by Robin Lovett
Someone I don’t recognize, a woman in a medical officer’s uniform, leans into the room’s doorway. “Doctor, um, the package has arrived. Just thought I’d let you know.” She gives Ilena a pointed look, and it’s obvious “package” is code for something.
“Package?” I choke despite my body shuddering in pain. “What—package?”
Ilena clasps my hand lying beside my hip. “They found the herb you told me about. The one the Ulreya used to break the bond. Apparently, it grows on Fellamana.”
I take a staggering breath and give a helpless sigh of relief. “Thank—gods. I—thank you.” I close my eyes and concentrate on breathing in and out. The pain will be over soon. They have the herb. It’ll be over soon.
Ilena pats my hand again. “I’ll go get it.”
I hear her footsteps leave out the door. I hear my breath going in and out of my nostrils. I flash my eyes open. I won’t fall back asleep. I can’t fall back asleep. If I do, I’ll hear his—
“I’d like to see her. Please.”
I jerk in the bed, yanking on my restraints. I know that voice. He’s here. I know he’s here. “Koviye!” My instincts, my body, my very soul call out—if he’s near, I have to be with him. “Koviye!” I shout.
I don’t care what seeing him might do to me. Or that I’ll have to say goodbye to him again. That I’ll be tempted to beg him to make love to me again.
I don’t care about any of that. I just want him. “Koviye!”
He appears in the doorway, and I’m both relieved and confused. He looks strange. His skin is different from every other time I’ve seen him. He’s changed to sickly white, almost translucent and colorless. But his face is still him, and the relief in my chest at the sight of him, the calming of my heart and the easing of my mind just from looking at him, causes the pain to lessen though I still ache to have him.
“May I come in?” he asks gently, so gently, too gently. He’s holding himself back for me, and I don’t want him to.
“Yes, now, please,” I beg and hold my hand out to him as best I can while tied up.
He rushes to my bedside, his expression a desperation that matches mine. Which can’t be true. I must be seeing things, but I don’t mind pretending. Giving myself a few minutes to pretend he might stay with me is a necessary relief from the panic that’s been ruling me since he left—even if it is a lie.
“Jenie.” He grasps my hand and tries to lift it to his mouth but can’t because it’s attached to the bed. “What is this? Why are you tied up?” His tone is thick with outrage, and he’s already pulling loose the ties on the restraints.
“It’s so she doesn’t hurt herself,” Ilena says behind him. “Please don’t—”
“It’s okay, Ilena,” I say. “I feel—better.”
Her brows lift in skepticism.
“It’s because he’s here. It calms me.”
Ilena’s face clenches in anger. “That’s it, Koviye. You’re leaving.” She grabs his arm.
“Don’t you dare!” I snarl at her and let loose an animal growl that is as unlike me as I’ve ever heard. But I don’t care. If she takes him from me, I’m in danger of ripping her throat out.
She and Koviye both jerk back.
Ilena puts up her hands in surrender. “Okay, okay.”
“You need to leave!” I try but fail to calm myself. “I want to be alone with him.”
Ilena frowns. “Jenie, I don’t think—”
I bare my teeth and growl at her, again.
Koviye turns to Ilena and says easily, “I promise not to hurt her.”
“That’s what you said before,” Ilena snaps. “And the time before that. And now look at her!”
Koviye’s shoulders sink, and he covers his face with his hands.
“Ilena,” I shout. “I said, leave!”
Her chest tightens, and her face contorts with concern. “He’s just going to hurt you again. Please,” she begs, bitterly. “Tell him to go. For your own safety.”
I breathe, reminding myself she is my friend, just trying to help. She isn’t my enemy. “He stays, Ilena. This is my choice.”
She nods stiffly. “Fine. But I’ll be within hearing distance in case—”
“Go, Ilena,” I press.
With a heavy sigh of regret, she leaves.
