“There’s no emergency,” I said quickly as I tried to pull the dildo out of me. In my panic, I must have been tense, because I couldn’t get it out. I pressed the red button again, hoping it would hang up the call.
“Maam? Is everything okay?”
“It’s fine!” I shouted. “I just can’t figure out how to hang up the fucking dildo, okay?”
“I’m going to send a trooper, just to be safe.”
“No, you idiot! I just--don’t send anyone. I’m fine.”
“Just stay on the line with me. Officers will be arriving in a few minutes.”
I let loose every swear word I knew as I tried to get the stupid thing out of me, but it wouldn’t budge. The more I panicked, the more it felt stuck. I spent a few minutes ignoring the woman on the phone as I dug out some lube and tried to ease it out of me, but still couldn’t make any progress.
Then I heard a car door in the driveway. Keys rattled downstairs in the front door, and I heard footsteps coming up the stairs.
“Honey, I’m back! Where’s my kiss?”
“Fuck,” I muttered.
"Is everything okay, ma'am?" the voice blared from my crotch.
Now that Walter was home, I realized how incredibly loud the speakers in the dildo were.
“Shut up!” I hissed. “He’ll hear you!”
I threw on a bathrobe and hurried out into the hallway as fast as I could with an oversized dildo stuck inside me.
“Hey,” I said. I tried to sound casual and smooth, but there was a hitch in my voice.
Walter smiled and wrapped me in a hug. "Still in your bathrobe? That's not like you."
“Well, it has been a lazy morning.”
We both turned toward the front of the house at the sound of police sirens and car doors opening and closing.
“What is that?” Walter asked.
“I’ll get it. Don’t over-exert yourself, honey.” I kissed his cheek and smiled before limping down the stairs and toward the front door.
I opened the door before they could knock, sticking just my face out. Two burly officers were looking back at me with concerned looks on their faces.
“It’s okay, officers. Just misdialed the number. I tried to tell the operator, but she wouldn’t take the hint.”
“It’s my job to call the police in situations like this, Maam,” chimed a voice from inside my vagina.
I clenched my legs together and felt my eyes widen.
The officers shot me puzzled looks.
“Where is that coming from?” asked one of them.
“It’s a smart home,” I said. “Speakers everywhere.”
“It sounded like it was coming from you, ma'am. Is it okay if we come inside?"
“No,” I said. “It’s not okay. I’m perfectly fine here.”
I wanted to pull my hair when I saw Florian’s car come pulling into the driveway. He got out quickly and came rushing to the door at the sight of the cop car and the police.
“What’s going on?” Walter asked from behind me. “Oh, hi, Florian,” Walter said when he saw Florian come up the stairs beside the officers.
I felt like screaming. The dildo inside me had started vibrating softly, but now it was getting more intense, and I was having trouble thinking straight. “Everybody should just go home, okay?”
The officers exchanged a look.
“Are you okay?” Florian asked.
“I’m fine!” I shouted. There was a gut-wrenching feeling as the weight of the dildo and the vibrations finally jarred it loose. The entire thing slid out of me and flopped to the ground between my legs where it was buzzing and rotating slowly on the ground.
“Should I dispatch another team of officers?” asked the dildo.
I pressed my palms to my eyes. In a flash of rage, I thought back to the card attached the package. L and L. Lilith and Liam. I knew it was them.
Epilogue
I'd never been a big Christmas guy in the past, but this year, I had someone to celebrate it with. Even though Lilith claimed she thought Christmas decorations were for "those dorks who wear ugly sweaters and go door to door caroling," she didn't complain when I came home with boxes of decorations to put up in the apartment.
William Chamberson was throwing a “Christmas Eve Bash” at his place, and he had invited us. After seeing his whipped cream birthday suit, I was admittedly a little reluctant about agreeing to go, but Lilith said her best friend and her husband were flying in from Paris to be there, so I couldn’t say no.
