by Eric Vall
The sun was setting off in the distance, and it threw a cool blanket of night over the Arizona desert. We continued down the road for a few more miles, and then we saw a familiar sign.
Welcome to Nevada.
It was just about time to get this party started.
Chapter 10
To call this place a “small town” would be an insult to small towns. My friends and I were just over the Nevada border, driving through the “downtown” of a small rural city.
“You sure this is the place?” Ira asked curiously. “I think I’ve seen ghost towns with more of a nightlife than this.”
“It’s what the flier said,” I retorted as I scanned our surroundings for anything that might look like a party venue.
“Perhaps Gula and Tris tricked us?” Libidine sighed.
“Doubtful,” Cupiditas shot back without missing a beat. “Aruna was headed in the same direction we were. I doubt a seasoned assassin like her would be so easily tricked.”
“Ouch,” I joked playfully to the blonde.
“No offense, Jacob,” Cupi apologized with pain in her voice. “I didn’t mean to--”
“I’m only messing with you,” I snorted. “I know you’d never insult me on purpose.”
“Of course not,” the blonde promised. “My love for you runs much too deep for that.”
I expected our imp companion to make a snarky comment, but the cabin of the vehicle was filled with silence. I glanced over to Todd curiously.
“My love for you runs just as deep,” I tried again, “for all three of you. Sometimes at the same time.”
The imp remained silent as he puffed on his joint.
Maybe I needed to try something more on-the-nose.
“You know,” I started, “I bet there’s gonna be a bunch of people at this party. Sweaty bodies everywhere, drunk people grinding up against each other … ”
“Fornicating in the bathrooms,” Ira added gleefully.
Still nothing.
“Todd?” I asked. “You okay?”
The imp looked over at me, and I could see why he was being so quiet. His eyes were completely bloodshot, and his entire body was relaxed to the point of hilarity. Todd slowly turned his head and stared at me blankly, his mouth agape.
“Did you say something, bro?” he asked through his baked-out haze.
“Oh dear,” Libidine giggled, “you weren’t kidding when you said that stuff was strong.”
“I guess that’s why they call it ‘Canadian Moose Tranquilizer,’ huh?” I observed. “I’m surprised Todd can even move right now.”
“Of course I can move, bro.” The imp grinned. “Watch this.”
The imp turned his head back so it was facing forward, and then his entire body seemed to spasm. He slowly looked back over at me and nodded with a devilish smile.
“See?” he slurred. “Triple backflip.”
“Uh-huh…” I humored the little guy and then turned back to scan the town.
There were a few shops that had already been closed for hours, what looked like a baseball park off in the distance, and a massive statue of a multicolored bull on every corner. The streets were completely dead, and even the few sickly-looking lamps flickered and threatened to go out at any second. Just up ahead, there was a bar dressed up to look like a saloon. Most importantly, however, was the fact that its sign was flashing “open.”
I turned the sputtering Shadow into the parking lot and wedged her in between two large trucks.
“I really hope she starts up again.” I sighed and killed the ignition. “I can’t believe what Aruna did to our baby.”
“Lola?” Todd perked up.
“Who’s Lola?” Ira questioned. “Another succubus?”
“No, no,” I corrected. “Lola was Todd’s trusty yellow Volvo. She was a bucket of rust, but she kept on chugging for years.”
“Yeah, until what’s-his-nuts decided to kill her,” the stoned imp growled.
“The Volvo died after we escaped some of Azazel’s henchmen,” I translated for the succubus. “Todd was devastated.”
Beside me, the imp was still making a low growling noise. His face was contorted into a scowl, but his tiny body was still as limp as a dead fish. Most unnerving were his eyes which were glazed-out and staring off into space but still had the simmering fire of fury underneath.
“Uh … are we gonna have to carry him?” Cupi mused as she slid out of the vehicle.
I tried to open my door, but it wouldn’t budge thanks to the dent from Aruna’s chakram. I slid to the side and then threw my entire body weight against the door, but it still refused to move. A small draft of wind then reminded me our vehicle was currently missing half of its roof.
