She stuck out her chin. “I’m not twelve anymore.”
He shook his head. “You’re right. I’m sorry. Can I come in for a second? I have to get something off my chest.”
Oh no. That didn’t sound good. “I’d rather you didn’t.”
He cocked his head to the side and studied her. “Okay. I’ll say it here.”
She peered out into the creepy darkness and huffed. “Fine. Come in.” She yanked him inside and shut the door, then locked it.
He chuckled. “Not afraid of anything out there, are you?”
She flipped on the lights then whacked him in the chest on her way back to her chair. “Shut up.” She plopped down with the quilt around her. “What do you want to ‘get off your chest?’” she said, making air quotes.
He sat down on the couch, on the side closest to her chair. He looked down at his hands. “I have to tell you something.”
She waited for him, and when he didn’t go on, she said, “Okay.”
He looked up at her, and she was surprised by the intensity in his gaze. “I lied.”
That was not what she expected him to say. Her stomach dropped, and she sat there, stunned.
He continued. “I told you Angie and I were dating, but that wasn’t true.” He rushed on. “I didn’t mean to lie, it just sort of happened. And then, once I’d said we had a good date, I didn’t know how to take it back, so I said we were going out again.”
Sidney knew he was pausing so she could say something, but no words would come out. Why was he telling her this? What did he expect her to say? She wrapped the quilt tighter around her.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “If you’re upset with me, I understand.”
She was, but she couldn’t tell him that. “No, you’re fine. That’s okay. I understand.” The words sounded robotic, even to her ears.
He stared at her thoughtfully for a moment. “You okay? You never called me.”
“Sorry.” She looked to the polished, hardwood floor. “I’ve been busy.” Busy trying to push you out of my head.
He glanced at the horror film paused on her TV. “You look real busy.”
She blushed. “Just trying to de-stress.”
“You have any popcorn? I could use some de-stressing.”
She should say no. Shove him out the door. But looking in his blue eyes was weakening her resolve. “In the kitchen.”
He stood and crossed the room. “I’ll make the popcorn.”
“Do you want me to re-start this movie, or pick a different one?” She was going to regret this.
“You choose.” He walked into the kitchen and started rummaging through her cupboards.
“Second one on the right,” she called.
“Found it,” he called back.
Sidney picked up the remote and scrolled through the selections. When she came to What’s Up Doc, she smiled. That was the one.
He came back in the room with a silver bowl. The smell made her mouth water. It had been a while since she’d made popcorn. It was difficult to eat a whole batch by herself.
Blake sat on the couch and she bit her lip, wondering if she could still sit in her chair and share the popcorn.
“Come on.” Blake motioned to the seat next to him.
She decided not to argue with him and plopped down beside him. She covered herself with the quilt to add a little buffer. Then she started the movie.
He chuckled. “I haven’t seen this in years.”
“Me neither.” She grinned up at him. “Remember how we used to watch this over and over? I think we wore out the tape.”
“And we annoyed Natalie by repeating our favorite quotes.”
She poked him in the side. “Don’t hog the popcorn.”
As they watched the movie, she curled up under the quilt. At some point, Blake must have gotten cold because halfway through the movie she realized he was under the quilt with her. Not a good thing, because by the end of the movie she was totally snuggling with him.
She looked up and her gaze connected with his. That was a mistake. All the feelings for Blake she’d been pushing away suddenly crashed down on her, and she wondered why he was here with her. Could it be possible he had some of the same feelings she did?
The thought startled her and she hopped up and grabbed the popcorn bowl. “That was fun.” She went into the kitchen and stuck the bowl under the faucet.
Blake followed her. “It was.”
He looked serious, and her heart pounded. Could he really be spending time with her because he wanted something more? The implications swirled in her head as her hands shook. Maybe he told her about Angie because he hoped to start up a relationship with her. She squirted a little soap on the popcorn bowl and grabbed a washcloth, deep in thought.
Blake hooked his thumbs in his jeans. “So, I wanted to apologize again for lying. I honestly didn’t mean to.”
She shrugged her shoulders, unsure of where he was going with it. She rinsed the bowl and grabbed a dishtowel.
“Has that kind of thing ever happened to you before?”
She froze. “What?”
“You know.” He avoided eye contact. “Maybe you didn’t mean to lie about something, but it happened and you didn’t know how to come clean.”
Grayson. He’d told Blake about her fake engagement. Anger and embarrassment coursed through her. How could he have done that? She dried the bowl then set it down on the counter. “Nope.” She challenged him with a stare.
He blew out a breath and raised his hands. “All right. I tried everything. I give up.”
She narrowed her eyes at him. “What are you talking about?”
“I know you weren’t really engaged to Ted.”
“I can’t believe Grayson told you!” She tossed the dishtowel on the sink and huffed out of the room.
“Grayson didn’t say anything.”
Blake’s voice was right behind her and she turned to face him. “Then who?”