Koviye continues pulling at the restraints on my arms until I’m freed, and he can lift both my hands to his lips to kiss them. “Are you—you must be—” He clears his throat. “Is the pain terribly bad?”
“It stops when you’re here. Only the—” I rub my thighs together; it’s only the demanding arousal that remains, the protest of my body to have his cock buried inside me.
He gulps a hard swallow and shifts uncomfortably in his seat. “You know I would, if you want to, if you think it would help.” But he glances toward the door. “Though I’m guessing—”
“Why are you here?” My logic is starting to return. My right mind, my reason, and self-preservation. He must be here for a purpose. “Are you the one who—”
“I brought the herb Ilena said you needed. I gave it to them. They’re preparing it to give to you intravenously. Then it will work as quickly as possible.” He chatters the words too quickly, his eyes examining my face for my reaction while he speaks.
My heart catches in my throat. He came to stop my bond. He came to sever my ties to him permanently. He…doesn’t want me. He came to make sure I stop wanting him.
But if that’s true then… “Why did you come? You could’ve sent anyone.”
His expression, one of avid care and concern, changes to a blank slate of no emotion. “I, um, just thought that—” He scratches a hand through his hair. “I wanted to see you. It was purely selfish.”
“Why did you want to see me?”
His skin starts to flush, to change color; a wave of violet, almost indigo sweeps over his body from his shoulders down his chest, out to his arms, and finally up over his face. It’s a soft color, a sensitive color, one that makes me feel more confident in myself and in him. It eases my fear of him leaving me. It makes me think of strong love bonds, of the kind of emotions that bind people together for their whole lives. It makes me think of attachment and loyalty.
He stares at my hand clasped in his, his thumb caressing my palm in light, tender circles.
“Koviye, what are you feeling?” I hold my breath, hoping so many things that he could say. Wondering, however improbable, if he’s feeling for me what we both thought was impossible.
Maybe it’s the bond filling me with this deluded optimism.
“Jenie,” he whispers and leans over me like he means to kiss me.
Wanting his lips more than I have ever wanted anything, I lift my chin, and he lowers his mouth to mine.
He’s given me tender, gentle, caressing kisses before, but this is different. This is a savoring of me, like I’m precious, like I mean something worthwhile. But…that’s not all of it either. It’s like he’s trying to communicate something to me, something he doesn’t know how to say, something inexpressible and imperative and…
He pulls back and hovers over my lips, his eyes watching me, memorizing my face with his gaze.
“Koviye…” I lift my hand to cup the nape of his neck. “Are you in love with me?”
His bright green eyes are unfathomable and depthless. He could keep whole worlds of secrets locked in there and the world would never know. But he backs away, holding my hand again from his chair. “What I feel doesn’t matter.”
I force myself to sit up. “It matters to me.”
He stiffens his mouth and tightens his grip on my hands. “What matters is that you’re free. Free to love whom you choose and not a person who your body has forced you into bonding with. Free to travel with the rebellion and pursue your life’s goals without being tied back by a mating bond to anyone.”
I don’t understand what he means exactly. My heart is thundering so fast, I hear it inside my skull. “But…”
He sta
res at me pointedly. “You deserve freedom. I can’t give you what you want.” He stands like it’s time for him to go.
“Wait. You’re not leaving, are you?” I can’t lose him. Not again. I don’t care if he’s…
“You escaped the Ten Systems because you didn’t want to be a slave to anyone. You don’t need to be a slave to a bond to me either.”
Ilena appears in the doorway carrying a syringe. “It’s ready.”
I stare at the needle in her hand. I can already feel the pain starting in my body again, just watching Koviye back toward the door. I don’t want to be in pain anymore.
I glance at his face, twisted into a mix of emotions I can’t decipher. I want to tell him to stop, to come back, but he’s right. I can’t. I don’t want to be bonded to him or anyone. I want to be free to be myself, not a slave to a mate.
