by Joss Wood
“I’m fine, fairy godmother.”
Padma’s thin fingers encircled her wrist and she squeezed to get Tanna’s attention. “Tanna, this is me. Tell me.”
Tanna rubbed the back of her neck. “I’ve actually been fine,” she admitted. “I thought the multicar pileup would be a trigger and I kept waiting for the anxiety to strike but nothing. Not when I was treating patients or later, when I was alone at home.”
“Nothing at all?” Padma asked, her thin, perfectly penciled eyebrows flying upward.
She sounded like Tanna’s supervisor, who kept taking her emotional temperature, constantly hovering. “Absolutely nothing. I think it’s gone as quickly as it arrived.”
“So, if the trigger was the accident where the young girl died, what made the PTSD symptoms disappear?”
Tanna was scared to call herself cured; she was asking for trouble if she did that. But maybe she had the symptoms under control.
Tanna thought about how to answer Padma’s question. “I think it was doing that tracheotomy. I was terrified but I did it. I cried all over Levi afterward but I think I cried it all out.”
Padma sipped her wine before rolling the bowl between the palms of her hands. “Ah, you’ve finally mentioned Levi. I was wondering when you were going to pull him into the conversation.”
Tanna undid the zip on her work coveralls to reveal the black T-shirt underneath. Was Padma preparing to sweat the truth out of her? “Can we turn the heat down?”
“No,” Padma replied, putting her wine down. “It’s not hot. You’re just feeling uncomfortable.”
“Anyone would be when faced with your tell-me-everything expression,” Tanna shot back.
There wasn’t a boundary Padma wouldn’t cross, so Tanna waited for the third, or thirty-third, degree. Instead of throwing questions at her, Padma lit up another cigarette and, through the smoke, squinted at Tanna. “Do you love him?”
Of course she did. “I never stopped loving him.”
“Uh-huh.” Padma inhaled then picked up her wine again. Before taking a sip, she waved the goblet back and forth. “So, that being established, can I ask why you are in my apartment, in London, drinking my wine when you could be with him having great sex?”
It was a question Tanna asked herself often. “My job is here, Padma.”
“They don’t need medical people in Boston?”
“No, I mean, yes, of course they do,” Tanna replied, flustered.
“So, you could be in Boston, with Levi, doing what you do now,” Padma said prosaically. She narrowed her eyes and leaned forward. “Let’s try that again... Why aren’t you in Boston, with the man you say you love?”
Tanna could lie, spin her a line, but she was tired of lying to herself, and to others. “Because I’m scared.”
“You should be scared. Love is scary.” Padma shrugged, unfazed. “But what, specifically, are you scared of?”
“I don’t want to hurt him again,” Tanna fudged.
Padma sent her a hard-eyed squint, worthy of one of Macbeth’s witches. “Be honest with yourself, Tanna Murphy.”
Tanna blew air into her cheeks. “How can I ask for more when I’ve already had, have, so much, Padma? When I’m alive, breathing, living, for God’s sake!”
There it was, in black-and-white.
The crux of what she was feeling. She was fit and healthy and wealthy. Did she have a right to love and happiness, as well? She had her brothers and her trust fund and the means to go anywhere and do anything.
Addy never had the opportunity to live a fraction of the life Tanna had. Who was she to expect or want marriage and babies and great sex when Addy didn’t get to experience any of that?
When Tanna finished her bumbling explanation, Padma leaned back in her chair and folded her arms across her Armani silk shirt. Ignoring both her burning cigarette and her wine, Padma pursed her lips. Tanna, who thought she knew Padma well, couldn’t decipher her expression.
Whatever Padma was thinking, Tanna hoped she treated her gently. Her heart was split wide-open, her belly exposed, and vulnerability pumped from every pore.
Padma opened her mouth to speak, snapped it closed and shook her head. Hopping off the stool, she paced the area between the island and the kitchen counters, scowling at the expensive marble floor.
