“Audrey!”
She stiffened and turned, eyes widening as she caught sight of him on the outskirts of the college campus, bare-chested and the breeze tickling his nether regions beneath the towel wrapped precariously around his waist. He gripped the fabric tightly with one hand.
“Ronan, for God’s sake…” She shook her head. “You’re practically naked.”
“I don’t care.” He took several long strides toward her.
“But the college might.” She scrubbed a hand over her face. “I can’t… This is ridiculous.”
“No, it’s not. I couldn’t let you walk away without making something crystal clear.” He sucked in a breath and braced himself as a couple walked past, their eyes almost popping out of their heads. He ignored the giggling and focused his attention on Audrey. “I like you a lot. I…I care about you.”
“I care about you, too, Ronan,” she said, her expression so sincere and so serious his heart squeezed. “But that doesn’t make us compatible. It doesn’t make our lives compatible.”
“We are compatible,” he said stubbornly. “As for our lives, we have time to figure it out. It’s not like I’m leaving next week.”
She shut her eyes for a moment, as if gathering her strength. “But you will leave.”
“How can you know that when I don’t even know what’s going to happen next?”
“Because people like you always leave places like this.” She shook her head. “And if you left next week, it would hurt like crazy. How is it going to be in a year’s time? If it hurts now, it’s going to decimate me in a year. I can’t risk that. I can’t risk more loss.”
But there was already loss.
He was losing her. He could feel it as clearly as if water was running through his fingers.
“I know it hasn’t been long, but being with you has changed me,” he said. “I never wanted a relationship. I never wanted to have someone in my life because I couldn’t understand why anybody would hand over power to another person like that. Hell, not only did I not want it, I didn’t think I was capable of it.”
“Of course you’re capable of it,” Audrey said softly.
“My ex told me I wasn’t.” He’d never told anyone about that breakup, about the shame he felt in being called the same things he’d accused his mother of: unfeeling, selfish, self-absorbed. “She said that loving me was like trying to coax affection from an inanimate object and it required someone with more persistence than I deserved.”
Audrey’s jaw twitched. In spite of their argument, he could see the words affected her. “That’s not true.”
“I thought it was. I thought I was exactly like my mother—that I was created in her image to be a loner who hurt anyone who tried to get close. So I kept to myself. I worked myself into the ground because that was my safe space…until you.”
Audrey’s eyes glimmered, and she shook her head. “You’re making this harder.”
“I need you to know that you’ve affected me. You’ve fundamentally changed my perspective on the world. I never understood the purpose of personal sacrifice before you. And even though I think you can have everything you want, I respect the love and devotion you have for your family.”
She sucked on the inside of her cheek and looked skyward as if she might find answers there. It was obvious she was trying her hardest to keep control—because that’s what Audrey did. She kept things on an even keel, never letting things tip out of balance. Never pushing the boundaries. Maintaining equilibrium at all costs…and there were costs. He wouldn’t apologize for believing she could have more, that she deserved more.
Because she did.
“Then I need you to also respect the decision I’m making now,” she said softly. “I think you’re an incredible person, Ronan. I think you’re smart and ambitious and impossibly attractive. And I think you deserve more than what my life will entail. I won’t feel bad for the choices I’ve made to stand by my family, but I also don’t want those choices to limit you in any way. I like you too much for that. And I know I can’t be enough. So even if we have time now…”
She drew in a shaky breath, and it took everything in Ronan’s power not to haul Audrey against him.
“If we keep going along this path, when the time comes, I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle you leaving.” Her voice trembled. “And I won’t ask you to slow down your life. To stunt your possibilities.”
“You are enough, Audrey. The education thing… I don’t care that you didn’t finish high school. It doesn’t change anything between us. I only care that you’re holding yourself back from what you want. It has nothing to do with my criteria for a partner, because I never had any criteria for that. Hell, until you came along, I didn’t want a relationship at all.”
She looked at him long and hard, and Ronan’s heart thundered in his chest. His brain roared out at him to hold her tight and never let her go.
“I’m not walking away because I misunderstand why you’re trying to help me. But…” She sucked in a breath. “It also made me see that it takes more than two people sharing interests and physical chemistry to be together. Our approaches to life aren’t compatible. I’m not a lone wolf, like you. I can’t walk away from my family the way you did.”
Oof.
The comment struck him in the chest like the sharp poke of a cattle prod.
“My life isn’t my own. Not yet, and I’m okay with that. I know that’s not how you live…and that’s an irreconcilable difference. I won’t hold you back, and you can’t drag me out of this situation.” She bobbed her head. “So, that’s it. A dead end.”
“You won’t even talk about this anymore?” His head pounded, and he raked a hand through his hair. More people trickled onto the college grounds now, as one of the parking areas was close by, and everyone who walked past stared at them. “Can’t we hash this out?”
“We’re not going to see eye to eye on this.” She blinked, and he caught the glimmer of tears being held back. “And it’s too painful.”
But the pain was worth it to him. What they had was worth the emotional cuts and bruises from fighting their way to a solution. But they could only do that together, as a team.
