A loud sob escaped her. Her hand hovered above Tash's shoulder. "I looked for him. I did. I looked as hard as I could with what we could spare." Allaysia clasped Tash's arm. "He forbade us to search for him, but I did it anyway. He's my little brother. I didn't want to lose him. I couldn't. But—" She inhaled sharply, taking Tash's hand in both of hers. Head bowed, she caressed his fingers. "But when I kept coming up with nothing, we took it as a sign. He'd either meant what he said—that we should never see him—or someone had killed him. I—I couldn't bear the thought of him as a corpse and neither could Mother and Father. We were disappointed, disheartened. My parents commanded me to stop. Father told me to accept our Little Bird had flown the nest completely and forever."
Allaysia leaned into Tash and stroked his hair, still holding his hand. "And you did. You fled, Little Bird, so far, so high, so many worlds away into the storm where we couldn't follow. All alone and so much more fragile than you realize you are."
"No," Mayr murmured, "he realizes it. He just forces his way through it. He has no one to make him stop."
"No one except you."
The words haunted Mayr as he stared at his hands, his fingers wrung together. He wanted Allaysia to be right. There were too many things he wanted to do for Tash—things Tash needed even if he never said as much. Things Tash would not accept without a fight, especially if they went against the ways of the priesthood. Were the Four even worth the trouble? Would Tash's sacrifices amount to anything good? Where was the Goddess of Love when She was needed most?
"There's something else. Things Taldris should know," Allaysia muttered. "The fact we stayed out of his business with the Shar-denn is one of the only things that's saved us. Yes, we were hurt after he left. They attacked us, our house, our shop, and we begged them to leave us alone, but Ress stopped it. He bought us our safety. I don't know how, but he did. We owe our limbs, our faces, our every breath to him. After that, the Shar-denn never touched us again, and we've kept to our own. 'Head down, eyes low,' as they say. They attacked the village but left us to him. He's our safe place. Inesta, too. He married her and they've never touched her." She laid her hand on Tash's chest. "Whatever you think of Ress, know he's done what he could. Little Bird needs to know that. His friend never stopped being family." Her brows drew together. "Just don't tell him until he's recovered."
Mayr nodded, saying little as they continued to dampen Tash's skin and nurse the fever. Time passed quickly, even with the strained conversations and Allaysia's occasional sniffle. When the door opened and Parase stuck her head into the room to announce dinner, Mayr peered out the window, surprised to find the thin threads of sunset laced across the sky.
"Coming?" Allaysia asked, joining her mother in the doorway.
"I'll be there shortly." Mayr glanced at Tash's face. "I just need to…" The rest of the words lodged in his throat. He needed many things, none of them what he should feel, want, or have.
Parase closed the door. In the silence, Mayr listened to Tash's slowed breaths. Even Tash's heart had found a relaxed pace. His skin looked better.
"I'm sorry I interfered," Mayr said, gliding his fingertips down Tash's cheek. "But I'm not sorry I tried to stop them. You deserve better, even if you don't believe it."
Tash breathed deep. His eyelids fluttered, eyes moving rapidly beneath them. As his lips parted, Tash opened his eyes and fought to focus. Confusion flashed across his face.
Mayr jumped to his feet, knocking over the stool. He wanted to say a hundred things, all of them at the same time. "Stay there. Don't do anything. I'll get your mother. We need to get you to drink—"
"Wai—" Tash caught Mayr's hand. "Why?" he demanded hoarsely, his dry voice cracking. "You. This. Why?"
What can I possibly tell you that won't make this worse? Mayr bit the inside of his cheek, stuck on the words he wanted to say. There was such a thing as too much truth. "It wasn't right or fair," he replied finally. "It certainly wasn't just." He tried to pry his hand from Tash's. "I wasn't going to let any friend of mine go through that."
"No." Tash clutched Mayr's fingers tighter. "Why did you? Real reason. No lie."
