by Adam Lynch
FREE
TO BE
ADAM LYNCH
Contents
Forever Alone
Exposed
Why I hate Myself
Hope?
Unexpected Expedition
The Scariest Day Of My Life
Consequence
Confession
Capitalizing Chaos
Surprise
Freedom
It’s Not Over
The Courage to Be
Free to Be
Forever Alone
I
place my hand on my chest. I feel the rapid thuds of my heartbeat: thud, thud, thud. My thoughts run just as fast. Too many at once. I can’t narrow down a single one. It’s like a hundred people are yelling at me at the same time and I can’t hear what any of them are saying—no one except the ones screaming, fight of flight, fight or flight, fight or flight. This causes my hands to tremble, my mind and body thinking they’re in life-ending danger. I notice how sweaty my hands are and I look at them—gosh, it’s like they’ve been dipped in a body of water. It’s the same with my face. I feel like I’ve sprinted a mile... and I’m certain I look like it, too. My eyes blink rapidly because if I stare at anything too long my head and shoulders shudder—it’s my only way of fighting it. And yes, I have to fight it because I know there’s no logical reason for me to feel this terrified. I know this… but I can’t help it. I can’t stop it. And it’s so unbelievably embarrassing. I do everything I can to hide it. I tighten and tense up my entire body, from my face, down to my feet. I keep my limbs close to my body so they’re not loose and trembling—that’s the last thing I’d need her to see. I do everything I can to mask my terror, because if she was to see me like this… petrified… of nothing… I would die of humiliation. I can’t blow this. I have to do it right. I have to do it perfectly.
My breaths escalate when I look at her. I keep feeling a strong urge to gulp continually. I hate doing it, though, because it makes me feel like I’m weak.
Just from thinking about doing what I’m going to do, I not only lose my appetite, I feel myself becoming nauseous. This is crazy. It’s like I’m about to speak in front of thousands of people, forget my train of thought, go blank on the stage without being able to think of what to say and do next, and then have everyone watch as I experience this most humiliating mistake of my life. But I’m not about to do anything of the sort… all I’m getting ready to do is... walk up and talk to… her.
Actually, you know what? Maybe I shouldn’t do this… I don’t think I’m ready. I’m too nervous… again. if I approach her feeling like this, I’ll blow it. I’ll make a fool of myself. I’ll look like a creep, displaying the most awkward look on my face and walking up to her like a zombie. I’ll end up creeping her out... she’s probably already creeped out by me—the way I look at her and act around her all the time. I’ve never been able to talk to her. Why do I think I’ll be able to now without messing up and humiliating myself?
Maybe I shouldn’t do this… maybe I’m not ready...
No. I have to be ready. This is a perfect opportunity. I’ve passed up so many in the past and I’m sick of it. This is not who I am and this is not who I’m going to be. I’ve been in love with her almost my whole life and I’ve never made a real connection with her. I’ve never even talked to her. It’s sad and pathetic. I hate myself for that. I hate how scared I am at doing something so simple. I shouldn’t feel scared like this. Why am I freaking out? Everybody in my village walks up to girls no problem, even if it’s to her. I’m the only one who can’t do it. It’s pathetic. It’s humiliating.
That’s why I have to do this. I can’t cancel this time. I have to make myself do it no matter how scared I feel right now. Why do I feel so scared anyway? This is nothing to be scared about. Seriously, Taiyo, what is wrong with you? You’re so pathetic.
I’m embarrassed of myself for feeling like this. Scared or not, I have to force myself to walk up to her and talk to her. If I fail, I fail...
But I won’t fail. I can’t. But what if I do? If I fail then I guess it’s not meant to be and I’ll have to accept that.
I have to at least try, right? I have to try so I can say I did. It’s better than not doing anything and not knowing, right?
So fail or not, I’m doing this. I’m not backing out this time. I’m not. Today’s the day. It’s happening. Right... now...
