by Hamel, B. B.
“It doesn’t matter what I do, does it?” he finally asks. “You’re going to gut that wing.”
“Damn right I am. All that money going to waste on, what, twenty people? We could save hundreds or thousands for the money it takes to house and feed and care for them full-time.”
“How very pragmatic.” He stands up. “Glad to know you’re still heartless.”
“Glad to know you’re still naive.”
He shakes his head. “I’m not naive, Jolena. I just believe in treating people like people and not like statistics.”
“Good luck with that. Unfortunately, I don’t have that luxury. So the next time you want to fuck with my hospital, think twice. I’m in the business of saving as many lives as I can, not in keeping outdated long-term wings afloat out of some inane sense of self-righteousness.”
He stares down at her and she smiles back placidly. For a second, I think he might actually hit her. But slowly he turns and walks away.
I get up and follow him with only a glare in Jolena’s direction. She’s smiling like she won some kind of victory.
I catch up with Cade outside in front of the building. An ambulance driver is smoking a cigarette near the entrance to the ER.
“I guess now we know,” he says to me, staring out at the parking lot.
“There’s no way your dad knew any of that.”
“He knew.” Cade shakes his head angrily. “Of course he knew. That’s our lesson for this trip. It doesn’t matter what we do, the world will always cut you down and grind you into dust.”
I frown at that. He’s never spoken that way, with such venom and nihilism. “Don’t tell me he’s finally getting to you?”
Cade smiles sadly at me. “If you think he hadn’t gotten to me a long time ago already, you’re kidding yourself.”
He goes quiet and I just watch him for a few minutes. He stares out over the parking lot.
I hate seeing him like this. It hits me in the chest how badly I want to make him feel better. I want to comfort him but I don’t know why. I never thought I’d actually pity this man.
He has everything he could possibly want. He doesn’t need more… but that’s what he wants. He craves more like he’s owed it or something.
But then again, everything I’ve seen about him makes me think he really would be a decent man. Maybe he made mistakes, maybe he partied too hard, but he seems to have been trying to do good in this world. At least in a few places. At least here.
I step up next to him and slip my hand into his. He looks down at me, a little surprised.
“Come on,” I say. “I have something that might cheer you up.”
He arches an eyebrow at me. “I’d rather wallow for a bit.”
“Come on,” I say again. “Trust me. You’ll like it.”
We walk back into the hospital together. I lead him up to the long-term wing and into the empty room where we dropped our bags earlier. He leans against the wall, looking out the window, while I fish the composition book from my bag. I hold it out to him.
“Check this out,” I say, feeling embarrassed already. This is a terrible idea but I’m committed.
He frowns at it. “The book again,” he says.
“Go ahead. Before I lose my nerve.”
He takes it from me. “You don’t have to show me this, you know.”
“I know.” I can feel myself blushing like crazy. “Just look inside. You’ll see why I wanted it back.”
He flips the book open and pages through it. He frowns at the pages for a second… and then his eyes go wide.
A smile slips across his lips. He glances up at me and I can’t meet his gaze.
He looks back down, flipping through the book. He reads it over a few times, skipping around, clearly enjoying himself.
“It’s a dream journal,” he says finally.
“I know. Boring, right?”
He grins huge at me. “It’s a sex dream journal.”
“Don’t make fun of me, okay? I don’t know why I wrote those all down, but—”
“Why’d my father have it?” he asks.
I clench my jaw. “The asshole caught me writing in it one day and took it. Said I wasn’t on break and could study later. I don’t know if he read it but I had to make sure I got it back.”
He laughs softly. “Holy shit. I bet he had no clue what he was taking from you.”
“I hope not.” I’m so red and embarrassed. I can’t believe I actually showed that to him. “This was a dumb idea.”
I reach for the book but he holds it away. “No, this was a great idea. You’re renewing my faith in humanity.”
“Just because you’re reading some dirty dreams?”
“Little Lucy, the fact that such a virginal little kitten like you could even have dreams like this restores my faith.” He steps forward, a hand on my lower back. He kisses me softly and I give in to him slowly.
This is why I wanted to show him the book, after all. I knew he’d kiss me like this.
“That was the nicest thing you could’ve done for me,” he says softly with a grin on his face.
“I knew you’d like it, perv.” I push him away playfully.
He smiles and leans back against the wall. I take the notebook back and slip it into my bag, hoping I don’t regret that decision sometime later.
“I just wish there was something I could do,” he whispers. “But maybe she’s right.”
“Don’t let her get to you,” I say. “She just said those things to piss you off.”
“True, but she might be right anyway.”
I shake my head. “Come on, Cade. Don’t be like that. You know better.”
He sighs. “Okay, okay, fine. How about we go talk about that one dream you had, about the hockey coach and the whole team?”
I blush hard. “Don’t.”
“I mean, I get going through all those big, strapping men, but the entire stadium too?”
“Oh my god. It was a dream, dreams don’t make sense.”
“Sure, sure.” He laughs. “Oh and that one where you were underwater with the mermaids? I guess the merman…”
I glare at him as hard as I can but I know I brought this on myself.
