Stolen Desire

by Robin Lovett

  “She did?” I knew she wanted me, but I hadn’t known it was only me.

  “That’s why she asked for you. She didn’t desire any of the rest of us.”

  I bow my head in gratitude. “Hopefully, she’ll want someone else now.” The words scrape in my stomach like cut glass, but it’s what’s best for her. Someone who can maintain her boundaries without question.

  Ilena tilts her head in curiosity. “Why not you?”

  “It’s just better if it’s not me.” I may be the only one capable of giving her orgasms with the mere touch of her skin, thanks to my power, the Exstare, but she’d be safer feeding her desidre with one of her more trustworthy colleagues.

  “Where are you going?” Ilena asks. “If she wants you again, we’ll need to find you.”

  I tap my commlink. “She has my frequency.” I gave it to her two days ago, though she must have forgotten since she sent for me via messenger.

  I give the number to Ilena just in case and leave.

  It’s still dark out, but my person lights the jungle path back to town. My usually bright blue glow is now tinged a pale green, which is disturbing because I have no idea what it means. The color usually denotes some form of excitement, but the pale shade of green on me looks almost sickly, and I don’t feel elated, just confused. Every Fellamana who sees me will know something is wrong and that it’s unusual for me. I’ll give them some excuse about it being because of the humans and the Hades ship pausing in space not far from our orbit.

  I saw the vids. I’m also aware there’s been no contact from Assura. Which means she hasn’t taken over the Hades, which means the Ten Systems General Dargule is still captaining the ship, which means they may be regrouping to attack us again.

  That’s enough of a worry to adequately explain my emotional change. No one needs to know about my overpowering attraction to Jenie being the real reason.

  It’s still dark when I reach town. I go to the circular glass building of my family’s communal dwelling, where I call home, and climb the steps to our central living area. I find my cousin Povape awake, unfortunately, standing in front of his monitors, and his grown daughter, Niva, lounging on the sofa with a book.

  She notices me first. “The Sex God has returned,” she teases and ticks her tongue at me. “You’re in trouble.” But Niva’s gaze holds none of the judgment her father’s will—more like she’s impressed and wishing she’d joined me in my pursuits. “How are those humans anyway? I want to try one.”

  “I wouldn’t recommend it. They’re very complicated.”

  “Oh goodie!” Niva tosses her book on the table. “Tell me eeeeeverything.” Her skin swirls in joyful patterns of blue and purple. She’s shown signs of demonstrating the Exstare and possesses the emotional palette similar to mine. We’ll know for sure in the next year as she comes into her full maturity. It would be nice to not be the only one—a lot less pressure.

  Niva prods me for information. “I’ve heard the humans practice mon—monagram—y—”

  “Monogamy?”

  “Yeah, that!” She kicks her feet excitedly. “It’s like having sex with only one person, right? Sounds kinky.”

  I have to bite my lip to keep from laughing. She’s so used to our polyamorous traditions that having only one lover is something she finds so odd, it’s titillating. I suppose it sounded that way to me too, but after Jenie’s dream, I’ve learned it’s much more than that. “It’s not merely sex. There are emotions involved, and it lasts for a lifetime for many of them.”

  “Oh!” She cringes and sticks out her tongue. “Oh no, never mind. I don’t want to try it.”

  I do laugh now. “It’s fascinating, but something I doubt the Fellamana biology is capable of, considering how our society has evolved.” An inexplicable sadness pricks at my chest to admit it.

  “But what if it’s not biology? What if it’s just cultural tradition?”

  I stare at her in surprise and my mouth flops open, unsure how to respond. “I don’t know.”

  “Well, well.” Povape turns away from his work to see me. “What a pleasant surprise. You’ve decided to remember where you live.”

  “I’ve only been gone three days,” I counter and collapse onto the cushy lounger beside Niva. The furniture and everything here is a traditional neutral beige or white, everything that isn’t see-through, like the walls or the electronics. The Fellamana have nothing to hide from each other.

  Niva taps her fingers and squints at me. “You look weird. What did they do to you?”