He balked, and took a step back. “It doesn’t matter. What matters is, I’ve known for weeks, and I’ve given you every opportunity to tell me. I thought if we spent more time together, you’d feel more comfortable talking to me. So, I took you to the lake. I came over. We talked. I’ve told you things I’ve never told anyone else.” His voice rose. “But no matter what I do, you lie to me.” His eyes shot accusing daggers at her.
Her mouth dropped open. He’d known this whole time? That’s why he’d been coming around? And that’s why he told her about Angie? It wasn’t because he had feelings for her?
Humiliation filled her and her neck burned. Once again, Blake was making her feel like nothing. Less than nothing. He’d made her open up her heart to him, and all he wanted was to see if he could make her crack.
She clenched her hands into fists. “Get out.”
He folded his arms. “Right. You’re mad at me. Because you lied.”
“Get. Out.” She pointed to the door, too livid to do anything else.
“Fine. I’ll go. I just want to know one thing.” He paused. “Why?”
Because I didn’t want to fall back in love with you. The words echoed in her head. Her heart thumped loudly in her ears. Too late. She took a step away from him. “I want you to leave. Now.”
His shoulders fell and he walked to the door. He opened it but didn’t leave. He turned to her. “Listen, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean—”
“Stop.” Sidney was in no mood to talk about it anymore. All she wanted to do was crawl into bed and forget about the last few weeks of her life. Her stomach burned with acid, and she couldn’t breathe. She closed her eyes, hiding the moisture that was building up, threatening to make the situation even more humiliating. “Just leave. And don’t come back.”
The door shut and she opened her eyes.
Blake was gone.
Blake slid behind the wheel of his truck and stared at Sidney’s apartment door. Why had he confronted her with the truth? Of all the stupid things he could have done, that was the w
orst. He had spent the week wondering why she’d broken off her pretend engagement. In all honesty, he was hoping it was because she wanted to make herself available to him.
But that obviously wasn’t the reason. She was continuing to distance herself from him, even after he’d gotten her to let down her guard tonight. His bright idea of telling her the truth about Angie in the hopes that it would give her a way to come clean about Ted hadn’t worked at all. She would have held onto that lie forever.
His only choice, he’d thought, was to tell her he knew. Big mistake. Now she was not only holding him at arm’s length, she was tossing him out the door. He hit his steering wheel with the palm of his hand. She might never speak to him again. And for what? Because he couldn’t let her lie go? Stupid.
Was it his pride that wouldn’t let it go, or something else? Why was he so hung up on her? And then it hit him.
He was in love with Sidney.
He loved the way she laughed, and the way he felt when she was around. She completed him. And he wanted her to come clean about Ted because that would mean she trusted him fully.
He needed that trust after his last failed relationship. But for some reason, she didn’t want to give it to him. She pushed him away. And instead of waiting for her trust, he had forced the issue. Now she hated him.
He started his truck and drove out of her parking lot, his stomach in knots. He might have just blown his chance at any kind of relationship with Sidney.
Sidney spent the rest of the weekend trying to forget about the whole Blake fiasco. Her heart couldn’t take any more Blake, so she deleted his profile out of her computer. She threw out the Monopoly game he’d left at her apartment and deleted him from her phone.
The official Blake purge was underway. She threw away the materials she’d gotten from her skydiving instruction class. She even tossed the calendar where she’d written the event in red. If she could bleach her brain to forget the last few weeks, she’d do it in a heartbeat.
Then, after taking the trash out to the dumpster, she sat in her living room and stared at the wall. An image of Blake’s face popped into her head, unwanted. He had the bluest eyes. His smile could melt her heart in seconds.
She loved him, and he would never see her as worthy of his affections.
A tear escaped, and she quickly brushed it off her cheek. No. She did not want to waste her time crying over Blake. She needed to cut him from her life and move on.
Chapter 23
Sidney glanced at the clock. Almost five. Ten more minutes and she’d be able to close up shop and go home to the frozen dinner awaiting her. She sighed. It had been a month since she’d last seen Blake. A month of dead silence. He hadn’t texted, called, or come over. That was what she wanted, though, right?
It was what she had thought she wanted. She’d thought that if she didn’t see him, didn’t speak to him, the painful hole in her chest would close up and she’d be able to move on. Instead, the hole seemed to grow, and nothing she did filled it.
She opened up her social media accounts and posted something about being glad it was almost the weekend. Thursday wasn’t as good as Friday, but at least it was coming. Her phone pinged and she checked the message.
Phyllis: Did you hear? Blake’s mother passed away this morning.
Sidney’s breath caught, and her hands began to shake. He hadn’t called her. She shook her head. Of course he hadn’t. She’d told him not to contact her. And now she felt awful.
Sidney: Oh, no! How?
Phyllis: Brain aneurism. She went suddenly.
Blake.
He must be in so much pain. She grabbed her purse and headed out, locking her door and jumping in her car. Before she had time to think about it, she pulled up in front of his house. His truck sat in the driveway.
She ran up the walkway and rang his doorbell. When he answered the door, his hair disheveled and red rims under his eyes, she felt even worse. “Blake.” She didn’t wait for him to say anything. She rushed to him and enveloped him in her arms.