We took an elevator up to William’s apartment on Christmas Eve. Lilith was wearing a huge, grass-green sweater with a plush unicorn covered in glitter that was sewn to look like it was bursting out of her chest in Ridley Scott Alien-style.
“Weren’t you the one talking about ugly Christmas sweater wearers like they were the plague just a week ago?” I asked. My own sweater was covered in LED lights and probably a fire hazard, but it fit the ugly bill too well to pass up.
“I’m wearing it ironically, so it doesn’t count.”
“Yeah, but everybody wears them ironically. So…”
“I’m making fun of the people who wear them ironically. It’s meta. If you don’t know what that means, you can ask Grammy.”
I laughed. “The first thing I learned about Grammy was that you don’t ask her questions. So no thanks. I’ll just trust you on that.”
I was surprised to see the party in William’s apartment wasn’t packed. I had expected hundreds of guests, but it looked like he’d instead opted for family and close friends.
Hailey, William’s wife, was helping Bruce’s wife, Natasha, move plates of food from the kitchen to a large dining room table. Grammy was sitting at the table next to an elderly, stooped man. William was in front of a huge wall-mounted TV and was wearing what looked like virtual reality goggles and holding controllers in both of his hands. Bruce was standing by with a bored look on his face as William excitedly described the game he was playing while swinging his arms around. From the looks of it, he was bashing and slashing at waves of caveman-like men in a gladiatorial arena in the game.
Lilith rolled her eyes at him. “He has been buying the dumbest stuff. He does this every Christmas. It’s like he doesn’t understand the concept, and he just starts buying whatever he can think of for himself for weeks leading up to Christmas.”
“I understand the concept,” William said, raising his voice from the living room. “But I also have impulse-control problems. There’s a difference. Besides, I saved the biggest present for tomorrow morning. It’s a baby elephant. I had to call in some favors, and I only get to keep it for a few weeks, but yeah. I get to have a baby elephant in my apartment—” he paused, ducking his whole body as he swung his arms around to fight off a group of men in his game. “Technically it’s not exactly legal, but as long as nobody finds out, we’ll be good.”
Hailey paused at the table, eyes darting toward William. “A baby elephant?” she asked.
I expected her to start yelling at him, but she jumped up and covered her mouth as she let loose an excited squeal. “Oh my God. Seriously? Is it small enough to cuddle?”
“You can cuddle the shit out of it," William said. "I thought we could knit it some sweaters and stuff like that. Maybe little hats, but I don't know if they have enough of a head for a hat. Maybe trunk sweaters. That would be hilarious, right?"
Grammy sighed and nudged the man beside her. “You hear this, Earl? My grandson-in-law is why you don’t give millions of dollars to idiots. Can you imagine the world if more people like him had money? We’d all be fucked.”
Earl nodded, his cloudy eyes unfocused and distant. “You know,” he said wheezily. “My parachute got caught in a tree on D-Day. I was stuck up there for three damn days before anybody cut me down.”
Grammy looked at the ceiling and mouthed something. “Earl, you never fought in any wars. You have flat feet and you got out of the draft, you wheezing, old, wrinkled dick. The most interesting thing you’ve ever done is shit
somebody else’s pants, and that was before you were senile.”
“I’m not senile. I just think you’re sexy when you’re worked up,” Earl laughed as he coughed out a barking laugh.
Grammy grinned. “You’re damn right I am.”
Emily and Ryan arrived a few minutes after us. I expected them to be decked out in European-styled clothing, because almost everyone I’d ever known who spent more than a few weeks in Europe seemed to like coming back and making some kind of bold, obnoxious fashion statement. When I saw they were dressed relatively normal, I decided I already liked them.
Ryan shook my hand and smiled while Emily went to say hi to Lilith. “So you’re the one who tamed Lilith, huh? You do look kind of capable,” he said, sizing me up. “Still, I didn’t think anyone could do it.”
“Doubt they can. I didn’t tame her. It’s more of a give and take kind of thing.”