  Povape’s examining me, too, trying to figure out what to say. The usual violet hues of his emotions percolate beneath his skin—loyalty. Purple in all shades, from indigo to mauve, is steadfastness, faithfulness, commitment. He’s unwaveringly committed to his children and family duty in addition to his position on the Fellamana council, in ways I’ll never be able to commit to anything or anyone.

  “Staring is rude,” I prod him. “If you have something to say, say it.”

  He shakes his head and forces himself to speak. “You look…well, if I didn’t know better, I’d say go feed your desidre, but that’s all you’ve been doing for the last three days. What the hell is wrong with you?”

  I’ve been doing far more important things than merely “feeding the desidre.” Helping Jenie keep her sanity despite her medical condition is more important than just having sex the way he’s thinking. But it’s private. Jenie’s challenges aren’t for me to share.

  So I tell him what he cares about most: the Ten Systems ship being nearby and no communication from those who were captured.

  “You can’t go with them,” he says.

  I can’t go with Jenie on the two-person speeder. Not anymore. I can’t be trusted alone with her. But Povape doesn’t know that, and I don’t like to be ordered by anyone. “Why not?”

  “Someone else will go on the rescue speeder to get back Assura and Gahnin. They spent days in our care. We can’t abandon them. But you can’t go.”

  “Oh, oh, let me,” Niva volunteers, her gaze gleaming mischief at me. She’s trying to provoke my ire.

  “I’ll go if I want to go,” I tell them. But I shouldn’t. I know I offered, and I know I was looking forward to spending alone time with Jenie. Was, past tense. Now I don’t think that’s what’s best for her at all.

  “Another Fellamana would be better,” Povape says to me and Niva. “Someone who specializes in space travel.” Which means neither me nor his daughter. I’m not a starship captain, but it’s a speeder. Every Fellamana can fly one of those, even me, but that’s not the point. “You’re needed here,” he repeats to me. “The council needs you.” He’s right, but the thought of someone else going with Jenie doesn’t sit well with me.

  “Who are you going to ask?”

  He stands and goes back to his monitors. “I’m messaging the council now. They’ll pick someone.”

  I can think of no one I’d trust with Jenie. But it can’t be me.

  Niva rolls over and reopens her book. “I guess I’ll find some other way to play with the humans.”

  Povape opens his mouth to caution her, but I shake my head at him, knowing if he does, she’ll only go after them faster. He sighs and heeds my warning.

  I leave Povape to his work and go to rest in the back room. I don’t sleep, for fear of landing back in Jenie’s dreams by accident, and instead doze with my eyes closed. But my mind puts things together that I didn’t think of—the reason why someone else going with Jenie makes me so uneasy.

  I have the Exstare.

  Because of my inherited sometimes curse, sometimes gift, I am best suited for a stealth mission like this. If it comes to Jenie and my sneaking on board the Hades to free Assura and Gahnin, spying and thwarting the Ten Systems’ aims, whatever they are, my ability to become invisible, which no other Fellamana has, will be crucial. Among my other tactical, both defensive and offensive, abilities, I have no need for weapons. I have offensive skills with the Exstare as well, tho
ugh I haven’t told Jenie about those.

  I wasn’t sick about this mission before, because I hadn’t thought this through, but I am now. This is going to be dangerous. Jenie is going to be in danger. She is perfectly capable of defending herself. I have total faith in her ability as a battle-ready solider, but she can’t do this alone. And I’m the most capable Fellamana to accompany her.

  I can’t let someone else go with her.

  After I hear Niva and then Povape leave the main living area to go sleep, I sneak out. I run, faster than I’ve seen the humans able to move, to the jungle trail and back to the human camp.

  What I’m planning is beyond merely resisting an order to attend a council meeting. For me, the possessor of the sacred Exstare, to leave the planet without anyone’s permission will freak the council the fuck out. The Fellamana have never been without the presence of the Exstare, they will say.

  Now’s the time to start, I say.

