Ever since I realized I missed my period last week, the mood swings, the random nausea, and vomiting and sleepiness, now all make sense. Not only have I read enough on WebMD that I could become a doctor, but instinct tells me just what is going on; the instinct that has been swimming around in my mind for weeks and that I kept pushing down, hoping it would drown.
Though, the one person I should’ve told, I've kept it from, unsure how to bring it up.
“Earth to Abbs!” Tamara yells, waving her hand in front of my face. My head snaps to her and I smile. I’m sitting outside school on the brick ledge, killing time before my appointment.
“Hey, Tam.” Standing next to her is Dean. Who only over the last few days started talking to me with more than just a few one-word answers to blow me off. “Dean. What’s up?”
“I should ask you the same thing, chick. You have been so far gone lately. You've been acting like a zombie. A pretty zombie, but a zombie either way.” She smirks and sits down beside me, putting her arm around me.
I rest my head on her shoulder and debate if I want to confess everything that's happening with me to her. “Mom is still just being a bitch,” I tell her instead, but it’s not really a lie, is it?
“Are you still grounded?”
“Yeah. Till Saturday. Although, I made temporary bail, and my mom gave me permission to stay after school for ‘extra credit work,’” I say making air quotes. “I figured what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.”
“Well, if you want, we can go to the mall while you still have some freedom? Retail therapy always cheers you up.” She squeezes my shoulder and I pop my head back up. I love this girl, and maybe this weekend after I talk to Colin, I can spill my guts to her. She deserves to know, she’s always been there for me. She might not understand, but I know she'd support me. I'd do it now, considering I'm seconds away from a nervous breakdown, but I can’t do it with Dean standing here.
“I can’t. I have to get to a doctor’s appointment for a yearly checkup. I'm waiting for the bus.” Tam cringes at the word bus. She's hated public transportation ever since a guy sat next to her and started looking at a porno beside her. So, now she prefers to walk wherever she’s going or hitch a ride with someone.
One day I’ll get my license, once Mom lets me go to driving school.
Wait…so…never.
“Your mom won't take you to the doctor's?” I shake my head. “God, she really is being a bitch. Rude.”
“Uh, yeah. But it’s better this way; she would just annoy me anyways.”
“Hey, I could take you, Abbs,” Dean offers out of the blue and I'm taken aback. We might be talking more, but I didn't think he'd do me any favors.
“Yeah?” Because I don’t want to ride the bus, twice.
“Of course, it’s what friends are for.” He gives me a genuine smile and it’s nice to see the signs of my friend again.
“Thanks.” Tam and I stand, and she wraps me in her arms.
“Hey, if you're free this weekend maybe we can go shopping? I mean Prom is coming up. I'm making Alfred take me.”
Who would've thought after only a week together Alfy boy might be the one to get Tamara to settle.
“That’s still months away, goof.”
And I highly doubt I’ll be going.
“Your point? It takes time to find the perfect dress. Do you not know me?” She nudges me.
“Oh, I do. Yeah, it sounds like a plan.” Though if I have it my way I’ll be busy crying on her shoulder, confessing my sins, and knowing the only dress I’ll be buying is a maternity one.
Tamara gives me a tight hug and whispers to call her if I need to talk or if I need anything. I promise I will, and then walk off with Dean.
I slip into the passenger seat of his Jeep, putting my backpack on my lap, and buckle up. My stomach is all in knots about the appointment but also thinking about what Colin would say if he found out I took a ride from Dean.
Because I’m not saying a word for an innocent ride. I don't need the fight on top of the one I might encounter when I tell him he's going to be a dad.
My mind is still fucking blown that we're going to be parents.
No matter how many times I've said this to myself, I’m still trying to take it all in. Sure, I hope the doctor will tell me I'm not pregnant because I'm not really ready for such a major life change, but I know that happening is slim to none.
“You okay?” Dean asks and touches my arm. I didn't even notice he got in the car.
“Yeah. Thanks again for taking me.”