He nods, like he sees the decision on my face. “Forget me. It’s what’s best for you.” I inhale to thank him, to let him know I appreciate everything, but he puts out his hand like he wants to touch me again. He doesn’t though.
He backs out the door and disappears.
Forget me.
I should want that. The pain that’s seizing my body tells me I need to do that. That letting go of him is my best option for everything.
Ilena comes to me with a smile on her face. “I’ll just insert this directly into your vein. It should work within minutes, then the pain will be over.” She looks so relieved, the way I should feel.
Forget me.
She lifts the syringe, holds out my arm tenderly in her hand and sticks me with the needle. I watch her press the plunger, putting the substance that will make all this pain end into my bloodstream.
Forget me.
It would be like giving up on the best, richest part of me. What he makes me feel, the love I have for this alien who cares for me and seems like he might feel love for me, too. But that’s ridiculous. That a Fellamana might love with the potential to last a lifetime.
What an amazing thing that would be.
What a treasured gift that should be. Love. Shared love. Nothing should ever stop that. No force in this world.
But it’s done.
She slides the needle free of my skin. A trickle of blood dots my arm.
I expect to feel something, a difference, a change. And I do. The physical pain slides away like water down a drain, and my whole body relaxes into the bed. But what I don’t expect: the warmth in my chest—the fullness in my heart—is the same.
“It didn’t work,” I say to Ilena. “I need another shot.”
She furrows her brows and checks my pulse. “You seem less tense, and your breathing has slowed. How do you feel?”
“The pain is gone but—” I rub my chest where my heart feels so warm, it might burn right out of my chest. “I’m still in love with him. It didn’t work.”
Ilena pats my shoulder and softens her expression. “The change is chemical only. The herb will alter your hormones and end your mating bond.”
“Then what is this?” I tap my chest.
“Jenie, no herb can stop you from loving him.”
The air stops in my throat. Love. That’s what this feeling is. It’s not the bond, or some mating period biological thing. It’s my emotions. My love for him.
The bond and love are not the same. “You mean, I can still love him even without the bond?”
She smiles. “Of course.”
“Koviye!” I jump from the bed, twisting my legs in the covers and stumbling out the door. “Stop! Don’t go!”
I race down the corridor, but I don’t see him. I keep going, calling his name, turning corners, pushing through doorways. I don’t know this ship. I have no idea where I’m going. But he has to be here. He can’t have gone far.
I scream his name over and over.
A door ten feet away bursts open. “Jenie?” he calls out.
I race to him and grab him, hugging him so tight I wish I could swallow him inside me. “Don’t go.”
He squeezes his arms around me. “Jenie, you have to go back. You’re only here because of a bond.” He maneuvers to take me back to the room.
“But I love you!”
“Shh.” He holds me to him, cuddles me close, and lifts me in his arms. “It’s the bond. It’s not real. You must need another, stronger dose of the herb.”
“No, Koviye, stop!” I jump out of his grasp. “It worked. The bond is gone. The pain is gone.”
He frowns, his complexion whirling in colors I’ve never seen on him. Many-hued shades of deep purple spiral down his shoulders, but his chest pulses a vibrant crimson from the center, as though his heart is visible on the inside. “The bond is gone?” he breathes.
“Yes. This is me.”
He examines my face, his eyes roaming me, but he holds his hands stiff at his sides, not touching me. “Do you feel different?”
I rest my hands on his chest. “Some different. Some the same.”
“What’s different?”
“I don’t hurt anymore. But I…” I’m almost afraid to say the next part, shy somehow.
He grazes his knuckles over my cheek, almost reverently. “But you…?”
“Here.” I put his hands over my heart where I can feel it beating for him. “It’s the same. In here, I love you still. No herb can stop me.”
His eyes brim with an intense emotion but he tightens his mouth. “But you don’t want to love me. Surely another dose will stop that, too.”
I cover his lips with my fingers. “No. I do want to love you.” He tries to shake my hands away and speak, but I kiss him quiet. “What does purple mean on you?” I stroke my hands over his see-through Fellamana suit where his swirling emotions of deep violet are visible. “Tell me what you’re feeling.”
