by Marina Epley
“You look so different.” My mother looks me over closely. “Your skin is so dark now… What are these bruises on your face and neck? What happened to you?”
I close my eyes, feeling Gabriel’s hands wrap around my neck.
“I’m so sorry,” I mutter again. “I had to escape. I had no choice…”
As I’m telling her about the chimeras, Gabriel and my escape, she helps me out of my clothes. She finds a washcloth, draws some water and begins wiping the dirt away. She pours water over my head, scrubbing soap into my scalp. She dries me with an old towel and gives me fresh underwear and a dress. I change, sobbing and explaining how Master Gabriel killed Amy. I watch my mother’s expression, surprised that she doesn’t appear a bit frightened. Her lips pressed tightly together, she boils some corn, finds a few stale crackers and places the food on the table in front of me. At first I believe I can’t swallow a bite but finish the entire meal. I feel a twinge of guilt because my mother now receives only enough food for herself. She’ll have to do without if I eat too much.
A heavy silence falls between us after I’m done telling my story. My mother sits on the floor, her elbows propped up on the table, looking at me thoughtfully.
“I’m so sorry,” I repeat. “I’ve failed you so badly. You were right. I should have never left home.”
If I had only stayed in my village, if I only hadn’t taken part in the stupid Exchange… Well, having regrets now won’t do anyone any good.
“You had to leave,” my mother states with a sad smile. “This place… this nasty little village isn’t good enough for you. You’re too willful and broad-minded. You still know how to dream. So I always knew that it was just the matter of time before you finally escaped. I always knew that and was afraid. You remind me of myself so much… when I was much younger.”
I stare back at her, not believing my ears. Her face seems to glow in the dim light. Her back is perfectly straight and she holds her head raised proudly. Who is this woman? I ask myself. I’ve never seen my mother looking this way before. I suppose I’ve never really known her.
“Mom,” I say. “What happened to you when you were young?”
“It doesn’t matter now,” she sighs, gazing away.
“Please tell me,” I beg. “You escaped once too, didn’t you?”
My mother doesn’t answer.
“Please,” I repeat. “I must know.”
A feeling of desperation grows in my chest. I realize I’ve always wanted to know what really happened to my mother. I always felt she had been a much different person long ago. I must learn the truth now because this is possibly the last time I’ll see her. In a few hours I’ll be leaving my village forever.
“Who is my father?” I ask. “Do you know where he is?”
My mother shakes her gray head. “No. I don’t know where he is. Our master back then didn’t allow me to bury him. I guess the guards just tossed him in the Field somewhere.”
She pauses, her gaze distant yet sharp. Underneath the table, I claw at my palm, rubbing the skin off.
“Please tell me everything,” I whisper.
“Oh all right,” my mother sighs. “I was afraid to tell you because it might give you ideas of escaping… But there’s no point in hiding the truth now, is there?” She pauses, giving me a long look. “I was just like you, Kora. I liked to dream and believed in love and a better life. When I was about your age, I met a factory boy and fell in love. He was very kind and handsome. He didn’t care that I was just a picker. Of course we both knew we shouldn’t be together. His family would never approve of a picker for his wife. But we were very young, and so deeply in love. We saw each other secretly.” My mother stops talking for a moment, closing her eyes, completely immersed in her happy memories. I watch mesmerized. When she reopens her eyes, her face darkens. “I was very scared when I first learned I was pregnant. We couldn’t get married being from different clans. And the master would have punished us both, because he didn’t allow servants to have such relationships without his permission. So I persuaded your father to escape with me. I wanted to travel far away from this place and find Jingfay.”
“Jingfay?” I utter. “Is she real?”
My mother shrugs. “I don’t know. We never found her of course.”
Jingfay, I repeat in my mind. Just like me, my mother was fantasizing about joining Jingfay’s group. My mother was a runaway servant and rebel.