  Their clinging to me as a near deity, as the sole heir to a dynastic lineage, is ludicrous. I don’t actually do anything. I can heal people, sure, and ease their emotions, but our medical technology is advanced enough now that they don’t require me. I’m a mascot running around who can do fancy tricks, but the Fellamana don’t need me to survive. In fact, they’ll function more efficiently without always worrying about where I am because I won’t be here. Even my tactical abilities are unnecessary, as our defensive systems are highly advanced.

  I’m standing outside the medical shelter where Jenie sleeps just as the sun breaks the horizon. I stand and wait, to catch my breath, expecting her to emerge sometime in the next hour, which is her usual daily schedule.

  “Are you looking for Jenie?”

  I turn and find a woman behind me who I’ve spoken to a couple times this week. “Good morning, Tanery.” I give her the greeting I’ve learned is customary for the humans. “Jenie’s still sleeping in here?” I nod toward the medical shelter.

  Tanery shakes her head. “She’s been up for an hour staring at the vids. Come on.”

  I can’t hide my surprise, and I realize in my agitation about the mission to come and my rush to get to her, I forgot to feel for her energetic presence. I reach out with my intuition and find her not inside the medical shelter. “Where is she?”

  “This way.” Tanery turns and leads me quickly.

  “Any word from Assura?” I ask, most anxious about that.

  “No,” she says over her shoulder, but even that one word is grave. They’re all worried now, not just Jenie.

  Tanery points to a shelter identical to all the rest. “In there.”

  In my rush, I burst through the door faster than I should. It startles the three women inside: Jenie, Leinita, and another I don’t recognize.

  But following Jenie’s raised eyebrows in surprise, an excited smile spreads across her mouth. “There you are. How soon can we leave ?”

  Chapter Nine

  Jenie

  I’m glad to see him, and the desire lying dormant in me flares like a raging fire through my veins. It may be the desidre, it may be my mating bond, but I don’t care. I just want him. And more of what he gave me last night. Even if it is dangerous for me to let my guard down with him, I’m feeling reckless.

  He looks different. His usual swirling blue complexion has dulled to a strange maroon, a new color I’ve never seen on him before. It makes me anxious, almost as though he is anxious, and I’m picking up on it. “I’m ready when you are,” he says, but he stares at me with a tightness.

  I need to talk to him without others listening. “Come with me.” I look at Leinita and Tanery. “Let me know of any changes. I leave in one hour.” I leave the shelter. Koviye follows. “Something’s wrong,” I say, walking beside him. “What is it?”

  He stiffens, and it’s so different from his usual good-natured calm. “Nothing you need to worry about.”

  I’ve grown so used to his honesty and forthrightness, his evasion really bothers me. “If I’m getting into a two-person ship and likely sneaking aboard the Hades on a rescue mission with you, I damn well am worried about it, and you need to tell me, now.”

  He hesitates beside me, and his tone is heavy. “It’s complicated, and I’d rather not explain. But I am more than ready for this mission, and I’m the best Fellamana for the job.”

  I scoff. “I don’t care if you’re ‘the best,’ and if you don’t tell me what’s wrong, you’re not going.”

  “You’re not going without my ship,” he snaps under his breath so none of my soldiers we’re passing can hear. “So, yes, you will go with me.”

  We reach my quarters that I share with Leinita and Ilena, though I know neither is inside. We’ll have privacy in here, but I’m not putting myself alone with him while he’s all moody and strange. I was feeling like he might be worthy of some trust after last night. Not now.

  My gut twists, and I wonder if I know the explanation for why he’s acting so strangely, if I’ve just been too blinded by lust to see it. Which pisses me off. Anger flares alongside my anxiety. If it’s what I feared would happen, if he now—after he got an orgasm from me last night—is done with me, after he swore he’d still want me tomorrow, I will hit him. Diplomacy be damned.

  “You’re only here because you have to be, aren’t you?” I try not to spit the words at him and fail. I’m not hiding any of my emotions now. We’re wasting precious time we could use to rescue Assura, and I resent him for that.

  “Yes,” he says heavily.

  “You dick,” I sneer. “I thought the Fellamana were above lying. But you’re as duplicitous as the worst of humans, aren’t you?”

