by Adam Lynch
“You mean I have a choice?”
The soldier shakes his head but keeps his voice composed. “No, get up.”
“I can’t. I’ve just been beaten to a pulp.”
“I can’t with this guy,” says another soldier who was watching from the side. He takes Akio’s arm and yanks him up. “Get up, or I will beat you until you really can’t move.”
Akio rolls his eyes, but complies, taking his time. He climbs to his feet, eyeing the angry soldier on his way up. Once he’s standing, the angry soldier shoves him towards the table. “Now sit down and eat your food like all the other slaves.”
“What food?” he shouts back, shrugging and showing them his empty hands. “I wasn’t given anything.” The soldier ignores him and walks off with other soldiers, scoffing and shaking his head. Akio sticks out his tongue and bends one of his lower eyelids with his finger, voicing noises.
When he faces the table, he grins with blood on his teeth as he looks around for a place to sit. “Alright. Who wants the trouble-maker to sit next to him or her?” He scans the table from left to right. “Huh? Any takers?” He pauses when he meets eyes with me. My eyes instinctively pull away, startled by having made eye contact with someone… ah wait, crap. No. Why did I do that? He’s going to think I pulled away because I’m afraid of associating with him, but that’s not true… I’m like this with everyone—it doesn’t matter who it is. I can’t help it. I get self-conscious when people look at me. I’m terrible at making eye contact with people. When people look at me, I feel like they see everything I’m doing, and everything inside of me. They can see right through me. They can see that I’m nervous or scared.
Another thing I hate when making eye contact with someone is when they do see fear or irritability in my eyes (irritability with myself and how I can’t ever stop feeling anxious), they automatically think it’s because of something they did. They think I look fearful or irritable because of something they did to make me feel that way… and I’m sure this is exactly what Akio is thinking now. But no. That’s not it, Akio. I’m like this with everyone. I’m always like this. It has nothing to do with you. It’s me. It’s always me.
“Will you sit down already, and stop acting like a freaking idiot?!” sasses Yumi as she pulls him down to sit in between me and her when he’s within range.
Before acknowledging Yumi, he turns to look at me a second, smiling, and whispering, “Sorry bro. It looks like Yumi’s forcing me to sit next to you.”
I flinch out of habit, but he turns to talk to Yumi before I have time to process. Wait, did he just say he’s forced to sit next to me? He’s upset he has to sit with me? Wait... no. No, that’s not it. What am I thinking? Stupid. It has nothing to do with me. He’s feeling insecure, unwelcome, and it’s my fault. Sigh. I look at the table. Then I put my head down and hate myself for making Akio feel unwelcome.
“Why do you always have to do the dumbest things that risk getting you killed?” Yumi asks him, slapping him.
“Because I’m free to do what I want—and I want to always remind myself of that. I don’t care if they force us to work in the day and lock us up in a cell at night. I can still do whatever I want. It doesn’t matter if I’m a slave. As long as I have control over my body and brain, I’m gonna do whatever I want, and nobody’s gonna stop me.”
“That’s crazy. You’re gonna get yourself killed before we even have a chance to escape.”
“Hey, if I do, it’ll be by my own choice and no one else’s.”
“Can’t you just behave yourself? At least until we get out of here?”
He shrugs, muttering.
“Oh my gosh. You’re such a child.”
“You can’t get this man to do something by telling him to do something,” Sadao tells her. “Haven’t you learned by now? If you want him to do something, you have to hype him up and make him think it was his idea.” He looks at Akio and winks, laughing.
“Oh, so I’m not the one leading this escape plan, huh? I just think I am?”
“Yup. You think we’d let a loon like you lead this life or death operation?”
“I think that was his plan all along to let us plan everything,” jests Katsu.
“You guys keep telling yourselves that.”
