Lost & Found (1999)
Rating: 10 Beans
I have been thinking about writing a review of this film for some time now, seeing as how it is the new Worst Movie I Have Ever Seen in a Theatre. However, one fact stopped me and made me wonder if indeed I should post a review:
This is the first movie I have ever walked out of.
From what I could tell, David Spade plays a bitterly sarcastic little fellow who runs an Italian restaurant. He is having financial difficulties, and he has a fat guy working for him who is played by Artie Lange from Dirty Work. This much would be enough for most people to leave. After all, here is a Saturday Night Live alum doing the same joke he's been doing forever starring in a movie with a guy from another Saturday Night Live-guy movie.
Now let me explain my position. Despite myself, I liked Dirty Work. I think Norm Macdonald is hilarious. I had problems with that film, though: some of the jokes were embarrassingly awful, and it was directed by Bob Saget. I personally believe those two aspects of Dirty Work are directly related. I liked Artie Lange in Dirty Work. I thought he worked very well with Macdonald, and his timing was great. I also liked his work on Mad TV.
So, what was so bad about Lost & Found? Well...everything, from what I could gather in my fifteen minutes in the theatre. David Spade's sarcastic-guy bit is now horribly, horribly old. Artie Lange had obviously been recruited to take Chris Farley's place as the fat guy David Spade makes fun of. I did not so much as crack a smile because the movie was so bad. It is just awful. About the only interesting thing that happened that I saw was Florence from The Jeffersons (Marla Gibbs) using the phrase “cock-blocker.”
So there you are. Keep in mind that I am not a professional critic. I liked Dirty Work. I like Adam Sandler's movies. One of my biggest guilty pleasures is A Night at the Roxbury. Yet I could not stomach Lost & Found. Like Almost Heroes, Lost & Found is devoid of redeeming qualities. In short, don't see it. Even if someone else rented it and you didn't have to pay for it. And they offer you money.
Lovely But Deadly (1981)
Rating: 6 Beans
The opening credits of Lovely But Deadly are presented over a pretty much static shot of a high-school dance. In 1981. The music sounds outdated, the clothes seem a little wrong somehow. Suddenly, you realize you are about to watch a film that isn't going to be very good. The first clue? Here are actual lyrics to the theme song: “How low/ can they go?... How high/ can they fly?” *shudder*
Lovely But Deadly concerns a young lady named Mary Ann Lovett (Lucinda Dooling). Her friends call her Lovely. Yeah. At any rate, her brother drowns in a rather clumsily-established drug-related accident. Angry, Lovely decides to stop drugs in her high school any way she can, which includes killing off the only really likable character before the story even takes off. He calls himself Captain Magic, and has some incredible lines before Lovely shoves drugs down his throat and he dies in the hospital (from an apparent suicide).
There's a martial arts angle to the film, but it doesn't work very well. This is mainly due to the fact that our heroine has obviously not been trained in the secret arts, and her fight scenes are often clumsy and unintentionally funny. Eventually, members of the local (and apparently girls-only) dojo come on the scene to help Lovely out, and they look a bit more practiced.
Did I mention her boyfriend is in a Rock Band? Oh yes. One of my personal favorite parts of any bad movie is the Rock Band. This one plays during a class, which I guess is all right in Lovely's school. You know, have a Rock Band play instead of having class, that sort of thing.
Did I mention Lovely But Deadly is a white, virtually pacifist remake of Coffy starring Pam Grier? Oh yes. Of course, taking the “black” out of “Blaxploitation” creates problems. Mainly, no jive, no cool music, nothing that made the original what it was. Oh well. At any rate, Lovely But Deadly is fun to make fun of, and it's worth watching just for the horrible classroom rock concert scene.
Mac and Me (1988)
Rating: 7.5 Beans
Product placement is one of my favorite things in movies. See Double Team, wherein Dennis Rodman saves the day with a Coke machine. Witness Free Willy, which was also apparently completely financed by Coca-Cola. Some movies are clever about it, such as Happy Gilmore, and turn their product placement into a part of the plot. And then there's Mac and Me.