Padma, the most languid woman Tanna had ever met, was expending energy. And that meant she was either upset or...pissed.
“What a lot of horse crap.”
Pissed it was, then.
Maybe Padma wasn’t the person Tanna should be sharing her inner fears with. Then again, she was one person—apart from Levi—Tanna could trust to give it to her straight.
“I have a question for you...”
Tanna nodded and reached for her wine. This conversation most definitely needed the soothing powers of expensive alcohol.
“Please explain how your living small, not having a relationship, not touching your trust fund has helped Addy.”
This again?
“I’ve helped a lot of people, Padma. I’ve saved a few lives. I learned how to budget, to live within my salary, the difference between wants and needs. I think I’ve grown up.”
Padma stopped pacing and her dark eyes pinned Tanna to her seat. “Maybe. But you didn’t answer the question... How does any of that, how does staying here in London and not being with Levi, help Addy?”
Was this a trick question? “It doesn’t. She’s dead.”
“So, why are you sacrificing yourself, sacrificing your happiness for a dead person? Is that something she’d expect you to do?”
Tanna swirled her wine around in her glass. “Her mom was so mad, Padma. So angry I survived, and Addy didn’t. To her, it was just another example of the rich getting everything they wanted and the poor getting the bad deal.”
Padma winced. “The woman lost her only child, Tanna. But that’s her perception, not yours. You can’t make your life smaller, deny yourself happiness because Addy died. In fact, many people would say you should honor her memory by living the best life you can. You’ve paid back any debt you think you owe, Tanna.”
Padma took both Tanna’s hands in hers and squeezed. “Nobody is going to forgive you, Tanna. No one is going to say it is okay, to tell you that you are allowed to be happy. No one is going to give you permission to fall in love, to get married, to have babies. No one is going to rescue you from yourself, fight these demons for you, pull you out of this rut of self-flagellation. You’ve got to forgive your nineteen-year-old self. You’ve got to accept you made a decision not to drink and drive and you’ve got to start believing it was the only decision you could’ve made at the time. Denying yourself happiness is just you punishing yourself.”
“I—” Tanna didn’t know what to say, how to process what she was hearing.
Padma wouldn’t release her grip on Tanna’s hands. “Do you want to stay in London?”
Tanna touched her tongue to her top lip. “No.”
“Do you still want to work in emergency medicine?”
“No, I want to work at Murphy’s, but it’s so damn frivolous, Pad. It’s not important.”
Padma released an irritated sigh. “Picasso said the purpose of art is to wash the daily dust of life off our souls.”
Tanna lifted her eyebrows at her godmother, not at the quote but at the familiarity of her use of the artist’s name. “You make it sound like you knew him.”
“I met him a few times in the early seventies. He was old, I was young. He thought I was beautiful, and I was... Anyway, I’m not going to let you distract me with tales of my wild youth.”
And Tanna knew Padma had taken the concept of wild to new heights.
“Art...art is important, Tanna. The appreciation of beauty, the creation of beauty, is what makes us human. It makes us look inside ourselves, see the worl
d from different perspectives, challenges us to think deeper. You’re allowed to love what you do, darling.”
Tann shook her head. “I don’t want to go back to being a pampered princess, Padma.”
Padma smiled at her. “Darling, you were a princess at nineteen. At nearly thirty, you are now a queen. You have fought battles, gone to war, lived and laughed and wept.”
Padma lifted her fingers to push a curl off Tanna’s forehead. “Baby girl, you are more than just a queen, you are a warrior queen! Now, straighten your crown and embrace your life, embrace love and be happy for God’s sake!”
Tanna really wanted to, but denying herself was a hard habit to break. “I don’t know how to do that, Pad.”
“Well, I suggest you learn,” Padma tartly replied.
* * *
A few more weeks and his cast would come off. He couldn’t wait.
Levi rolled the elastic band holding the plastic cast sleeve down his thigh and over his cast, taking the cover with it. He hadn’t wanted to repeat the duct tape experiment and lose more of his leg hair, so Tanna had suggested the rubber bands and they worked like a dream, allowing him to shower without getting his cast wet.