It looked like I was gonna have to go up and out.
I stood up onto the leather seat and hoisted myself out over the side of the car. On the way down, I tossed a couple quick purple shields into the air to act as descending stairs and made my way toward the ground.
Despite the beating Shadow had taken, the rear of the passenger side was mostly intact. The three succubi slid out through the same door and onto the cool asphalt of the parking lot.
I turned around and saw Todd weakly reaching for the unlocking mechanism of the Jeep. The imp’s arm was moving but only at a snail’s pace.
Thankfully, I had just the contingency for this occasion.
I walked back to the hatch of the Jeep and popped open the tailgate. There were still shards of broken glass scattered all over the contents of the cargo bed, and I had to be careful not to cut myself as I dug. Finally, I found what I was looking for, my trusty duffel bag.
“Alright, Toddster,” I explained. “You’re going for a ride, just like the good ol’ days.”
Todd now had his hand on the door latch, but he wasn’t able to pull it hard enough. With a faint smile, I outstretched my hand toward the imp and covered him with a blast of emerald flames. Todd’s demeanor didn’t change one bit as he was engulfed with the Hellfire, disappeared, and then reappeared inside of the bag on my shoulder. The imp was still fumbling helplessly for the door handle when he reappeared, and then his eyes widened in surprise.
“Brooooooo,” he grinned, “I think I just time-traveled.”
“Through time and space, actually,” I corrected the imp in the bag.
I clicked the beeper on Shadow, turned around, and headed toward the swinging wooden doors of the saloon.
“What are we doing here again?” Cupi asked. “I thought we were looking for Gula and Tris’ party?”
“We are,” I confirmed. “Look around, Cupi. There’s not a soul in sight anywhere but in this bar. If anybody in this ghost town knows where there could possibly be a huge party, we’re gonna find them here. Besides, it wouldn’t hurt us to have a drink or two before we hit the road again.”
“I think we’ve earned it after what happened on the highway,” Liby added.
“I hope they have a Devil’s Tonsil-Tickler!” Ira jumped up and down excitedly.
All three of us looked at the slender succubus curiously, and she must have taken the hint.
“You’ve never had a Devil’s Tonsil-Tickler?” she asked. “It’s amazing. So, you take some Fireball cinnamon whiskey, add a little bit of chili pepper, toss some salt on the rim, and voila! Devil’s Tonsil-Tickler.”
“That sounds disgusting,” I gagged at the thought. “Wouldn’t that burn like a bitch going down?”
Ira’s eyes got a crazed look and her mouth twisted into a devilish grin. “That’s the point, love,” she explained. “It hurts sooooo good.”
“Yep,” Cupi sighed as we reached the bar’s entrance, “definitely something Ira would drink.”
There really wasn’t anything to say to that, so I zipped up the Todd carrier on my shoulder and then pushed through the swinging wooden doors of the saloon.
The outside may have been designed to look like an old-timey saloon, but the inside was anything but. Massive wide-screen televisions on
the walls showed every sports station known to man, and loud country music blared over the speakers. The place didn’t seem too crowded, but then again, it was a weeknight in a small town in the middle of nowhere. This could have been half the town’s population, for all I knew.
The succubi and I approached a high-top table in the middle of the dining area and took our seats.
“Soooo,” Ira asked excitedly, “how are we gonna torture the information out of these people?”
“We’re not,” I said firmly. “We’re just gonna ask them, no need to resort to physical violence. What kind of a politician are you, anyway?”
“It depends on which half of me shows up,” the succubus cooed.
“Sounds about right,” Todd’s muffled voice arose from inside the duffel bag. Even when the Toddster was stoned out of his mind, he still couldn’t resist taking a stab at the political establishment.
A cheerful slender man dashed over to our table, menus in hand.
“Hello, guys!” he said with a grin. “I haven’t seen you around here before. You passing through our sleepy little town?”
