A sudden pang of sadness stabs me in the heart, and I remember why I am here. It’s over. My relationship with Slávka is finished.
I lie for a moment in silence, staring at the ceiling and thinking about Slávka,… the way she used to look at me, with that wonderful, loving smile and eyes that sparkled in the sun.
Unfortunately, my thoughts are interrupted by Gail as she stirs beside me in the bed, the fingers of her hand moving gently upon my chest.
What have I done?
I quickly recall the events of last night in my mind, and I feel no satisfaction in what just happened. Instead, sleeping with Gail has solved nothing. It didn’t get me Slávka back, and waking up beside Gail just makes me realise how much I loved Slávka and how much I have lost.
I have to get out of here. I cannot be here any longer.
Gail moves again, and as her body turns a little away from me, I slip out of the bed, quietly picking up my clothes and leaving the bedroom. In the hallway I dress quickly, scribble a note on some paper by the phone and leave it on the floor so that she will find it, and then I slip out of the front door.
As I walk towards the tube station, the weight of the world seems to descend upon my shoulders and I feel physically sick. I just want to be alone now, to lock myself in my room, to shut myself off from the world. To close my eyes. To block out Slávka, to stop my brain from thinking about the last few weeks, to forget.
To forget Slávka and everything about her.
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Not able to face the tube journey home, I waive down the first taxi that passes and climb aboard.
“Morning guv”, the taxi-driver says, and realising that I don’t know what time it is, I quickly look at my watch and discover that it is 7.25 am. “Where to?”
“Clapham Junction please…” I say, settling into the back seat and closing my eyes.
.
The streets of London are empty at this time on Sunday morning, and the taxi glides with ease through the deserted streets, getting me to my flat within thirty minutes. I pay the bill and hurry up the stairs, trying to open the door to the flat as quietly as possible so that I can sneak in without waking up Guy. Closing the front door gently behind me, I turn and almost trip over a red suitcase in the hallway.
I stop in my tracks.
What…?
A jacket is resting across the top of the suitcase. A blue jacket.
Slávka’s jacket.
My heart starts to beat faster. I walk slowly into the flat, opening the door to my bedroom and peering inside. The room is empty.
A box of blue chocolates is resting on my pillow, the writing on the outside of the box in some language I do not understand. Slovakian.
I retreat out of the bedroom and tip-toe towards the lounge, my heart pounding within my chest.
She is fast asleep on the couch, her face serene and angelic, her beautiful hair curled up on her shoulders, her hands resting upon her chest.
As I walk into the room towards her, she stirs, her eyes open, and she smiles at me. And once again, in that simple gesture she makes me feel as if she has never been more pleased to see anyone else in her life.
“Andrew!”, she says, sitting up and reaching out to me. “Andrew. You make me so unhappy and so worried! Where have you been? I love you, my Andrew. I love you!”
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Chapter Forty Six
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I freeze, not knowing what to do, not understanding what is happening.
“Why are you here…?” I ask.
She gets up from the couch and comes and stands before me, lifting her hands up and resting both her palms gently against my chest. There are tears in her eyes now and she bows her head.
“I am here because I love you, my Andrew. And because I am so very scared that you are angry with me, and I do not understand why this is. I think there has been great confusion, and you are angry with me for reason that is very not right.”
“What do you mean? How am I meant to feel? You tell me! You tell me how I am meant to feel when I find out that the woman I have fallen in love with hook, line and sinker is just about to move back to Slovakia so that she can be with her boyfriend and work in the same hospital with him?” I almost shout at her, anger surging within me. “You tell me that, okay?”, I say again, lifting both her hands off my chest and pushing them away.
“No, no, you have big confusion! Mateg is not boyfriend that I sleep with or kiss. You are my boyfriend. He is boyfriend that is man and that is my friend, but not lover partner! Why do you think that he is man I sleep with? I tell you already that last lover I have is American who go back live in America.”
“I don’t understand….Mary, one of Sal’s nurses at work, she said that she knew you and Mateg, and that you were boyfriend and girlfriend…. You were very close…she said that….”
“Andrew, Mateg is very good friend of mine. We are very close. I know him since I am little girl in same town. And I think that soon I will be godmother for their baby. That is why he did want go home. For being with his wife who is pregnant!”
“He is married?”
“Of course! He has been married Gretka five years. I know Gretka long time too. She also very good friend of mine.”
“I…perhaps I got it wrong…maybe I misunderstood …Mary got me so confused…” I say, walking to the other side of the room and nervously looking out of the window at the street below, my mind racing. I turn to her, “But why didn’t you tell me that you were going to leave England and go back to Slovakia, or that Mateg had got you a new job in the same hospital as him? Why did you let me fall in love with you when you knew you were going to go back to Slovakia and leave England?”
