by Guy Browning
On crutches that’s how you remember which leg to lead with.
Otherwise you end up in a heap at the bottom. Or back in hospital.
At home I propel myself round on an office chair with wheels.
My kids sometimes wheel me into a dark corner. A preview of old age.
Going to the loo is a combination of gymnastics and drive-by shooting.
On the bright side my upper body has muscles I’ve never seen before.
Reasons Why I Am Never Rude About Trainspotters
I am one. Secretly. Like all men. But I’m increasingly out.
We’d all like our life to run on rails. With a powerful engine.
And exotic destinations. Like Adlestrop. And Doncaster.
Serial killers are never trainspotters. It’s one or the other.
Then I watched a new programme on TV about rail journeys.
The sort of journeys I’d like to be taking with the family.fn1
It was presented by the ex-Rt Hon. Alexander Cartwright. Now Alex.
Who I didn’t go to primary school with. How did he get that gig?
When there are a million men more trainspottier than him.
His smile was the same. But this time he was genuinely happy.
fn1 If I had an entirely different family that loved trains.
Possible Things My Mum’s ‘Interesting Development’ Could Be
She’s pregnant. Highly unlikely at 73. But I would welcome a sibling.
She’s coming out. Possible. She’s always been close to Hilary Barnet.
She and Dad are getting divorced. Finally snapped about ‘concierge’ gag.
She’s won an enormous amount of money. I’ve already spent it mentally.
They are bankrupt because they have fallen victim to a scam. More likely.
Your sisters are not really your sisters. Quite relaxed about that one.
Selling up and buying a narrow boat. Unlikely. Dad needs to dig potatoes.
I’m actually adopted. Nope. I can see where my splayed toes come from.
Cancer. That’s probably what it is. Really don’t want that at all.
They’ve got a cat. It’ll be that. Mum’s been desperate for one for years.
How God Singled Out My Father for Special Treatment
His train was severely delayed. Got talking to a man on platform.
Heard about model railway exhibition in town hall that Sunday.
Went to town hall but entered wrong room where people were praying.
Too embarrassed to leave. Was called to front by ‘priestess’.
Hands were laid on him. He focused on retaining his wallet.
Felt strange. Broke down in floods of tears. Group hug.
Blinding light and feelings of fathomless joy and wonder.
Dad now goes to church twice every Sunday and some weekdays.
Talks about Priestess Henrietta continuously. Prays before tea.
Mum has closed their joint current account just in case.
How I Am Very Rapidly Instilling in My Children a Love of Culture
I have introduced a concept called ‘Speed museum/gallery/exhibition’.
We’re only allowed 50 minutes in total not including tea room/gift shop.
All galleries/rooms have to be covered. Running is not allowed.
Each child has to stop at two exhibits and say, ‘This is fascinating.’
They then have to say why it interests them. Irony is prohibited.
There must be at least 100 paces between exhibits to prevent cheating.
I am allowed ‘to be boring’ about one exhibit for 3 minutes.
They earn £5 to lash out in tea room/gift shop as they see fit.
We did the British Museum in 51 minutes. Very pleased with that.
It’s actually quite good exercise but that’s not how I sell it.
My Mugs in Descending Order of Drinking Preference
Plain white with fat rim. Like kissing someone with lovely lips.fn1
Large Starbucks mug for weekend milky coffee (yes I did pay for it).
Small/medium mug with Bournville logo. Good for small strong coffee.
‘Comfort Diner’ mug from America. Recreates authentic diner experience.
St Lawrence Church fundraising mug. My grandad (RIP) designed it.
Blue Sainsbury’s mugs. Perfect size for second meditative tea of day.
Union Jack mug. Has to have tea in really if we’re going to be British.
Flowery mug with delicate handle. Secretly wants to be a refined cup.
‘World’s Best Dad’. I’m sorry but I just don’t like the design.fn2
Fat ugly hand-painted mug from craft shop with earhole for handle.
fn1 I didn’t say this list wasn’t going to be sad and pathetic.
fn2 Very tricky as this was present from Amelia.
Breakthrough Moments in the Progress of Civilisation
Arable farming was the first one so we didn’t have to hunt and gather.
Metalworking for swords and ploughshares and attractive jewellery.
The invention of the wheel for carts, wheelbarrows, scooters.
Movable type and printing. For books and pamphlets and junk mail.
Discovery of gunpowder to allow mass killing/firework displays.
Scientific revolution for working out things with rulers, maths, etc.
The Industrial Revolution for steel, steam power, railways.
Medical revolution for preventing/curing unpleasant diseases.
Technological revolution for computers, TV, Internet, Grand Theft Auto.
Alan’s idea that the Dads’ Soul Choir should throw a few shapes.fn1
fn1 Have a few dance moves.