"Because." Mayr righted the stool and sat down. Holding Tash's hand to his chest, he stroked Tash's head, more to comfort himself than anything. He did not doubt Tash's stubbornness, even in his current state. But after Tash ignoring him, being hounded for honesty was a blessing. A gift he would cherish no matter how much it hurt. "Because… I'm in love with you." His gaze locked onto Tash's. "I've had time to think about it. All this time, I thought what I was feeling was just infatuation. I thought it would go away, but it never did. It just got deeper. The thought of you dying… I couldn't let them do it."
Tash stared at Mayr. A single tear slipped from his eye before he turned his face away.
"We'll be home soon," Mayr assured him, wiping the tear away. He could imagine the pain Tash was in, emotionally and physically. The experience was worthy of more than one tear. Then to hear me saying this—it's a wonder he can stand being awake at all. "Just a few days then we'll go and you'll be safe. Just a little while longer and I'll take you home. It'll be over soon, as if it never happened."
*~*~*
For the first time, being in a temple gave Mayr peace and happiness. Mostly because once he left, he would go home, a place where he was wanted and appreciated.
The strained words and lonely silence from Tash were driving him mad.
They had stayed with Tash's family for five more days after Tash first woke to give him a chance to heal and make amends. Mayr had lost count of the number of times Tash apologized to his parents and sister. Each time, they embraced him, drawing him further back into their family. By the time he left, Tash promised not to run from them again. He would check on them and they could see him, he said, his promise bound when he swore on the names of the Four. His soft-spoken words had drawn smiles and joyful tears from Parase and Allaysia while Kilienn had struggled to release Tash from a tight hug. Love bound the four of them, and they did nothing to hide it.
Love Mayr wished Tash would show him.
They were still distant and tense, similar to the day they had traveled to Araveena Ford. The trip home to Dahena had been just as awkward, even though Tash no longer ignored Mayr completely.
At least he's talking to me, even if they aren't great conversations. Still, he's trying not to say something. It's the same stupid game he was playing at my parents', except this time, he's barely looking at me at all. Would you just own up to it, already? Yell, curse. Fine, you didn't want to look bad in front of your parents. So go ahead, rip into me. Tell me I messed things up. Be honest. Stop making me guess why I'm the bad guy. You're welcome for saving your life, by the way. Guess that makes me a really bad guy, doesn't it? Mayr sighed and leaned against the doorframe of Tash's room. Behind him, priests shuffled through the hallway, immersed in a discussion about evening prayer.
Tash tossed his pack onto his bed. He still wore the light blue shirt and black pants his father had given him. Shoulders hunched, he pushed the short white candles on the bedside table across the tabletop with one finger, slowly and without a pattern, appearing lost in thought.
"Do you miss them already?" Mayr crossed his arms. "They really do love you. That sister of yours—Tara and her could do damage to the world if they were in the same room."
"What?" Tash peered over his shoulder, brows drawn together over his dulled eyes.
"Nothing," Mayr muttered. He straightened and glanced down the hall. "I'm just going to go. Aeley's—"
"Close the door."
"Sorry?"
"Close the door. We need to talk."
And here it is. Mayr entered the room and shut the door behind him. "Yeah, we do. This whole time, you've been acting like it's my fault. Like I'm the one who—"
Tash whirled around, his expression dark. "It's over." A cascade of emotions played across his face, none of them happy. "We're over, for good. We can't see each other again. Never ag
ain. Never."
A breath caught in Mayr's throat, choking back every other response. His mind reeled. The words hit him harder than any assault. "What?"
"We can't be near each other ever again." Tash buried his fists in the crook of his elbows then unfurled them before curling them again. He moved back and rocked on his heels. "We can't see each other. We can't be in the same space. We have to end this. Here. Never again, Mayr. I should've never gotten you into this. I should've just left you alone. I should've—" His voice broke. Pain flashed across his face. He turned toward the bedside table and hung his head.
Mayr watched Tash's back. Words failed him. His thoughts spun twisted threads of nonsense. "I don't understand."
"Why?" Tash asked quietly. "Why you? Why now?" He faced Mayr, blinking as though battling tears. "Why not years ago, when I could've done something about it?"
