by Eric Vall
“Wow,” I finally gasped as I slid out of Ira and sat down on the bed.
Both of us were panting heavily from the intense love-making, and Ira looked like she couldn’t move.
“You need some help?” I asked coyly.
“I--I don’t think I ever want to move from this position again,” she panted. “Fuck, I never want to leave this bedroom again!”
The succubus began to crawl forward toward the pillow. Once she was within striking distance, she let out a massive sigh, and then fell onto the pillow face-first.
I went to stand up, but I realized my legs were much too weak. Instead, I also flipped over onto my stomach and crawled up to where the succubus was laying. Then I slid under the covers, wrapped my arm around Ira, and pulled her in close.
“That was … intense,” I mused.
“That?” she giggled. “That was nothing. Maybe next time I’ll introduce you to my dom side. That’s intense.”
“Baby steps.” I chuckled. “Let’s stick to baby steps for now.”
Ira nuzzled her head into my chest, and the two of us laid there for a minute before we drifted off to sleep.
The next thing I knew, I was being awoken by a loud knock on our door. I sat up, rubbed my eyes, and looked over at the alarm clock on the dresser. Four in the morning.
Who the fuck could it possibly be at this hour?
I rolled out of bed, careful not to wake Ira, and headed to the bathroom. I quickly tossed on one of the complimentary white robes and then went to answer the door. There was the squeak of rusty hinges as the wooden divider opened.
“Hello, Jacob,” a familiar voice acknowledged.
There, in the hallway of the hotel out in the middle of the desert, stood the Archangel Raphael.
“Do you have a minute?” the man in white asked. “We need to speak of some urgent matters.”
Chapter 14
“Do you think we could go over to the other room?” I asked the Archangel who was standing in the hall. “Ira is tuckered out in there, and I’d hate to wake her.”
“Of course,” Raphael acknowledged. “Wherever is most comfortable.”
Laying next to the bed with the beautiful and slightly-crazed Ira was the most comfortable, but I wasn’t going to be rude to my surprise guest. I stepped through the door, rubbed my eyes, and then began to walk toward Todd’s room.
“I see you’re copying my fashion choices,” Raphael observed with a nod to my robe. “Now you just need to grow out your hair. We’ll make you a member of the Divine yet, Jacob Ralston.”
“Don’t count on it,” I warned as we approached our destination. “I’m in on all this because I want my friends to be free, and the only way that’s going to happen is by killing Azazel and the Seventy-Two Servants. Once that fucker is gone, we’re out of the whole ‘demon hunting’ shtick.”
The Archangel simply chuckled at my words. “We’ll see, Jacob,” he pondered. “We will certainly see. I know your type. You try to play the grizzled loner, but deep down, you want to do good.”
Finally, we arrived at Todd’s door, and I gave a slight knock.
“The only thing I want is for my friends and me to be left alone,” I reiterated.
The small brown door swung open to reveal Todd, who was standing in the doorway wearing the same bathrobe I was. It was comically large on the imp, and it’s lower half seemed to drag behind Todd’s body like the train of a wedding dress. Meanwhile, the arms of the garment were so droopy and wide they looked like something a pro wrestler from the eighties would have worn.
“Raphey!” the imp exclaimed when he saw the Archangel. “So nice of you to drop by.”
“It’s good to see you too, Todd.” The angel smiled.
“Ohmygosh.” Todd looked back and forth at Raphael and me, and then back to himself. “We’re in matching outfits! Now, all we need is a little logo up here, and we’d be a regular ol’ superhero team.”
“Easy there, Ric Flair,” I chuckled. “He’s just here to talk. These aren’t even our robes, anyway.”
Todd clapped his hands together over his head, brought them down, and let out his best “woooo!”
Almost instantly afterward, there was an angry pounding on the wall from the residents in the other room.
The imp just shrugged. “They’ve been doing that all night,” he explained. “These walls must be paper thin because all we’ve been doing is watching TV, and they’re still getting pissed off. Anyways, come on in!”