Why Alan Is the Last Person You Would Expect Moves From
Alan sells the alerts for trucks that say ‘Caution Vehicle Reversing’.
He can say it in five different languages. And he does. Often.
He used to sell reflective chevrons for trucks until his big break.
He has the thickest skin of any animal not technically armoured.
When he’s drunk he becomes totally still apart from his drinking arm.
Every Sunday he jogs five miles slower than he can walk it.
His wife ‘works nights’ although no one has ever seen her.
One night he showed us a move he’d been working on.
We knew he couldn’t be drunk because he did actually move.
Deborah got us all doing it to ‘Going Back to My Roots’.fn1
fn1 Odyssey obviously. The intro would make a dead man dance.
How Crime and Punishment Works in the Digital Age
Daniel (10) really wanted me to buy him some superhero DVD.
I said that was out of the question because it had a 15 certificate.
He did some very high-pressure wide-eyed wheedling.
I decided to stick to my guns. Yes, I know it was only a 15 not an 18.
But still. Sometimes you’ve got to draw a line.
I then discovered that he’d downloaded it illegally and watched it.
I removed his computer and phone. He looked as though he’d been shot.
I then had to play Monopoly with him for two and a half hours straight.
Then a long walk to the rec to play football for hours in the cold.
When he suggested Scrabble I decided we’d had quite enough punishment.
Why I Think I May Be an Evolutionary Cul-de-Sac
Small cartons of orange juice for school lunches come in three-packs.
Which are very tightly wrapped in cellophane.
I normally select a very sharp knife to separate the three cartons.
I know that every time I do this I will puncture one of the cartons.
And cover myself in orange juice while wasting a perfectly good carton.
But every time I am convinced that I am actually a skilled neurosurgeon.
Until the point I puncture the carton and cover myself in orange juice.
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If orange juice were blood, I would be long dead.
I am certain that I will never change this tried and tested approach.
Because deep down I know that I am a highly skilled neurosurgeon.
Tom’s Second Chance at the Big Time
The Dads’ Soul Choir was making me quietly happy in a noisy way.
I don’t think I’ve ever looked forward to Thursdays so much.
Then a team of consultantsfn1 suggested we enter Britain’s Got Talent.
I said the last thing I needed was to become a national embarrassment.
My kids accepted my decision respectfully which is how it should be.
Tom called shortly afterwards to suggest the song we should sing.
Alan was working on some new moves with Deborah.
I got a random email wishing us all the very best of luck.
Because it was on the Dads’ Soul Choir BGT Facebook page.
Posted by my kids two days before I made my respected decision.
fn1 My kids.
Why We Nearly Didn’t Make It to Our Finest Hour
Our coach was held up at the Hangar Lane Gyratory.fn1
Alan got on the coach PA and said he had an announcement to make.
Was it ‘Caution Vehicle Reversing’ by any chance?
He said that he was going to ask Deborah out. There was nearly a riot.
This was completely out of order. For a start he was married.
But apparently his never-seen wife was a figment of his imagination.
Then Chris said he was also about to ask Deborah out.
Mike said he’d been in love with Deborah from day one.
Turns out that we were all in love with Deborah from day one.
We agreed that we were all sad and pathetic losers.fn2
fn1 Which to be honest I always thought was a prototype helicopter.
fn2 But I know that me and Deborah will probably happen. Definitely.
Our Four and a Half Minutes of Fame
We were all pretty nervous before the live recording of BGT.
I convinced myself that it was just a glorified Road Safety Seminar.
In front of around 7,000 screaming girls mostly.
Deborah got us nicely warmed up but we were all still pretty tense.
Then Tom suggested we do some actors’ breathing exercises.
We were halfway through when Alan started laughing uncontrollably.
Soon there was a room full of middle-aged men crying with laughter.
We went on and nailed ‘Come As You Are’, the Beverley Knight classic.
Alan needed medical attention afterwards but we were all quite chuffed.fn1
My kids said they were proud. For me that’s winning the popular vote.
fn1 Slight understatement. We were like hysterical children.
My Father’s Illness, Death and Funeral in 10 Points
My dad died of leukaemia, a disease of the little tunnels in the body.
It took him so quickly he was gone before we’d got used to him being ill.
My mother went into professional hospice mode.
I’ve never seen her smile so much.
We buried him in dark, damp earth at the edge of the churchyard.
I couldn’t help thinking that he’d simply tunnel his way out.
A group of French engineers came and said some lovely things about him.
Impressive things that he never mentioned at the dinner table.
The first time it all really hit home was clearing out his shed.
I looked at the boxes of onions all stacked up tidily and I sobbed.
One Thing My Dad Said Which Now Makes Sense
Dad always used to talk about the Box in the Loft.