Yumi, Sadao, and Katsu laugh as they team up against Akio, picking on him, roasting him, pushing him, and slapping him. I pull my head up and watch as they joke and laugh together. I pay attention to the grins on their faces, the wrinkles on the corners of their eyes, and the sound of their laughter. I watch as they take turns joking and contributing to the group conversation. They speak uninhibited, unfiltered, and without hesitation. They’re fully expressive, bold, genuine, and loving with one another. It’s amazing to watch. Conversing is so easy for them. They think nothing of it. They relish it and it’s apparent on their faces.
They’ve always been friends… and every time I watch them jest together, I think to myself how nice it would be to have something like that… to have my own circle of friends to laugh and joke with. I’ve often imagined how awesome it would be to tell a joke for everyone in my friend circle to hear, and then have them laugh hysterically at—everyone would laugh and think my joke was the most hilarious thing… they’d look at me with fondness, appreciation, and love.
But of course, this is only my imagination… I know none of this would happen to me in real life. No one wants to be my friend. I’m weird, awkward, dumb, boring, and always nervous. There’s so much wrong with me. I’m unlovable. And it’s because I’m unlovable, that I’ll always be alone… no friends… no girlfriend… just me… and my imagination.
I suppose I do have my flower friends… my plant friends… the sun, the moon, the stars, the trees, the clouds, and all the animals… but they’re not the same as people. They don’t tell jokes. They don’t tease me. They don’t converse deeply with me. But they do listen… and they do… talk back. I swear they do… I’m not crazy. They do talk back to me, and I hear what they say… even if no one else thinks I do. I have to believe that, because if I don’t, it’ll mean I really don’t have any friends. None at all. All this time, it would have just been me… and my imagination…
Exposed
I
can’t stop thinking about Kagami. I can’t stop thinking about my humiliating attempt at trying to talk to her today… and everything I did to make it so awkward. The way I approached her… the way I looked at her… and what I said to her—yuck. Makes me sick to my stomach thinking about it. You’re such a pathetic idiot, Taiyo. It’s no surprise you’ve never had a girlfriend and even as much as a first kiss—it clearly shows. You’re creepy. You’re cring-worthy. You’re awkward. Honestly, a lot people worry about you, Taiyo. And you should worry, too. You should worry if anyone will ever be able to love you, you hopeless, disgusting, piece of pathetic garbage.
As I think these thoughts, tears roll down my eyes, and I rub them. It’s dark in this cell at night. The others, who were thrown in this cell with me, are all asleep as far as I know. But in spite of this, I still feel like I’m being watched by them… and am being talked about by them. I’m humiliated by my tears. I’m humiliated with my feelings. I’m humiliated with myself. Poor pathetic Taiyo. Such a loser. It’s no surprise you’re crying again. You have a lot to cry about. Others would cry if they were you, which is why they’re glad they’re not. You should feel sad. You have a lot to cry about. Keep feeling sorry for yourself.
I fight the tears but they keep leaking out. What do I do? It seems like the more I resist, the more overwhelming my despair becomes. Finally, I give up. I don’t care anymore. I let my sadness take over and shatter the dams. My face wrinkles like an ugly baby, and rivers burst out of my eyes. I hyperventilate and sniffle uncontrollably, but make a conscious effort at minimizing my volume level.
I cry for an hour. When the worst is over, I look out our small window. The moon is full and bright tonight. Aside from the torches hanging on the walls outside our cell, the mo
on’s light is the only light we have in preventing total darkness around us. The torches are not very bright, so I’m thankful for the moon’s illumination tonight. I did not want to be sitting in the dark all night… not tonight, feeling like this.
So, because I’m thankful for the moon’s light, I feel I should thank her. “Good-good evening,” I stutter as I look at her.
“Good evening, Taiyo,” she replies, her light flashing as she responds. I grin, happy to hear her voice again. It’s been a while. The clouds have been covering her the past few nights. I can’t see or hear her when the clouds are shrouding her. “It’s been a while since I’ve heard from you.”