The second we entered Todd’s room, I could see why his neighbors were angry. The television must have been turned up to the highest setting because the sound of horrific screams greeted us the second we were through the door.
Cupi and Liby were both sitting at the foot of the bed with controllers in their hands. The succubi turned and waved briefly, but then they turned their attention back to their game.
On the screen was some sort of first-person shooter. The succubi’s characters were walking around in some sort of hellish landscape, blasting out demons’ brains with a shotgun. In the game, the enemy’s head would explode into a mist of red gore and brain matter as they were shot. Even after all the shit we’d seen, it was almost too real for my liking.
“Oh my lord.” Raphael put a hand over his mouth as if he were going to throw up. “Is this a snuff film?”
“Nonono.” Todd grinned. “This is Demonslayer Five: The Slayening Returns Again. It’s the baddest fucking video game ever made, probably because it’s so realistic!”
“We made it past that thing with the four heads,” Libidine explained. “I blew off his leg and then stabbed him in the dick with my bowie knife.”
Todd ran over and grabbed a third controller. “Atta girl, Lib!” he praised as he began to slay virtual demons alongside the literal demons in his room.
“It’s too realistic, if you ask me.” Raphael shook his head and turned away from the carnage. “Give me Mario Kart any day of the week.”
“There are video games in Heaven?” I asked in shock.
The Archangel gave me a strange look. “It’s Heaven, Jacob,” he explained. “We have anything and everything you could ever ask for.”
“Hey, I don’t know how it works,” I admitted. “I’ve only heard the girls’ descriptions of Hell, and it sounds terrifying.”
“It is.” Raphael shuddered. “I once led an army of Divine forces into the very pits of the damned. We only made it halfway into the First Circle before we suffered too many casualties and were forced back into our realm.”
“Damn,” I sympathized, “that sounds brutal.”
“That’s Baphomet for you.” Raphael sighed. “One of the most ruthless generals in Lucifer’s army, and his forces are the first ones you encounter.”
“Thankfully, we’re not going into the pits of Hell anytime soon,” I said with a chuckle.
Raphael’s face grew sullen, and my heart dropped into the pit of my stomach.
“Right?” I pleaded.
“That’s partly what I came here to talk to you about,” the Archangel answered. “I’ve received intel that Azazel is growing more and more panicked by the moment. Now that Tris and Gula, two of his last three succubi, are here on Earth, his back is against the wall. He’s apparently got Invidia, the Sister of Envy, locked up in a prison of brimstone and has thrown away the key.”
“Meaning?” I already knew the answer, but I wanted to hear it aloud.
The Archangel’s eyes met mine and narrowed. “Meaning the only way to finish this once and for all, as you so wish, is to go down into the Lake of Fire itself and retrieve Invidia.”
“That’s what I was afraid of,” I groaned. “Couldn’t we just convert Tris and Gula and then call it a day? I’d have six of his seven succubi, and Azazel would be stuck down in Hell where he belongs.”
Raphael shook his head somberly. “I’m afraid not. Invidia is the strongest of all his succubi. As long as she remains in his grasp, there is a chance Azazel could return
to Earth Realm. Or worse, Heaven.”
I fell back into one of the chairs and buried my face into my hands.
“Fuck!” I shouted in frustration.
There was a distinct pausing sound from the main area of the hotel room.
“Are you alright, Jacob?” Libidine’s voice asked with concern.
“I’m fine,” I explained. “Just frustrated, that’s all.”
The succubi and Todd stood up and walked over to join the conversation.
“Frustrated about what, Jakey?” Todd mused. “Are you upset that you can’t rock this robe like the Toddster can? I know I look fabulous.”
I couldn’t help but smile at my friend’s joke.
“I was just explaining to Jacob that Azazel has now locked up Invidia and thrown away the key,” Raphael addressed the succubi and the imp. “If you want to achieve an ultimate victory over the King of the Fourth Circle, you’re going to eventually have to face him on his own turf.”
