by Eric Vall
“Uh-oh,” Todd said as realization dawned in his little eyes. “Looks like I’m being a bad influence on the girls again, aren’t I?”
I looked over at the imp and smiled. “You’re just trying to liven up the party. No shame in that. I’m the one who’s throwing a damper on the party with the whole ‘cultural appropriation in politics’ thing.”
“Two things you never want to bring up at a dinner table.” Todd nodded. “Well, that and trying to explain your sexual fetishes. That completely derailed my last family Thanksgiving.”
I glanced down at my watch and realized it was already mid-afternoon.
“I hate to be Debbie Downer again,” I addressed the room, “but the day’s already halfway over. We still need to go find Ose and then try to convince him to be our ‘in’ guy.”
“And get to the party,” Liby added.
“I don’t have to worry about you switching sides, do I?” I joked to the curvy succubus.
Libidine’s eyes lit up, and she gave me a bashful look. “Never,” she promised. “I just enjoy having a good time, that’s all. Luckily for you, it’s all you’ve given us since we joined you all nearly a year ago.”
“Has it really been less than a year?” I pondered aloud. “I can barely even remember my life before you guys came into it.”
Liby stood up and stretched, exposing her sexy midriff and forcing her massive breasts to press against the fabric of her shirt. She dropped her arms down, sauntered over, and laid a tender hand against my shoulder.
“I can’t either,” she purred, “and I never want to.”
Liby then turned and made a motion to Cupi and Ira.
“Now come, sisters,” she commanded. “We asked Jacob to bring us here so we could change. Let’s not keep him waiting.”
Cupi and Ira stood up, locked arms, and then followed Libidine out toward the marble staircase.
Once they were out of earshot, Todd leaned in toward me. “For the record, I can’t remember life before we met, either,” he whispered.
“That’s because we’ve known each other since the fourth grade,” I said with a big smile. “I don’t think our long-term memories had been fully developed before then.”
“No big difference.” Todd shrugged. “That just means we were meant to be best hermanos from the very beginning. Fate totally brought us together, bro.”
“Honestly, I’m starting to wonder,” I admitted. “With you buying the book and us getting chosen by the Divine to be badass demon hunters and all that, it definitely feels like there are higher powers at play here.”
“Or you knew how much of a badass wingman I was gonna be when we were youngins,” Todd joked. “Although nobody ever could have known how sexy I was gonna be with this sweet imp bod. Hopefully, Goose isn’t taking too much away from Maverick.”
“He’s not,” I reassured the imp. “In fact, the Toddster is the best wingman a guy could ask for.”
“Aww shucks,” Todd mused and bashfully kicked at the ground with his hoof. “You can’t tell because of the red skin, but I’m totally blushing right now.”
“I think I’m gonna go change, too,” I told the imp. “The girls are probably right, it’s not a good idea to wear the same clothes for twenty-four hours straight.”
“I don’t see any issues,” Todd retorted. “My current record is two weeks. The only reason I eventually caved was because I kept getting kicked out of places. Something about smelling like ‘Satan’s asshole’ or some shit like that.”
“Thank God you don’t have to wear clothes anymore,” I shuddered as I exited the living room.
“Nope,” Todd’s voice grew distant as I walked toward the stairs. “Everything is just out there, flaunted for everyone to see. I would have done it when I was a human, but people would have totally freaked out.”
I sauntered up the brilliant marble staircase of the mansion, and the sound of my shoes clicking against the white rock reverberated throughout the main room. As I passed by the girls’ bedroom, I heard the three of them giggling and considered joining them. Unfortunately, we were already on a tight schedule, and we’d be at it for hours if I opened that door.
For the first time in a long time, I went with my gut feeling on this one.
Calling the room the girls were in their “bedroom” was actually somewhat of a stretch. Sure, it was a massive room complete with two king-sized mattresses, and it was the room that held all of their clothes, but there hadn’t been a night yet where all five of my succubi, and sometimes Jane, weren’t sharing my bed.
Maybe calling it a “wardrobe” would be more fitting?