As far as I can remember, Mac and Me is the only film in history in which a musical number breaks out in MacDonald's during a birthday party for a wheelchair-bound boy. Also, Mac and Me is a by-the-numbers remake of E.T. with one huge problem: It is incredibly stupid, exists only for the product placement it utilizes, and basically is more unintentionally hilarious than any other kiddie movie I have ever seen.
Yes, I remember the days when I watched movies like this for making the honor roll at school. Like all such tripe, this movie is not worth watching on its own merit, but watched with the cynical eye of the truly demanding film buff, it can be the funniest movie of 1988. Mac and Me works on two levels, and two levels only: 1) A really long commercial and 2) A ridiculous attempt to capitalize on the success of a movie released a full 6 years earlier. The iron this film proposed to strike had been cooled for a good long time before Mac and Me hit the theaters. Oh well.
If the viewer can learn anything from watching Mac and Me, it is simply that enough corporate backing can get any movie made. Too bad that backing has to be put behind complete trash such as this. But such is life, as they say.
The Mummy (1999)
Rating: 5 Beans
Somewhere along the line, I guess it seemed like a good idea to someone to make this movie. And, truth be told, it's not absolutely terrible. The Mummy is entertaining and fun, but it is also incredibly stupid. This is not the kind of film you will want to actually pay full price to see. However, on video (at someone else's place, when you don't have to pay for it), The Mummy will be worth a look.
Before the “modern-day” action begins (the film, like Raiders of the Lost Ark, takes place in the 1920s), the audience is treated to a detailed origin story of where the mummy came from. Pharaoh's high priest Imhotep (Arnold Vosloo) is having a secret love affair with Pharaoh's woman Anck-Su-Namum (Patricia Velasquez). They kill Pharaoh and Anck-Su-Namum kills herself when approached by the Pharaoh’s guards. During a ceremony meant to bring her back to life, Imhotep is captured by Pharaoh's men. He is then punished by being bound in mummy rags and put into a sarcophagus with flesh-eating beetles, a punishment which apparently lasts forever.
Brendan Fraser plays Rick O'Connell, an American (I guess) in the Foreign Legion who discovers the ancient city of Hamunaptra where Imhotep is buried. Eventually, he comes into contact with clumsy librarian Evelyn (Rachel Weisz) and her drunken brother Jonathan (John Hannah). They then set out to find Hamunaptra before Beni (Kevin J. O'Connor), another guy from the foreign legion with whom O'Connell has an adversarial relationship, and a group of other Americans.
Yawn. Up until everyone in the 20's finds Hamunaptra, the movie is made up of bizarre and awkward slapstick humor with the occasional fight scene. Once the action moves to Hamunaptra, the mummy is unleashed and hijinks ensue, including some fairly impressive CGI special effects. In other words, the film is structured similarly to recent special-effects based films like Twister.
What sets The Mummy apart, though, is its sheer goofiness. Hardly a moment passes without a throwaway gag of some sort, and some of the characters and situations are likely to make more discriminating filmgoers uncomfortable. The biggest problem here is Beni, who by the end of the film is completely unbearable. Suffice it to say that his character's ultimate fate comes far, far too late.
On the other hand, it is refreshing to see Brendan Fraser in a film about a character from the past unleashed upon the present and not playing said character (see also Encino Man, Blast from the Past). Also, Rachel Weisz gives an admirable performance in what is basically a stock role (romantic interest). And, weak as any other part of the film is, the special e
ffects are sometimes very impressive.
Finally, though, The Mummy is just another in a long line of Hollywood action blockbusters that spend too much time trying to impress the audience with effects and cheap laughs. After seeing The Matrix, which is a Hollywood action blockbuster that actually has redeeming qualities (interesting ideas and direction, Laurence Fishburne), though, The Mummy is positively pedestrian.