I look around one last time before making my move. Ten of us stand guard over the west cliff today. The west cliff overlooks the Fujian mountain range, forests, and valley where our village used to be before it was raided by the Darkane, our slave-masters. My post is the farthest right of the cliff. Several feet from me is her… Kagami. A distance from Kagami is Valida—one of the four Darkane officers. A distance from her is a new guy who was brought in the fort yesterday—someone not from our village in the valley. After him are six others of us, Leferians from Fujian Valley.
None of us are allowed to wander from our posts and converse with one another, but I rarely get this good of an opportunity. I mean she’s right there… just a few feet away from me. And besides Valida, there’s no one else near us… we’re practically alone. If I fail this miserably, no one will see it except Valida (if she even pays attention), and possibly the new guy positioned beyond her… who I don’t know anyway. The other six Leferians will be too far to see anything.
Another reason why this is the perfect time for me to do this is that Valida is the only officer here supervising. It’s just her—and she’s almost always indifferent about her duties. She doesn’t enforce things the way the other officers, Talden, Judan, and Fraisha do... she’s not abusive... she’s not cruel. And most of the time, she’s not… scary—well, unless you anger her. But I don’t think this will anger her. Why would it? All I’m going to do is say hello... to Kagami… that’s it… just that. Please, God. Give me the ability to do this… I want to do it so bad. I’ve wanted to do it my whole life.
And now… right now… I’m going to do it. No more excuses.
I take a deep breath. Okay, Taiyo… Valida’s sitting down, playing with her hair—not paying attention. Kagami is right here, right next to you—my heart accelerates at the thought. I can do this. I have to. I sneak a glance in her direction, taking one step towards her, and then stop. I gulp. I sneak another glance at her, making sure it’s safe to look at her without her noticing and getting creeped out. Okay… she’s not paying attention. She’s eyeing the forests, mountains, and valley—like I’m supposed to be doing. But as beautiful as those things are, they don’t even remotely compare to her. I mean… wow. Every time I gaze directly at her like this… I find myself... not myself... I mean she’s so… she’s just so... beautiful. I mean look at how her pale skin sparkles in the sun… look at how her long and black hair blows softly in the wind. Look at how brightly her brown eyes are brought out in the sun’s light. She is appalling anytime I see her but the sun compliments and showcases her beauty like nothing else. The freckles on her nose, which I have always loved, I see perfectly in the light of the sun. I love watching her brush her hair behind her ears with her small hands. And I love watching how she looks at the mountains, forests, and the valley. It’s like she’s dreaming… dreaming of flying far away… far away from this place we’ve once called home but has now been made our prison. But even as dark as this place is these days, I feel like every day is brighter and filled with wonder, joy, excitement, and hope… because every day I wake up, I still get to see her. Kagami… the girl I have always been in love with.
Alright, enough stalling, Taiyo. You’re doing this. Wait, maybe… no! Just go. But maybe... Nope, you’re going. Wait, hold on… Nope, nope, nope. Don’t think. Just go. Just go, go, go.
Ah! I feel l
ike I’m heading right for the sun, about to be scorched alive. I wonder if I will make it out of this alive.
I take another big gulp just in case. Then at last... I close the distance between us, doing it swiftly before I have time to change my mind. “Ah!” she screams when she notices me next to her suddenly, covering her mouth, and spinning a glance at Valida who… somehow and thankfully didn’t hear… oh my gosh. My heart is pounding right now.
Suddenly, I feel discouraged. I already creeped her out. Now what? Have I already ruined my chance? Thousands of thoughts flood my brain like a tidal wave. I become so overwhelmed that I’m unable to process a thing. I draw a blank. This terrifies me even more. I feel my body heating, frying my concentration to the point I feel like I’m about to panic. To prevent myself from trembling and showing how terrified I am in front of her, I tense up my body and face. I freeze my face, preventing it from showing any facial expressions. It’s like I’ve turned myself into stone… but even something as desperate as this isn’t helping. It might even be making things worse. But right now, I don’t know how things can get worse…
Panicking and not knowing what to do, I shift my eyes from her face to her feet. I hold them there for a few seconds to pull myself together. But I make sure not to do this very long. I don’t want to freak her out any more than I’m already doing. I’m not ready, but I force myself to lift my heavy eyes back on hers again. I start blinking rapidly to prevent my head from shuddering. She’s staring at me with wide eyes. Her hands slowly lower from her lips. Our eyes lock… and suddenly… I become… immersed in them… distracted… suddenly not noticing how terrified I am doing what I’ve never been able to bring myself to do before. But my heart is also pounding and I keep having the urge to gulp. I’m nervous… uncertain of what’s going to happen next… but anxious to find out.
