This one is good, too:
“Teach me your way, O LORD, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name. I will praise you, O LORD my God, with all my heart; I will glorify your name forever.” (Psalm 86:11-12)
I really like that one in Psalm 86 and the part about an undivided heart because even though I don’t know what lies ahead, I know that I can trust God for whatever He has planned for me. And right now, that’s as comforting as a thick blanket wrapped around me on this cold winter morning.
January 22
Do you hear that, DSF?
It’s a sound I’m beginning to love. It’s the sound of the ocean breeze in the tall palm trees outside where I’m staying here in Castelldefels. It sounds like the trees are clapping. They’ve been clapping ever since I arrived at the train station. I wish you could have seen what happened. But how could you? I had you zipped up inside my bag. When we got off the train did you hear a certain deep voice call out “Kilikina!”? And did you hear me cry out with shock and joy,
“TODD!”
Yes, Todd was here in Castelldefels!!! He’s been here all along. Only I never knew that. The mission organization he joined is the same one that I’m with on this short-term trip. They put Todd through leadership training and determined where he would best serve, and they decided it was here, in Spain rather than some island in a remote corner of the world. Can you believe it?!?!
Todd was late coming to meet me but he had a good excuse. He had a hard time finding the flowers he brought me. A big bouquet of white carnations—just like the ones he gave me the summer we met. I was so shocked to see him, but he wasn’t shocked to see me because they told him I was coming.
He arrived with the carnations AND a certain gold Forever ID bracelet, which he put back on my wrist. I’m wearing it right now and it makes me smile just to look at it. So many memories. This is all such a huge God thing that I think I’m still in shock.
I realized when I ran my finger over the engraved word, Forever, on the bracelet, that the true forever part about this bracelet is not just Todd’s promise to always be my friend. The real promise for forever is between me and God. Friends come and go. Life changes every day. But God promised He’d never leave me. He never changes. Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever. I read that somewhere in my Bible.
Anyway, Todd and I rode in his very tiny car back to the mission house and Todd introduced me to everyone. He kept saying, “This is Christy. My Christy! The one I told you about!” Inside I was screaming and laughing and crying because all this time he’s been gone I thought he’d forgotten about me. Every time he’s gone away I always expect the worst but Todd’s never changed in his steady insistence that he is going to always be my friend no matter what.
Everything has been a wild blur since then. We only have four more days together and then I go back to Carnforth Castle in England and meet up with the rest of the teams.
January 25
My Dear SF,
Tomorrow I return to Carnforth Castle, and I’m a mess thinking about leaving Todd again. I feel angry. Like, why did I get to see him again only for us to be torn apart once more? What are we supposed to do next?
February 4
DSF,
Where should I jump in? How can I possibly summarize what’s happened?
I’m back home in Escondido. Back from England. Back in classes at the community college. Back to my job at the pet store. Life is normal again. Only I’ll never be normal again because I’ve been to Europe. I saw God do amazing God things. I got to be with Todd. And now I’m home, in my same room, on my same old bed with the same old bedspread and the same dusty rose bookshelf Todd helped me paint so long ago.
What’s going to happen now? I don’t know.
Todd and I only were able to squeeze in one sort of long, heart-to-heart talk. We decided that we’re back together. We both think it was a miracle that God brought us to the same place in Spain and the whole time we were together, we were a great team. Our feelings for each other are still there and we think they’re stronger since we both know what it’s like to be apart from each other for so long.
That’s what we decided on the train from Spain back to England, when we had some time away from the rest of the team. Todd decided to travel back up to England with us, which was really, really wonderful because you know how distraught I was over saying good-bye in Castelldefels.
I’ve got to run out the door, DSF. I’ll finish later.
February 11
Howdy, DSF!
A week and a half has passed since that last entry. Life is flying by at such a fast pace around here.
Let’s see. Where did I leave off on the Todd saga? Oh yes. We decided we were going together again. I had the bracelet, we were happy, it all seemed great.
Then we went to the castle for the final few days of the conference. It was great fun to hear from all the other teams and to be together with Doug, Tracy, and Katie again. And do you remember Sierra? She fit into our group as if she’d been with us from the start. It was really wonderful.
Our little group returned to London for a day before we flew out and Todd came with us. I was so tired I ended up sleeping on his shoulder on the train ride all the way to London. We stayed at a boardinghouse near the Chelsea district. It’s run by a woman who is associated with Carnforth Castle, so she was very gracious and didn’t charge us anything to stay there. (But we left a good amount of money on the dresser for her.)
Anyway, when we got there, Todd and I took off from the others and walked for a long time, just holding hands, walking and not saying anything. It was cold but there were some sun breaks and it wasn’t as foggy as it had been when we were touring around a few weeks earlier.