Levi wrapped a towel around his waist and pushed his dripping hair off his face. Gripping the edges of the basin, he looked up into the mirror and grimaced at his pale face and the strips of blue under his eyes.
He’d been pushing himself too hard, physically and mentally. Unable to sit at home in an empty house, he’d hired a limo and a driver to take him to work, staying there far longer than he should. And when he finally called his driver to take him back to the estate, he dreaded walking into a house that didn’t have Tanna in it.
It had been two weeks and he was over feeling like crap. Dammit, he really envied the cavemen of the past. He wanted to go to London, wrap his hand around her hair and drag her back home.
No fuss, no talking... Yeah, those cavemen didn’t realize how easy they had it.
That being said, even if forcing Tanna back to Boston had been an option, it wasn’t something he’d ever do. He wanted her with him but more than that, he wanted her to want to be with him.
Nothing else would suffice.
So, long nights and busy days would be the way he’d be spending his time until he got the hell over her.
As if that was a possibility.
He was so sick of feeling...sick. Heartsore. Incapacitated. Slow. He wanted to walk freely, run, drive his damn car, make love without the discomfort of his cast. He wanted to go to sleep without having to take a pain pill or a sleeping pill or a combination of both, only to lie awake and ache for Tanna.
Man, he hurt. Physically and emotionally.
And, worst of all, he was starting to think she wasn’t coming back. Not ever...
How the everlasting hell was he supposed to live the rest of his life without Tanna in it?
But he’d done it once; he’d have to suck it up and do it again.
His life...such fun.
“You look like hell, Brogan.”
Levi closed his eyes at the sound of her voice and prayed, begged God, that he wasn’t hallucinating, that she was standing in the doorway to his bathroom. Because if he opened his eyes and she wasn’t there, he didn’t know if he could stand it.
“Hey, Lee.”
Levi opened his eyes and saw her reflection in the bathroom mirror, her hair pulled off her face, her eyes dominating her face. She looked pale and tired—someone else hadn’t been sleeping much.
The fact that they both looked like ghouls gave him some hope. Levi released his grip on the basin and slowly turned around, allowing his good leg to take most of his weight. Yep, she was back, dressed in faded blue jeans, a red cashmere sweater and her favorite black coat.
Swear to God, he was going to strip her naked and kidnap her clothes. She was never leaving him again.
He didn’t give a crap. He was letting his inner caveman loose...
“How’s the leg? And your shoulder?”
Like that was important. Levi finally managed to get his tongue to form words. “Come here,” he growled.
Tanna tipped her head to the side, as if she was debating whether to obey him or not, but then she started to move. When he could reach her, he placed both his hands on her hips and yanked her into him, his mouth covering hers. God, he needed this; he needed her.
In his arms, melded to him, just like this...
Levi pushed his hands into her thick hair, keeping her head still as he devoured her mouth, reacquainted himself with her taste. There was a hint of coffee on her tongue but mostly he could taste her... Tanna. His head swam.
She was here and he wasn’t letting her go. Not again. He didn’t care if he had to beg or grovel or move to bloody London, he was going to live his life with her.
She was his person...the other half of his soul.
Cool feminine hands skimmed down his rib cage and long, elegant fingers fluttered over his stomach and slid over the skin just above his towel. His body was telling her how happy it was to see her again and Tanna’s thumb drifted over his erection. Levi groaned.
This would be a good time to sweep her into his arms, carry her up the stairs and toss her on the bed. He wanted to do that, more than he wanted to breathe. “I wish I could carry you to bed.”
“In a few weeks, I’ll hold you to your wish.” Tanna murmured her reply against his mouth. “But for now, let me love you.”
The towel fell to the floor and Tanna’s hands wrapped around his shaft, setting off red and blue and gold fireworks in his brain.
Wait...what did that mean?
Was she back to stay or was she just going to stay until he was fully recovered?