“No problem. Where am I heading to?” He turns on the car, and the radio comes on, blasting a guitar riff at full volume. I cover my ears and he laughs, apologizing, as he turns it down.
“Geez, Dean, do you like for your ears to bleed?” I laugh, rubbing my ringing ears.
“Sometimes? But I had the top down this morning and couldn't hear. So, where are we going?”
“The medical center building off Franklin drive.”
“Got it.” He nods, and pulls out of the parking lot, drumming his thumbs on the steering wheel to the music now faintly playing through the speakers.
“I’m glad you're talking to me again,” I blurt out as Dean turns onto the main road.
“Yeah, I'm sorry about that. That day at the movies was a little awkward.” He glances at me briefly, giving me a weak smile.
“Sorry. Colin can be a bit—”
“Possessive?” He cuts me off and chuckles softly. My eyebrows knit, astonished that’s the word he would pick. To him, Colin's my step-brother, and it makes my heart start to do the conga knowing he picked up on it.
“Um no. He's just protective?”
“Abbs, I know and it's okay.” Sincerity drips from his voice, but my mind is too busy trying to figure out how this is going to play out to hear it. A voice in my head screams that he’s going to judge and hate me.
“Know what?” My voice squeaks to an octave I’ve never heard before, and I’m pretty sure all the neighborhood dogs heard it. Way to play it smooth, Abigail.
“That you and him—are a thing.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I turn to look out the window, my hands shaking, and my cheeks saying everything with how red they are
“You and your step-brother. You’re together.” My crimson face turns to him, slacked-jaw and at a loss for words. “I didn't think it at first. I was more embarrassed I had called your step-brother your boyfriend. But when you two bickered, it was like he was oddly jealous, and you were so uncomfortable. I thought it was maybe a cover because you didn’t want me, which hurt, but I kept thinking maybe something was going on between you two. But then about three weeks ago, I saw you two at the beach and you had your hands all over each other. There was no denying you were a couple.”
“Oh god.” I sink into the seat and cover my face. “You haven’t told anyone, have you?”
“No.” He reaches over and shakes my shoulder. “Look, I do—I did really like you, Abbs. It did suck at first and that's why I avoided you. But I’m not a dumbass or even a big enough of a dickhead to do that to you. It was easy to know you haven't told Tams or Sandy about it, so I kept it to myself.”
“Thank you. And look, I'm sorry I lied to you or if I led you on. I just didn't want to ruin our friendship.” I mindlessly play with the straps on my backpack, too ashamed of myself to look at him.
“It's okay. There are no hard feelings, Abbs. I've had time to process it and we're friends, I'm cool with that.”
“Yeah?” I finally get the courage to glance at him and try to gauge if he's honestly alright.
“Yes.” A full white smile spreads across his face and some of the nerves I had wash away. “We’re good.”
“You don't think it's… I don't know, maybe gross or odd?”
“It's a bit odd. I admit I was weirded out at first, but he's not your real brother and I can’t judge what I don't know.” He shrugs and starts drumming his thumbs on th
e wheel when a new song comes on.
“That sounds like something your mom used to say.” I laugh, remembering when we were little his mom always had something profound to say.
“Oh, yeah. It's one of her many favorite quotes from her ‘words of wisdom’ calendars.” He laughs with me, as he pulls into the parking spot in front of the red-brick building of the medical plaza. “We’re here.”
“Thank you for taking me. I appreciate it and for everything else too,” I say sincerely, glad to have my friend back.
“No problem. Did you want me to pick you up when you’re done?” he offers, and though I’m tempted to say yes, I don’t want to put him out or have Colin catch him dropping me off.
“No, I can have Colin get me. But thanks.”
“Alright, Abbs. I’ll see you Monday.” Monday? I question, eyeing him curiously.
“Wow. You really are on some other planet. There’s no school the next two days. Remember? Teacher days or some shit.”
Hell, I’m surprised I even remember my name right now.