“I know. I’m sorry… I couldn’t talk to you the past few days because the clouds were covering you. And before that, I couldn’t talk to you because there were people around me, and some were awake. I have to be careful not talk to things that aren’t people when other people are looking because for some reason they get upset when I do that. But it seems like I’m the only person who talks to you guys? I almost never see anyone else do it. I don’t understand why. People talk to people, but no one talks to you… or the sun, or the clouds, or the plants, or any of the animals. But I don’t understand why. You guys are so nice. And you’re the only friends I have...”
“Yes, Taiyo. You’re the only one who ever talks to me.”
“That must make you so lonely...”
“No. I don’t get lonely. But for as long as I have existed, nobody’s ever spoken to me before you.”
“Nobody? Ever? Or… do you prefer to be alone? Am I disturbing you by talking to you?”
“No. You’re not disturbing me. You may speak to me anytime you like. In fact, I like it when you speak to me. Because when you do, it feels like you’re a part of me.”
“Yeah… I feel the same way… but I’m a human… and you’re... the moon. How can we feel we are a part of each other... even though you’re so far away, and we’re different forms of creation?”
“Hey!” shouts a soldier, banging the cell bars suddenly. I shudder, pull away from the window, and shrink in the corner. A lot of people in the cell wake up. “You talking to random things again? Didn’t I tell you to stop that?”
“S-sorry sir,” I stutter, my heart pounding. “I won’t do it again. Sorry… sir.”
“I’d better not see it again. It’s freaking me out…”
“Yes sir… sorry. So sorry.”
“Go to sleep. Everyone go back to sleep. It’s not morning yet.” He walks off, shaking his head.
Everyone looks around in confusion until they see me behind them. “Sorry. Sorry.” They roll over and go back to sleep. When it’s quiet again, I slide to the corner and hug my legs. I avoid the window. I avoid speaking to anything that’s not a human. I’m terrified I’ll get in trouble again and make everyone lose more sleep. I’m sorry everyone. I’m so sorry…
“You don’t need to apologize,” whispers someone next to me from the dark. I look over and can’t see him at all—it’s too dark. His voice sounds familiar, though… one I think I’ve heard recently. “You can’t see me, can you?” I shake my head.
Suddenly, he steps where the moon’s light reaches, and I gasp. It’s… it’s him. Light brown skin. Short and skinny. Bald head. Looks about my age. It’s the new guy again. Oh my gosh. I had no idea he was in here with me. Was he awake this whole time? Did he see me talking to the moon? “I did see you talking to the moon, but it didn’t upset me or anything. Quite the contrary, actually. I was intrigued.”
I shake my head, blinking my eyes. Huh? Did I say something out loud?
“It’s good to meet you, Taiyo. I’m Yuuto.” He puts his hands together and bows.
I mirror his greeting. “H-hello, Y-Yuuto. My name is Tai—” Wait a minute… did he say my name already?
Perplexed by this, while bowing, I lift my head to see him. Our eyes meet… and then… for the first time… I notice how… green… they are…
But it’s not just their color I’m seeing… no… there’s more… much more...
Looking into the iris of his eyes right now is like looking inside a library… a library of words… knowledge… emotions… and faces—a massive and deep vortex that leads to multiple worlds, worlds I can only catch a glimpse of by looking into his eyes. What… what is this I’m seeing? I’ve never seen anything like this before. Am I hallucinating? Is it because I didn’t eat today?
Additionally, the longer I gaze into his eyes… the more I see… empathy—but on a level I’ve never seen anyone express to me before. It’s like he knows me. It’s like he... cares about me. It’s like I had finished telling him a story and this is his reaction to it. It makes me feel... curious? But also, I feel scared at the same time—scared of not being able to understand why he is looking at me this way.
None of this makes sense. I don’t know him. He doesn’t know me… but yet… he knows my name?
“Taiyo. Yes, I know.” I draw my face back. I knew it. He does know my name. But I never told him, have I? He must have learned it from somebody else. He smiles and I gasp, backing away. “What you can do, Taiyo… it’s amazing. It’s incredible.”