We hold our gaze on each other. Her lips part and move but nothing comes out. I do the same but am unable to think of anything to say.
Then she pulls her eyes away and sneaks a glance over at Valida. I gulp, worried if she’s waiting for me to walk away and end this uncomfortable encounter.
Suddenly, I feel a strong urge to say something, anything… To end this silence that’s quickly starting to feel really… really awkward… and terrifying. “Uh—umm…”
“H-huh?” she asks, looking at me with wide eyes.
My voice trembles. “I... I… uh…”
She draws in her lips, sneaking a glance over at Valida again. “She… she’s going to…” She awkwardly points to Valida. “See us…”
“O-oh… uh…” I don’t move. But should I? What do I say next? I can’t think.
“Hmm?”
“I…” I choke. I stop breathing. My heart pounds out of my chest. Like a volcanic eruption, energy shoots from my body up to my head, frying all my thoughts. My mind goes blank. I feel myself panicking. No—not now. Not now. Don’t do this. Not directly in front of her. Oh god...
My eyes expand as my panic grows. She mirrors my expression. I can no longer hide it. My body trembles out of control. I try to speak, but nothing comes out.
Her lips part, but she doesn’t say anything at first. “T-Taiyo…”
“Y-ye-s?” I hold my breath as I listen, trying to prepare myself for anything.
“I think… I think we’d better… return to our posts...”
I let out all the breath I have left, but I’m unable to inhale again. I stare blankly and silently, still as a statue. I’m so still I can hear my heart pounding. It’s pounding so hard I feel its pulse up to my neck. I feel as if I’ve been stabbed by a knife. I place my hand over my heart to feel if it’s there, but it isn’t. I wasn’t stabbed, just rejected…
So that’s it… that’s her answer then…
I’ve made her feel uncomfortable. She wants me to leave.
That’s okay. It’s totally fine. I was already kind of expecting that. It’s fine. It’s fine. I’m fine. I’m totally okay...
“R-right,” I stutter, though I don’t know why. It’s okay. I’m not surprised. I expected this. But I thought I’d try anyway. At least I tried. At least I can say I tried. Now I can stop beating myself up about it. I can move on in peace. I guess this means it wasn’t meant to work out. We’re not meant to be. It is what it is. I just have to accept it. Why would she want to have anything to do with me anyway?
I spin my body from her and pace back to my position. I blink rapidly to resist the flood of tears that are already blinding my eyes—I can barely see where I’m walking. I bow my head, and raise my arms to my face, wiping tears as inconspicuously as I can. My back faces her, ensuring she doesn’t see me. Stop it, Taiyo. Not yet. Wait until you’re at least back in your spot…
When I make it back, I make sure I don’t turn to look at her… not even once. I stand stiff and tense. My head is bowed; my back is arched; my arms are crossed, and my legs are close together. I feel cold. My body is trembling. My lips are shaking. The dam in my eyes is shattering. I can’t see a thing in front of me. I want to just release. I want to explode. My lips part. I pant heavily, but try to keep myself as quiet as possible.
Then, I tense up my body even more. I ball my fists, squeezing. My eyebrows pull close together and bend downwards. My eyes bulge. My teeth grind. Suddenly, I’m so unbelievably furious that I want to pounce the ground as hard as I can. I’m enraged… but not at her—no… never at her. I’m enraged with myself. My stupid, idiotic, useless, pathetic self...
