by Hughes, Maya
“Girls don’t like feeling like you’re not with them for them,” Jules threw out from the living room. She was sitting next to Alexis and they looked like they were getting along. Maybe Jules could butter her up on the college angle some more. Them getting along would be a bow on all the madness going on right now, even if Alexis made me want to strangle her sometimes. She was slow to trust, but if anyone could win her over, it was Jules. Who couldn’t love every sweet thing about her?
“We’re not even dating.” LJ banged his head against the wall.
“Never? It’s really never crossed your mind?” Keyton lobbed that out there. He was on a roll today.
The awkward silence crept in and he scrubbed his hands down his face. “We did try. For, like, a split second senior year and then everything hit the fan once my dad got sick and it was easier being friends. If I’d lost her then… I don’t think I’d have made it, bone marrow or not.”
“Maybe you need to show her that you’re not just keeping her around or indebted to her because of what happened with your dad. Maybe show her you’d like things to change between you, if that’s what you want.”
I headed upstairs and peeled my shirt off in my room. The sticky mixed-drink concoction had soaked through to my skin.
Jules slipped into the room. “It smells like a sorority house in here.”
“There must have been half a bottle of grenadine in whatever Marisa was mixing.”
“It did have the added benefit of me getting to see you with your shirt off.” She pushed off from the door and walked over to me. Extending one finger, she ran it down my stomach and sucked it into her mouth.
Her lips wrapped around it and I wrapped my arm around her waist, tugging her tight against me. She was the sexiest woman in the world, and she was all freaking mine.
“I’m about to start a snow dance to get a few more inches to fall and keep classes cancelled.”
She walked her fingers along my chest. “Alexis said your birthday was coming up.”
My sexy feelings shrank. I fucking hated my birthday. I didn’t even think the guys knew when my birthday was. It was the worst day of my life. The day my mom had dumped me at my dad’s. The day I’d stood in the doorway watching her fade away in the back seat of a taxi. She’d left me with a birthday present, a carry-on suitcase and more crushing pain than a kid should ever know.
“It’s not a big deal.” I shrugged, trying to play it cool.
Growing up as a foster kid in the placements I’d gotten hadn’t meant homemade cakes and well-wrapped presents. It meant the teacher announced it in class and everyone bombarded me with questions about what I’d be getting and why I wasn’t having a party. Even now, there was always a prickling claw of terror in my gut whenever the day rolled around.
“We should do something.”
Long after-class parties where moms brought in cupcakes or invited everyone to a kids’ play place with invitations stuffed in our lockers—I hated my birthday for all those bad memories that resurfaced as the day got closer and the new ones had been piled on top.
“No, we don’t have to. I’d rather just spend the day with you. We can go grab a movie or I can have Marisa make another pitcher of these drinks and you can have your way with me.”
Jules peered up at me, the hungry desire naked in her eyes. My sweatpants were a second away from becoming a camping tent. “Who said I need a pitcher of drinks for that?”
“That’s a one-way ticket to me not letting you out of this room for the next twenty-four hours.”
“Your sister’s here!” She pushed at my chest laughing. I loved that she called Alexis my sister. There was never a question in her voice or one of the strange looks everyone always gave us, and that made me love Jules even more.
That slammed into me hard and I tightened my hold around her waist. I loved her. And it would only be a matter of time before I lost her.
32
Jules
“I’m about to run into work, but I love the idea of making it like a kid’s party.”
“Berk never got to have those parties when we were growing up, so the sillier the better.” Alexis had warmed up even more after our snow day, even insisting on calling instead of texting to talk about Berk’s party.
“You’re thinking streamers, balloons, party hats?”
“The works. He’ll love it.” She actually sounded happy; maybe we’d gotten off on the wrong foot and things were slowly turning around.
“I hope I don’t accidentally let anything slip. I’m terrible at keeping secrets.”
“You’ve been pretty good at it so far.” There was a weird tone to her voice, almost accusatory.
“I’m here at work, so I’ve got to go. Thanks again, Alexis.”
“Don’t worry about it, Jules.” She ended the call and I slipped my phone into my pocket.
We were filming and I didn’t feel like I needed a trashcan on hand to puke, so today was a win. The last few shows had gone well and people were loving everything we made. Standing beside Avery, I’d thought people would keep putting in requests for me to step out of frame, but Max kept saying that everyone loved the way we interacted.
It wasn’t so scary to get up in front of everyone once those nerves wore off. Why had I thought this would be such a nightmare? It was actually kind of fun.
“Are we ready?” I walked into B&B without a single knot in my stomach. The butterflies were firmly in place, but usually melted away after the first few minutes.
Max slammed a laptop closed and shoved it behind her. Avery stood beside her and the camera lights were all off.
“What?” The not-there knots turned into a pit. “What happened?”
They both let out deep sighs in unison. “Let’s go sit down in the office.” Avery wrapped her arm around my shoulder.
I waited for some snark from Max about stealing her best friend, but nothing came. That made it even worse. Max scooped up the laptop and followed us.