“I’m sorry.” For a moment, it looked as though she might lean in and touch him, but then she turned and walked away.
He stood there, the air cooling his skin and the breeze reminding him that he was way too underdressed to be out in the open. But none of that mattered. He was numb. Frozen. At a total and utter loss.
Because the only woman to ever stir his heart was gone.
Chapter Twenty-Two
For the rest of the week, Audrey was in a fog. Which, for someone who needed to juggle adult tasks like a master Cirque du Soleil performer, was not a good thing. Audrey’s brain was, as her aunt would say, more useless than a pen with no ink.
But she would persevere. Push on. Do the things. Be strong.
Make adulting her bitch.
At least, that was the plan. The plan, however, came crashing down when a perfect storm of things collided like bumper cars driven by an army of drunk toddlers. It started with a very unwelcome customer entering the Kisspresso Café.
Holly, one of the new trainees, looked up from the cash register. “What the—?”
Her surprise was cut off by an angry bleating sound and the stamp of hooves, which caused one of the customers waiting in line to shriek in surprise.
“Dammit, Lily! What are you doing in here?” Audrey put the jug of milk that she was frothing down and motioned for Holly to take over. Digging her phone out of the pocket in her apron, she hit call.
At this point, the whole town of Kissing Creek had Devon Huxley’s number on speed dial. No matter what he did to keep Lily in her paddock, that damn llama figured out an escape route.
Audrey’s call was answered with a gruff, “Yeah?”
“Your llama is out again,” she said with a frustrated sigh. “Kisspresso Café.”
“I’m coming now. Keep her there.”
Audrey ended the call and shoved her phone back into her apron with a grunt. “How the heck is it our job to wrangle his misbehaving llama?”
Customers had backed away from the grumpy animal, who was swinging her head back and forth as if trying to figure out who her next target was. But Audrey had a secret weapon—a secret llama-disarming weapon. She crouched down behind the glass pastry display counter and found the leftovers of yesterday’s stock. This stock didn’t get served to customers, obviously, but ever since they discovered the llama had a taste for day-old bran muffins, they kept one or two whenever possible…just in case.
“Here, Lily-girl,” Audrey said, making a kissy noise. “I’ve got your hard-as-a-rock, disgusting day-old muffin.”
She held it up in front of her, and the llama’s head immediately swung in her direction. Maybe this was a bad idea. While the muffins worked to get Lily out of the store, Audrey was convinced she now knew that Kisspresso was the place to go for treats.
Lily’s black lash-fringed eyes locked onto the muffin.
“If you spit on anyone, then no muffin for you.” Audrey waggled a finger at her. “Now get your furry butt outside.”
The llama stood stubbornly in front of the counter. Okay, so it was going to be one of those days. They seemed to be happening more frequently of late. Or maybe it was that Audrey was struggling to see the good in the world anymore. Since the day she left Ronan Walsh standing in a towel on the Harrison Beech campus grounds…well, her world had been a lot less vibrant.
“I seriously don’t have time for this, Lily. Can you not be an asshole for one day? Please?” She sighed, and the llama stared at her intently. “Okay, fine. Have it your way. Excuse me? Person in the red shirt, can you open the door and hold it for a sec?”
The student standing by the door looked on in bewildered silence, nodding mutely and inching along the wall so she could pull the door open. Audrey drew her arm back, remembering everything her school sports teacher had instilled in her during her time playing second base on the high school softball team.
“Get out of the way, everyone,” she said. “One, two, three…”
She released the muffin, and it hurtled through the café, straight on target to where the door was open. Lily’s head whipped around, and just as she was about to bolt through the door to chase her snack—
“Oof!” Devon Huxley stepped right into the path of the flying muffin, and it hit him smack between the eyes, knocking him backward out of the doorway.
Lily stamped her feet and chased after the muffin, which had bounced on the ground outside.
“Oh my God.” Audrey pushed through the swinging door separating the dining area of the café from the staff area and jogged outside. “I am so sorry!”
Devon was on the ground, pushing himself up into a sitting position and shaking his head. “What part of Kisspresso’s mission involves throwing food at customers?” he said peevishly.
“Technically, you’re not a customer, and neither is Lily.” Audrey reached down to help him up, but he waved her hand away. Typical. Devon thought he could do everything himself—except keep his damn llama in check. “She’s a menace.”
“She comes here because you all keep feedin’ her.” He stood and dusted his hands down the front of his jeans. Lily munched happily on the muffin beside them. “Now that she knows where to get muffins, she’s going to keep coming back.”
“What am I supposed to do, let her terrorize my customers? She spit in someone’s latte last time.”
He grunted and didn’t respond. For some reason, and even though Audrey had never gotten pissy with Devon before, something snapped inside her. Maybe she’d officially reached her capacity for dealing with other people’s crap. Maybe after a week of trying to ignore the yawning ache inside her, she didn’t have anything left over to keep her emotions in check.
“I am sick and tired of people not taking responsibility in this place! She’s your llama. Figure out a way to keep her locked up.” She jabbed Devon in the chest.