I walked into my own dwelling and instantly began to undress. As I headed toward the walk-in closet at the far end of the room, I peeled off my shirt, pants, underwear, and socks, and tossed them one-by-one at the hamper on the other side of the room. Most of the articles of clothing were right on target, but I had to use my green Hellfire to redirect the flying pair of socks into the basket.
“Three out of four isn’t bad,” I said aloud, even though there was nobody around to hear me.
I rustled around in my oaken dresser for a moment, pulled out a pair of socks and underwear, and slid them onto my body. Once those were on, I waltzed over to the closet and admired my options.
Luckily for me, the former owner of this mansion wore the same size as I did, and he was fucking loaded to the gills. All throughout the closet were articles of clothing that looked fairly normal upon first glance. However, knowing Robert Quinn, most of these outfits probably cost more than I’d paid for Shadow.
Even though we’d been here for a few months now, I hadn’t had the time to completely go through and sort out which of Quinn’s clothes I wanted to keep and which ones I wanted to toss. Instead, I just added my own clothes to the fray and that created an eclectic mixture of styles, half a twenty-something like myself would wear and half of an eccentric billionaire cowboy.
I needed something stylish but still flexible enough to fight in. I’d fought in a full tux once before, and it was a real bitch. If all went well, we wouldn’t even need to enter the club or get into a direct conflict with anybody.
With our luck, I knew better.
As I mulled over my fashion choices, I noticed Quinn’s gigantic collection of bolo ties sitting in the back, right behind a series of tan suits. For a fleeting moment, I considered it. Then I remembered how ridiculous it looked on the man himself and realized it would only look ten times worse on me. Todd had already raided the selection of cowboy hats, so the outfit would have been incomplete, anyway.
Finally, I settled on something a little bit more traditional. I grabbed a pair of slim-fit jeans, a brown belt, a green collared shirt, and called it good. Topping off my outfit was a pair of light brown shoes. It may not have been anything too flashy or stylish, but something subtle was probably what this mission needed anyway.
I made my way back out to the hallway, and I noticed the girls’ door was wide open. A quick peek inside told me they were already finished changing and were probably back down with Todd. As I sauntered down the marble staircase, I heard chuckles from the living area, and my suspicions were confirmed.
“There he is!” Todd exclaimed as I walked into the living room. “Yeesh, I figured you’d be out way before they were. What were you doing up there, getting some alone time with Palmala Handerson?”
“I just wanted to look good for my girls.” I winked at the succubi.
“Well, you did a bang-up job,” Ira cooed. “It takes a lot of talent to pull off something that simple, but you’re rocking it.”
“I think I’d enjoy ogling at Jacob in a potato sack, honestly.” Cupi shrugged. “He can make anything look incredible.”
“Speak for yourself,” I shot back at the succubi. “You guys are killing the ‘sexy casual’ look.”
They really were.
Libidine was wearing a yellow romper with a pattern of white and pink florals peppered throughout. She must hav
e noticed my attention was on her, because she did a little twirl as I gawked. As she spun, her curvy ass and breasts jiggled along with the loose-cut fabric of the outfit.
It was like heaven on Earth.
“You like it?” the dark-haired succubus asked with a flirty look in her eyes. “They call it a ‘romper.’ I saw one at the store the other day, and I just had to have it. It’s so comfortable, it almost feels like I’m wearing nothing!”
“You’re definitely wearing something sexy,” Ira purred. “I went with something much more classy and traditional. Jacob, do you like it?”
Ira was wearing a light blue blouse that was more business-casual. Large frills ran vertically down the torso, and its sleeves were cut off mid-bicep. On her lower body, the succubus wore a pair of black trousers and matching colored high heels.
“I do,” I agreed as my eyes roamed her perfect body.
“How about me, Jacob?” Cupi motioned to herself. “Plain and boring, but functional.”
“You’re too hard on yourself, Sister,” Ira said sympathetically. “You look absolutely stunning.”
Cupiditas was wearing a sleeveless white turtleneck that hugged against her torso and pressed tightly against her perky nipples. She wore a pair of torn jeans on her lower half, as well as some black slip-on shoes. Around her wrist she wore a bracelet that looked like it was made of solid gold.
