by Lilly Wilder
I rubbed my wrist and looked at the deep red marks he had given me, rubbing it so that my skin would return to its normal color. I had no idea why I had been brought here, but clearly it was for something mysterious. I wanted to know why this was so important, but no matter how hard I thought I couldn’t understand. I needed more information, but I had a feeling it wasn’t going to be forthcoming.
I crawled onto the bed and pulled the cover over me, intending to get some rest as I knew I had to keep up my strength, even though now I didn’t have anybody else to worry about. I wondered if Mel would tell anyone, but from the way she looked I doubted it. Even if she trusted the police anymore than I she would have been deterred from taking any action by Jackson’s warning. But, I supposed, there was at least small mercy in the fact that they wouldn’t have to bring anyone else here now that they had me. Amy wouldn’t have to worry anymore…but I realized that if Mel kept to the promise she had made nobody would come and find me, not even Harper.
My slumber was restless and I twisted and turned all through the night. The room was warm. I usually liked sleeping with a window open to feel the coolness of the fresh air, but even that had been denied me.
I awoke in the morning to the sound of a soft knock. I wasn’t expecting politeness from my kidnappers, so I wasn’t surprised when the door opened and Jamie was standing there. He seemed the least extreme of the three brothers. He was holding a tray of food again and brought it inside.
“Thank you,” I said, smiling sweetly at him. His eyes darted away, as though he wasn’t sure how to handle attention from women. I wondered if he was a virgin, and I thought it terrible that his older brothers had inducted him into this life when he was so clearly not suited to it. There was no doubt in my mind that he had been instructed not to talk to me, so he immediately went to leave. “Jamie, wait, please!” I said. He paused. “Can’t you tell me anything about why I’m here? I don’t understand what makes me so special? Why did you bring Mel here if you only wanted me? Is this all some sort of sick game?”
The questions were coming thick and fast in my mind, but I knew he wouldn’t be able to answer them all and I didn’t want to overwhelm him. Sometimes silence was more powerful than speech.
“It’s not a game,” Jamie said, his voice had a terse edge to it.
“Then what is it? Why am I here?”
There was a pause. Jamie seemed to be in conflict with himself.
“You’re here to save us,” he said, and then he left, perhaps feeling as though he had told me too much. I watched the door close behind him and was left with much on my mind. The mystery was piling up and I seemed to have been thrust into a cryptic situation. There was something more going on here, something deep, something that I couldn’t quite get a grasp on.
9
For the most part I was left with my own thoughts, sitting sullenly in the small room. The sun rose and fell, food was brought to me, and I wondered why the three brothers had bothered bringing me here at all if they weren’t even going to interact with me. They probably didn’t know it, but leaving me by myself was the worst thing they could have done. My mind spiraled and ran through the past and replayed all my mistakes and the things I regretted. I thought about all the different paths I could have taken and I made myself miserable, because surely this was the worst possible outcome? Out of all the potential directions my life could have taken this was the one that had happened, and I couldn’t think of how it could be any worse. The only thing yet to happen was for me to be dead, and I still wasn’t sure that was beyond the realms of possibility. I kept telling myself that if they wanted me dead I would be by now, but then why hadn’t they done anything with me yet?
The waiting was the most tortuous part. By a certain point I wanted them to do anything to me just to get it over with.
Just when I thought I was going stir crazy the door opened. I expected it to be food, but instead Jackson stood there, looking imperious in his white vest. His muscles were lined with thick veins and a bed of hair sprouted from his chest. He wore a scowl, and I was surprised to see him. Although I was desperate to get out of the room I wasn’t going to make things easy for him. I turned my head away and sighed.
“Only if you tell me why I’m here,” I said.
“I don’t have time for this,” Jackson growled, and stomped into the room. He grabbed me by the wrist and dragged me off the bed with such force that I had no chance to resist. I had never met anyone who could manhandle me so easily. I yelped and tried to wriggle free, but it was no use at all. The bed sheets were dragged with me and fell to the floor.
“You have to tell me!” I pleaded, trying to hide the pain from my voice, trying and failing.
“I don’t have to do anything. Don’t you get this yet? Nobody is coming to look for you, nobody cares. You’re all alone here and you don’t get a say in what happens next.”