When our fingers were finally too numb, we went into a bakery and sat in the back corner in a small booth. We ordered a pot of tea and some scones. It was kind of like the tea time I’d had with Tracy a few weeks earlier only this time it was Todd sitting across from me. Never in a million years would I have pictured the two of us in London sharing tea. Our most exotic date yet!
We started talking about our future and I was the one who questioned how practical it was to say we were going together. I remembered some of the things I’d written here after my grandparents’ anniversary and commitment was the issue that kept coming up in our conversation.
I asked Todd how we could possibly be truly committed to each other when he was already committed to the mission for another year and a half. Then he said his commitment was really only for another month and the mission director had announced it incorrectly at the last group meeting. That was a huge shock to me! They’re restructuring things in Spain and Todd was part of the temporary team who was there for the transition period. It’s too long to tell you our whole conversation, but our final decision was to settle ourselves back into our regular routines and be committed to the things we’d already made commitments to and then pick up where we left off when Todd comes home. He might be home in a month or he might be asked to stay another year.
Todd even had a verse for us to think about. (Typical, huh?) It’s in Psalm 15. It’s about living a blameless life and it talks about how good it is to “keep a promise, even when it hurts.” It definitely hurts deep in my heart for us to be apart but I see this as a chance to honor God and keep all my other promises to school, work, etc., even though it hurts that I don’t get to do what I want to do, which is, of course, to be with Todd.
At first I thought it would be impossible to go back to a normal schedule after being with him. But here I am, full speed ahead with school and work and church and my family and it actually feels okay. I don’t ache over Todd the way I did before. It feels more like a long stretch between when we can be together. It’s not a break up with the agony of wondering if we’ll ever see each other again. It’s n
ot great, mind you. But for now, I think I can do this.
March 19
Dear Silent Friend,
I’ve just returned from a communion service at church. I didn’t want to go at first because I was tired, but I’m so glad I went. They had a dramatization of the Last Supper. I got all choked up when they showed Jesus washing the feet of the disciples. He demonstrated His love by serving. That really struck me. I can love others the way Jesus loved them by serving them. I can make myself available to do even the most basic, servantlike tasks and in that expression of serving, I will be loving.
When we came home, I did the dishes without being asked and then I took the trash out, which is usually my brother’s job. I know those are minor things, but I felt so good about it because my heart was set on serving.
April 2
Yippee, DSF!
Todd is coming home! That was fast, wasn’t it? I really expected him to call and say he was staying another year. But he’s coming home to finish school before make another long-term commitment to missions. He was taking a correspondence course, but time got away from him and he never finished so he didn’t get any of the credit. He’s planning to go back to a university near where his dad lives and try to click off some of the necessary units. He’s been all over the place as a college student and is little more than halfway through what he needs to graduate. I wonder if this is a pattern in his life. Will he always take this long to finish things?
He’s on the plane right now and will arrive at LAX tomorrow morning. I can’t miss class to go meet him at the airport, but I hope to see him by this weekend. I can’t wait!
April 12
Happy Easter, DSF!
What a week! I went up to Newport Beach and Todd was waiting at my aunt and uncle’s house. I ran to him when I saw him standing in the kitchen, and I’m not exaggerating when I say I threw my arms around him and burst into tears! I thought I was at the point in my life and in our relationship where I could control my emotions a little better, but I guess not! It was soooooooo good to see him! This is only the second time I’ve seen him since he got back from Spain. He is such a wonderful guy. I feel all warm and squishy inside just thinking about him now.
Unfortunately the whole week wasn’t warm and squishy. Sierra and her older sister, Tawni came down, too, which was fun. But it made for a crowded, full week. I guess I’m more of an introvert than I realized. I like all my good friends and I love spending time with them but I guess I’d dreamed up a different picture of the week. A picture that had just me and Todd in it and everyone else faded into the background.
But I have to tell you, something very tragic happened. Uncle Bob tried to start up the barbecue and it literally blew up on him. Todd burned his arm badly while trying to help him and Uncle Bob ended up in the hospital and his burns were serious. It was so scary.
My mom came up to be with Marti and there were a lot of people from the God Lovers group who showed up on the beach. Todd was in pain from the burn, but he did his best to act like everything was fine. I kept reminding him to take his pain killers and he ended up getting irritated at me. It wasn’t the best of times.
But I’ll tell you what was the best of times. And this is a miracle. My Uncle Bob did some soul searching while he was in the hospital and he turned his life over to the Lord!!!!! I have prayed for this to happen for so long! Bob has been going to a men’s Bible study with Todd for a while and he said the men from the group came to see him at the hospital and that’s when he realized something was missing from his life.
The other big news is that Tracy and Doug got engaged! Doug asked her in such a typical creative Doug fashion. He hired an airplane to fly across the beach with a banner that read, “Tracy, will you marry me?” Of course she said yes. I’m so happy for the two of them. They are great together.
