by Guy Browning
They bicker incessantly without ever coming to a reasonable compromise.
The only silence you’ll ever get is when you ask who broke something.
Kids have an extraordinary capacity to highlight adult hypocrisy.
Even when you’ve explained that it’s one rule for you, another for them.
Things It’s Impossible to Explain to People Who Don’t Have Kids
It’s not important what I do for a living.
It’s not important what I eat.
It’s not important what I wear.
It’s not important what I say or think or feel.
I have to get that food into that mouth.
I have to change the nappy otherwise that smell will kill someone.
I have to fold a double buggy into a small car with one hand.
I have to strap three kids into seats without banging my head.
I have to have moist wipes within arm’s reach 24 hours a day.
I have to read and reread THOMAS THE SODDING TANK ENGINE.
Phrases I’ve Suddenly Noticed Comprise 90% of My Conversation
How’s it going?
It’s all go.
There you go.
Fair enough.
Gosh.
You’re joking.
Indeed.
Tell me about it.
That’s just the way it is.
Mustn’t keep you.
Why I Still Write Lists
If I didn’t I would be standing in a cupboard shouting.
I write what I feel first. I immediately feel better.
Then I write what I think. Chew things over a bit.
Then I coolly analyse my feelings. Might blow my nose at this point.
I then consider what I should do about the situation.
I might then make some impressive promises to myself.
Then I tell myself to get real. It’s me we’re talking about.
At point 8 I normally run out of points.
But this is when the calm extra thought arrives.
And then we can move on relatively sensibly.
Why Arguments with Abi Seem to Be in Reverse
Out of the blue she suddenly bursts into tears and runs out of the room.
I go up and see her. She shouts at me and says I don’t understand.
I try really hard to understand but then get confused and angry.
We talk at the same time round in circles. The same circles every time.
Then we hear one of the kids and we stop.
We do a lot of sniffing and gulping and try hard to calm down.
Then we manage to say what’s on our mind.
Tissues are deployed and we clear ourselves up.
Excuses are offered normally featuring overtiredness.
Points accepted we then go back downstairs. Tea/vodka is made.
The Truth About Engineers
Nothing really happens anywhere without an engineer involved.
Even if you’re on a bench kissing – bench installed by engineer.
Just because I’m an engineer doesn’t mean I can fix your toaster.
If an engineer talks too much, run away. Something will fall down.
Some of the most creative people in the world are engineers.
But we hide it under our hard-hats and industrial-strength modesty.
Getting the right answer is critical for an engineer.
Engineers always want a solution. Even to complex emotional stuff.
Which is why engineers don’t understand complex emotional stuff.
Something is going wrong in my marriage and I can’t fix it.
What Happens When Abi Goes Up to See Her Friend Penny
I look after the kids. There are tears and tantrums. But they don’t mind.
We all watch the Battle of Britain DVD which the kids love.
I wonder what part of our marriage will be put under the microscope.
I quietly empathise with Penny’s husband Terry who is in a bad bad place.
Abi returns energised like she’s had a big workout which she kind of has.
After a while Abi starts using words and phrases she’s never used before.
The fat patronising presence of Penny will then be in the room.
I try to work out which relationship theory is being applied to me.
Abi has a large vodka. Uses more new phrases. Starts crying.
I go and change Dan’s nappy as it seems simpler and less messy.
Why I Sometimes Get Really Really Sick of Myself
Everything I say is boring rubbish and often borderline offensive.
I’m not a good friend to my good friends.
I don’t have a bucket list of exciting things to tick off.
And that’s from the person with a million lists. Pathetic.
I don’t floss. It frightens me. I do not want to saw my head off.
I have the willpower of a small sickly gnat.
That’s probably offensive to gnats. They’ve bitten most of Scotland.
My body is like the bit you cut off bacon. Before you’ve fried it.
The distribution of my hair is ridiculous. What am I evolving into?
I am an ungrateful, whining, self-indulgent, flabby sofa monkey.
How I Feel After I’ve Eaten
Much better.
Things really aren’t that bad.
It annoys me that I’m such a simple animal.
That my world can be hugely improved by two slices of toast.
And one chocolate éclair.
Or two éclairs because they’re not actually that big.
And I deserve it.
Because I’ve got a lot of issues to deal with.
Which aren’t actually that bad.
Now that I’ve eaten.
Why I Visited the SS Great Britain Twice in One Day
We visited SS Great Britain in Bristol, a great day out for the family.
Especially families who need to be shown Britain’s engineering history.
It was a pretty successful day until we all got home.
