The sound of someone choking jolted her awake. The bowl still in her lap, it fell to the ground as she scrambled towards the lean-to. The older boy was near the back of the shelter, trying to roll himself over as vomit filled his mouth, but he didn’t have the strength. Dropping to her knees, Adi grabbed his shoulder, struggling to pull him towards her, but when she finally got him sideways, she saw that it was too late. The boy’s chest no longer moved as he laid perfectly still, his lifeless eyes staring forward as saliva and puke dripped from his mouth.
“No,” Adi whispered, not wanting to believe it. “No,” she said, this time louder as she roughly shook his shoulder. So wrapped in her despair, she jumped when she heard a voice behind her.
“He’s gone.”
Adi turned and looked at Ivanna, shivering on the ground a few feet away. She was grossly pale; the only colour in her face was the redness of her eyes.
“Nothing you can do.”
Adi stayed there for a while, battling the guilt she felt. She had only fallen asleep for a second. If she had just gotten there sooner, she would have been able to save him.
The light of the morning interrupted her reverie and she picked herself up off her knees, knowing what she had to do. Grabbing the boy by the ankles, she walked backwards, struggling to drag his dead body out of the lean-to and towards the river. She was almost out of the camp when Rodrigo jogged up.
He silently looked from her to the body, and then back again, the confusion on his face fading. But when he bent down to pick up the boy, Adi stopped him.
“Don’t.”
“Let me help you.”
Irritation flowed through her as she shook her head. She didn’t want his help or his sympathy. “I’ll do it myself.” Grabbing a hold of the boy’s legs once again, she continued pulling him towards the river.
For the next hour, she worked at building a raft, stripping the body, and heaving it up onto the wooden float. As soon as she got the boy on top of the raft, she saw that a few vines had come loose on one side, causing a couple logs to separate, but she didn’t bother fixing it. Once it was in the fast-moving water, the current would hold the raft together as it carried the body downstream.
Pushing it out into the river, Adi watched the dead boy bob along and as he drifted away, the only thing she felt was anger. She was doing everything she could but it wasn’t enough, they were still dying. She was trying to stop the hot tears welling in her eyes when the sound of frogs croaking on the riverbank distracted her. Forcing her emotions down, she turned her attention to her next meal.
•
The next several days melted into each other as they did nothing but tend to the sick and search for food and supplies. By the time the malaria relented nine days later, they had eight more bodies to float. It took them an entire day to build the rafts and once it was done, Adi ached from head to toe.
With Salvador and the others finally better, Adi collapsed into a heap under the lean-to and slept solidly for hours, the weariness in her body taking over and trapping her there. She woke the following night still tired, drank some root tea, and went back to sleep, but this time it was not so serene. She woke up in a fright, sweat running down her face, as flashes of dead bodies and children screaming filled her head. Unwilling to face her nightmares, Adi grabbed a suma root and ate it, washing it down with more tea.
It didn’t take long for the remedy to kick in and she was soon fast asleep, the pain melting away with the night. It was unusually peaceful in her dream-like state as her mind was still and finally quiet. Her body felt weightless, as if it was floating through the air, a slight breeze gently pushing a stray strand of hair across her forehead. She could hear the tranquil sounds of the early morning as insects chirped to one another and tree rats made their final calls as darkness lifted. She could imagine the cool feeling of mud squishing between her toes and the revitalizing sensation of water slowly climbing up her legs, as if she was lowering herself into a bath. She felt relief as she slept, free of nightmares, pain, and guilt, and she relaxed every muscle, inhaling deeply with contentment.
Water rushing into her lungs jarred her awake and she thrashed around violently, confused and terrified as the current took her down river. She kicked with all her might, propelling herself upwards and out of the water, choking and spitting when she was finally able to breathe. She swam towards the shore as hard as she could, but the weight of her clothes and the increasing speed of the water held her back, making it almost impossible for her to get any closer to the bank. The river was becoming louder and the thought of what was coming drove a new spike of fear into her as she swam for the edge with a renewed sense of panic. She had made it halfway to the shore when she saw it: a large cluster of rapids roaring less than ten feet in front of her.
Pulling her legs up, she braced for impact and was forcefully carried with the water into the terrain of large boulders that bulged out of the river. The first few rapids she got through unscathed but by the third batch, her strength was waning and the moment her legs dropped, she slammed into a rock that hid just below the surface, stopping her dead in the water.
Adi forced herself to ignore the pain reverberating through her legs and climbed up the stone, a few inches of water rushing over her feet as she stood on top. Looking for a way out, she searched the foaming water and as soon as she saw the path, she brushed the wet hair from her eyes and jumped onto the slab beside her. She carefully moved towards the riverbank, her muscles shaking as she climbed, jumped, and shuffled across partially-submerged rocks. When she finally stepped onto the shore, the comforting feeling of earth beneath her, she collapsed in the dirt.
She didn’t know how long she laid there, but eventually her chest stopped heaving and she pushed herself up, beginning the long walk back to camp. She had been trudging along for almost an hour when she heard something moving through the trees in front of her. Too tired to be afraid, she stood and waited for whatever it was to reach her.