At least he’s smiling again. Sure, I’m mortified, but at least he’s laughing. I hated seeing him so broken down like that, just from that stupid admin woman.
As if she knows anything. She’s bitter and jaded and can’t see beyond her own little world, this building. She thinks the whole world works this way because she works this way.
But I’ve seen what Cade can do if he wants to. I think he can do good things…
I know he can, if he just keeps trying.
“Come on,” Cade says, taking my hand. “Let’s make one last round before we move on.”
“Where are we going next?” I ask him.
He just smiles mysteriously. “I think you’re going to like it.”
I groan and follow him out into the hallway.
I suspect I’m not going to like it… at all.
17
Cade
“Welcome to the Tanner Ranch!”
The man grins at the two of us from behind this big, bushy mustache. He’s wearing faded blue jeans, a cowboy hat, and real-life cowboy boots.
“Oh, no,” I hear Lucy whisper, which just makes me smile even more.
“Now, folks, I hear you two are here to help out, is that right?” The old man lean against a fencepost, still grinning.
I nod. “We sure are. I’m Cade and this is Lucy.”
“Pleasure to meet you both.” The man spits on the ground. “Happy to have a couple extra hands around this week, you know, we could always use the help.”
“That’s what we’re here for,” I say. “Make sure you work this one extra hard.” I slap Lucy on the back and she glares at me like she literally wants me to drop dead.
“Shucks, well, I’ll do my best,” the man says. “I’m Lucius Tanner, by the way, but you can call me O
ld Lou. Everyone ‘round here does.”
“All right then, Old Lou.”
“Come on. I’ll show y’all to your rooms.”
Old Lou leads us down a long gravel path toward a large building out in the distance.
Lucy moves up beside me as Old Lou hurries up ahead.
“What is this place?” she asks me softly.
“Cattle ranch.”
“Jesus. What else do you people own?”
“Everything.” I grin at her. “Believe it or not, cattle ranching is big money.”
“I believe it.” She sighs. “What are we doing all week?”
“I think we’re doing old-fashioned work,” I whisper. “You know, with our hands?”
She rolls her eyes. “Please. Like you’ve ever gotten your hands dirty before.”
“This isn’t the first ranch I’ve visited.” I wink at her and put my arms around her shoulders. “Come on, you’ll love it. The great outdoors, fresh air, all that.”
“Bugs. Rain. Shit.”
“Cattle! The glory of nature!”
“Mud.”
I grin at her and hug her tight. “It’ll be an adventure!”
“I hate you,” she whispers and I just laugh.
Old Lou leads us up to the main ranch building. He takes us inside.
“Most of the others are out working. Ma Tanner’s in the kitchen cooking up something good, and my boys are out in the fields. Y’all can help Ma out for now while you get settled.” He shows us to one large room with a huge king bed in the middle. “Unpack, we’ll see you in the kitchen.”
He turns to leave but Lucy stops him. “I’m sorry, just one room?”
He gives her an odd look. “Sorry, it’s all we got. Not to your liking?”
“No, I mean, I’m sorry, I just—” She’s blushing like mad.
“We’re not married or together,” I say to Old Lou. “She’s old-fashioned, you know?”
“Ah,” he says, nodding. “Well, it’s a big bed. See you two soon.” He ambles off, whistling a tune.
I head into the room. “Sure beats a hotel,” I say as I toss my bag on a chair in the corner.
She shuts the door and whirls on me. “You set this up.”
“I did not.”
“You did. Don’t lie to me.”
I put my hands up. “Seriously. I’m innocent.”
She glares at me for a long time before throwing her bag on the bed. “You sleep on the floor.”
“No way. I’ve got a bad back.”
“Too bad.”
I hop up onto the bed and stretch out. “Plenty of room for us both. Besides, it’ll be nice, having your naked warm body next to mine.”
“I don’t sleep naked.” She crossed her arms over her chest.
“You will with me.”
She rolls her eyes. “Come on, asshole. Let’s get settled. And seriously, no funny business here, okay? We’re almost through and we might as well make it out alive.”
“Oh, please.” I reach out and grab her, pulling her onto the bed with me. She lets out a little whine as I pin her down and kiss her. “This is a dream come true for you.”
“Get off, dickhead.”
I kiss her again and she returns it in spades. We kiss like that for a few seconds before I finally pull away. “I’m sleeping right here,” I whisper. “Now, say yes, Daddy.”
She bites her lip. “Yes, Daddy.”
I release her. “Good girl.”
I hop up, trying to still my racing heart. She clears her throat and heads into the bathroom. I hear the water running and I grin to myself. When she comes out, she just glares at me.
“Come on, let’s go,” she says, and I follow her out into the kitchen.
Ma Tanner is an old woman just like Lou, but pretty in her old age, or at least she’s weathered well. Long salt-and-pepper hair pulled into a thick braid over one shoulder, laugh lines at her eyes.
“Hello, you two,” she says. “Lou told me you’d be staying with us.”
“Get a lot of visitors from corporate?” I ask her.
