by Meg Donohue
“We should get married,” I said.
He laughed, surprised. “I thought we’d already reached that conclusion.”
“But soon, I mean. Let’s go to city hall. And then let’s take a honeymoon somewhere far away, somewhere even you have never been.”
Will thought about it. “But some sort of celebration would be nice, wouldn’t it? To mark the beginning of a new chapter in our lives? My parents would appreciate it. We could do it here, at home.”
“A wedding party?”
“Or an engagement party. We never had one. It really doesn’t matter what we call it. I just think it would be nice to celebrate with our family and friends.”
While I was satisfied to have just Will, his family, and Ronnie in my life, Will’s network of friends continued to grow. Being surrounded by people made him happy, and it felt selfish to deny him this pleasure.
And so I agreed, swallowing the knot that formed in my throat as I did so.
Part Three
Chapter Eighteen
A month later, when Amir emerged from the shadows outside the home that Will and I shared, my world went still for a beat of time that was as fragile as a shell, as vast as an ocean. I thought of Rosalie telling me that there are moments in your life when you can feel everything change. I thought of my mother standing on the edge of a cliff, the land below her feet crumbling. I thought of my father taking in his first breath of salt air, feeling his chest swell with new life.
“Merrow,” Amir said. Everything about him was different, and yet the same. His voice hooked something deep inside of me, pulling me toward him. His arms were around me then, holding me tightly. It was Amir, solid and strong and real. I buried my face in his neck. The city was silent. I felt the sensation of wings beating within my chest and remembered the red bird I had swallowed in my dream the night before.
“I thought I might never see you again,” I whispered.
Energy roiled from him, and this I recognized. He was always coiled tightly, his anger crouched and poised and quivering. Waiting. He was so much bigger than he’d been at sixteen. The arms hugging me were roped with muscle, the chest to which I pressed my cheek was broad. How different things might have been if Amir had had this strength when we were children. I looked up at him and touched my thumb to the scar over his eyebrow. His dark hair was clipped so short that I could see the smooth shape of his scalp. His eyes were both mournful and yearning; they roamed my face. I remembered this feeling—this feeling of being known, of being beloved.
“What happened?” I asked. Relief and anger and fear each threatened to choke my words before I could release them. “How could you have left—”
“Merrow?”
Amir’s eyes lifted away from mine, moving over my shoulder, and a veil dropped over his expression. I turned, letting him go. Will stood beside Emma near the open garage door. Music spilled out of the house. Our engagement party. In the moments that my arms had been around Amir, I had forgotten it.
“Will . . .” There was a high, breathless quality to my voice.
Will squinted. “Amir?”
“In the flesh,” said Amir.
Will and Emma moved to stand beside me.
“What a surprise. It’s nice to see you,” Will said. The two men shook hands.
After a moment, I said, “We’re having a party.”
Amir’s gaze moved over my face, my dress. “I see.”
I could not pull my eyes from him. “Emma,” I said, without looking at her. “Do you remember Amir? You were very young when you met.” I spoke in a daze. There was so much I wanted to ask Amir, and I couldn’t bear that we’d been interrupted. I stared at him, unabashed. If he turned and walked away right then, I wanted to have him memorized, this new Amir. He did not take his eyes from mine, either. The smallest hint of a smile tugged at his lips.
“I remember. I’m not that young!” Emma said. “But do you remember me, Amir?” The question held a note of flirtation, and I remembered how tipsy Emma had been earlier in the evening. It felt like a lifetime had passed since we’d spoken on the patio.
Amir slowly moved his eyes from mine to look at Emma. His teeth were still as white as shells and rounded in a way that softened the forced smile he gave her.
“You’re Will’s sister. And you’ve grown up to be beautiful. That’s no surprise.” Amir’s voice was suddenly flat. I realized that he’d managed to compliment Emma and withdraw the compliment in practically the same breath, implying her beauty was predictable, and unaffecting.
But Emma blushed. “Really?” She looked down at her dress and then clasped and unclasped her long fingers. “That’s, well . . . thank you.”
Will slipped his arm around my waist.
“I don’t want to keep you all from the party,” Amir said.
“Don’t be ridiculous,” I said.
“Oh, but you have to come in!” said Emma. “You’ll stay, won’t you?”
“If the lady of the house will have me.”
My laughter sounded strange. “‘The lady of the house.’ When did you start speaking like that? Of course you should come in.” I hoped he didn’t hear my hesitation. I couldn’t stand the thought of Amir leaving, but the idea of him in the home that I shared with Will . . .
“Fantastic,” Emma said, looking back and forth between the three of us. “It’s settled then.”
“I’m underdressed,” said Amir. He wore a black sweater and a neat pair of jeans, both of which fit him well but didn’t appear particularly expensive.
“You look great!” Emma gushed. She ducked her head and laughed then, embarrassed.
A spark of humor played in Amir’s eye when he glanced at me. That fluttering feeling rose in my chest again.
I watched as Emma linked her arm through Amir’s. Did I imagine that he cringed at her touch? I must have, because he gazed down at Emma thoughtfully, as though seeing her for the first time, and in response to his study Emma seemed to pull him closer. As they walked away, I watched Emma tilt her chin up toward Amir and say something I could not hear. With my pulse pounding in my ears, I took Will’s arm and followed them.