Pablo came to an abrupt stop as he emerged from the trees. Seeing her ragged body standing before him, his concerned face relaxed in relief. “We’ve been looking for you.”
Unsure of what to say, she remained silent.
“What happened?” he asked as he looked her over.
Her clothes were still wet, her pants torn and bloodied, and she was covered in dirt.
“I fell in the river,” she replied, her throat scratchy.
Pablo nodded. “Come on. Benito’s waiting.”
Although she was afraid to sleep, the next couple of nights passed uneventfully. She figured her sleepwalking was from too much suma root so she didn’t touch it again, deciding to avoid the tea as well, even though her bruised body constantly throbbed with pain. She slept, but only lightly and for short periods, waking every couple hours as if to make sure she was still under the lean-to.
One night, after a few weeks of barely sleeping, the fatigue and discomfort were too much to take and she gave in, drinking a small cup of kamalame tea before falling into a fitful sleep. She didn’t remember much from that night, only the sensation of moving, but when Ivanna forcefully shook her awake a few hours later, she knew it wasn’t the tea. As she stood there over Benito, gun ready and aimed at his head, she knew it was her. She was the problem.
Chapter Four
It had been a few days since they found her standing over Benito gun drawn, but Adi still couldn’t bear to be near him. The guilt of what she had done crushed her, and every time Benito came close, she would pretend not to see him and walk away. She knew it hurt him, but she was afraid of herself and didn’t know what else to do.
At night while everyone slept, Adi would go into an empty lean-to and lock herself in, tying her wrist to one of the poles. More often than not, she just laid there, staring at the leaf roof as sleep eluded her. But when it did come, she would lurch awake in pain, the rope biting into her skin as her body fought against its imprisonment.
One morning, as she drifted in and out of
a light sleep, she woke to Benito quietly entering the lean-to, a plate of food in his hand. Adi said nothing as she fearfully watched him, his eyes wide as he looked at her wrist bound to the pole.
“What are you doing?” she asked when he moved to sit down beside her.
Benito hesitated. “I thought you might be hungry.”
“You shouldn’t be here.” Adi sat up and scooted away from him.
A mixed look of hurt and confusion passed over his face and he looked down at the ground, biting his lip as he avoided her gaze.
“Go,” Adi said, trying to ignore the pained expression. “Get out of here.”
“I’m sorry,” he replied, tears filling his eyes. “Whatever I did, I’m sorry. I won’t do it again, I promise.”
The guilt was too much to handle and Adi felt nothing but contempt. Unable to hide her anger, she yelled, “Go! Leave!”
Benito’s face scrunched up as the tears fell freely down his face and he turned and ran, dropping the plate of food on the ground.
Adi had never hated herself so much and she tried to shove the disgust down, but it was no use. Quickly cutting her wrist free, she ran out of the lean-to.
She fled through the jungle, tripping on rocks and roots as she put as much distance as she could between her and the camp. Low hanging branches and vines whipped her face but she tore through the trees feeling nothing, stopping only when her legs gave out, sending her crashing into the ground. She laid in the dirt, fighting for air while pain bubbled out of her chest. Not willing to return and face him, she reached up and grabbed onto the branch above her. Her weary arms shook as she pulled herself into the tree and began to climb, moving faster as the wood limbs sprouted out in clusters. She couldn’t remember the last time she had done this, but as she moved further up, she was reminded of how much she loved it. Each step towards the sunlight seemed to soothe her and once she reached the top, she was calm.
Adi inhaled deeply as her head emerged above the canopy, the breathtaking view of untouched earth before her. Lush jungle spread out as far as she could see in all directions, the green terrain only disrupted by rivers as they snaked their way through the trees, the water sparkling in the sunshine. Closing her eyes, she heard nothing but the familiar sounds of the jungle: the loud squawks of neo-coloured macaws and toucans, the howls and screeches of monkeys as they moved in packs below, the distant thunder of large rapids and nearby waterfalls. Up here by herself, the world was at peace. No one was sick, no one was dying, and no one was pointing a gun at anyone else. Up here she was safe; he was safe.
The thought broke her from her concentration and she opened her eyes, staring back out across the tree tops. At first the idea seemed unthinkable—she could never do that—but the more she thought about it, the more she became convinced that she didn’t have a choice. By the time she climbed down from the tree, she knew what she had to do.
Over the next few days, Adi avoided everyone as she collected the things she needed. She found a couple discarded shirts and tied them into a small sack, filling it with dried fruit, roots, and leaves. Stripping off some tree bark, she managed to make a small water container, sealing it together with sap and attaching a thick vine for a strap. There was only one thing left to get and she knew exactly where to find it.
That night, she quietly left her shelter and walked into the main hut. Besides the table and stools, two wooden chests furnished the room off to the side against the shelter wall. Carefully removing the books stacked on top, Adi set them onto the table and opened the first box. While she wasn’t exactly sure where the map was, she knew it was in here somewhere. Salvador had pulled it out a few times when they were discussing patrols. Every time he learned something new, he would mark it on the map before returning the drawing to the chest. Not only was it full of geographic information such as waterfalls, large unnavigable rapids, and ravines, it also had the locations of the villages in the area. If she wanted to get out of the jungle, she needed that map. She was sifting through a pile of papers when she was startled by a voice behind her.