"Makes sense. Sometimes I think that's how it is with Emily and me."
Ryan went off to talk to Hailey and Grammy a little while later, and I was surprised to see Lilith wrapping Emily in a tight hug. When they pulled away, Lilith’s eyes even looked a little watery.
“I missed you and your stupid face,” Lilith said.
Emily had full-blown tears in her eyes as she laughed. “If I’d known I just had to leave the country to get you to be so affectionate, I would’ve done it a long time ago.”
“Yeah, well, don’t get used to it,” Lilith said. “Next time I might just poop on your pillow.”
She glanced over at me and saw the horrified look on my face, then cracked a smile.
“Okay, yeah,” Lilith said. “Out of context, I can see how that would be weird. It’s a cat thing? Inside joke… Or maybe we can just pretend I never said it.”
I grinned. “Not judging.”
Eventually, Lilith wandered over toward the TV where William was playing his game. “That actually looks kind of cool. Can I try?”
Bruce looked relieved, and he took the opportunity to quietly back away.
William happily helped Lilith get the headset on and within minutes, she was snarling as she hacked off the heads and arms of poor, cartoon gladiators.
William nudged me. “She’s a natural. It took me a few hours to get the hang of it.”
“Yeah. It’s kind of scary how good she is at dismembering people. I always thought all the stabbing stuff was just a joke.”
“She does like to joke about stabbing people. Doesn’t that freak you out when you guys fight? You know? I’d be worried she was going to come after me in my sleep or something.”
“We don’t really fight, actually.”
"Ah," William said, nodding wisely. "You should try it. It's more fun when there are fights. Makeup sex and all that. She does do sex, right?”
“I can hear you,” Lilith growled. “And don’t answer that, Liam, or we’ll have our first fight.”
On Christmas day, Lilith and I decided to have our own celebration. I thought long and hard about giving her an engagement ring as a present, but I decided it didn’t matter how ready I was. What mattered was her. For all her joking with Emily, Lilith really was like a cat. If I pushed too hard and too soon, I worried I could scare her off. So instead of wrapping the ring I’d bought and giving it to her, I promised myself I’d wait. At least for another month, even if it would still be fast by all normal standards. Part of me wanted to let her finish her classes for business school so I could combine the proposal with the start of her new career, but I didn’t think I’d be able to wait that long.
The weather was perfectly cooperative and we woke to a view of New York City coated in a soft blanket of powdery white snow. From sixty floors up, we couldn’t hear the honking horns or feel the frustration of those down below trying to drive their way through the snow. Instead, we had the picture-perfect view and the soft sound of Christmas music playing across the sound system.
Lilith was wearing the PJ’s I’d given her, which were covered in a print of Santa wearing a biker-themed suit and riding motorcycles, along with some depictions of him blowing things up with grenades and machine guns. Little by little, Lilith was smiling more and seemed less afraid to be happy in front of me, but I still knew she preferred irony over sincerity more days than not.
“I’m going to admit it,” she said as we sat down in front of the tree with warm cups of coffee. “This is the most perfect Christmas I’ve ever seen. This would totally be like a scene from some Christmas commercial or Hallmark movie.”
“And does my dark, sarcastic Lilith feel like she’s trapped in a nightmare because of it?”
“No. Not at all.” She gave me a crooked smile, clutching her cup from under her baggy sleeves where only her fingertips were visible. “I feel like I have permission to enjoy this, if that even makes sense. Like you taught me to give myself permission, I guess?”
“I’ll accept the credit.”
She chewed her lip and stood to grab a small package from under the tree. It was in a purple box that looked suspiciously familiar to the one that had been put in my mailbox by mistake a month ago—the one that had in many ways been the spark to start everything between us. “This is for you,” she said. “I got you some other stuff, but this one is kind of the doozey.”
“You got me a dildo? You shouldn’t have… Like, seriously. I’m not going to judge, but I really don’t have any desire to use this on myself, so—”
“Open the package, you idiot.”