“Maybe,” I nodded, “I’ve got a somewhat strange question for you, actually.”
“No, this is not my natural hair color,” the waiter joked. “In all seriousness, though, I’ll do my best to answer.”
The joke wasn’t that funny, but we all let out a tiny chuckle to humor the man.
“I just wanted to know,” I started, “have there been a lot of people around here tonight? My friends and I here heard there was a massive party somewhere out in this area.”
The man’s jubilant smile turned into a frown. “I’m afraid we don’t get many people in this neck of the woods,” he explained, “and we certainly don’t get many wild parties. Cedarville is a pretty laid-back town. Hell, I think we’re the only establishment that’s actually open past eight!”
“Well, darn,” I said with a sigh. “I was hoping you could point us in the right direction.”
“I’m sorry I couldn’t be of better assistance to you, sir,” the waiter apologized, “but I can help you get some alcohol in your stomachs!”
“That sounds incredible,” Cupi interrupted. “I’ll take a glass of red wine, please. The sweeter, the better.”
“I’m kinda feeling a Pilsner,” I added. “I’ll take whatever variety you’ve got on tap. And would it be alright to get a glass of stout beer, too? Just in case I wanna change things up.”
“Of course!” the waiter grinned.
“Onnnniioonnnnn riiiinggs.” Todd’s voice sounded like a ghost. “The Toddster needs his onnniionnn riiinggss.”
“An order of onion rings, as well,” I added.
“I’d like an IPA,” Libidine said as she smiled cheerfully.
“Alright,” the waiter said as he began to call back our order, “I’ve got an order of onion rings, a pilsner, a stout, a glass of sweet red wine, and an IPA. What about for you, ma'am?”
Ira patted her chin and let out a thoughtful “hmmmm.” Then she raised her violet eyes up to meet the waiter, and I knew what she was going to say before she even said it.
“Do you guys do mixed drinks?” she asked coyly.
“Of course!” the man responded.
“Can you do a Devil’s Tonsil-Tickler?” Ira begged. “It’s my absolute favorite drink.”
“I’m not familiar with that one.” The waiter frowned. “What’s in it? Maybe I can ask Tony over there to make one for you.”
Ira explained her choice of drink to the man, and his face instantly filled with confusion.
“Uh, let me go talk to Tony about that one,” he muttered through a fake smile. “In the meantime, I’ll get the rest of the order in for you.”
The second the waiter was out of earshot, I returned our focus to the mission.
“Well, shit,” I grumbled. “I would have thought these guys would have known about Gula and Tris’ party. Maybe they did trick us after all?”
“Bro,” Todd’s voice uttered from below, “that guy reeks of demon.”
“What do you mean?” Libidine pondered. “He seemed very friendly. Most of the demons we’ve encountered try to burn us alive the second they realize who we are.”
“That’s the thing, Lib,” Todd said as he began to unzip the duffel bag from the inside. “He’s a little too nice for my liking. I may be baked as a brownie right now, but even I can see through his charade. Actually, a brownie sounds sooooo good right now. You don’t think they sell those here, do ya, Jakey?”
“Probably not,” I replied as I shook my head, “but what makes you think our waiter is a demon?”
“It’s just a hunch, bro,” Todd muttered and then yawned. “Oof. That’s enough work for one day. Toddster, out!”
The imp laid back down in the bag and instantly began to snore.
Without disturbing the exhausted imp, I reached down and zipped him back in safely.
“I’m not really getting demon vibes from that guy,” Ira mused. “I worked directly with those assholes for years, so I would know.”
“Maybe he’s not a demon,” I wondered aloud, “but do you think he’s hiding something from us? Todd’s right, he does seem a little too happy for a server this late at night.”
“We’re about to find out,” Cupi said and then nodded behind me. “Take a look at these guys.”
