rubbing my left shoulder. “It was me, not you.”
I roll my eyes. “I obviously don’t have a problem with marriage,” I say, pointing at my wife walking down the beach with his wife. “I’m just shocked. You’ve always said you don’t need a piece of paper to show commitment. What changed your mind?”
Zach points down at the girls this time. “She did. Sunny wanted to get married and I finally realized that I want what she wants.”
I would usually call him a pussy for making a statement like that, but I can’t since I feel the same way about Mallory. Instead, I nod. “I know what ya mean.”
We sit down and clink our bottles together. Zach says, “My parents were thrilled since they thought I’d never get married. Her parents were pissed that they weren’t invited.”
“How you gonna
smooth that over?”
“It’s already taken care of. My parents are hosting a reception. After a lot of back and forth, it will be in Denver. That way her family and friends can be there and my family and their friends can fly in from New York. All’s good and the in-laws are happy.”
I look over at Zach. I’ve always been able to talk to him and he never lays judgments on me, so I bring up a topic that we’ve all learned to tiptoe around. “Do you want to have kids?”
He looks at me and smiles around the lip of the bottle. After taking a swig, he says, “Yeah. Being with Sunny makes me want them. It’s a win-win situation. If we have girls, they’ll probably be like their mother and if we have boys…” He laughs to himself. “…Okay, maybe I drag down her gene pool a little. Either way, they’ll surf.”
“Is that why you stay in Hawaii? Don’t your parents want you back in New York?”
“Sure. But I’m not going. I’m living the life I want, and now I’m married. Our life is here. I may not have the money you’ve got coming in monthly, but we’ve got good jobs and I’ve got a nice inheritance. We can have a good life here. Know what I mean?”
I nod because I do know what he means. I stand up to flip the burgers just as Zach stands up and grabs a bottle of water out of the small fridge under the grilling island.
He leans against the counter, and asks, “How’s Mallory doing these days?”
Another topic we as a group tiptoe around. “She’s better, more like her old self.” I set the spatula down, look out to see where the girls are, then confess, “She wants to try.” I don’t have to say more. He knows what I mean.
“Yeah? How d’you feel about it? Last time was an accident. This time will be planned?”
I take a long pull from my bottle before grabbing a water for myself. Pacing my drinking is key tonight. “It’s like you said, I want what she wants.”
He nods in approval.
I look at him, roll my eyes, and ask, “What?”
“You, man. You’ve changed.”
“Oh, it’s all because of Mallory. Fuck.” I shake my head. “I hate to think what it’d be like, what I’d be like, if I hadn’t met her.”
“You’d be an asshole.”
“Thanks,” I say.
“Best not revisit the past. It was fun for a while…”
“Yeah, fun for a while.” He pushes off the counter and we give each other a brotherly hug.
“You never could keep your hands off each other. Fuck, some things never change!” Murphy bellows from inside the house.
We turn around to see him walking out with a twelve pack under one arm and his other around a bag of groceries.
“Murphy!” We announce in unison. I take the groceries and Zach takes the beer.
Fist bumps turns into chest bumps. I ask, “Where’s Caroline?”
“Resting. Long flight. You’ll see her at the party.”
“I know Mallory will be disappointed. I was hoping to see her sooner too.”
“Trust me, dude. You do not want to see her with jetlag. It’s not pretty. I’ve learned the hard way.”
We laugh and pop open a beer for him while sitting down to enjoy some long overdue brah time, just like old times.
Thirty minutes later, the girls come back up the beach. They’re laughing and having a good time. Sunny was there in ways that I couldn’t be for Mallory months ago and it only strengthened their already tight bond. It’s good to see them together having a good time. I sit down in a chair next to the guys. They toss me another ice cold beer straight from the cooler and we catch up.
After eating, we all horse around on the beach with a lame game of football.
“Seriously, Murph, when you come back to Hawaii, leave your fur coat at home,” Zach says. “The Wildlife Department is gonna think a bear escaped from the zoo.” We burst out laughing as Murphy turns in a circle trying to check out his fuzzy back like a dog chases his own tail.
Eventually, we decide to get dressed for the party, so the gang leaves. Mallory starts getting dressed while I shower. When I get out, I wrap a towel around my waist and shave.
She’s putting on her makeup, but stops to look at me, watching me. I flash her a smile, which makes her laugh. “Things already feel so different, don’t they?”
“What do you mean?” I ask, tapping the water from my razor.
“Sunny and Zach got married without including us and we’re talking about kids again. I think we’re all growing up.”
“Don’t say that,” I joke. “I want to be young and irresponsible forever.”
She laughs again. Turning her back to me, and says, “Zip me please.”
“My pleasure. You look pretty.”