“Did I get the date and time wrong?”
“No, you’re right on time.” Avery sat on the edge of her desk. Her bump was growing every day. She had a massive hockey baby in there, so it was only a matter of time before she was rocking the basketball look.
“You’re freaking me out. Whatever it is, please just tell me what I did. Did I forget to turn off the oven or something?”
Avery covered my hand with hers. “You did nothing wrong. I need you to know that. Know it, Jules.” She squeezed my hand.
I nodded. “Okay, so why are you two looking like you’ve seen a ghost?”
“Did you—” Max stopped and rubbed her hand along the back of her neck.
“Someone just tell me.” It came out like a screech, the panic finally boiling over.
“You were going to find out, no matter what. After Berk popped into the last video the views spiked a lot. Things were great and then they weren’t. The comments changed. We figured it would die down and we’d just delete them all, but then something new was added to the mix and it added fuel to the fire.” Max’s grim look turned the pit in my stomach to a yawning cavern.
“What—” I licked my sandpaper-dry lips. “What were they saying?”
She shook her head and opened the laptop. “If there was a way to hide it, trust me I’d have taken it out back, rolled it up in a carpet, and buried it out in the Pine Barrens. But it’s not stopping. These are asshole trolls, but you can’t be walking around blind out there.”
She turned the glowing screen toward me.
My smile stalled on my lips and I scanned the screen. In bite-sized comments, dripping with venom and humiliation, I scrolled through my life being shredded. Bile raced up my throat.
Dough Ho gets her sticky hands on a six-pack hottie.
Dough Ho.
I scrolled down the page and let out a sound from the deepest recesses of my fears and insecurities as one of my letters to Berk appeared on the screen.
They knew I was The Letter Girl.
‘She must give next-level head to get a guy like that.’
‘What’s a hottie like that doing with the Pillsbury Dough Girl?’
‘Her vag probably tastes like cinnamon rolls. That’s why he’s with her.’
And those were the kind ones. I clapped my hands over my mouth, trying to keep those noises from being wrenched from inside my chest. Someone took a screenshot from one of the videos and circled every roll and pucker on my body. Those problem areas I’d hated but had somehow convinced myself no one else really noticed. Oh they’d noticed all right. And they’d gone into detailed analysis of every way that I sucked and wasn’t good enough for perfect Berk.
Avery closed the laptop and wrapped her arms around me.
My shoulders shook and I tried to breathe through the burn in my chest and tears pooling in my eyes.
Max enclosed us both in a hug, and that was what broke me.
Ragged sobs wrenched free from my mouth and I buried my face in their shoulders. This was what I got. I was Icarus and Berk was the sun. I’d tried to be so careful. Not let my guard down too much or fall too hard too fast because I knew what it would mean for me. He had women lined up around the stadium for a chance to give him a lap dance and here I was the Dough Ho who didn’t make any sense standing next to him. It was like it was against the laws of nature and people couldn’t help but point it out.
Max and Avery rocked me until my sobs turned to tears and tears faded to hiccups and sniffles. I lifted my head and wiped at my eyes with my hands.
Avery grabbed a box of tissues off her desk and gave me one.
“Thanks.” It came out small and ragged, just like I felt right now.
“Is that note from you?” Max leaned in, keeping her hand on my shoulder.
I kept my gaze trained on the floor and nodded. Then I spilled the whole sordid story of the letters.
“And you never told Berk?” Avery held onto my hand.
I shook my head. “I—we weren’t supposed to happen. He wasn’t supposed to be this great guy who was interested in me. Once he was, I didn’t know how to tell him I’d been lying to him all this time.” The words caught in my throat, which squeezed even tighter.
“He’ll understand.”
I wiped at my face with the back of my hand. “I don’t know if I want him to.” What if once he saw these comments the lightbulb would go off? He’d turn and look at me and go, oh yeah, why the hell am I with you? The violent churning in my stomach got worse and I scanned the room for a trashcan.
As if conjured by my thoughts, my phone buzzed in my pocket. I looked at the screen.
BERK: Where are you? Are you guys not filming today? I was looking forward to watching you ;-)
Panic shot through my chest. I shut it off and shoved it way down deep in my bag. That was too much right now. Everything was slamming into me rapid-fire like a machine gun of pent up repercussions I’d somehow been awesome at dodging up until this very moment. Now they were all converging and hitting the bullseye with every single round.
Avery and Max assured me that all social media would be scrubbed, and told me to take as much time as I needed. I took a taxi back to my house. All I wanted to do was crawl under my sheets and not come out until the school year was over. Everyone would know. Everyone would judge. Everyone would be watching me.
I flung the taxi door open and froze a half-step out.
Berk sat on my front steps. Once he saw me, he stood up.
He knew.
Why else would he be here waiting? His gaze was trained on me like he was seeing me with new eyes.
I couldn’t face him right now.
“Can we talk later?” Like the scaredy cat I was, I scurried up the steps, bypassing him, and shoved my key into the door lock.
“Did you write the letters?”