“Oh yeah. I forgot.” Feeling like a bit of a dunce, I say one final goodbye and slide out of the Jeep. I wave as he drives away and make my way to the OB office.
I check in with the receptionist and then sit in one of the chairs. There’s some lame Muzak playing from a small radio in the corner and only one other woman waiting. She’s extremely pregnant, rubbing her stomach lovingly. Her hair is a bit of a mess and she looks tired with light bags under her eyes. She doesn't appear as drastic looking as what WebMD made late pregnancy to be. There’s a smile tugging on her lips as she reads some baby magazine.
She’s happy, and I wonder if that’s how I’ll be at that point. Would Colin come to my appointments and tenderly rub my stomach as well? I don’t get to think about it fully when a nurse steps out and calls my name.
Nurse Wanda, greets me sweetly, asking what brings me in today. The bubbly smile doesn’t leave her face to make judgement when I tell her I think I’m pregnant as she takes my weight.
“Alright, well I’m going to need you to pee in this cup and leave it inside the little metal door in the bathroom.” She hands me a clear container with a bright yellow lid. “Once you’re done, you can go into room four.”
I do as I’m told and then jump on the paper-lined exam table to wait. What seems like forever later, Nurse Wanda comes back in to check my vitals. She asks about my last period and symptoms. I let her know heavy smells make me sick, and that I had turned into Attila the Hun over the last few weeks, which makes her laugh.
“Oh sweetie, I doubt you’ve been that bad, but I understand what you mean.” She puts the blood pressure cuff away and pats my knee. “The doctor should be right in. Okay?”
I nod, and she makes her exit.
My legs kick against the exam table as I stare at the clock on the wall. The second hand mocks me, ticking extra loud, and going extra slow. I swear it just ticked backward.
Why do doctors always make you wait? Just tell me yes or no already.
The door opens, and heels click on the tile, stopping me from yanking the clock off the wall. My head spins to the older woman, wearing a pale pink blouse and a grey pencil skirt, who has just walked in. Her dark hair fans around her face and her kind brown eyes bring me comfort.
“Miss Miller, I’m Dr. Montgomery. How are you feeling?”
“Anxious.” Put me out of my misery already!
“Yes, I'm sure you are. Well, your urine test did come back positive for pregnancy.”
I nod, absorbing what she's told me. There’s no question about it now and I’m just glad to know for sure.
“Okay. So, what happens now?”
“Well first, I want to make you aware of your options—”
“Options? You mean like abortion?” My voice shakes, cutting her off. I know abortion would be the last thing I would ever do. I'm all about pro-choice, but no, I couldn’t. No matter how scared I am, or what might happen to us, this is my baby. A part of me, and it’s my job now to do everything in my power to do my best to provide for him or her.
“Well, that and there's also adoption, and of course parenting. If you considered adoption though, you would need to talk to the father of the child.”
“No, I want this. I'm young, but I couldn't give up my baby.” My arms circle around my midsection, feeling the need to protect them, maybe even hold them.
“That's very brave of you. It seems motherhood already suits you.” She walks to the wheeled stool and sits beside me. “Just know you can always change your mind and when we’re done today I can give you some information on some helpful services that handle teen pregnancy. Also, I'm going to draw some blood, check your HCG levels, iron, and see if you're RH negative or not.” She takes a deep breath and glances back at the papers on her lap. “Your file says you were on birth control, have you stopped taking that?”
“Yeah, but only on Monday. Will the baby be alright?”
“Yes, the baby should be more than fine. Now that doesn’t mean that there’s not always a small risk; there are risks in all pregnancies. We can talk about those afterward in my office. Now usually, we wait till the next appointment, but since you mentioned you’re into week three of your missed period, we can do an ultrasound now. If you want?”
“Yeah. I do.”
“Great. Let me get the machine setup. It'll take me just a minute.” Sliding over to the computer, I watch as she types in my information. Then an eerie thought pops into my mind.
“You won't tell my mother, will you?” Her fingers freeze on the keyboard and she looks over at me, tucking her hair behind her ear.