“Guards captured us on the seventh day after our escape,” my mother continues in a flat voice. “They shot your father right in front of my eyes. After they brought me back to the Recycling Village, the master ordered me whipped. He made all the villagers watch as the guards carried out his order. And then,” she takes a breath, “he ordered me buried alive.”
“Buried alive?” I ask, feeling chilled.
My mother nods. “They left me buried in a grave for more than a day. I was desperate. I’d just witnessed the father of my unborn child being shot in the head. My back had no skin after the whipping. And I was certain that I was going to die too. I scratched and pounded at the coffin from the inside as long as I could. And then I was just lying there in exhaustion waiting for my air to run out. Twenty hours later, the guards dug me out. I’d lost my fingernails.”
My mother becomes silent, looking off into space. I can’t take my eyes from her. Only now, I fully understand who my mother really is. I only now realize why she has always been so broken and quiet. How can anyone possibly survive what she had to suffer through? How do you ever recover after such a horrific experience? Would I be able to remain sane after being buried alive? Would I even want to continue living after witnessing the father of my child being killed?
“I’m very sorry,” is all I can think to say.
“At least I still have you.” She touches my face gently. “Maybe you’ll be able to finish what I couldn’t.”
“Please, come with me,” I plead. “Let’s go to Bastion together. Let’s try to find Jingfay.”
“I can’t do it, Kora.” Her back becomes hunched again. She lowers her head, turning back into an old, broken woman. “I no longer have the strength left in me. I can’t be on the run anymore. It’s just… too late for me.”
“But you’re still young!” I exclaim, mentally calculating how old my mother really is. Thirty two? Thirty three?
“Go lie down now,” she says. “You must get some rest before leaving.”
I lie beside her on the floor, covering up with an old blanket. I’m totally worn out but my mind remains restless. I continue thinking about my mother screaming and scratching in the darkness of the coffin six feet under the ground. I attempt to envision my father, a young factory boy who chose to follow his heart and was shot in the head for his effort. I feel ashamed that I ever thought of my mother as being weak and spineless.
I finally will myself to close my eyes and fall asleep. But even being in a dream world there’s no peace for me. I see a chimera biting into Topaz’s head, sharp teeth crushing her skull. I dream of Gabriel pointing his gun at Amy, his icy blue gaze piercing me.
I awaken before dawn, whispering Amy’s name. My jaws ache from grinding my teeth for several hours in my sleep. I feel disoriented and scared. My mother is still asleep and our little house is dark. Shivering in fear, I sit up, wrapping myself with my arms. I still feel as if I’m dreaming. Maybe I just have to open my eyes and I’ll find myself back at the racer’s living quarters. And Amy along with Topaz will be unharmed and still alive.
I rise to my feet and walk unsteadily toward the table. I take a sip of warm water from a cup, wiping the sweat from my forehead. I can still hear the gunshot and see Amy fall. I can still feel Gabriel’s strong fingers wrapping around my neck. I want to scream.
Easy, easy, I tell myself, patting my cheeks. You’ll be all right. You can survive this.
I hear voices coming from the outside, but my mind is too foggy to process the information. The door suddenly bursts open and two guards enter t
he shack, carrying rifles and shining flashlights. I take several steps back, staring at them in disbelief. My mother scrambles to her feet, screaming, and stands between me and the guards. One guard shoves her to the floor. A light shines into my face, blinding me for a moment. I squint, still being paralyzed from shock.
“That’s her!” I hear a voice say.
I grab my knife from the table. Two strong arms grip my shoulders and I stab into the darkness. I hear a painful groan and his grip weakens. I slip free and break toward the door. The other guard grabs me from behind, twisting my arms behind my back. I’m still clutching the knife, but can’t use it. I can’t understand why the guards don’t simply shoot me. Perhaps Samuel ordered me captured alive only to later roast me slowly on a fire. I scream, panicking as I realize I can’t break free this time.
“Stop resisting, you stinking rat!”
The guard smacks my head, still tightly gripping my knife arm behind my back.