He held her in a crushing hug. A choking sob escaped him, and she clung to him even tighter. “I’m so sorry,” she said, a tear escaping down her cheek.
After a moment, he pulled back, his emotions in check. He motioned for her to come inside, and she entered his living room. She didn’t know what to say, so she waited for him to speak.
“Do you want anything to drink?” he asked, his voice raspy.
She shook her head no.
He motioned to the couch. “Would you like to sit?”
She sat on his couch and folded her legs under her. She felt so bad about the way she’d treated him the last time they’d spoken, and yet, she had no idea what to say to make it right.
He sat next to her. “Thank you for coming. Means a lot to me.”
“Are you okay?”
He nodded. “I just…it came as a shock.”
“I know.” She placed her hand on his, and then immediately regretted it as the tingles started up her arm. She resisted the urge to pull away. She was there to comfort him.
He took her hand in his and gently squeezed, which sent her heart into overdrive. “She lived her life to the fullest. I can be happy about that.”
“And she was glad you were close, I’m sure.”
“Yes.” A sad smile appeared on his face. “I should have moved back sooner. I could have done my residency here.”
“Don’t do that. You couldn’t have known.”
He rubbed his forehead and sighed. “You’re right.” He stood, letting go of her hand. “Can we go for a walk? I need to get out of here.”
“Sure.”
They started down the sidewalk in the quiet residential neighborhood. Sidney wasn’t sure what to say, but she knew Blake needed her there, so she walked alongside him in silence.
“You know, every year she would ask me what I wanted for my birthday dinner. It was always the same, macaroni and cheese. She hated macaroni and cheese, but she made it, every year.”
“She was a good mother.”
He smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes. “She was sick a lot when I was young, but she always made me my birthday dinner.”
Sidney patted him on the shoulder.
“I remember one Christmas I had my heart set on getting a Nintendo 64. I was twelve. Stores for miles were sold out. I heard on the news that stores were taking orders, but they weren’t going to be filled for months. I was heartbroken.”
A light breeze blew the scent of a lilac bush over the air. She turned to him. “What happened?”
He chuckled. “Somehow, my mother pulled it off. It was there under the tree on Christmas morning. I was so excited, I screamed loud enough they probably heard me in Japan.”
She laughed. “What did she do, mug someone?”
“I have no idea. She would never tell me.” He grew serious. “She loved Christmas. It was her favorite time of year.”
As they walked, the sun dipped lower in the sky. Long shadows stretched across the sidewalk. Blake told her stories about his mother, and she listened. She knew he needed to talk.
They walked until it got dark. When they got back to Blake’s house, Sidney was famished. “How about I make us something to eat?”
Blake sat down on the couch. “Thank you. I haven’t eaten all day.”
She rummaged through the cupboards and managed to throw together a dinner with salad, some pasta, and some grilled chicken. She went into the living room to tell Blake the dinner was ready, and found him asleep.
Her heart went out to him. He had been exhausted. She covered his plate and put it in the fridge, then found a blanket in the closet. She tucked it around him, then ate her dinner alone. When she was done, she rinsed her plate and quietly left his house.
She didn’t see Blake again until the funeral. He sat in the front row of the chapel beside his aunt and uncle, and their children. Sidney slipped into a seat several rows back. The music filled the chapel and Sidney tried to hold it t
ogether. It was tearing her apart not being able to hold Blake’s hand and comfort him.
After the service, she slipped out the back door and crossed the parking lot. She didn’t want to stay for the luncheon. As she climbed into her car, she saw Blake step out and stop by the door. He stood and watched her pull out of the parking lot.
Chapter 24
Sidney tied her running shoes. It had been three weeks since the funeral, and she hadn’t heard from Blake. She figured she wouldn’t. It didn’t lessen the pain any, though.
She strapped her phone to her arm and started her playlist, but instead of her favorite pop song, Stairway to Heaven started playing. Heaviness settled in her chest. Instead of changing it, she let the classic rock song play as she jogged down her street.
She’d heard the song before, but she now listened to it with a new purpose. She wanted to understand the song. Wanted to pull the music into herself, and thus pull a little bit of Blake in as well. The melody was a bit haunting, but it went well with the lyrics, which spoke to her about the focus on material things in this life. She thought about Blake’s ex-wife, and wondered if the song ever made him sad.
And then the song changed, grew more up-tempo, and she realized she was enjoying it. She listened to it three times before she let the playlist go on to the next classic rock song. Hotel California. She let the rest of the music play as she ran.
Listening to Blake’s music made her feel closer to him, even though it magnified the pain. She no longer cared about that. It was obvious she wouldn’t outlive the hollow feeling inside her.
She got back to her apartment and stepped into the shower, playing the rest of Blake’s playlist on her Bluetooth speaker. She longed for the time she’d spent with him. The times they would talk, or just goof around. The way he smiled, and the way he always knew what to say to make things better. She missed him.
The shampoo lathered in her hair as she listened to Don’t Stop Believin’ and wondered what Blake was doing today. Maybe she couldn’t have him the way she wanted to, but avoiding him was ripping her apart.
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