Levi started to ask her but then she dropped to her knees, covered him with her lips and Levi forgot how to talk. Or think.
He could only grip the basin behind him as waves of pleasure rolled over him.
* * *
A little while later, Tanna pushed a cup of coffee across the kitchen table toward Levi, who was still looking at her with a what-the-hell-is-happening expression on his bemused face. Tanna lifted her mug to her lips to hide her smile. She hadn’t planned on making love to her man in that particular way as a honey-I’m-home gift, but it was hella effective.
And she rather liked seeing Levi caught off guard.
Levi, now dressed in track pants and a Henley, sleeves pushed above his elbows, looked at her as if deciding whether she was a figment of his imagination or not. To help him along, Tanna pinched the skin on the top of his hand.
“Ow!” Levi glared at her. “What the hell?”
“I’m back—get used to it,” Tanna told him, taking the seat opposite.
Levi carefully placed his coffee cup on the table and pushed it away from himself. He rested his forearms on the table too, and sent Tanna a hard look. “As happy as I am to see you, and as much as I enjoyed what happened in the bathroom, I’m going to be brutally honest with you, Tan.”
“What? Just for a change?”
Levi ignored her sarcastic quip. “If you’re not staying or if you intend to leave again in a few weeks, just do it now. Just walk out and don’t come back. I want you, God knows how much I want you, but I can’t handle you jumping in and out of my life, Tanna.” Levi pushed a shaking hand through his hair and Tanna’s throat closed at the emotion in his eyes. “I love you, dammit, but I’m an all-or-nothing type of guy.”
“I know, Lee.”
Tanna held his eyes, but didn’t say anything more. She wanted to tell him she’d packed up her apartment in London, that all her furniture, books and boxes were in a container and were due to arrive in Boston in a week. She wanted to ask him whether she should rent an apartment or move back into the house in Beacon Hill or whether he wanted her here. Whether he’d consider marriage again, children.
..
With her obviously. But the words, big and hot and scary, were stuck in her throat. Why couldn’t she say anything? Why now, at one of the most important times of her life, was her brain overloading, her tongue not functional?
Because this was so big, so important, so life-changing...
And she was terrified.
Levi pushed his chair back and started to stand up. “Okay, well, your silence is your answer.”
Wait! What? No, it wasn’t!
Tanna leaned forward and cleared her throat. “Sit down, Levi. Please?”
Levi glared at her, obviously frustrated, but he sat down, his eyes on his mug of coffee. Tanna, knowing it was do-or-die time, cleared her throat. She didn’t have time to marshal her thoughts or pick her words, she just had to speak. “I’m a lucky woman, Lee. So incredibly blessed.”
Levi narrowed his eyes at her, frustration leaping into them. “Are you really going to spout that BS again?”
Tanna smiled at his irritation. “I am lucky, Levi. I had a couple of bad things happen to me but really, in the scheme of things, I was extremely fortunate. I had my brothers when my parents died, I had excellent medical care and I found you. Being loved by you has been the greatest blessing of my life.”
“But?”
Tanna reached across the table and placed her hand on his wrist, tracing the raised veins with the tips of her finger. “I’m sorry for the way I left you, Levi, but I’m not sorry for leaving. I needed to do that. I needed to live a different life. I needed to do what I did. I very much needed to stand on my own two feet.”
“You’re not telling me anything new here, Murphy,” Levi growled, impatient.
Tanna stroked the length of his ring finger. “But I’m done with feeling guilty, done with thinking I don’t deserve love and happiness because I lived this sprinkled-with-fairy-dust life.”
“You lost your parents, you had an accident and you worked your ass off to walk again. Where was the fairy dust while you were in the hospital?” Levi demanded.
“You were my fairy dust, Lee. You and your mom and my brothers, you were there every step of the way. In the midst of my pain, I fell in love—who does that happen to?—and I got a mom at the same time. I fell in love with Callie about the same time I fell in love with you.”