“What are you doing?”
Almost jumping out of her skin, Adi turned around. The darkness hid his face but she didn’t need to see it to know he wasn’t pleased.
Rodrigo walked forward and stopped about a foot in front of her, grabbing the papers out of her hand. “What are you doing?” he repeated.
Knowing there was no way she was getting out of this, she quietly said, “I need the map.”
He hesitated. “Why?”
Adi awkwardly shifted her weight onto her other foot. She hadn’t planned on telling anyone until the moment she left, not wanting them to try and stop her. She was thinking of how to explain it when his voice interrupted her.
“Why?” he asked again, more demanding.
“I’m leaving.” The confidence in her voice surprised even her. Rodrigo’s brow furrowed in confusion and she continued. “I don’t know the way so I need the map.”
Adi looked at his bewildered face. She wasn’t surprised he didn’t understand—no one did. It was more than just the camp. It felt like the jungle was closing in and she could feel the pressure as it grew heavier by the day.
“I can’t stay here,” she said. Her voice cracked. “I just can’t.”
The confusion left his face. The entire camp knew what she had done, and she was certain they heard her screaming at night. Whenever she walked by, she could feel their mistrusting and judgemental looks.
“What about Benito?” Rodrigo asked, his agitation returning. “He loves it here. You can’t just take him away.” As soon as he saw the look on her face, he said, “No, you can’t do that. You can’t leave him behind.”
Adi remained quiet, knowing there was nothing she could say to make it better.
“He’s your brother,” he said.
“It doesn’t matter.” She could no longer hide her frustration. It wasn’t like she hadn’t tried to think of another solution. This was the only way she could keep Benito safe.
“Of course it matters!” Rodrigo said. “You’re his family. You can’t just abandon him.”
Adi cringed at his words, the memory of her mother sending a spike of guilt through her. “I can’t take him with me.”
“Why not?”
While it was the last thing she wanted to say out loud, she knew she had to. “Because,” she said, her voice barely audible, “I’ll kill him.” Her words hung in the air like thick humidity and even though she didn’t think it was possible, she hated herself a little bit more.
“You won’t.”
Adi shook her head in resignation. She had had this conversation with herself many times and she always came to the same conclusion. “He’s safer here without me.”
Unable to take the condemning silence, she turned and walked out of the hut.
•
She didn’t sleep a wink that night, trying to find a solution to her problem. She needed that map and without it, she would never get out. She was sitting beside the river the next morning when Rodrigo walked up.
Adi ignored him and continued washing her face, the water cooling her tired eyes.
“Where you gonna go?” he asked.
She said nothing as she looked across the river, the early morning sunshine making the water sparkle and dance. “Why does it matter?”
He sighed in annoyance. “Because maybe I can help you.”
Surprised, she looked up at him warily. “How?”
He ignored her, staring straight ahead and so she stood, giving him her full attention.
“Tell me where you’re going.”
Adi relented. “The city.”
“Why?”
“My aunt lives there.”
Rodrigo nodded and looked out across the river. “I’ll make you a deal,” he said eventually, looking back at her. “If you swear to come back for Benito after you find her, I’ll give you what you need.”
Adi considered his offer. While the thought of returning t
errified her, never being able to leave was worse. “I swear.”
Rodrigo reached into his pocket and took out a piece of paper.
Unfolding it, a surge of happiness rushed through her. While it wasn’t the map Salvador had, it was almost an exact copy, complete with directions on how to get out of the jungle.
“When are you leaving?”
Adi carefully folded the map. “Tomorrow.”
“What are you gonna tell Benito?”
She hadn’t figured that out yet. While she knew she would have to tell him something, she didn’t know what she was going to say. The last time they spoke, she had yelled at him and she wasn’t sure how he would react to her. “Will you look after him for me? ‘Til I get back?” she asked, ignoring his question.
Rodrigo nodded. “I’ll watch him.”
The day passed faster than Adi wanted. While she was desperate to get out of there, she dreaded talking to Benito even more. When the sun set, a vivid display of yellow and orange, she knew she was out of time.
She found him near the edge of the camp and as she approached, she watched as he scampered up a tree.
“Did you see?” Benito asked the small girl on the ground.
The girl nodded eagerly as he climbed back down and when his feet hit dirt, he spotted Adi.
“Adi,” Andressa said with excitement, following his gaze. “Benito’s teaching me how to climb.”
She couldn’t help but smile. Andressa was nothing like she had been when Rodrigo placed her limp body into her arms that day. She was unafraid of anything and as soon as she had recovered, she became Benito’s little shadow.
“Watch,” Andressa said. She began climbing the tree enthusiastically, mimicking Benito.
She climbed higher and higher into the tree, but as soon as she was out of sight, Adi turned to her brother.
He didn’t acknowledge her, instead looking up at Andressa in the tree.
“I’m leaving tomorrow,” she said, knowing there was no other way to tell him.
Las Hermanas Page 4