“I only know you one month Andrew! I already plan go back in Slovakia for work in hospital for long time already, and hospital only offer me job two days ago after final interview. I not tell you about this because even before I fly and visit hospital I think that maybe I love you and I wonder what I do now…and then when you kiss me like no man ever kiss me before beside mountain stream and you make wonderful love with me in mountains, then I know you love me too. So I say ‘no’ to job. I tell them I not go back Slovakia and that I stay in England.” She is crying now, tears pouring down her cheek, her chest rising and falling quickly with her sobbing, her hands reaching out to me. “Andrew, why you not trust me? I want be here in England with you. I not go back Slovakia. I want stay with you and give us chance be together!”
A smile starts to spread across my face, the change in emotion within myself so quick and so dramatic that is amazes me. In an instant the dark clouds that have been pressing down on me are blown away, and Slávka is rushing into my arms, and I am holding her tight, so very tight, rocking her against my chest.
I am laughing now and Slávka starts to laugh too, the tears still running down her face.
“I’m so stupid, Slávka. So bloody stupid. I’m so sorry…”
“You big silly man…” she starts to say, but I interrupt her, kissing her passionately on the lips.
“I’m sorry, so sorry Slávka…” I say in between kisses.
I hug her close to me, squeezing her tightly against my chest, her hands wrapped tightly around me.
“Why….” Slávka starts to ask, “Why did you not trust me, my Andrew? I trust you completely! Why did you think I would go be with other man? Never,” she says. “I never do this. If you love someone this much, it not possible to ever sleep with someone else…”
.
The bathroom door is closed firmly behind me and I am sitting on the throne, my head in my hands, thinking as fast as I can.
What have I done?
How could I have been such a fool?
Why did I not trust her? Why did I not believe in her and believe that she was telling me the truth, that what we had was real?
Why did I choose to believe what Mary said, instead of what Slávka had told me? The words of a stranger versus those of the woman I love?
Shower… I need to have a shower…to get rid of every trace of Gail left on my body. I sniff my hands and realise I can still smell her on my fingers, and that my clothes smell of her perfume. Did Slávka notice the smell already? Will she have guessed that something happened last night?
Or will such thoughts not enter her head because she trusts me? And I just broke that trust!
My next thought hits me like a pile-driver: after everything I have been through, after Kate, and my mum being unfaithful, and after judging Sal for what she did, now I have done exactly the same. I’ve just been unfaithful to Slávka. I am no better than anyone else.
What right do I have to ever judge anyone again?
The water is cold as I step into the shower, but I don’t notice it. I scrub at my skin, soaping myself furiously, covering my body with a lather and removing it only to redo it over and over.
I scrutinise my penis in my hands, panicking when I notice that it is a little red and raw on the tip from last night's frantic coupling with Gail, and I pray that Slávka will not notice it.
.
There is a knock at the door. It is Slávka, asking me why I am taking so long. I can sense the hunger in her, and I know that she is desperate to get me into bed and find comfort and reassurance in my arms, perhaps in the same way that I so stupidly turned to Gail last night, when I felt so lost and so alone. But how can I sleep with Slávka and give her that comfort when I feel so rotten now? So bloody guilty for what I have done to her?
“I’m coming,” I reply. “I’ll be there in a moment….”
When I walk into the bedroom a few minutes later, she comes to me immediately and together we fall onto the bed. She whispers words in my ear that I do not understand, and she removes my towel and starts to kiss my chest.
Soon, very soon, the guilt that has engulfed me begins to subside, and in its place comes a wave of need and desire. Far stronger this morning than last night. Far stronger than I have ever felt before.
Far stronger…
.
We make love, and then afterwards for no reason that I can explain, I start to cry while I lie within her arms.
“Andrew, I love you. Neboj sa. Všetko bude vporiadku. Ĺu΄bim Ťa.”
And that just makes me feel worse.
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“Hey, so is everything okay?” Guy says as he pats me lightly on the back, when he comes into the kitchen as I am making some tea a little later.
“Yes. It is now. There was just a bit of a misunderstanding…”
“What happened? She turned up here early last night straight from the airport and she seemed to be really upset. She kept calling you on your mobile but you had it switched off, and then you never came home…I was getting worried too. Where did you go?”
“Don’t even ask. At least, not now. I’ll tell you about it later, but for now, as far as you are concerned, I stayed at my friend Ben’s house last night, okay?”
“What Ben from work? I thought you didn’t really like him?”
“I don’t. The guy’s a bastard, …but then again, maybe all men are.”
“I don’t understand you….”
“You don’t need to. Suffice it to say that he slept with another woman and that his girlfriend found out. It’s a right mess…”
“Bastard. You can’t trust anyone these days. I tell you what, if I found out that someone I loved did that to me, I’d ….”
“Remember Kate?”
“Oops. Sorry. I forgot about that…”
“It’s okay. But since you’re on the topic, what would you have done if you were me, when I found out about Kate? Say, for example, that you found out that Sal had done what Kate or Ben did? What would you do?”