She snorts. “We got bought out ten years ago and never heard a peep from you folks. I actually forgot we were owned at all until your office said you two would be stopping by for a visit.”
“That’s good,” I say. “Better to fly under the radar.”
“That’s what the boys say.” She shrugs and turns back to cooking.
“Smells good,” Lucy says, stepping up next to her.
“Why don’t you chop some onions, dear?” she asks me before turning to Lucy. “Might as well make that man useful, huh?”
I grin and get to work. I actually like cooking, so I make quick work of the onions. Next I tackle some peppers and celery, and finally I finish by peeling carrots and potatoes.
“He’s a natural,” Ma says.
“Something like that,” Lucy mutters.
I grin at them, proud of how good I am at turning big vegetables into tiny little pieces.
“You know, I don’t need too much more help,” Ma says. “Why don’t you two go for a little walk around the grounds? Head back in an hour or so and you can meet the boys.”
“Works for me.” I grab Lucy’s hand. “Come on, sweetie.”
She turns bright red. “He’s joking,” she says quickly.
Ma gives us a knowing look and waves a spoon. “Get out of here,” she says. “You two idiots.”
I grin and pull Lucy along. She glares at me. “She thinks we’re together now.”
“I know. Isn’t it funny?” I put my arm around her shoulders again, pulling her tight, but she squirms away.
“You can be such a dick sometimes.”
“Yeah, yeah. Try to enjoy this, okay?”
She sighs and I lead her down a path that winds its way across a field. We come to a short rise and climb up the hill, passing over dirt and boulders and thin pine trees, before we finally reach the top.
The ranch spreads out across the land in front of us.
“Wow,” Lucy says softly.
“Yeah,” I answer. “I know.”
We’re quiet, the breathless sort of quiet you feel in museums and anywhere there are beautiful things. I hold her hand without thinking and we stare out at the valley below us, at the long stretches of grassland, and out beyond, some fences penning in vast swaths of good grazing grass where big-bodied animals congregate in huge packs. I squeeze her palm and she squeezes back. It’s so different from what we’ve seen before.
It’s been all cities, and hotels, and more cities, but this, it’s different. I want to say that it feels more real but that isn’t right, it’s all equally real, but this is the sort of view people have enjoyed forever, really. This is the sort of simple beauty I could share with any person, living or dead, at any time on this grand timeline.
I think that’s what’s so perfect about a good view. It’s timeless.
“I want to admit something,” she says softly.
“Is it how badly you want me?”
She laughs a little but doesn’t look in my direction. She’s so beautiful, so perfect, with her little features and her tight body. It hits me hard how stupidly and foolishly I’ve let myself fall for her over this last month. I didn’t even realize it until it was too late, things were creeping closer and closer, I was getting to know her, and now…
Now I feel like I want her. And not just to fuck, to feel, but to be with.
It’s strange how this could happen to me without me even knowing.
The little things give it away: holding her hand, an arm around her shoulders, kissing her and luxuriating in that kiss, needing to go further but knowing it’s okay if it doesn’t. Just being around her is enough for now.
“It’s about this whole thing,” she says distantly. “About the deal.”
“What deal?”
She bites her lip. “The deal I made with your father.”
“What is it?” I ask softly.
“He knew he was dying i
n the end.” She speaks like she’s reciting something from memory, a few lines from a play, almost distantly and detached. “He knew it was coming. He called me into his study one day and made me an offer. He said he’d give me something worth a lot of money… if I go through this with you.”
“I didn’t know he knew,” I say softly. I can’t decide how I feel about that.
“He wanted you to fail.” She looks up at me then with pure sadness in her eyes. “It was never my job to make sure you pass, don’t you see? I was my job just to make sure you got through it all. And once we were done… I’d get paid whether you took over the company or not.”
I stare at her, surprise settling over me. “What? You… were you going to tell me?”
“You just assumed it was the other way around and I just… didn’t correct you. But all the power is in my hands, don’t you see? I have to make this big choice, about whether you’re good for the world or not, and…”
I stare at her, barely able to understand. “That’s why you keep asking,” I say. “You want to know if it’s a mistake to make me head of the company or not. You’re afraid… you’re afraid I’d be bad for the world, that I’d abuse all that power.”
She nods once. “Yeah. I am.”
I step back from her, letting her fingers fall from my hand.
“Why?” I whisper. “After all this, you’re still not sure.”
“It’s not that simple,” she says. “I like you, Cade… I want you… I just, I don’t know if it’s because of the sex or because of something else or… I’m too close now. I’m too tangled up.”
“Jesus, Lucy.”
“I never said I was going to pass you. I never said it.”
I just look at her without speaking. I think she’s on the verge of tears but in this moment, I’m not sure I care.
“After all that,” I say softly, shaking my head.
And then I walk away.
“Cade!” she calls after me, but I just walk faster.
I can’t look at her right now. I need distance, space to think about this.
After everything these last three weeks, she still thinks I might be a bad person.
I wish I could make her see it. I don’t want this company to make myself personally wealthy. I have what I need and I don’t need much more.