I just reread the last few paragraphs. Does it sound like I make all this stuff up? My life is so bizarre sometimes! My uncle became a Christian. Doug and Tracy are getting married. Todd and I are on the same side of the planet. Yes, life is good. Or should I say, God is good. Very good.
July 23
Dear Silent Friend,
Oh, oh, oh, I am so sorry! Did you think I’d forgotten all about you? I put you in the zippered side pocket of my luggage when I went to Bob and Marti’s over Easter vacation and when I got home, I forgot to take you out. I thought I’d left you at their house, so I called Uncle Bob and asked him to look for you and he said you weren’t there.
Then I thought I left you in Todd’s VW van, Gus. Now there’s a frightening thought! But when he came down a few weeks ago I cleaned that filthy van for him just in hopes of finding you, and you weren’t there! I won’t gross you out by telling you all the other things I found there!
I thought I’d lost you for good. I cleaned my room top to bottom twice in search of you. Please believe me when I say I was desperately sorrowful for having lost you. I felt as if a piece of my heart had been cut out and thrown away! I thought you were lost forever!
It’s been months since I zipped you away in that side pouch. At least you were dry and warm there. I haven’t used that bag since then. Until today. It’s the middle of the summer and I’m gathering my things to go to Bob and Marti’s for the wedding of the decade (Tracy and Doug’s, of course). And that’s how I found you. I pulled the bag from the storage area and when I did, I felt your edges through the side pocket. Were you trying to send me an SOS? You poor thing. I promise to never abandon you like that again.
Of course, I can’t possibly catch you up on all that’s happened since Easter in one little conversation, but let me tell you the most important news. I received a letter from a school in Switzerland and I was accepted. Yes, Switzerland! I applied months and months ago when Todd was long gone and I didn’t know where he was. I wasn’t accepted then and so I pretty much forgot about the school. They offer work experience at an orphanage in Basel, Switzerland, so with the work experience combined with classes, it makes for quick course work.
Last semester I took 17 units and that was almost too much while working full time and helping in the nursery at church. Then Todd came home and I suddenly had a social life again and 17 units was definitely too much.
If I go to Switzerland, I’ll be gone at least six months. My parents are all for it since it’s apparently an honor to be accepted to this school. But I don’t know if I want to go. I heard my mom talking to Marti about it and I’m sure Marti was all for it.
I’ll see Marti in three days. I’ll see Todd then, too. This is a decision that needs a lot of prayer. As intrigued as I am with the delightful idea of returning to Europe, I don’t know if I’m ready to be away on my own for such a long time.
July 27
DSF, Just a quick hello!
It’s my birthday and I had a pretty nice time with my family. My mom made a nice dinner and we had some birthday cake and presents. It was kind of mild but there’s so much else going on. Katie and I are going up to my aunt and uncle’s for Doug and Tracy’s wedding tomorrow. That’s why I didn’t have a party or anything. Todd said he’d come down for dinner but I told him I wanted to just have some time with my family. I’m hardly ever home anymore. I think my dad appreciated that it was just the four of us. He likes Todd but my dad has this funny idea that birthdays are suppose to be private and quiet instead of big celebrations. I like both at different times.
One of the reasons I told Todd he didn’t have to come down was because he was here last weekend and we were at a picnic with my parents’ Sunday school class. Todd came down for the day and I thought he and I were going to go to the beach. But he found out about the picnic and said he’d rather go with my parents.
So we went to the picnic and he spent the whole afternoon hanging out with all these other families that he didn’t even know, playing volleyball and even horseshoes, if you can believe that. I sat at a picni
c table playing Scrabble with my mom and her friend. It was as if Todd and I hadn’t even come together. When we left he was so happy and thanked my parents for the fun day.
I thought about it a lot and decided that since Todd doesn’t have much of a family, he probably never grew up going to family reunions or picnics or camping trips. This is all new to him, and therefore he thinks it’s fun. He has spent most of his life by himself or with his peers. Being around old people and middle-aged and young people all at the same place is a treat for him. Funny, huh?
July 29
Dear Silent Friend,
I’m going to Switzerland. At least for a visit to the school. My ever-eager-to-run-my-life Aunt Marti made arrangements to take me there to check out the school. She assumed Todd would go with us but Todd decided to stay home because he didn’t think he could get the time off work. What’s up with that? Since when did my boyfriend become responsible and dependable? Those are qualities I’ve always wanted in him, but why now, all of a sudden, when we could have gone to Switzerland together?
Katie couldn’t go with me. That’s a long story.
So I invited Sierra. Remember Sierra from the missions trip last year in England? I’m glad she was able to go. This is not a journey I wanted to make with just my aunt. Sierra is a lot of fun to be with and she’ll be good at helping me make the decision of going there or not.
And yes, of course, I will take you with me. And I promise to not lock you in the side pocket of my bag. That’s certainly the drawback of being a dear “silent” friend. You can’t call out and tell me where you are!
August 7
Christy Miller's Diary Page 7