  His mouth gapes in astonishment and then twists in anger. “I have not lied to you about anything. I would never do that.”

  “But you’re done with me. When it comes to chasing a lover, when you’re done you’re done, no matter what you made me believe.”

  “Done with you…?” he whispers, and the colors beneath his skin morph to a bright crimson. “I am many things, Jenie, but I am not done with you.” His tone is guttural and fierce with so much conviction, I’m tempted to believe him.

  “Then what the hell is wrong with you?” I snap. “You’ve got to give me something. I thought last night was enjoyable.” I’m not an insecure person, I don’t do insecurity, but I do get pissed when someone doesn’t tell me the truth.

  He scrubs his face and lets out a word in his language I don’t understand, but it’s clearly an expletive. He’s frustrated with himself, almost…awkwardly.

  I nearly smile. I can’t believe it. Koviye, awkward? I feel a small twinge of pride. I’ve unsettled him. Something I never would’ve thought possible.

  He finally meets my eyes. “I’m overwhelmed by what happened in your dreams.”

  I can’t understand why. I didn’t think a Fellamana who consumes sex daily like it’s simply another meal could be overwhelmed by sex. But there’s really only one question that matters to me. “Do you want to do it again?”

  His complexion brightens like he’s giving off desire as steam. It feeds mine and seeps into my skin, heating me from the outside in. He reaches for me, and I step into his touch, his palm cupping my cheek, his fingers lacing into my hair. “I will do whatever you want again and again until you tell me to stop.”

  I lose myself in his eyes that are an impossibly light green color. I’ve never thought about them, never allowed myself to look in them without turning away. “And what if I don’t want you to stop?” I shouldn’t say it. I should be pushing him away. I have the same fears about him now that I did yesterday. He’s still as dangerous to my well-being and my mating bond—a threat to my very existence. But I am feeling reckless. It’s what I feared: one taste of him last night, and I’m even more tempted to give in than ever.

  He cradles my face in both his hands. “Lulipah.”

  Now I know what that means, my desire, it sends a shiver through me so that I’m shaking in his hands. I cover his hands with mine
. “Kiss me.”

  He lowers his mouth and whispers against my lips the other word from last night. “Your wish is my desire, dominaq.” I’ll ask him what that means later.

  His lips caress mine in a gentle press, but it’s like the strike of a match. Oh gods, how I want him. I pry his lips open with my tongue. I have no restraint. I am only need for this alien who lights in me all the things I’ve spent a lifetime suppressing.

  I don’t know if it’s really the desidre that’s awakened my body’s instinct to form a mating bond. Or if it’s just him. If it’s him and him alone that’s caused my body to reveal its most carnal needs.

  I shove the thought back where it belongs, into a padlocked box in the back of my mind. Forming a mating bond for him is impossible for too many reasons for me to consider or think on them. I have to keep my boundaries. But the swath of his tongue against mine rouses me, the need in the press of his lips matches mine, and how I love sucking his tongue between my teeth—it all tears holes in my will to resist him.

  He breaks the kiss, his breath heightened and fast. “Tell me. What you want.”

  I can’t help my hands wandering to his chest and digging into his uniform. “Was that only a dream thing when you made me come just from your hand on my skin?”

  “When you’re awake, too. All I need is skin-to-skin contact,” he rushes, his words full of anticipation. “I can do it as many times or as often as you want.”

  I start to pull him through the door of my shelter.

  “Wait.” He pulls my hand back. “Your boundaries. I need to know explicitly.”

  I close my eyes, straining for control of my senses. I can’t believe I nearly forgot. I point at his uniform. “You stay dressed.”

  I expect some protest, but he gives none. “Yes. Done.”

  “And you do not touch me below the waist.”

  There’s a swell of need in his eyes and a flash of sadness, but he nods. “As you wish.”

  I wonder when it was I began to trust him with these assertions—but I do now. Maybe it’s the fact that he has come through on every one of his promises. Maybe it’s that he was so amazing last night. Maybe it’s because this is the third time he’s been the one to stop us before the passion took me to places I didn’t want to go. Whatever the reason, I have no hesitation now.