The Nail Gun Massacre (1985)
Rating: 10 Beans
Goodness me. Even if you've seen hundreds of films, and you're certain you've seen that one film with the worst production, direction, acting, etc. etc., you're still likely to end up being surprised. I know I certainly was by Nail Gun Massacre. Before this, the worst movie I had ever seen was Poor White Trash II. Now, that classic has been completely beaten out by this complete trash. Incredible.
As you may have guessed from the title, there's a character with a nail gun who goes around killing people. Enough, you may have gathered, for the situation to be labeled a “massacre.” Now, in most low-budget horror crap, the killer says some dumb one-liner when he/she kills someone. Not in this film. After killing, the murderer hovers over his victim and says line after line, as though the writer just HAD to get all these GREAT lines in the script and couldn't bear to leave anything out. Combined with the difficult-to-understand voice (which I guess is supposed to sound menacing, but is just really annoying), these scenes are incredibly awkward.
But not nearly as awkward as the scene in the grocery store. You see, there's an old lady who works at the grocery store, and I guess the director probably asked her if she'd like to play the part of the checkout counter lady. Because she just happened to be working that day. She says her lines in a stilted, wooden manner (“I remember when we could sit outside on our porch and not have to worry about the mosquitoes and the killers.”), and for a brief moment, looks directly into the camera. By the time this scene was over, I was crying. I have not laughed this hard in a long time.
Giving away who the killer is isn't a bad thing to do, since anyone watching will have it figured out well before the film is over. However, the motives behind the killings are almost completely obscure: sure, he kills the rapists, but why the hitchhiker (who gets nailed to the road)? Why the girl on the street in the middle of town...in broad daylight? Massacre, indeed.
Unfortunately, this movie isn't very hard to find. I found it in two different video stores, which disturbed me terribly. I was hoping this was the only copy around. However, if you are aching to see the absolute worst filmmaking (both in a technical sense and an aesthetic sense), Nail Gun Massacre is your ticket.
The Paper Boy (1994)
Rating: 8 Beans
Any movie which features a red-haired little boy banging his head against a wall and saying, “God hates stupid children!” is an instant classic in my book.
Marc Marut plays Johnny, a young man with some issues to deal with. He is shown riding his bike, delivering papers in his neighborhood during the opening credits. In the next scene, he strangles some old lady. Oh well. Anyway, it turns out that this little incident of juvenile malfeasance is the first step in Johnny's master plan to snag himself a family.
Enter Melissa, played by Alexandra Paul (formerly of Baywatch). As it turns out, the old lady Johnny killed was Melissa's mother. Melissa comes to town and Johnny starts putting on a painfully sweet Friendly Paperboy act, which eventually gets him banned from Melissa's home.
This does not sit well with our young friend Johnny, who then goes wacky, what with his killing of people and all. Some of the other inhabitants of the small town Johnny terrorizes include Melissa's love interest Brian (William Katt, you know, The Greatest American Hero) and Mrs. Rosemont, who serves as the great American cinematic standby, the Character Who Knows How Evil The Boy Is But No One Listens To. The fact that Mrs. Rosemont is played by Frances Bay (Gramma from Happy Gilmore, the weird old lady ghost from Twin Peaks) only helps things out, as in a “nightmare” sequence, she gets to hold a flashlight up under her face and shout, “He's EVIL!”
The bottom line? If you're looking for a terrible suspense film, The Paper Boy delivers!*
*(I've always wanted to write for the National News Syndicate.)
Petticoat Planet (1996)
Rating: 8.5 Beans
No matter what reason you may want to see Petticoat Planet, chances are you'll be disappointed. A friend of mine rented this and Starship Troopers one night, so I had no choice but to watch both. This film is the story of a planet full of women, a planet where all the men have died in a mining accident years ago, and there is only one town in the whole world. This town is subtly named Puckerbush Gulch. I nearly left the room after seeing this.
One day, a spaceship crashes into the planet. The only person on board is something the women haven't seen in decades: a man. Now, lest ye get too excited, there isn't nearly as much sex as you might think in Petticoat Planet. Apparently, the producers wanted to make something that would appeal to fans of Westerns, Science Fiction, and softcore erotica. Also, they wanted it to be funny. The result is a movie that tries to do way too much with its one-joke premise and terrible script.