“Thanks babe.” She turns around and kisses me quickly. “Is it strange that I still get nervous going to your parents’ Fourth of July party every year?”
I brush her long wavy hair over her shoulders before answering, “No, I do too. But I think we proved to everyone years ago how much we love each other, so I don’t think anyone even remembers the incident anymore.”
“I’m hoping you’re right, but Noah calling you a murderer and all the yelling seems kind of memorable to me.”
“Me too, but it pisses me off, so I try not to think about it.”
“Probably best,” she says, smacking my ass.
“We can be late if you want to.”
She stops what she’s doing and looks at me in the reflection of the mirror. “Evan, good God, you’re insatiable.”
“Is this news?”
She laughs. “Guess not, but the answer is no… for now.” She applies lipstick and asks, “You ready?”
I laugh this time. “As I’ll ever be.”
88
Evan
Taking Mallory’s hand, I help her out of the car, then tip the valet guy as we pass. We smile as we walk along the path, remembering ‘that’ spot along the house in particular. I can hear the music before we even round the corner.
“Evan, I don’t want to leave our home,” Mallory says, stopping me and pulling me off the path into a hibiscus bush.
She says this every time we see my parents because they always offer me my old job, with very good benefits, if we move to New York. I look around. No one has seen us. When I turn back to her, I say, “I don’t either, Baby.” I squeeze her hand tighter.
She nods, reassured and we join the party that’s in full swing. Gail greets us as soon as we make our way around the corner to the pool area. Yeah, I can finally call her Gail instead of Ms. Chart. “You two don’t visit enough,” she says, hugging Mallory.
Mallory say, “You know newlyweds…” She leaves the sentence unfinished.
“You just celebrated your third anniversary,” Gail says, “Marriage is still wonderful?”
“Better with every year,” Mallory responds.
As I hug Gail, I say, “It’s good to see you. Where’s Bill?”
“Oh, I don’t know. Around here somewhere. Make sure to find him. You know how much he enjoys chatting with you.”
“Yeah, I will.”
Mallory leans forward and asks her, “How was the honeymoon?”
“Cold. Remind me to never leave Hawaii again,” Gail laughs before excusing herself to say hi to other guests.
“I haven’t seen my parents since yesterday at breakfast.” Standing on her tiptoes, Mallory asks, “Do you see them?”
“Ummm.” I look around. “I think that’s…yep, they’re by the bar. I’d recognize that Hawaiian shirt anywhere.” Her dad bought it the other day when he arrived and has been wearing it ever since. Clay and Elise are visiting, our treat, for three weeks. They’ve been staying at my parents’ house, which they love. My parents flew in almost two weeks ago and the four have been having a blast together. I never thought they would get along so well, but here they are, proving us all wrong. Mallory is thrilled.
After hugging her parents, my mom wraps her arm in Mallory’s, and says, “I’m so glad you’r
e here. Your mother and I have had so much fun. I have to tell you all about it.”
When they walk off, I stay and hang with ‘the Dads’ and make small talk about the weather here in Hawaii compared to New York and Denver. It’s riveting… not. I stay until I see my excuse to get away—Kate walks out of the house. Rescuing Mallory, I drag her with me and hug Kate being careful not to wake the baby. I glance at Mallory quickly before I ask, “Can I hold Caroline?”
“Boy, I don’t even get a verbal hello anymore. It’s all about the baby,” Kate jokes.
“Hi, Kate,” Mallory whispers, hugging her.
“Here ya go, Uncle Baby Bro. I’m gonna go find my husband—”
“Fuzzy the bear is over with Dad by the buffet table.”
“Stop that. You’re just jealous,” Kate says, “I like his man-sweater and it keeps the other skanks away.”
“Oh, I bet it does,” I add, laughing. She pushes me on the shoulder then hands me my niece.
“I’m gonna find Liam. Will you be okay with her for a few minutes?”
I nod, looking down at the baby. Caroline opens her eyes and looks around. She turned one last month and I can’t believe how much she’s grown since we saw her at Christmas. I just hope she remembers me.
Mallory strokes the baby’s hair with her finger, then kisses her lightly on the forehead. Caroline seems to remember me as she looks up and a small smile graces her face. She stretches then yawns and seems to be more awake now, but still comfortable in my arms.
“She’s beautiful,” Mallory says. The thing I notice most though is how happy Mallory looks. She doesn’t look sad or envious, just happy. “Even more than I remember. She looks a lot like Kate and your mother.” She touches her little fingers and sighs. “She has blue eyes like yours. Runs in the family.”
“They’ve darkened in the last couple of months.”
Mallory looks from me to the baby and then back up and asks, “Can I hold her?”