“Berk, can we talk about this later?” My heart attempted a speedy exit from my throat. I opened the door.
“No, we need to talk about this now.” He wrapped his fingers around my arm, holding me in place. “LJ showed me some post saying you were The Letter Girl.”
Which meant he’d most likely seen everything else everyone had said.
“Yes, it was me.” Turning slowly like I was walking toward my executioner, I faced him, only meeting his gaze for a split second.
“Why didn’t you tell me? Why’d you lie to me?” He raised his voice.
“Because I couldn’t open myself up to all this.” People stopped along the street to watch the show.
He looked behind him and stepped forward, shielding me and corralling me into the house. The door closed behind us and I was trapped inside with him.
“Jules, look at me.”
I couldn’t. The tears were back. They prickled at the backs of my eyes and I blinked to try to keep from dissolving into a puddle. “I think we should back off for a bit.”
“Because I found out you’re The Letter Girl?”
“You know that’s not why.” I took a deep breath, breathing through my nose even though it burned.
“Tell me what’s going on.”
I licked my lips. “Things are moving really fast and I think it would be best to chill out for a while.”
“You’re breaking up with me.” Hurt radiated from his voice.
“I’m barely to a place where I can look at myself in the mirror and not want to wear a snowsuit. I’ve hated myself for so long, and I’ve hated the way I look for so long, and I’m finally coming to a point where I’m okay with being me—most of the time. But what happened today…”
I shook my head and squeezed my eyes shut. “What’s happening right now, with people talking about the letters and me and you together as though I’m a circus freak? I’m working hard on loving myself. I know I can get there. But I can’t do it under the searing spotlight at your side. I can’t do it when I know people are constantly looking at you and back at me and wondering why the hell you’re with me.”
“Because you’re beautiful and sexy and kind and bake a killer cookie.” He ducked his head to catch my gaze.
Squeezing my fingers, I stared at the floor between us. “I want to be strong enough for this, Berk. I do. But I’m not and I can’t force you to spend the rest of however long this lasts reassuring me every three seconds that everyone we pass isn’t thinking the same thing.”
“I don’t care what other people think.”
“I know you don’t, but I’m not there yet.”
“If you’re worried about other people around here, maybe go home for a few days. Lay low there and hang out with your mom and sister. Things will blow over.”
A hysterical laugh bubbled up from my stomach. “From the frying pan into the fire. Who do you think drummed these things into my head for the past twenty-two years? Do you know what it was like for me growing up?”
He stared at me like he couldn’t fathom anything other than a picture-perfect childhood shattered by the death of my father.
“But your mom was nice enough.”
“To you. She was so nice to you, but every word from her was trying to cut me down. Like seeing me happy for even a second offended her.”
“I’m sure it’s not—”
“I don’t even know if my own mother loves me.” My voice cracked and my nose was a split second from running. Another ugly cry was rushing to the surface and I didn’t need him here to experience it. “How about that? How’s that for some honesty? She’s the one person who’s supposed to love me unconditionally and I’m fifty-fifty on whether she’d even care if I disappeared off the face of the earth. Those are issues I’m still dealing with, and I can’t add being on your arm to that—not now.”
“We don’t have to end things because some asshat put things up on the internet. I don’t even know how they figured it out when I couldn’t.”
“It doesn’t matter. You deserved to know the truth and I’m sorry I lied.”
“That doesn’t matter now.” He reached for me and I stepped back.
>
“Do you know what she said at Laura’s engagement party?”
“No.” The word was small and quiet, like he didn’t want to scare me away.
“She said ‘It’s a wonder he sees anything in you at all.’ She threatened to cut me out of the wedding pictures if I didn’t lose weight. I’ve been getting that from her for as long as I can remember.
“Watching everything I put into my mouth like we’re rationing. Criticizing me during every shopping trip because I can’t fit into the same clothes as Laura.”
“I don’t care what other people are saying. And I don’t care that you’re The Letter Girl. I’m fine with it—more than fine with it.”
Tears trailed down my cheeks. “But I’m not. This is a tightrope I’m walking and I’m three minutes from flying into the kitchen and eating half the stuff I baked over the past week, but I won’t. I can be strong right now, but every day, knowing that’s what’s going on? I’m not that strong, Berk. I’m just not. This is my breaking point.”
I put my hand on the center of his chest and pushed him toward the porch.
“There’s no way I can make it out unscathed.”
He covered my hand on his chest with his own. “Who said you had to? Who said any of us do?”
I looked up at him. “I do.” I pushed a little harder and he cleared the door. Closing it behind him, I locked it and sank to the floor, burying my face in my knees.
“Jules.” Berk banged on the door. “Jules, don’t run away from me. Don’t push me away.” The ‘again’ hung in his words. I was doing this again.
I muffled my tears and rushed upstairs, burying my head under my pillow.
I was a fucking coward and I’d lost the best thing that had ever happened to me. Better that than have him realize over time just how much better he could do as the prying eyes and judgement wore me down to nothing.
33
Berk