Just because the script is terrible, however, doesn't mean it isn't entirely without merit. While being questioned by the town sheriff (Lesli Kay Sterling of Cyberella: Forbidden Passions), the man is asked his name. About five minutes before this scene, I thought to myself, “His name better be Steve.” It just seemed appropriate. Sure enough, his name is Commander Steve Rogers (Troy Vincent of Team Knight Rider). At one point in this interrogation, he actually says, “Oh boy!” He is repeatedly referred to as “bitch” and “space boy,” which I also found tremendously amusing.
The principal conflict in the story is between the Sheriff and Mayor Delia Westwood (Elizabeth Kaitan, The Exotic House of Wax and Virtual Encounters). They both want Commander Rogers for themselves. Technically, though, I would think every woman in the town would want Steve, just to go along with the idea that a world full of women would be starved for men. Not so. However, the town bartender Lily (Betsy Lynn George, Lurid Tales: The Castle Queen) has her eye on him. She's the nice girl, though, so she doesn't have sex with him until the movie's nearly over.
Petticoat Planet was released by the same company that put out such direct-to-video movies as Femalien and Lolita 2000. If you are a fan of this kind of film, you may enjoy it. However, if you like movies that focus on such things as plot, dialogue, visual style (beyond “misty and sensual”), etc. you may want to watch something else. Like Crash.
Playing God (1997)
Rating: 3.5 Beans
The big marketing point for Playing God is, of course, that it's the first feature film starring David Duchovny since he started playing Mulder on The X-Files. Fans of Duchovny see him all the time on television, and they can rent any number of Red Shoe Diaries videos, but the idea was to draw those fans into the theatres. I don't think it worked very well, but Playing God isn't a terrible movie. Just one that's not as good as its ideas.
Duchovny plays Eugene Sands, a former doctor who lost his license after a patient died in surgery while he was on drugs. Eugene, that is, not the patient. Anyway, Eugene meets up with Claire (Angelina Jolie, Hackers) while saving a man's life after a bar fight. Claire is the girlfriend of crime boss Raymond Blossom (Timothy Hutton). Raymond summons Eugene to his luxurious home and offers him a job as a doctor for criminals who shouldn't go to hospitals.
Eugene decides to take the job, and before long is approached by FBI agents who need someone on the inside of Raymond's organization. As predictable as this is, it leads to a few twists later in the film. In between, we are treated to scenes such as Eugene being threatened at gunpoint by a drug-crazed thug because he can't help the extremely dead man in the thug's trailer.
While the film does have some interesting ideas, it ultimately feels too conventional to be really outstanding. David Duchovny has the perfect manner for his part, but his sense of humor a
nd comedic talent (showcased quite well when he hosted Saturday Night Live) aren't put to use nearly enough. And for those keeping score, Peter Stormare plays another Russian (remember Armageddon?). Playing God is somewhat entertaining, but most people would probably be better off renting The X-Files movie. Or Red Shoe Diaries 3: Another Woman's Lipstick.
Police Academy: Mission to Moscow (1994)
Rating: 7.5 Beans
The Police Academy series has never really been known for generating kind reviews. Dumb, juvenile, and mind-bogglingly predictable, each successive entry in the series has been less entertaining than the last (except, of course, the ones with Bobcat Goldthwait). So when Mission to Moscow was announced, you and all your friends thought you knew just what was going to happen.
But the problem with Mission to Moscow isn't that it's not bad; oh no, it's just not as entertainingly bad as the other movies. Michael Winslow never does a full-tilt Pac-Man impersonation. In fact, he hardly has lines. There's none of the things that could have made this movie a great end to a terrible franchise (well, “great” being a relative term). When the movie didn't end with a stiff Russian police officer saying, “Party down, comrades!” my friends and I almost wept.
The Unrepentant Cinephile Page 96