He looks down at his hands and arms and jerks in surprise, as though he hadn’t realized what color he was. “I don’t… That’s not… I’m not supposed to be able to feel that.”
“What?”
“It’s…” He wiggles his fingers as though making sure they’re actually his. “This can’t be right.”
“What does it mean?”
He whispers, “Loyalty…”
“Loyalty?”
“Faithfulness.” He stares at me with a new fascination as though I am someone unfathomable. “What have you done to me?” Except it’s not a cool accusation—his tone is full of awe and wonder.
I can’t help but start to smile. “Just love you. That’s all.”
He gaze moves from me to his purple hands, then back. “This shouldn’t be possible.”
“What shouldn’t be possible?”
“Love. Me. For you. I…”
My heart stutters against my ribs. I can see it now. I know what these colors mean. I hope I understand what he means. I hope he understands what it means. “What are you saying?”
He looks down at his whole self and notices the throbbing red circle at the center of his chest. He gasps and pulls open his suit, as though not believing it’s there. “Jenie!”
I put my hand to his chest, and the heat radiating from him there is like a nuclear core. It would scorch me if I didn’t like it so much. “Koviye…”
There’s a staunch of blatant fear in his eyes, and his breath is hard and fast.
I caress his cheek. “Tell me what it means. Let me hear you say it.” I whisper in his ear, “Please, my lulipah.”
He inhales so hard, I fear he’ll explode, but then he blurts it like a rush of bombs going off inside his head. “Gods, I love you, Jenie.” He kisses my lips, my cheeks, my eyes. “I love you like I never thought I could ever feel, and it’s so enormous I—I—I—”
“How is it possible?” I ask, still disbelieving this is true. “I thought you weren’t supposed to be able to love.”
He cups my face. “It’s you, Jenie. I don’t know how or why, but I think you have some Exstare of your own. Maybe it’s your Ulreya side or—”
“Maybe it’s just us
,” I offer. “Maybe fate is with us. Maybe we bring out the best in each other, and there’s no fighting it.”
“Gods, it feels that way.” He crushes his lips down on mine, and it’s an explosion. His emotions, his Exstare, pouring into me on a tidal force that storms through me and takes me down.
I gasp with the pleasure of it, and he pulls back.
“Sorry, sorry,” he stutters, running his hands over me. “I have to let you go. And it is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.”
I couldn’t stop touching him if he were on fire. “That’s what I’m telling you. You don’t have to let me go. The bond is gone.”
He leans back to stare at me. “I still don’t understand how this is true.”
“Believe it.”
“But…” He stutters and blinks. “You shouldn’t want to even touch me or see me. You should hate me for what I’ve put you through.”
I press my lips to his with a savoring tenderness. “I love you. No bond made that happen. No mating urge can create or take away the feelings in my heart.”
His breathing accelerates and his hands grip me tighter. “This is true? Your bond is gone and yet…you love me?”
“I do.”
He kisses me again with shaking hands and a desperate mouth with none of his seduction or finesse, just pure unbridled passion and love. “I don’t know what to do with all these feelings, Jenie.” He gasps so hard against my mouth, I fear he’ll suffocate. “How do humans stand this?”
I dig my fingers into his hair. “We make love.”
He holds his breath and stares at me. Not saying anything, just searching my face and waiting, his gaze desperate with all the things, the love I’ve wanted from him from the beginning. I don’t know if this love he feels for me is the forever kind of love, if this faithfulness he’s experiencing is something that’s lifelong, but I don’t care now. I just want to love him and feel him love me.
I kick open the door to the exam room behind me, yank him inside, and sit him on the bed.
He looks up at me with this dizzying smile on his face. “Is this real?”
“As real as all the shining stars in the universe.”
He cradles my face, delicately. “Tell me what you want, dominaq.”