“H-huh?”
“I’m talking about how you can talk to the moon… and actually… hear back what she’s saying to you. It’s incredible. I’ve never met anyone who can do something like that…”
“Can’t everyone?”
He grins. “That’s another thing that draws me to you, Taiyo. You’re so… innocent… so… kind-hearted. It makes me feel like I can trust you.”
Trust me? I don’t understand… I don’t understand what he’s talking about. I feel dumb. Why is this not making sense to me?
“Sorry, Taiyo. I keep speaking out of context. It makes sense why you’re so confused right now.”
What? How does he know I’m confused? Am I that obvious? Am I really that easy to read?
“Everyone is easy for me to read, Taiyo.”
My eyes expand. I look left and then right. Okay… that was weird. Did I say something out loud? Because it was kind of like… it kind of seemed like… it really looked like—
“I read your mind?” I gasp and he grins. “You’re not the only one with a gift, Taiyo…”
“H-huh?”
“You and I both have a gift that we can do, but no one else can.”
What is he talking about? I’m so confused.
“Sorry for confusing you, Taiyo. I’ve never told anyone what I’m telling you now, so I’m out of practice.”
Wait, did he just speak my mind again, or am I saying something out loud? “Te-tell me what?”
He gulps, looking away for a second. “Well… firstly… you need to know the truth about yourself. Because you don’t realize it, and it makes me sad to be the only one to know.”
“K-know what?”
“Taiyo, the way you talk to the plants, the birds, the flowers, the clouds, the sun, the moon, and all the animals… and how you can hear what they’re saying back to you… nobody can or has ever been able to do that.”
Wait… huh? What is he talking about? Nobody can talk to the animals and hear what they’re saying back to them? It doesn’t often happen, but I see people talking to animals sometimes. But I guess now that I think about it, I don’t usually see anyone talking to anything on the ground or in the sky. But how would he know all of this anyway?
“It’s true some people talk to animals, like their pets for instance. But what you don’t realize is that you’re the only one who can speak their language and hear what they’re saying back to you. I know this as a fact because of my gift. You’re the only person I’ve met who can do what you do. Actually, you’re the only person besides me I’ve met who can do things others can’t. We’re special, Taiyo. You and I share that. That’s why I’m sharing my secret with you… a secret I’ve never told anyone else before in my whole life.”
I’ve never heard anyone talk like this. I feel like he’s crazy, and
listening to him is making me crazy.
He places his hands on my shoulders and gazes at me. “Listen, Taiyo. I’m going to say this plainly so you understand. Are you ready?” I nod and then gulp. “I… I’m the mind-reader. I can read your mind. I can read everyone’s mind.”
My eyes expand and I gulp again. “Y-you can read minds?”
“Yes.”
“That’s how you know my name?”
“Yes.”
“That’s how you keep answering me, even though I’m not saying anything?”
“Yes.”
“W-wait, wait!” I point at him. “Y-you’re him, aren’t you? The one the Darkane are looking for?”
He shushes me. “Keep your voice down, Taiyo. Please… no one is to know about me… not the Darkane, and not anyone from your village even. Also, no one is to know about your powers either.”
“H-huh? What powers? And wait, why? Why can’t I tell anyone?”
“The Darkane are after people like us. Not just me, but someone like you, too—anyone with special powers. The fact that you can speak to the sun, the moon, the clouds, the plants, the trees, and the animals, and hear what they’re saying back to you—that is a power given to you by God. Nobody else can do that.”
“Really? Nobody can?”
“No one. And I’m the only one who can read minds. No one else can do that either. That’s what I’ve been saying.”
Is this why soldiers had always freaked out when I talked to anything that wasn’t a human?
“Yes, Taiyo. Because they didn’t understand what you were doing.”
Huh? Did I say something out loud without realizing it again?
“No, Taiyo. I read your mind.”