“MERROW?” WILL CALLED from bed.
I stood at the sink in our bathroom, washing my face. In the mirror, my skin looked raw, the makeup I’d worn for the party wiped away. But I continued splashing water against my cheeks. My mind raced. I longed to go for a swim. I could not imagine how I would ever fall asleep. I yanked a towel from the hook beside the sink and patted my face dry.
“Hmm?” I said, standing at the doorway between the bathroom and bedroom.
Will offered a wary smile. “I was saying that I thought Amir looked well, didn’t he?”
I stretched beside him under the covers and rested my head on his chest. “He looked different.”
“Yes. But the same, too. His expression is the same.”
I murmured my agreement.
“What has he been doing all this time? Were you able to catch up with him?”
“Not really,” I said. To my surprise and frustration, Emma had not left Amir’s side all night, and she had not picked up on any of my hints to give us time alone. Even when my hints had grown less subtle and more forthright, she had ignored them—either willingly or simply drunkenly, I wasn’t sure. As a result, every word Amir and I had exchanged at the party was in front of Emma. I learned only that Amir was living in California, working at a farm in a northern corner of the state.
Eventually we were the only four left in the house, save for the caterers wiping down the counters in the kitchen. Amir looked toward the windows. The ocean was a silky expanse glittering darkly below the moon. His eyes met mine.
“I should go.”
My stomach twisted. “Don’t,” I said. “There’s no reason to leave.”
“I’m not at all tired,” Emma announced.
We turned to Will at the very moment he lifted his hand to cover a yawn. He gave a sheepish laugh. “And I was just about to say
that I’m not tired, either.”
“It’s late,” Amir said. He walked toward the door and all three of us trailed after him.
“Where will you go?” I asked.
“I have a hotel room downtown.”
“Let’s share a car!” said Emma. “I’m staying at my parents’ house tonight.”
“I thought you were spending the night here, Emma,” I said. “There’s plenty of room.”
She laughed. “It’s practically your wedding night! I wouldn’t dream of it.”
“It’s not our wedding night.” I knew how annoyed I sounded. Will reached for my hand. I stared at the floor. My emotions made me feel as though I were carrying an enormous bowl that at any moment might fall from my hands, sending shards in the direction of anyone unlucky enough to find himself near me.
“I’ll take you home,” I heard Amir say to Emma. I lifted my eyes from the ground to stare at him.
“Oh! Really? Okay, um, great!” With her pink cheeks, Emma looked like a beautiful doll. “I’ll get my coat.” She hurried down the hall, away from us.
“Get her home safely, will you, Amir?” Will asked quietly once Emma was out of sight.
Amir nodded.
“Tomorrow, Amir,” I said. The realization that he was moments from walking out our door filled me with anguish. “Tomorrow morning. Can we have breakfast? There’s so much to catch up on.”
Emma returned before Amir could respond. I watched as he helped her into her coat. At last, he turned to me. “Yes. I’ll get your number from Emma.”
And then, with a flutter of kisses and waves from Emma and nothing more than a nod from Amir, they were gone.
I LAY IN bed beside Will and tried not to think of what Amir and Emma might be doing at that very moment. Surely, he had simply dropped her off at her parents’ house and then returned, alone, to his hotel room?
And if he hadn’t? If they were in each other’s arms just as Will and I were at that very moment? The jealousy that roared in my chest, lapping at my heart with its searing tongue, was a feeling that I had never experienced. For every stab of jealousy came one of guilt. What right had I to feel jealous? I was engaged to Will. We were getting married in a few weeks.
Unable to lie still, I hurried from the bed to the window. I opened it and breathed in the cold ocean air. The waves offered their usual whispers, and for one moment I was a young girl again at Horseshoe Cliff, alone with my only friend, the sea.
When Will spoke, I started. “Can’t sleep?” he asked. I looked back at him. Our white bedspread seemed to glow in the moonlight.
I nodded.
“It’s a shock, I’m sure. Seeing him again. The relief must be overwhelming.”
“Yes.” My emotions did feel overwhelming. Either I would drown in them, or I would pick a direction and begin to swim.
“Come here.” Will’s voice was gentle. “Leave the window open if you’re hot. I don’t mind.”
He lifted the covers and I crawled into bed beside him.
“Oh, Merrow,” he said, touching my cheek.
It was the first time in nine years I’d let anyone see me cry.
Chapter Nineteen
The next morning, Amir knocked on the door without calling first. He looked as I did—as though he’d hardly slept. I ignored the sharp twist in my stomach—had he been with Emma?—and embraced him. He smelled exactly as he always had, earthy and warm and something else that was mysteriously, entirely him.
“Let’s go for a walk,” he said.
I nodded and asked him to give me a moment. In the kitchen, Will looked up at me expectantly. A mug of steaming coffee and an unopened book sat on the table in front of him. The light in the kitchen was soft; the sun was still working its way into the sky. We had shared many quiet mornings at that table.
“Amir’s here?”