“I love your outfit, but where did you get that?” I pointed at the piece of jewelry.
“It was in that bedroom with all of our clothes,” the blonde explained. “Probably from one of Quinn’s mistresses. I’m not sure if it’s real or not.”
“Let me see!” Todd demanded as he dashed over beside Cupi. “I’ve seen this done a million times on TV.”
The succubus slipped the bracelet off her wrist and handed it to the imp.
Todd folded it over in his tiny hand, held it up to his mouth, and then bit down on the piece of jewelry. Instantly, there was a loud cracking sound, and Todd’s eyes widened with surprise. The imp pulled the bracelet out of his mouth, dropped it back into Cupi’s hand, and then began to rub his mouth painfully.
“Yup,” he mumbled through his hand, “it’s real, alright.”
“Are you okay, Todd?” Libidine asked with concern in her voice.
“I’ll be fine,” he reassured. “Nothing Sia can’t fix.”
The imp pulled his hand away from his lips and held out his palm. In the middle of his hand sat a pointy yellow tooth. Todd slowly sat it down on the end table next to the couch, patted it gently, and then stepped away.
Ira glanced up at the clock on the wall. “We should get going,” she announced. “Ose’s shop is still open, but generally, he closes up whenever the fuck he feels like it.”
I walked over to the breakfast bar and snatched up a set of keys that was laying inside of a bowl. “Since Shadow’s a little under the weather, I figured we could take one of Quinn’s old cars,” I explained. “Who’s up for a ride in the GT?”
“Bro, I thought you’d never ask,” Todd exclaimed happily. “I was born ready.” The imp and the succubi headed toward the garage, and I followed in close pursuit.
We had a demon to turn and a party to crash, and I really didn’t want to be late.
Chapter 17
“This thing is so badass!” Todd was on the verge of tears as we sped down the highway. “So much better than that beat-up old rust bucket we used to call a vehicle.”
“Lola?” I said in surprise. “I’m surprised you’d ever say a bad word about her.”
“How dare you?” the imp gasped. “Lola was the greatest sex wagon in the history of the planet Earth! I’m talking about Shadow.”
“Right … ” I sighed.
“Seriously, bro,” Todd continued. “Why didn’t we take this thing out sooner?”
“Because,” I explained and motioned to the backseat, “there’s barely any room in here. Look at how cramped it is with just the five of us.”
Liby and Cupi were sitting in the back seat of the red Maserati GT with their legs nearly up to their chests. Meanwhile, Ira sat in the passenger seat, and Todd sat on her lap.
“You can’t tell me this is comfortable,” I pushed back at the imp.
“It’s not,” Todd shook his head, “but it’s worth it. The chicks are gonna be all over the Toddster when we roll up in this thing.”
As much as I hated to admit it, Todd had a point. We may have been crammed into this sports car like a can of sardines, but it sure as hell felt good to drive.
We were cruising down the highway at nearly seventy miles an hour, and the car was showing no signs of fatigue. The engine was still roaring loudly like a tiger, but our ride was as smooth as if we were driving at ten miles per hour. Every time we stopped at a stop light, we drew looks of jealousy and awe from the other drivers on the road.
I could get used to this.
“She needs a name,” Todd interrupted my thoughts.
“I’m sure she already has one,” I retorted. “Quinn definitely seems like the kind of guy who would name all his expensive possessions.”
“Yeah, but he probably named it something stupidly Western, like ‘Bessie’ or ‘Annabelle’ or some shit like that,” Todd protested. “A car this sexy needs to have a name like ‘Eva’ or ‘Flash’ or ‘Red Rocket.’”
I just looked over at Todd and gave him a look of disapproval. At the same time, Ira stifled a giggle.
“Okay, okay,” Todd conceded. “Maybe not ‘Red Rocket.’ Sometimes I say things before I can think them through all the way. It’s all part of the Toddster charm.”