Screaming, my mother charges into him. She claws at his eyes and the guard releases his hold, cursing.
“Run!” my mother yells.
I stagger several feet outside the door, still watching as the guard slams the butt of his rifle against my mother’s face. She falls, and he trains the rifle my direction. Time seems to stand still, then the noise of gunfire snaps me out of my stupor. I scream in horror, turning, and take off. I run as fast as I can, heading toward the edge of the village and into the Field. I hear heavy footsteps behind as more guards come after me. I increase my pace even more, leaving my pursuers behind. When I’m far enough into the Field where I no longer hear footsteps, I fall on my hands and knees, and begin sobbing.
I can’t let them kill my mother, I think in desperation. I must rescue her somehow.
CHAPTER 17
I wander between the massive piles of garbage, carrying an empty glass jar I found on the ground. It’s already light outside and getting hot. I scan my surroundings and sniff expectantly at the air but can’t detect what I’m looking for.
There are numerous torn bags of rubbish strewn about the Field. There are old tires, broken pieces of furniture, empty cans, books and almost anything you can think of. The Field stretches for miles in every direction, and an outsider may think that you can find nothing useful in this endless sea of waste. But being a former picker, I know one can discover real treasures here. Sometimes you can find jewelry, still usable clothing or shoes. There are tons of metal, paper and plastic waiting to be recycled. I’m looking for one thing in particular though, something that may help me rescue my mother.
An hour after escaping the guards, I was brave enough to approach the village. I stalked the guards who were looking for me, concealing myself behind houses and meager brush. I saw Samuel speaking with Dimitri. I watched as guards led Tanya and her relatives into a small shack. I believe they are holding my mother in the same place. Samuel left behind two guards to secure the shack. I have no choice but get past them if I hope to free my mother and Tanya along with her family. So what can I do against two guards armed with automatic rifles? Well, I suppose I might do quite a lot actually.
I finally pick up the sharp stench of chemicals in the hot air. I follow the nauseating smell, which makes me gag. My eyes begin to burn and I have a strange taste in my mouth. I approach several rusty kegs and touch one, examining the lid. It’s closed tightly. I place the glass jar beside my feet and attempt to pry it open, but the lid doesn’t move. So I stick the blade of my knife underneath and push as hard as I can. The lid pops open, producing a loud metallic clank. I gasp, turning my face away. The reeking odor is almost unbearable. I grasp the keg with both hands and carefully bend it over the jar. My arms shake from the effort. I watch carefully as the clear liquid pours from the container into the jar. Acid.
When the jar is almost full, I tilt the keg back into its position. I wipe off the jar with a piece of cloth I’d picked up earlier, making sure no acid gets on my hands. Then I take the jar and head back toward my village. When I’m about a mile away, I stop and rest. I have to wait until dark. I notice a small piece of cardboard lying a few feet away. I place it on top of the jar, feeling nervous. I fully realize that what I intend to do is very violent. But I can’t worry about my conscious at the moment. I have to save my mother. I lean back against a garbage bag, trying to relax.
Fatigue soon overwhelms me. I’ve slept only three or four hours during the last two nights. I close my eyes, drifting off. I can still smell the stench of rotten food and chemicals, but an image of a white sand beach crosses my mind. Amethyst sits in front of me, smiling in the bright sunshine and watching the ocean waves. She turns to me and I see deep bloody cuts across her face. Her lips are still stretched into a wide grin, but her eyes are now empty and dead.
I awaken, anxious and scared, my right hand tightly clutching the knife. But nobody is near. I’m completely alone here, only accompanied by the huge piles of trash surrounding me on each side. I don’t risk sleeping again.
Several hours later the sky finally darkens. Carrying the jar with acid in one hand and the knife in another, I proceed toward the village. I soon see the small familiar shacks and can make out voices up ahead of me. I conceal myself in the brush as guards walk past.
Shielding myself behind the houses and occasional piles of rubbish, I walk toward the shack where they hold my mother. I swallow hard, trying to fight my increasing anxiety. I know Samuel will kill them all should I fail.