"About what? What is this?" Mayr stepped forward, raising one arm angrily. "First we're over, but still friends. Then you call me here to make you feel better, which I did. Then you go off, insisting on doing something I think is completely stupid. And now we can't see each other? After everything, after what just happened, you're kicking me out of your life just like that? You were going to die, Tash. Die! So I stopped them. I couldn't just let you—"
"You think this is about that?" With a bitter laugh, Tash knocked against the bedside table. "Meanwhile my world is falling apart." He glared at Mayr. "I told you we couldn't fall for each other. I told you we couldn't have anything beyond casual intimacy. But I was an idiot. I felt it taunting me, and still…" His jaw quivered as he stared at the bed. "Then you went and said the words, and I… What I feel… I can't want it. We can't carry on. It has to end completely, you and me, right here."
Realization washed over Mayr; anger danced through him. He should have known it would be used against him. Just like it always was. "Wait, I say I love you and you decide we can't see each other at all? What kind of response is that?" he yelled. "Is this my punishment for breaking the rules? It's not easy being on this side of it, you know. I didn't exactly plan it. But, hey, I was going to swallow it down and live with it, willing to be friends because it was better than nothing. Losing you completely was worse. Now I find out you don't really care at all, do you?"
"I do care," Tash argued, "and that's why it's a problem. I thought the same, too—that seeing you was better than nothing—but that's how we've ended up here." His gaze remained downcast. "It's unfair to continue. I can't do it. I just can't." He shook his head. "I never should have turned to you, no matter how badly I hurt. I never should have sent for you. I wasn't thinking, just acting on my own desires, and that was wrong. I need to do what I should have done fully: I release you."
Mayr snorted. "There you go, doing what everyone else does. Justifying your actions with lies. You like truth, right? Try this: I gave, you took, and you're getting rid of me because I'm no good. Or is it that I'm not man enough to put up with—"
"It's the truth!" Tash rushed toward Mayr and stopped, a foot of space between them. Tears wet his eyes. "I'd love nothing more than to throw you on Emeraliss's altar and make love to you for days and tell you everything I feel, but I can't. The last trial is tomorrow. If I fail, I die. If I succeed, I'm an Uldana and alone. The only exception is if I'm chosen as a consort during the Feast of Emeraliss. That's it. I'm as good as dead as far as our relationship's concerned, no matter what I want for us. No matter how much I want you."
Of all the words, Mayr focused on one alone. He would work out the sentiments later. "What do you mean if you fail, you die?"
Tash looked away. "The trial requires us to be put into a sort of trance. To do that, the priests use poison from the menadet plant. To see the faces of the Four, we must journey to the precipice between life and death. We have to overcome the effects to prove ourselves. We have to fight."
"Are you all insane?" Mayr shouted, falling back. "You're absolutely out of your minds, every one of you! That plant kills half of the people who take it—at least half!"
"That's the point. It's a spiritual test."
"So you're going to kill yourself? Nice spiritual test!" Mayr kicked the door. He kicked it again, harder. Tash was willing to commit suicide just to see if he could beat it. To prove whatever he believed it would to Goddesses who would not care. For good measure, Mayr kicked the door a third time.
Tash wrapped his arms around Mayr's shoulders. "Shh, Mayr, stop." He buried his face in Mayr's hair. "It's the other reason why I was having only casual relationships. But now I'm in love with you," he whispered, "and it's breaking both of us. I knew I should've pushed you away before the Trials started, but I couldn't stand the thought of letting the days go by without having something with you. I was lying to myself, ignoring the truth. Now we're paying the price."
As Mayr tried to kick the door again, Tash's embrace tightened, and he pressed his cheek against Mayr's shoulder. "I don't deserve you. I don't deserve anyone. Love is precious. Fragile. So is someone who'll stay with me. But I can't have either, not after what I've done. It's just as well I do this—at least I'll have a purpose in being alone. It'll be worth something. I'll be forced to let go. It'll consume my life and blind me to everything else. I need that. I can't keep doing what I've been doing. If I'm an Uldana, I'll be too busy to think about anything else other than being a priest."