And realised that Leo’s rabbit Hooee had been left somewhere in Bristol.
I offered Leo the spare rabbit which he threw across the room in disgust.
The SS Great Britain was about to close but I just got there in time.
A wonderful lady called Sylvia had found Hooee and stored him safely.
I wanted to marry Sylvia right there and then.
Instead I gave her the spare rabbit which was perfect for her nephew.
I am sure there’s some kind of karmic lesson there.fn1
fn1 No idea what it is.
Anecdotes I Must Stop Telling Because Even I Find Them Boring
The one about the iguana on the ceiling fan.
The one about me throwing away my lawnmower grassbox.
The one about me sharing a lift with Roger Moore.
The one about the randy charging cow and Abi hurdling barbed wire.
The one about me inadvertently mooning on White Horse Hill.
The one about me being at school with the Rt Hon. Alexander Cartwright.
The one about me crossing into China without a visa.
The one about me as a kid putting unwanted sprouts in the freezer.
The one about me running over the woman in the big yellow dress.
And how her going over the top of my car was like a Shell carwash.fn1
fn1 I’ll probably keep telling this one.
Why I Have Taken a Job in Libya
I am sick of substations. And the crap people throw into them.
I actually miss oil rigs. They’re big with interesting wiring and people.
This job will last three months which is a long time away from home.
But it will pay the equivalent of two and a half years of substations.
Abi’s parents will come and help look after the kids.
Abi’s dad has volunteered to come with me to Libya.
I will miss the kids horribly but this is for their benefit.
Abi said, ‘It will be like a trial separation.’ I think she was joking.
A small guilty part of me is looking forward to getting away.
It will be like a beach holiday without the sea. Probably.
How I Learned to Swear in Spanish
Libya is bigger than Europe. It also has more gas and oil than Europe.
I am in the far south where there is lots of nothing. Except oil.
I live with 500 expats in a Portakabin city with no alcohol or women.
If I wanted to become a monk this would be good training.
I am powering up new oil wells. My boss is a Mexican with issues.
In the morning I drive him to the rigs while he curses Libya.
At lunchtime I drive him back to base where he curses his ex-wife.
After siesta we curse humanity, especially Panamanians. No reason given.
Back to work cursing sand, flies, heat, gringos, Land Rovers and in-laws.
Drive back with undiluted continuous swearing at random targets.
My Understanding of Advanced Theoretical Physicsfn1
The force of gravity attracts objects together like a falling apple.
That’s because mass causes the space–time continuum to bend.
Like someone heavy lying in the middle of a soft mattress.
Small objects then roll towards larger objects like Maltesers in bed.
But if you’re inside the apple things look different. It’s all relative.
What happens in the subatomic structure of the apple is even odder.
Things happen and don’t happen at the same time.
Which makes time itself look rather flexible.
Thankfully the speed of light is a constant. At the moment.
But probably wasn’t before the Big Bang. So that’s all clear.
fn1 Written in the middle of a three-day Saharan shamal (sandstorm) in a competition with myself to write the most difficult list.
How Abi Coped With Me Being Away for Three Months
She did a brilliant job.
Her mum was actually very helpful.
She looked after the kids a lot.
So that Abi could have a bit of a break.
Mostly with her new friend Adrian from work.
Who was also very helpful.
Very.
Helpful.
Indeed.
The kids have shot up. I’m never leaving them that long again.
Why I’m Pulling the Plug on My Engineering Career
I have started giving substations pet names.
I have calculated enough service loads and arc-flash-incident energies.
I’ve seen all the motor-control panel boards I ever want to see.
I’m getting tired of wearing flame-retardant underpants.
I spend hours every day trying to clear my email inbox.
Abi has asked for a divorce. That was also in my inbox.
I want to see my children more than every other weekend.
The more you earn, the more you pay, the less you see your kids.
I’m not going to work to pay for the privilege of not seeing them.
They’ll be gone before I know it. I need to be here for them now.
Interesting Things About Marriage Guidance (Part 2)
The Relate meetings are held in the office of a local law firm.
Which is like having a doctors’ surgery based in a mortuary.
They want you to get better but it’s feeding time if you don’t.
Our counsellor asked us what we wanted to get from the session.
We beat around a few bushes and raked over a few coals.
She asked us if we wanted to stay together. There was a silence.
And then Abi’s stomach made a sound like a washing machine draining.
On the way home we agreed to divorce and then popped into Tesco’s.
We did the divorce without lawyers with a DIY pack from WHSmith.
It cost us £75. Plus more than half of everything I’ve ever earned ever.