I nodded. I walked over to him and sat on his lap. It wasn’t something that I normally did, but I felt drawn to him. There was a heaviness inside of me that I could not shake. Will wrapped me in his arms.
“He wants to go on a walk.”
Will was quiet for a moment before nodding. “That’s a good idea. It’s a beautiful morning.”
“We won’t be long.”
He kissed me. I leaned into him, remembering, suddenly, our first kiss on the balcony of his parents’ house, and how I had initiated it. I had so wanted him to love me, and even now it surprised me to know that he did.
I HAD BARELY closed the front door behind me when I told Amir about Bear’s letters.
“He’s been writing for years,” I said in an urgent rush. “Threatening to tell Will that we killed Rei and stole her money.” It was both terrifying and a relief to finally say these words out loud.
“A threat sent by letter,” Amir said drily. “How civilized. I wouldn’t have guessed Bear had it in him.”
“Amir.”
When he looked at me, the amusement drained from his expression. His eyes darkened. “So I killed Rei. That’s what you believe.”
I felt my hands begin to shake. It was as though time fell away and I was standing in Rei’s room. The sight of her unnaturally still body, the terrible expression on her face—a look of panic and fright and pain that she had never worn in life. The indented pillow beside her. The empty box that had once held so much money.
“I never wanted to believe that.” My voice quivered with emotion. “But what choice did you leave me? Rei died and you went missing on the same day. Her money—the money that we discovered together—was gone. I have fought for nine years not to think of you as a murderer. That you could do that to Rei . . . it’s not possible. But I also didn’t think it was possible for you to leave me. And you did.”
Amir raised his eyebrows. “I left you? You were the one who fell in love with the Langfords and decided they were your ticket out of Horseshoe Cliff.”
His words were cold, but his delivery was not. He spoke in a voice that was thick with a pain that burned with equal measure within me.
“I would never have left without you,” I said as we stepped onto the beach. “Rosalie Langford was going to help you. I made her promise that she would. She was going to help both of us get away from Bear. I wanted us to leave together.”
A complicated series of expressions washed over Amir’s face. He ran his hand over his shorn head, and when he did, I felt the nerve endings in my own hand come alive, imagining that his hand was mine, imagining the feel of his cropped hair against my skin. I had never experienced such an intense longing as I did in that moment. I gripped my hands together so that I wouldn’t reach for him.
“I didn’t know,” he said. “I only heard you tell Rei that you were leaving.” His eyes flickered with hurt and anger. “You were so excited. So happy. You couldn’t wait to get away.”
“That’s true. I wanted to get as far away from Bear as I could. I wanted to go to college. I wanted to see more, to do more. But I always wanted to do it with you, Amir. I would never have left you the way that you left me. I trusted you. I thought you trusted me.”
When he didn’t immediately respond, I began walking faster, heading toward the ocean. I had not made it far when his hand encircled mine.
“I’m sorry,” he said. His words were weighted with sadness. “I’m sorry that I left you. I made a terrible mistake. Not a day has passed that I have not thought of you and wished I had done things differently.”
A current of desire swept through me. When I hugged Amir, it was difficult to let go. Our bodies remembered each other. We sat side by side in the sand and looked out at the sea, our arms touching as though forming a seal. I was aware of every breath he took. I was even aware, I was certain, of the restless beating of his heart. My attraction to him brought with it a wave of shame, as it always had. I was not allowed to love him as I did. Not then, and certainly not now, when I was engaged to Will.
“I heard you talking to Rei that day after you came back from the Langfords’ house,” he said. “I t
hought you were planning to leave without me. I felt frantic. I couldn’t think clearly. I thought I was angry, but now I think I was more confused than anything. When you came home, you didn’t look like the Merrow that I knew. You dressed differently. It seemed like you were looking at everything at Horseshoe Cliff in a new way. When I overheard you talking to Rei, you didn’t even sound like you. I couldn’t believe that you would go off without me. I told myself that maybe I’d just been imagining this relationship that didn’t actually exist. We never talked about it . . . about us. Everything that I’d ever thought had passed between us, I suddenly doubted. It made me feel crazy.”
He hung his head. “And then I remembered the money. Rei’s money. I was going to ask her if I could borrow some to buy new equipment for the farm, and then I was going to use the money to run away. When I got to her house, it looked like she was home, but she didn’t answer the door. I was worried. I climbed in through her bathroom window and . . . she was in her bed, and she wasn’t breathing. I tried to wake her, but her skin was cold. She looked scared. I hated that she had died like that, alone. I didn’t know what to do.”
His voice was so thin and strained that I knew this memory of Rei had haunted his dreams just as it had haunted mine. All these years, we had been kept awake at night by the same memory, the same recurring nightmare. Our beloved Rei, frightened and alone as she faced death. Amir had not killed Rei. He had loved her. He had not run to her in anger, but in sadness.
“I couldn’t imagine living at Horseshoe Cliff without you and without Rei,” Amir said. “I just . . . I made a decision.”
“You took the money.”
He nodded. It seemed he could not bring himself to look at me.
“And the tiny house that you made with my father. That first one you carved together.”
Now he turned to me, surprised. “How did you—?”