This box was to be opened only after his death with the BITL key.
We thought it would be his stamp collection which is worth a bit.
Pretty much the last thing he said to me was ‘Don’t forget the box’.
The box contained £32,000 in neat £1,000 bundles of cash.
Dad had been regularly withdrawing his savings since his diagnosis.
There was a note saying to divide it between the kids and not to argue.
My sisters insisted on counting the bundles. Every single note.
And every single bundle was correct. What did they expect from Dad?
Sadly, that’s exactly what I expected from them.
What I Have Learned About Sex in 30 Years On and Off
In terms of physics, sex is a little bit like gravity only much stronger.
It causes random bodies to be massively attracted to each other.
Sex takes up less than 1% of actual time and 84% of mental time.
A side effect of sex worth being aware of is that it can lead to babies.
Nature has arranged it so that no one makes the connection at the time.
Sex gets slower but better as you get older. Like rambling.
I calculate that I have satisfied 42% of the women I have slept with.fn1
Sexuality is as varied as food and everyone has their own tastes.
My sexuality is of the double eggs and chips variety. With tea.
Between sex and double egg and chips I know what I fancy most now.
fn1 Satisfaction being measured by awakeness, vital signs, general alertness.
Why I May Not Quite Understand the Whole Gardening Thing
When the grass grows I cut it.
When bushes grow I trim them.
When flowers grow I prune them.
Gardening seems a lot like shaving.
It’s continuous and you have to do it otherwise things look shaggy.
Open Gardens are like crack cocaine to my mother.
People only open their gardens when they look absolutely immaculate.
Instead of overgrown with 10-foot weeds. Which would be better.
You would have visitors drooling at the sheer secateurs potential.
My garden is like my face. Tidy but with no interesting borders.
Why I Am Now a Bigger Global Celebrity Than Tom Ever Was
I am being paid to fly to Finland to make a personal appearance.
Finland is a world leader in road safety (and F1 drivers weirdly).
They charge people a percentage of their income for speeding fines.
So one Finnish millionaire was charged £42,000 for speeding.
He now lives in Germany where you can drive like a verrückten narren.fn1
I’m going to a Global Highways Regulation Conference. Yes, that’s right.
Where I am one of the Keynote Speakers. In other words a celebrity.
The world is rapidly becoming aware of my Speed Awareness Courses.
There is also an exhibition of road safety and signage paraphernalia.
I might bring a traffic cone home for Tom. Signed if he’s lucky.
fn1 Crazy fool.
Why I Am Grateful to the Japanese for Their Love of Flamenco
Helsinki airport is a hub for European flights to Asia.
From there you fly over the North Pole. Like Father Christmas.
Or Santa-san as they call him in Japan.
On my flight home I sat next to a Spanish lady called Lourdes.
She was returning from Japan where she had been teaching flamenco.
Apparently the Japanese are absolutely obsessed with flamenco.
She showed me her dancing class on her phone. Weird but impressive.
I told her that I too was a professional dancer. She laughed.
I showed her the Dads’ Soul Choir on my phone. She laughed again.
We agreed to meet up in London so I could show her a few moves.
How I’m Preparing for My Date With Lourdes
For a start it’s not a date. We’re just mature adults meeting for a chat.
We’re fellow dance professionals meeting as a professional courtesy.
So it’s not a date. Even though I’m agonising about my trouser
s.
I keep wanting to pull the waist up high, flamenco-style.
Not a good look unless you are Antonio Banderas in Take the Lead.fn1
I’m also trying to fall out of love before we meet again.
Because like a twat I have already fallen half in love.
I am an emotional premature ejaculator and I must learn to control it.
In fact I don’t really like her. I’m just going to be polite.
I’ve bought some new deodorant which smells worse than my armpits.
fn1 2006 film where he single-handedly proves attractiveness of Latin men.
If I Was Lourdes How I Would Rate Our Date
It was a poor choice of restaurant. Although the food was good.
Kind of cool facing the open-plan kitchen. Except for the shouting chef.
He’s a nice guy but far too eccentric for my liking (me not the chef).
Very English in that uncool, puppyish, goofy, self-deprecating way.
But full marks for talking to me in Spanish – with a Mexican accent.
Although virtually every other word was an obscenity.
Liked the fact his children are same age as mine. And he loves them.
He’s a good dad and a nice man but he’s no Javier Bardem.
I wish he hadn’t attempted to do flamenco on our way to the Tube.
I think he’s in love with me. Probably won’t see him again.
If I Was Myself How I Would Rate My Date with Lourdes
For a start it wasn’t a date. All right it was a date.
Poor choice of restaurant. I wanted to stab the chef with his own knife.
I’m not completely and utterly in love with Lourdes.
She’s a very attractive woman obviously. And very sexy.