“I won't call her, but I can't promise that the insurance won't send her something. I do suggest you tell her soon because if she doesn’t find out that way, you will start showing.”
My head bows and I twist my fingers in my lap. A cold chill runs down my spine, knowing I'm fucking screwed one way or another. When they find out, I have a feeling it will become world war three in my house
I need to get out of there somehow.
“Are you okay, hun?” She grabs my hand and I shake my head, not being able to make eye contact. “If you're not safe you can tell me. That changes everything.”
I should tell her I'm not. I'm scared of Victor and what he would do. What he has done. But would anybody believe me? It's all hearsay. I have no proof or any marks. Not even my mom believed me. If they investigate and find nothing it could end up making the devil angrier. I'm not sure it’s worth the risk and I would have to talk to Colin first.
“I'm just scared, but I'm okay.”
She studies my face for a moment, before taking a steady breath and squeezing my hand. “Alright, but if that ever changes please let me, or someone you trust know. It's not just you now. Your safety is important.”
“I will. I promise.”
“Good. Now let’s take a look, shall we?”
She tells me to lay back and wants to try the external wand first, since she believes I might be far enough along, without needing to be invasive.
“Now this might be a little cold.” She shakes the white bottle and squirts the blue gel on my belly. It's not too bad, just slimy.
The screen comes to life when she places the wand on my stomach. There’s what looks like a black hole surrounded by gray and white. She enhances the picture as she moves the wand around and soon there’s this white dot, in the middle of all this black. “There’s your baby.” Dr. Montgomery smiles brightly at me as she points to the screen. “I’m going to do some measurements, but you see this little flicker?”
“Yeah?”
“That’s the baby's heartbeat.”
Dr. Montgomery points out the head, arms, and legs and I’m blown away. Seeing this little baby, who is not even the size of my hand yet, and their heart beating is all surreal. I’m terrified, confused, but also overjoyed. I fall instantly in love with this tiny peanut living inside of me; a little baby who is half of me and
half of Colin. Tears well in my eyes, and I’m still left staring in awe.
I’m going to be a mom!
Now, all I have to do is tell this peanut's daddy.
I’m pacing my bedroom, chewing on my nails, while my heart hammers in my chest. I texted Colin to meet me in my room when he got home from work, but I still have no idea how to break this news to him.
Maybe when he comes through the door, I should throw some streamers and yell surprise, you’re going to be a dad. Whooo! Get a banner and a noise maker for added effect. Then he’ll hug me, and we can run off into the sunset together.
I mean, how can he be mad? We love each other. We’ll be a family, and this won’t change anything.
Who am I kidding?
It changes everything.
We’re going to be responsible for another human being, and I haven’t even finished high school. We also have to find a place to live because it certainly won’t be here. That’s even if we survive our parents when they find out because I’m pretty sure they’ll kill us. Him more than me.
All these thoughts are not helping the queasiness in my stomach, nor are they stopping my head from spinning. I’m seconds away from passing out from my anxiety.
I collapse on my bed, my mind exhausted from the racing thoughts. Grabbing my pillow, I place it over my head and let out a long scream.
The bed dips beside me and a strong arm removes the pillow from my face. My mouth snaps shut coming face to face with my boyfriend, who is finding my dramatics hilarious.
“When you asked me to come in here, I wasn’t expecting to see you trying to suffocate yourself with a pillow.” Colin throws the pillow aside, and lays down next to me, propping himself up on his elbow. “What’s wrong?” His thumb rubs my cheek, coaxing me to talk. I wonder if he can hear the pounding of my heart.
I look up at the ceiling, chewing on my lip so hard it might bleed. “I don’t know how to tell you.”
“Just tell me,” he urges, placing a small kiss on my nose.
Like a band-aid; rip it off and prepare for him to curse like a sailor.
I let out a large puff of air, preparing myself for what’s next. “Could you bring me my backpack? It’ll be better if I show you.”
So Wrong So Right Page 18