Which was a mistake, just like throwing a muffin like she was trying to get a double play was a mistake. Lily took the motion as a slight against her owner and immediately trotted over to defend him. She nudged Audrey with her head, startling her and knocking her off-balance. The ground was slippery from the rain overnight, and the worn tread on Audrey’s sneakers was no match for muddy ground.
She slipped straight back and landed on her butt right in a puddle. Immediately, the water soaked through her jeans and the strings on her apron, splashing Devon’s boots in the process. Like a gentleman, even though she probably didn’t deserve it, he leaned down and offered her a hand and helped her up.
“She’s mighty protective, this one.” Devon patted Lily’s neck. “Come on, girl. You got your muffin, so let’s go home and stop causing people trouble.”
Audrey watched him lead the llama away, and when she looked down at her legs, she knew there was no way she was going to be able to finish her shift. Shoulders slumped, she headed back toward the café’s door to organize a replacement. Then she’d go home and change.
Twenty minutes later, Audrey found herself driving around in circles, unable to head home. Her boss had given her the rest of the day off, but the thought of having to head home and face her father… She didn’t have the mental fortitude for that right now.
There was something pent-up inside her—a frustration that had burrowed deep into her bones. A sense of sadness and loss and anger, like a gross mélange of all the emotions she despised most. Useless emotions. Defeating emotions.
Poisonous, hard-to-shake, scary emotions.
She never allowed herself to feel these things, because they would only stop her from achieving what she wanted to achieve.
But right now they bubbled close to the surface, hot and raw. Strong. Stronger than she’d ever felt those things before. Why? Losing Ronan had been like slicing open a part of herself that she kept locked away. Because he was the one person who made her feel like life had something more to offer than sacrifice and duty. Like she could be more than a barista and caretaker.
Like her dreams didn’t have to be corralled and kept under lock and key.
Audrey turned a corner, driving aimlessly, her hands white-knuckling the steering wheel. Tears pricked the backs of her eyes, which only stoked the fire inside her. Crying was of no use. But nothing would scrub the memories of Ronan from her mind. Every time her mind went quiet, she thought of him. Of his touch and his kiss and the passion and belief he had for her.
Of the sinking feeling in her stomach when she’d found his handwritten note.
Just as Audrey was about to turn the car around and head back toward home, Big Red made an awful clunking sound. Then it shuddered and lurched.
“Oh, not now,” Audrey groaned. “Come on, girl. You can do it.”
But Big Red couldn’t do it. Audrey managed to get the car mostly to the side of the quiet street, so that it wouldn’t block any oncoming vehicles. But the engine sputtered once more, and then it died. She let out a long sigh and rested her forehead on the steering wheel, counting to twenty before she tried to turn the engine over again.
It whined, wheezing like a lifelong smoker. Then nothing. This time, when she turned the key, there was nothing at all. No spark of life. Nada.
Big Red had finally kicked the bucket.
“Damn it!” Audrey let out a growl and slammed her fist down onto the steering wheel.
Where the hell was she? She’d taken one turn after another after another without really taking note of where she was going. All she knew was that it wasn’t close to home. When she looked up, a stone settled in the pit of her stomach. The street was quiet, peaceful, and leafy�
�and she knew exactly where she was.
The Kissing Creek cemetery stretched out alongside the road, a sprawling green lawn with vibrant blades of grass and tall trees shuddering in the breeze. Dappled light flickered across her windshield, and a leaf drifted down, landing on the glass and sliding until it settled against her wipers.
Audrey stared for a moment, her gaze catching on the elegant wrought iron fence that ringed the cemetery and the lines of neat standard roses and rows of plaques. For some reason, it felt like Big Red had brought her here on purpose. Pushing the door open, Audrey got out of her car and slammed the door shut, not even bothering to lock it.
Her feet carried her toward the entrance, almost as if of their own volition. The scent of flowers and wet grass and dirt hit her nostrils, and memories kicked up like ocean sediment disturbed by a strong wave. Shaking her head, she pulled out her phone and texted Nicole.
AUDREY: I’m having the day from hell, and Big Red finally gave up the ghost. I’m stranded at the cemetery. Can someone come get me?
Nicole immediately texted back that she’d be there in fifteen. What would she do without her? Guilt struck Audrey for the fact that she hadn’t seen Nicole much lately. She’d skipped their last hike to pick up an extra shift at Kisspresso, and she’d been slow responding to texts.
Fifteen minutes. Audrey shifted on the spot, not sure how to kill the time. There was nothing much in this part of town, just houses. Getting to Main Street would take half an hour on foot, so that wasn’t an option.
She ventured into the cemetery, her throat immediately tightening. A memory floated up in her mind—Georgie crying because she accidentally spilled the can of Coke Audrey had bought her while they waited for their dad to meet with the funeral director. The brown fizzing liquid had splattered all over the ground and left spots on Georgie’s favorite sneakers. Her tears had come fierce and free in only the way a small child’s can. Oliver had looked on, scowling, silent. He’d already started turning in on himself then, tragedy snuffing out the last of his childhood joy and wonder.
Kissing Lessons (Kissing Creek) Page 24