I spun around in my chair and saw three guys and a woman enter the bar. One of the guys wore wide-brimmed glasses on his bulbous nose, and his body was decked out with a tie-dye shirt and a pair of khaki pants. To top it all off, the man’s hair was tied back into a man-bun. The other two guys were dressed a little bit more inconspicuous, but they still stood out like a sore thumb here in this small rural town. Each of them wore casual flannel shirts and had facial hair that was well-kempt and groomed.
Meanwhile, the woman who was with them had her hair tied back with a bright red headband and wore a dress so flowy it could be confused for a toga.
Everything about them screamed “city slicker,” and that meant they were probably here for the same reason we were.
The four newbies sat down at a table a couple of feet away from us and were greeted by our enthusiastic waiter. I couldn’t make out everything they were saying to each other, but I did catch some words that sounded awfully similar to the banter we had shared.
Then, one of the guys in the group motioned for the waiter to come closer, leaned in, and whispered something in his ear. The server stood upright, nodded, and then began to walk toward the doors that divided the front of the bar from the back. The group of four looked around cautiously, stood up, and followed the man.
“Something smells fishy about those guys,” I observed.
“Sorry, bro,” Todd called up from the bag. “I haven’t had a chance to shower in a few days. I thought I was covering it up with Eau du Reefer.”
“That’s not--ew.” I gagged and then turned to the succubi. “One of us should try to follow them and see what’s going on.”
“Oh, oh!” Ira raised her hand. “I’ll do it! I love spying on people.”
“Alright,” I nodded, “but no torture. Got it?”
Ira made an “X” motion over her chest. “Cross my heart and hope to die, stab an icicle in my eye,” she promised. “No torture. Not even a little.”
“Okay,” I confirmed. “Figure out what’s going on back there and then report back what you found. I’m sure it has something to do with Gula and Tris. It has to.”
“Yes, master.” Ira stood up and saluted.
“Don’t call me master,” I said with a sigh as the succubus hustled away.
Ira was wearing a pair of tight leggings, and I couldn’t help but stare at her ass as she bustled toward the door.
Seconds before the succubus reached the back-of-house entrance, another waiter pushed open the door, carrying a tray in his hand. He gave the succubus a suspicious look, but it looked like Ira just talked her way out of it. The man pointed back to the re
strooms, and then Ira laughed and started to walk in that direction.
Of course, the second the man turned away, the succubus darted through the door.
“I think that’s our stuff,” Libidine said excitedly.
As the new waiter approached, I saw the succubus was right. On the tray sat a few glasses of beer, a glass of wine, and a massive boat of onion rings.
“Here you go, guys!” The man smiled as he began to set our order on the table. “Unfortunately, Tony says he can’t make the Devil’s Tonsil-Tickler. He’s fresh out of chili powder and, well, you’ve probably noticed that nothing around here is open at this time of night. Can I order the lovely lady something else, instead?”
“She just went to the restroom,” I explained. “We’ll talk it over with her when she gets back.”
“Excellent!” The man grinned. “Call me or one of my friends over when you’re ready.”
This server was just as ecstatic as the first guy, and I was starting to wonder if Todd’s theory was actually holding water. There was something going on with this place. Thankfully, we had Ira on the case, and she was a politician and a deadly warrior-demon. If anyone could get to the bottom of this, it was her.
“What are we waiting for?” Liby asked. “Let’s dig in!”
The dark-haired succubus grabbed the glass of light-colored beer in front of her and took a sip. She swallowed the liquid and then let out a loud purr of satisfaction.
“I’m surprised you like IPAs,” I mused. “The only beer I think I’ve ever seen you drink was the light stuff.”
Liby shot me a wink. “You of all people should know I’m always down to try new things.” She smiled and then took another sip.
“Hey, I’m trying to keep it classy over here,” Cupiditas interrupted sarcastically.
The blonde succubus picked up her glass of wine, held it in front of her face, and then swirled the liquid around and inhaled. A pleasant smile rose on her lips, and then she took a swig of the cherry-red wine. Cupi held it in her mouth for a moment, taking in the flavor, and then she gulped it down.