“I figured as much.” Cupi sighed, and then the blonde bent down and placed her hands on my face delicately. “It’ll be alright, my love,” she comforted. “That battle is still far away. Besides, once we convince Tris and Gula to join us, you’ll be stronger than ever.”
“Speaking of which,” Todd interrupted, “how did it go playing ‘hide the pepperoni’ with Ira?”
“Hide the--” Raphael began, but then he put his hands up in the air. “You know what? I don’t want to know.”
“Bro,” I reminded the imp, “gentlemen don’t kiss and tell, remember?”
“Well, you were able to walk in here without grunting in pain,” Todd observed. “That means she must not have busted out the ball-busting stuff quite yet.”
“Please stop,” Raphael begged. “My pure spirit can’t take all this talk of fornication.”
Cupi rolled her eyes. “Seriously?” she asked the Archangel. “You’re one of the biggest womanizers I know.”
“Not anymore, I’m not.” Raphael nodded. “I’ve turned over a new leaf since the days we fought together, Cupiditas. It has been over multiple millennia, you know.”
“Old habits die hard.” The blonde shrugged.
“He’s not banging Earth chicks anymore, Cupi,” Todd explained. “He’s with Urinal now. Yeesh, get with the program.”
“Uriel and I are not--” Raph huffed.
“Where is Goldilocks, anyway?” Todd interrupted.
“That was the other reason I wanted to talk to Jacob,” the Archangel huffed. “Uriel is currently off trying to recruit more of our brethren for our cause. They all know the war has begun, but some of them are … leary about following Jacob into battle.”
“Why the fuck is that?” I growled.
“There are … many reasons,” he explained. “One of which is the fact that you associate yourself with the succubi. Many of our men have fought and died against Liby, Cupi, Sia, and Ira in battle. I trust them, but I can see why my friends do not.”
I stood up out of the chair and thrust a finger into Raphael’s face. “They were forced to fight by a ruthless, heartless, dickless master,” I hissed. “Don’t try to put this on them.”
The Archangel put up his hands in submission. “I’m not,” he promised, “but I cannot control what the other angels think. Hopefully, Uriel can bring them around.”
I nodded and let out a sigh. “You’re right, you can’t, and thank you for doing what you can to turn your buddies around.” I clapped Raphael on the shoulder. “We really are going to need them if a full-out assault on Hell is in our future.”
“Don’t worry, Jacob,” Libidine said as she began to rub my back. “We should just focus on getting rested up and then getting to Tris and Gulas’ next party.”
“That was the other matter I wished to speak with you about,” Raphael interjected somberly. “Some of my angelic allies have delivered to me some disturbing news … ”
“Well?” Todd asked with annoyance. “Spit it out, Raphey!”
“By now I’m sure you’re aware of Tristitia and Gulas’ goals,” the Archangel suggested.
“Yeah, yeah,” Todd mused. “They want to gather up people to be part of their Azazel fan club so the dickless bastard can get stronger. Tell us something we don’t know.”
“Tris and Gula are gathering up followers so they can perform a dark blood sacrifice ritual,” the Archangel continued. “Remember San Francisco, when they brought back Azazel inside the body of one of their own?”
“Of course.” I nodded.
“That was with a few dozen cultists feeding Azazel power,” Raphael sighed. “To perform the ‘Ritual of Resurrection,’ you need a large following, all of whom are willing to put their souls on the line to bring you back from the dead. Basically, you’re swapping out their soul for your own.”
“And you think that’s what Tris and Gula are up to?” Cupi asked. “They’re going around gathering up a bunch of followers for a mass sacrifice?”
“I know it is,” the dark-haired Archangel confirmed.
“Hold on here.” Todd said as he scratched his head. “This all sounds really, really familiar … somebody dies, and then their loyal fans will them back to life with sunshine and rainbows?”
Raph rolled his eyes. “That was intentional on the part of the Demonic,” he explained. “They wanted a blood ritual that mocked the Lamb of God himself.”
“Lamb of God?” Todd laughed. “I was thinkin’ the fairy from Peter Pan, but that’s even more metal.”