"But—"
"Absolution, Mayr." Tash spun Mayr around and grasped his shoulders. "You asked me before why I was going through the Trials, and the answer is absolution. The price of it is not having anyone. The price is you. It's lose-lose for me, but I have to accept it. I have to surrender to faith. It's the only way I'll ever obtain forgiveness for everything I've done. You heard what I did, and it's too much. Too much shame and guilt. Too much remorse. I don't want to put that on your shoulders. This is my path, where I've been going all along." He drew his fingers down Mayr's cheek, smiling sadly. "If I'm going to have a broken heart, at least I can find redemption and be useful, then share it with others who need it."
Tash sighed and stepped back. "I didn't mean to fall for you; I didn't mean to break my own rule. Something about you was trustworthy, strong. Secure. You eased the pain. Made me believe my heart could be safe with you. But I can't do it. Not just because of the Trials, but because I'm pretty sure this is just temporary. It wouldn't last, Mayr, even without the Trials. You'd leave anyway. Everyone leaves me. You'd decide it isn't what you want and find someone who actually deserves you."
"And that's a stupid assumption." Mayr sneered. "Don't you ever tell me what I would or wouldn't do. You're the last person who should be saying that, not after what we just went through."
Growling, Mayr closed the space between them until he stood close enough to feel Tash's breath on his lips. "You want to talk about selfish desires and thinking only about yourself? Let's discuss your reasons for nearly getting yourself killed. Then let's discuss your obsession with absolution. Because I don't care if you load shame and guilt on me—go ahead, try me. I've dealt with my own long enough to consider them my best friends. So add to it. Go on."
Mayr cupped his hand around the back of Tash's neck. "You want to talk about deserving? I deserve the chance to deal with things in my own way without anyone deciding what I can and can't do. And what I can do is find a way to alleviate the shame. I can bear the load of guilt, mine and yours. I stood up for you in Araveena, and I'll always defend you. I've never demanded you prove yourself. I'll take you just as you are. You're worth something to me, no matter what anyone thinks of you, including yourself. You have from the first night we met." He flattened his hand on Tash's chest to feel his racing heartbeat. "Tell me what you want more: love or to kill yourself slowly? If you care that much for me, why don't you pull out of the Trials and stay at the Rese level? Or stop being a priest altogether? There's nothing that says you can't do good elsewhere. I'm part of Aeley's family—I can get you anything you want."
"I can't. I promised." Tash ba
cked away. "You know what it's like being obligated by oath. I swore to the Four it's what I'd do if They saved me from what I was—if They'd grant me salvation from the Shar-denn."
When Mayr took a step forward, Tash held his hands before him. "No. I bargained, Mayr. I used to plead and beg, day after day, before anyone woke up. It was just me and our family altar, every morning, after I'd spent my nights elsewhere doing awful things. I swore I'd dedicate my life to the Four if They'd save me. And They did. They granted me freedom. So now I have to see those promises through. I can't walk away. Otherwise it'd be more guilt, and I can't take anymore. I've ruined too many lives. I'm only alive by the grace of the Four, I know it, and this is the only way to get out from everything suffocating me. I need this as much as I need you."
With several more steps, Tash backed against the window. Lips parted, his gaze fell to the floor. He turned and leaned against the windowsill. "I can't run from it. If I break these oaths, I'll spiral down and drag you with me. I'll regret it forever. Then I'll resent you. I'll hate myself. All of the good I've managed to do will go bad—and that's assuming I live."
Tash held his head in his hands. "No matter my choice, I lose, either love or myself. The fact you're willing to take it on… I have to break us up. This last trial made me realize you might be the one person I'll never deserve, no matter what I do. And I'm terrified. I can't have you. You're the right one at the wrong time. I have to break your heart. And mine."
"So that's it." Mayr grimaced as his voice cracked. He hated his emotions. He did not want to feel. To see. To hear another word. After years of being miserable, there was no reprieve. Just when he thought he had found someone who understood him, who saw past the trappings of his position, reality battered him.
"Yes." Tash continued to stare at his hands, wringing his fingers together.
"Fine. You want me out of your life?" Mayr opened the door and backed into the corridor. "I'm out."
Four Page 20