Guy looks at me and without thinking answers straight away. “I’d do just what you did with Kate. I would never ever speak to her again. And if I was with her and she told me face to face, I’d just turn my back and walk away. I wouldn’t spend a single second more of my life talking to her. The moment I found out that she had been unfaithful she would instantly die in my mind. Then I’d go for a long walk, get incredibly drunk, and stay drunk for the rest of my life. If Sal ever did anything like that to me, I’d just die…”He breathes out heavily. “I’m sorry…I know it happened to you, and I never told you how I felt about it before because I knew it wouldn’t help you, and you were really going through it then, but you’re over it now. I mean, now you’re with Slávka? Anyway, why are you asking me the question?”
“Because…”, I start to reply, hastily trying to come up with a convincing answer. I turn to the kitchen door and close it gently. “Because last night I thought that it had happened to me again, ...I thought Slávka had been sleeping with her old boyfriend in Slovakia, and I sort of went off the rails ...” I see Guy staring at me in disbelief.
“What? Slávka?”, he interrupts me.
“…It’s fine now. It was just a big misunderstanding. I was really stupid. Something to do with me not being able to trust that a woman can really really love me, and all that crap. I guess I still have ‘issues’.”
“Big time, mate. And if you want my advice, you need to resolve any issues you’ve got and fast. Slávka’s lovely. She’s exactly what you need. If you lose her, you’re a prat.”
“I know. You don’t need to tell me…Anyway, where are you off to so early in the morning?”
“I’m just leaving to go and pick up Sal. She called me last night. Asked if I could come and pick her up earlier. She’s decided that she wants to give me her answer this morning, and I can’t wait. Look, I’ve got the ring!”
He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small blue box, opening it to reveal a beautiful solitaire diamond. Probably about a carat. Most definitely very, very expensive.
“Do you think she will like it?” he asks, once again seeking my reassurance.
“Absolutely…Are you that sure she will say yes?”
“Why shouldn’t she? And anyway, she’s seen it already, when I got down on my hands and knees in the Ivy…”
“Sorry, I forgot.”
He reaches past me into the fridge and pulls out a carton of orange juice.
“Okay, I’m off now. Wish me luck.”
“You’re leaving now?”
“Yes…”
“How are you getting there?”
“By taxi. She’ll be waiting for me at the entrance and we’ll pick her up and go straight back to her place.”
He opens up the carton of orange juice, drinks it quickly and tosses the container into the rubbish bin. Then he waves, turns and walks out.
.
--------------------------
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“Where are you going?”, Slávka asks, continuing in her eagerness to improve her English, as I come into the bedroom and hand her a cup of tea and immediately start dressing.
“I have to get up to the hospital immediately. Guy has just left to go and see Sal and I have to get to her first before he picks her up. I have to hurry.”
“Why? Why you must rush?”
“Because she wanted my advice about something and I gave it. The only problem is that I just realised that I gave her the wrong advice.”
“What about?”
“Sorry,” I reply, grabbing my wallet and slipping on my watch. “I promised I wouldn’t tell anyone, and I’ve probably told you too much already. Can you wait here until I get back? I really want to spend the rest of the day with you….we’ll do anything you want. Anything. I need to make it up to you for being so stupid last night.”
“No problem. I read and sleep some more. Then when you get back, I think you know what it is I want to do…”, and she winks at me.
“Guy’s getting a taxi from here to the hospital. What’s the quickest way to get there and beat him?”
“The best way,” she says, smiling at herself for remembering to use the word ‘the’, “is to catch undergr
ound tube. It is much quicker. Then run from tube station to hos…the hospital.”
“The underground?”, I ask, the mere mention of the word making me uncomfortable.
“Yes. It is only way you be quicker than Guy.”
.
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I run all the way from my house to Clapham Junction, and for once I am grateful that it is the busiest train station in the England, catching a train within two minutes towards London. I jump off at Vauxhall and run down the escalators, taking the moving steps two at a time.
I arrive on the platform, sweating from both exertion as well as fear. I had never suffered from anxiety or panic attacks before, but since the terror threat started my uneasiness and worries about being in London has grown out of control. Since the second wave of terror attacks I have not managed to travel on a single underground train. What I find strangest of all, is that each time I try to force myself to do it, the fear seems to have grown bigger than before, multiplying and escalating out of all proportion. I seem to be losing control of my own feelings.
As a train arrives at the platform I step forward to climb aboard, but find myself transfixed on the platform. I want to move, but I can’t.
The train doors close, and it shoots off into the tunnel without me.
I swear aloud, and shout at myself.
“What the hell is the matter with me? What is happening to me?”
I look at my watch. Blast. It’s late. If I don’t get the next train there’s no way I’m going to make it. Guy will get there first, Sal will tell him she slept with someone else, and Guy’s life will be ruined, and it will all be my fault.
I look at the sign hanging from the roof of the tunnel, indicating that the next train will be in two minutes.
Shit. What an idiot I am! Who am I to judge Sal and give her any advice? Last night I just slept with another woman, and I love Slávka more than any woman I ever met in my life before. I still love her. And what chance is there that I am going to admit to her that I just slept with someone else?
The Sleeping Truth : A Romantic Thriller (Omnibus Edition containing both Book One and Book Two) Page 35