“So what happens when Azazel gets enough followers?” Libidine questioned with a twinge of fear in her voice.
“He won’t,” I promised the succubus. “We’re going to crash their next party, convince everyone we’re the gang to hang with, and then convert them over to our side. That is, if Aruna doesn’t get there first.”
There was a tense silence in the room that radiated from Raphael. I looked over at the Archangel and saw his entire body was frozen in terror.
“Aruna?” he asked cautiously. “Why is she involved?”
“You know her?” I questioned.
“Who doesn’t?” Raphael nodded grimly. “She’s the deadliest assassin in all the Realms. To face her is to face the Grim Reaper himself.”
“She wasn’t that tough,” Todd shrugged, “not after she met my machine gun.”
“That’s not how it went down.” I rolled my eyes at the imp.
“Say hello to mah little friend,” Todd continued in his best Cuban accent and then pretended to spray bullets all around the room.
“You defeated Aruna?” Raph now sounded impressed. “That will certainly help your case with the other angels.”
“We beat her, but she’s still very much alive,” Cupi explained. “I’m certain our paths are going to cross again. She seems to be after Tris and Gula.”
“Very strange, indeed,” the Archangel puzzled. “The Divine would never stoop to hiring an assassin, and it makes no sense for anyone on the Demonic side to want their own succubi dead.”
“Yeah.” I nodded. “We’re trying to figure it out, too.”
“Uh, Raphey-boy,” Todd said with a raised finger. “Aren’t we your hired assassins?”
“Of course not!” Raphael scoffed. “You are our spies. There’s a big difference.”
“Yeaaaahhhh,” the imp sounded skeptical, “I’m not seeing the difference. We go around finding demons on Earth and then killing them, just like an assassin would.”
“It’s much different,” the Archangel implored. “You are doing this of your own free will. There are no monetary gains involved.”
“Sounds like the difference between a gangbang and an orgy to me.” Todd shrugged. “Same thing, different name.”
“But you did promise us we could keep whatever earthly goods we got from killing the demons,” Cupi retorted. “So technically there are monetary rewards involved.”
“It’s--it’s still different.” The Archangel now seemed like he was at a loss for words.
“We aren’t giving you money to go out and kill these demons, no questions asked. There’s a little bit of a gray area involved. I wouldn’t be opposed to giving these demons a chance to switch sides, but they always seem to shoot first and ask questions later.”
“Totally different,” I said, though I was still not completely convinced. “Anyways, Aruna seems like she’s a force to be reckoned with. We’ve gotten lucky these last two times, but we need to figure out how to take her down once and for all. Magical weaknesses … personality flaws … anything we can exploit.”
“I’ll see what I can do to get to the bottom of this,” Raphael promised. “We’ve got Watchers all around the world. Surely one of them will have some intel that could be useful about Aruna. In the meantime, you focus on the two succubi.”
“I think Raphey here is tryin’ to get you laid,” Todd whispered into my ear loud enough that everyone could hear.
“I am doing no such thing,” the Archangel rolled his eyes, “but adding them to your group would be the best thing you could do right now. It would prevent Azazel from returning and make you all the more powerful. You will need to be as strong as possible when the final confrontation arrives.”
“And what do we do if we need you in the meantime?” I asked. “Call you on your eighties block phone?”
The Archangel grinned at my words and then rummaged into his pocket. “Actually, I’ve upgraded once more,” he said giddily. “Modern technology is actually pretty incredible.”
Raphael fumbled around in his robe pocket for a moment and then produced what looked like a small black brick.
“They call this a ‘Nokia 3310,’” he explained. “It has a display screen so you can see who you’re calling and everything. Not to mention, it has this cool new game called ‘Snake!’ I must admit, I’ve spent much more time than I should playing that.”
“Ohhhh, a relic!” Todd giggled and then ran over to the Archangel. “These things are legendary, bro.”
“The best part?” The Archangel grinned as Todd fiddled on his phone. “It comes in three different colors. Can you believe that?”