Luckily, the street is empty. I guess Samuel ordered all the servants to remain inside their houses tonight. I wonder where he and his guards are staying. Maybe they’re spending the night inside Dimitri’s mansion.
I stop short, still several yards away from the holding shack. I watch the guards, feeling adrenaline shooting through my veins. These guards must have come from Central Settlement. They’re wearing different uniforms. I tightly wrap my fingers around the knife’s handle. My heart pounds so heavily inside my chest that I worry the guards may actually hear it.
I suddenly realize I can’t do it. I can’t kill these guards. It’s impossible for me. But what I can or can’t do doesn’t matter at the moment. All that really matters now is what I must do.
I glance along the street. Nobody is around. It’s now or never.
I take a few quiet steps toward the guards. They still don’t notice me coming out of the shadows. They appear sleepy, eyes half-closed.
“Hey,” I say softly.
They both turn my direction. The same instant I splash the acid into their faces. The guards let out anguished cries, rubbing at their eyes. They can’t use their rifles, disoriented and startled by the intense pain. The skin begins to melt off their faces. I stand unmoving for a moment longer, watching in shock, and then stab the nearest guard in the throat. He slumps down as I turn to the second guard. He crouches on the ground, still rubbing furiously at his eyes as he calls for help. Terror paralyzes me for a split second. I realize somebody may hear him and then more guards will come.
I slide the blade repeatedly into his back and side. I don’t fully comprehend what I’m doing. I just attack him out of desperation, doing what I think I must. The guard sprawls over onto the ground. My hand itches and burns. Shaking, I clinch my teeth in pain. Some of the acid must have spilled onto my skin as I was tossing it. But no time to worry about it now, I try the door of the shack. It’s locked. I look at the guards but realize I can’t search them for the keys. They’re covered in the acid and I might get burned even more.
So I take several steps backward and sprint toward the door. I hit it with my shoulder, putting all my weight into the motion. The door crashes open and I fall into the darkness, landing on my hands and knees.
“Kora!” Tanya wraps her arms around my neck, kneeling beside me. “I knew you’d come to rescue us!”
She laughs excitedly, but I’m not paying the little girl any mind. My mother sits in the corner of the shack, her face bruised and swollen.
“Momma, are you
all right?” I sob, scrambling back to my feet. She stares at me in terror. This is not the same woman I spoke with last night. This is the old broken version of my mother who has no fight left in her.
“What are you doing here?” she whispers. “You must leave! Samuel will kill you if you’re found.”
I grab her arm, pulling her up. She shakes her head, shivering and pleading for me to leave.
“Please, come with me!” I beg, feeling my eyes begin to sting.
“You must leave now!” my mother demands, pushing me away.
I realize she won’t be escaping with me. I’ve killed the guards and the door is wide open, but my mother is too scared to walk through it. My legs give and I drop to my knees in front of her.
“I can’t survive without you,” I say.
“Of course you can,” my mother smiles. “You’re much stronger and braver than I ever was. You must try to do what I couldn’t. Leave now, go and forget me.”
“How can I?” I breathe out. My voice cracks and I can’t speak.
My mother sighs. “It’s too late for me, Kora. I’m too tired and broken. I don’t have the will to fight and be on the run.”
I have a flashback of Amethyst crying inside the cage and pleading for me to leave her behind. I feel like screaming.
I reach for my mother but she again pushes me away.
While I’m trying to persuade my mother to escape, Tanya struggles with her relatives as well. Her mother, a young scared-looking woman, protectively hugs her other daughters who are hardly older than Tanya. Her father stands beside them, a lost expression on his hollow face. They all remain silent, watching Tanya and me as if we’re dangerous animals. Tanya begs them to leave but nobody listens. She grabs her sister’s arm, pulling her toward the open door. The little girl slaps her hand away and hugs her mother.
“I’m not escaping,” Tanya’s sister cries. “I’m a good servant.”