“Flauros was very sentimental about the fall of Lucifer,” Cupi spoke up from the back of the vehicle. “Her name probably has to do with that time period. If I had to float a guess, I’d say it’s probably ‘Stella.’”
“Like the old Marlon Brando flick?” I asked.
“The name ‘Stella’ means ‘star’ in Latin,” Cupi continued. “The fall of Lucifer is often associated with the story of Venus, the morning star.”
“I could live with ‘Stella.’” I smiled and revved the engine again. “She seems like a Stella.”
“And I approve, simply for all the pop culture references I can make.” Todd snickered and fell to his knees. “Steeeelllllaaaaa!”
“That’s going to get old.” Cupi sighed. “It’s going to get very old very quickly.”
“It was about time we got another vehicle,” I announced over Todd’s theatrics. “With Sia taking over the Velvet Lips and Ira going to be on the campaign trail all the time, we can’t all rely on Shadow.”
“What about us?” Libidine questioned sadly. “Will we have to go off on our own, too?”
“Only if you want to,” I said with a soft smile into the rearview mirror. “Unlike your previous masters, I don’t give a damn what you decide to do. If you want to go off and have a career on your own, be my guest. If you want to hang around me for all of eternity, also be my guest. My succubi are always free to do what they want!”
“I want to stay around you,” Liby confirmed. “I’ll leave all these Earthly pleasures to my sisters.”
“Glad to hear.” I nodded. “And who knows? Maybe after Azazel is defeated once and for all, we can go retire to some quiet tropical island somewhere and spend the rest of our lives partying and soaking up the sun on the beach.”
“That sounds more lovely than you could ever imagine,” Cupi said with a soft sigh. “To finally be free. Like, really free. Azazel is the only thing standing between us and our goal.”
“That’s why Jakey’s gonna steal all his women, fuck ‘em, and then get strong enough to go down into the underworld and blow Azazel’s dick off!” Todd explained.
“Phrasing.” I laughed. “Phrasing, Todd.”
“My bad,” the little imp apologized. “Jakey’s gonna go down there and beat the dick off Azazel!”
Todd’s words were met with silence, and he must have taken the hint.
/> “Wait,” Todd implored. “Let me try that again. You’re gonna go down into Hell and pound the shit outta his dick with your bare hands.”
“Why do I have to attack his dick?” I asked and tried to lead the imp to what he was trying to say.
“Because that’s his greatest weakness,” Todd said matter-of-factly. “You know how the old saying goes, ‘cut off the dick, and the body will die.’”
“Head,” I corrected. “It’s ‘cut off the head--”
“Brilliant!” Todd grinned. “Cut off the head of his dick and leave the rest as a reminder of what you’ve done. He’ll go by the name ‘stumpy’ for the rest of his days. That’s a fate way worse than death, bro … ”
“It’s this exit right here.” Ira pointed to a sign on the side of the road. “Not to interrupt your talk about genital mutilation.”
“Apology accepted, Crazy Eyes,” Todd said as he waved her concern away.
“So what’s Ose like?” I quickly took the opportunity to change the subject. “Is he super dangerous?”
All three of the succubi let out a snort at the same time.
“Ose?” Ira asked. “Dangerous? He’s one of the weakest members of the Seventy-Two Servants.”
“You said he might try to fight back.” I shrugged. “I’m just trying to prepare, that’s all.”
“If Ose fights back, I am more than capable of taking him on my own,” Ira promised. “He’s a little bitch.”
Todd fumbled, reached toward the floor, and pulled up a pair of sunglasses. “If you have to kick his ass, can you plleaaase wear these?” he asked. “They’re camera glasses with full audio. I snagged ‘em just in case we had to Weekend at Bernie’s this guy, but if he’s really as much of a wimp as you say he is, I want to watch you beat him up in real time. In full HD.”
“That’s actually not a bad idea,” I added, “but when did you have time to buy them?”
“Huh?” Todd asked as he blinked at me.
“The glasses?” I asked. “When did you buy them? We didn’t really have--”
“Okay, so I may have already had them.” Todd cleared his throat. “You probably shouldn’t ask.”