I smirked, then pulled at the bow. I felt my eyebrows squeeze together when I saw what was inside.
A pregnancy test. A positive one.
“That shouldn’t be possible,” I said quietly. “We’ve used protection.”
“Apparently you have highly determined sperm, because this is the fourth one I took, and they all say the same thing.”
“This is yours?”
“No,” she said dryly. “I stole a pregnant ladies piss, splashed it on this, and thought it’d be a cool Christmas present. Yes, it’s mine, and you had better start talking about how excited you are soon or I’m going to get self-conscious.”
I sat back on the couch, looking down at the test with a stunned look on my face. “A baby?” I asked.
“Yes. Sex causes pregnancy. Then pregnancy causes babies. If you’re still trying to figure it out, babies are those little, hairless things that turn into people.”
I reached out and pulled her in to hug her. “I didn’t know I wanted a baby until right now,” I said into her shoulder.
She slid her arms around me and laughed. “Well, that’s good. Because you’re getting one, whether you want it or not.”
“I do,” I said. The words sparked something in me, and I pulled back from the hug, deciding suddenly that it wasn’t too soon.
I got off the couch and got on one knee, pulling the ring from my back pocket. “Sorry, I didn’t wrap it, but I was trying to wait so I didn’t scare you off. Now it looks like you’re stuck with me, so do you want to make it official?”
“That’s so romantic,” she laughed, bit she was smiling down at the ring. “I do.”
I slid it on her finger and stood back up to kiss her. Lilith wasn’t one for long, gushy hugs, but she didn’t complain when I held her tight and didn’t let go. I wanted to capture the moment and remember it just as it was, and her sarcastic ass could deal with it.
When I finally let her go, I remembered what I’d been waiting to tell her all day. “Since we’re doing good news,” I said. “I got a text from Florian this morning.”
“What, she’s going to sue us over the dildo?”
I laughed. “She hasn’t so much as sent me a passive-aggressive text since the dildo incident. I’m pretty sure we finally showed her we weren’t afraid to hit her back where it hurts.”
“I just wish Florian was still an inside man so we had more than the stolen police report to go off of. Although the line, “fell out of the subjects vagina with a resounding thump” makes me thi
nk the scene was dramatic enough to leave an impression on the officer. So we do have that.”
“We do. And now we have this. Florian is eloping with Celia. He came clean about the plan and about not really being a millionaire. She didn’t care, She actually loves him, at least as far as he can tell, and he says he loves her.”
Lilith looked at me like my eyes had fallen out of their sockets. “You’re serious?”
“Yes,” I laughed. “It wasn’t the plan, but, yeah. Instead of ruining her life, we apparently played matchmaker and did a damn good job. The only loser is Walter. I don’t even know if he has found out that she’s gone yet.”
“Walter was a dick. I looked up his track record when I was feeling guilty one night. It was a bunch of stuff about scandals and bribes. None of it completely stuck, but it seemed pretty clear he wasn’t a clean shooter.”
“Good. Then we can call this a total win, right? Celia finds the love of her life and probably won’t be a bitter, crazed maniac for the foreseeable future, which means she’ll probably leave us alone. Florian found someone equally sociopathic to be his match. It’s perfect.”
“Yeah,” she said, eyes falling to my lips where she traced their outline with her finger. “Perfect.”
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Thank you so much for reading! Whether you loved the book or not, it would mean the world to me if you left an honest review on Amazon. I read every single review and take them all to heart, even on older books, so it’s not just a great way to give me your feedback and help me improve, it’s also one of the best ways to support me and help me find new readers.
If the books in this series are the first you’ve read by me, most of my other work generally has less humor. I still slide moments in here and there, but these books have been a much-needed mental break for me where I can write about something that’s not as heavy while I get over some of the frustrating things I’ve been dealing with in the real world.
Hope you loved it!
P.S. I’m still deciding if there will be more books in this series. I’m going to let the reader response guide me one way or the other, so let me know if you want more!
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