You stupid, pathetic loser. You screwed it up. Your only chance. Why are you so hopeless? Can’t you even do a simple thing as talking to a girl? Are you that pathetic? Seriously? You stupid, hopeless, pathetic, piece of garbage. I’ve never seen anything more cringeworthy and awkward in my life. That was the most painful thing I’ve ever been forced to endure. God, I hate you. So embarrassing. So humiliating. So awkward. The worst male on earth with women. Can’t even talk to one. You’ll never have anybody. No girl will ever want to be with you. You’ll always be alone, forever alone. And you’ll always be the only one alone. Because everybody can do it, but not you—definitely not you. You can’t do anything. I hate you. I hate everything about you. Everybody hates you. Especially women. Especially Kagami. Good job. You’ve completely ruined your chances with her forever.
As I listen to these thoughts repeatedly in my head, I can no longer hold it. I lose strength in my hands and loosen up. I lose strength throughout my whole body. It trembles uncontrollably. The tears flood out of my eyes and I breathe heavily. I scream and wail in my head, but out loud I keep myself as quiet as I can. I can’t take much more embarrassment. If anyone, especially Kagami were to see me breaking down like this, I’d be so embarrassed I’d want to die. Then again… maybe I already do.
This continues for most of the rest of our shift. When I’m finally done feeling sorry for my stupid, pathetic self, I stare blankly at the ground, but in my head I’m hating myself, wishing I was normal—wishing I was like everyone else. It’s so easy. It’s so easy for them. Why is it so hard for me? Why is everything so hard for me?
Suddenly from Valida’s position, I hear her exaggerating her yawning and stretching. “Alright, y’all. I’ve about had enough of this today. I’m sure you feel the same. Let’s head back and get some food.”
As I listen to her head back to the fort, I delay movement until I hear the others follow her ahead of me, especially Kagami.
I don’t want anyone to see me like this. I’m so embarrassed I can hardly stand it. It’s revolting. It’s irritating. It’s aggravating. Once I no longer hear footsteps, and I’m sure Kagami has already followed, I turn my head slowly, ensuring the coast is clear. When I don’t see anyone by the cliff, I turn to verify that all of them are following Valida. I catch up to them, pacing my steps and ensuring I’m caught up before we enter the fort. If I’m seen too far behind by the time my group enters the fort and another officer besides Valida catches this, they’ll punish me—and I don’t need that right now.
When I’m caught up, I return to self-hating and pitying. I glue my eyes to the ground and ball my fists. I immerse myself so intensely in my self-hatred that I barely notice someone suddenly slowing down to my pace. But the second I’m aware of his presence and conscious of how he can see me, I tense up my body and face, masking my emotions. I begin feeling unbearably self-conscious as he continues walking the same pace as me, knowing that every move I make is within his sight and thoughts of judgment.
“Hey… I don’t mean to bother you, but I just wanted to make sure you knew that she’s not rejecting you or anything.” He pauses. I want to look at him, but I feel too vulnerable and self-conscious. Plus I don’t want him to see that I just got done crying my eyes out. But wait… did he just... what is he… how does he… “She actually has no ill thoughts of you at all. The only reason she had suggested you return to your post was because she was worried you and her would get in trouble.” He pauses. “Okay… that’s all I wanted to say.” I hold my breath. My eyes expand. Huh? What? What is he… did he hear? But wait, how can he… know? What—what is going on?
I’m shocked. I’m puzzled. I don’t understand what just happened. He walks ahead of me before I can finish processing what he said and think of how to reply. When I know his back is facing me, I lift my eyes to see who it was that just said all of that to me.
It-it’s the new guy!
#
“I-I just don’t understand what happened,” I whisper to a beautiful flower with rich orange pedals. “It doesn’t make sense. He spoke as if he knew for certain… what happened and what was on her mind. Even if he saw and heard everything that happened—which to me is hard to believe from where he was positioned—it still doesn’t make sense how he did. I mean... I don’t think Valida even heard or saw what happened—she never did or said anything. So… how can he… how can he know? How can he be so sure? Like it’s a matter of fact?” I pause. “Or maybe he just said all of that to make me feel better? Yeah, that must be it. No, wait. No, that can’t be it. He knew things he couldn’t know… so then... how? I’m so confused. I don’t know. What do you think?”