Where I Was When the Rt Hon. Alexander Cartwright Lost His Seat
In my seat. The sofa in my new divorced-dad mini-house.
He had a lovely smile on his face when the results were being read out.
Until he realised he’d lost.
Or rather that someone else who wasn’t him had won.
He still had the exact same smile but it wasn’t lovely any more.
My psychologist friend says he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
He can’t register any reality that’s not entirely favourable to himself.
The voters did that job for him.
It was a lovely moment. But not for him.
But he’ll be back because he’s made of unsinkable material.
How the Valley of Death Isn’t All Bad
My friend Tom’s Hollywood film never got green-lighted.
Which meant that it was never made and nor was Tom’s career.
While he was waiting for his next audition he went on a road trip.
In Death Valley he stopped to take a photo in a place called Badwater.
And got talking to a couple of British girls on holiday.
One of whom (Alice, very nice) he’s now engaged to.
Who lives about eight miles from me.
Where Tom has now also moved to.
Doing his exciting new job in PR.
So much for my career as his bag carrier/Emily Blunt attendant.
Jobs I’m Considering While Sitting in Empty Housefn1 With No Kids
Hit man. One-off jobs on people mainly called Adrian.
Electrical engineer. Yes, I know I’ve just given that up. Shut up.
But I had a salary and beautiful benefits. Pension! Health care! Friends!
Writer. Action-packed novels based on globetrotting electrical engineer.
Tesco checkout. I’m a people person. Except for the one I married.
English teacher. I can brush up on my Marxism.
Electrical engineering consultant. Like my old job but with no benefits.
Actor. Playing Everyman electrical-engineering-type roles.
Dog walker. With or without dog. That’s what I’m currently doing.
Electrical engineer.
fn1 Scatter cushion to person ratio 0:1.
Skills Needed to Access ‘Easy Open’ Ready Meals for One
First-class engineering degree, preferably mechanical.
Instruction-decoding capability of Bletchley Park.
Three-inch sharpened nails on at least seven fingers.
Pulling-apart power of 24 horses in each direction.
Applied-twisting power of nuclear submarine’s main turbine shaft.
Microscopic vision to see PULL HERE label. Braille skills to locate end.
Patience of St Enduro, patron saint of the incredibly patient.
Basic butchery skills in handling large extremely sharp knives.
Karate black belt for application of immense force in single blow.
First-aid knowledge to treat inadvertent but serious self-harm.
What Being Divorced Feels Like
An incredibly tedious ruinously expensive catastrophe.
An unmitigated confusing unnecessary disaster for the kids.
A brutal destruction of all your assumptions about the rest of your life.
Nights with nothing to do but view the smoking wreck of your life.
A surprising lack of young women making themselves instantly available.
A great way of getting rid of your ex-wife’s interior-decor choices.fn1
A catastrophic deterioration in your diet/health/finances.
A mixture of incredible anger at/mild sympathy for Adrian.
How has he earned the right to spend time with my kids? He hasn’t.
But when the kids are with me I’ve never felt closer to them.
fn1 And mother
-in-law. That’s almost worth everything else put together.
How to Avoid Talking to People About Your Divorce
Hide if you can. Run away if you have to.
Pretend you haven’t seen them. Look sideways for no reason.
If they spot you, wave, then cross the road through heavy traffic.
Speed up your walking. Say ‘Hi’ just as you pass them. Dart into shop.
Say ‘I mustn’t keep you’ after four seconds of conversation.
Feign a migraine that makes eye contact/talking impossible.
Say ‘Indeed’ and walk off as if nothing more could possibly be said.
Hide in your house with all the lights off. Muffle your breathing.
Get your post redirected. Consider extensive plastic surgery. Emigrate.
Or say it was just one of those things and you wish Abi the best of luck.
How Lucy’s New Boyfriend Makes My Heart Sing with Joy
I took my parents round to Lucy’s house to meet new boyfriend Ian.
He seemed relatively normal for a Lucy boyfriend. If slightly nervous.
Everything went smoothly until he wanted to show us something online.
He brought his laptop over which had a 22ft lead to the broadband hub.
I asked him whether his laptop could do Wi-Fi. It looked quite new.
‘Wi-Fi makes you impotent,’ he said. That’s when I began to like Ian.
He also has his mobile in a protective pouch against radio waves.
Which ‘affect your mental wave patterns’. I love that man.
Lucy’s expression dared me to make fun of him. Would I do that?
I asked Ian how he was protecting himself from the microwave.
My First Holiday with All the Kids as a Single Dad