My eyes widened with fright. This was a man who had been through a lot. His eyes were bloodshot and hazy, he had a weary look on his face and his voice was terse. Whatever he had been through had affected him and he was tired of whatever shit it was. I clamped my mouth shut and let myself be dragged.
At least I was out of the room.
Instead of taking me to the lounge, as I expected, we walked further into the cabin. He took me down a flight of stairs. I twisted my neck around, but Logan and Jamie were nowhere to be seen. I wondered if they had any part in this, or if they were just there to indulge Jackson in whatever twisted thing this was.
A scream was edging up through my throat, wanting to fly out of my mouth into the world, but I knew it was hopeless. We were in the middle of nowhere and I wasn’t going to be able to attract anyone’s attention. It would only make Jackson madder, and I didn’t want to push him over the edge. The sad truth was that he was right; nobody cared about me and nobody was coming to save me. The decisions I’d made in my life had led me here, but really it was the only thing I had ever known. Nobody had ever really loved me, at least not in the way that people were supposed to be loved.
My parents had treated me like a burden, a mistake, and I knew that if they had had their way they would have gone back in time and had an abortion before I developed fully. I sensed their resentment every day, and I carried this with me through the rest of my life. I never allowed myself to get close to anyone. I only showed them what they wanted to see. Intimacy was something foreign to me, something alien, something I didn’t quite understand. I had burrowed myself into a place where I was the only person who cared about me, and while that gave me strength and solitude, it also meant that I had nobody to call on for help.
Every step took me into a darker place and I wondered what sordid fate Jackson had in store for me. My heart beat faster and my breath grew quicker as he led me down into a basement. The wooden steps creaked, and my eyes had to adjust to the dim light. There was a faint orange glow from candles and the air was warm. I was surprised to see that the basement wasn’t your usual extra room underneath the home filled with tools and toys and dryers, but rather an ancient site where the wood of the cabin morphed into old, weathered stone. The ground was soft and an earthy smell reached my nose, mingling with the scent of burning wax and warm fire. I furrowed my brow in confusion, wondering what kind of place this was.
When I lifted my head up I saw that there were two cloaked figures in the room, which I assumed where Logan and Jamie. They were standing around a stone altar that had strange carvings all around the side, but these carvings were lost in shadow for the moment. Jamie and Logan turned to face us and stepped aside. Jackson dragged me to the altar and thrust me onto the hard stone. I looked at each of them with panic in my eyes, only Jamie turned away.
“Please, no, whatever you’re doing, you don’t have to do this. Please, I just want to know what’s going on. Why won’t you tell me? I don’t…I don’t want this…I’ll do anything if you just tell me. We can talk about this and figure out a way to do whatever it i
s you want to do. But please don’t do this.”
It almost sounded as though someone else was speaking, as though the voice I heard was coming from somewhere far away. It was something of a trick I had learned when I was younger, a way to detach myself from my life and pretend that the little girl who was hated by her parents wasn’t really me at all but just someone else I was pretending to be for a while, and I could leave and go somewhere else whenever I wanted. Somehow it helped to dull the pain, but only for a short time, and it wasn’t helping now.
Logan and Jamie spread my arms and legs as Jackson brought some restraints and tied me to the altar. The stone was smooth and hard. I looked up at the dark roof and realized this must have been a cave and the cabin was built around it, but whatever significance this had to the three men I wasn’t aware. I struggled to pull my wrists away, but I wasn’t strong enough. Jamie and Logan easily overpowered me and held me out while Jackson wrapped strong rope around me, tying me down to the altar. I had never been in a position like this before. Never in my life had I been so powerless. I’d always been careful. I knew what life I was getting myself into when I decided to turn my back on society and live on the outskirts with the rest of the dregs that had been cast out of paradise. I took precautions, I trusted my judgment, and so far I had been lucky, although apparently my luck had run out.
I closed my eyes and tried to swallow my fear as I felt the restraints tighten around my body. I struggled and wriggled and my eyes glistened with tears as I realized that there was no way for me to break free. I was stuck here, at the mercy of these men. Sweat prickled my brow and my chest heaved. I was beginning to hyperventilate and my eyes darted between all three. I had been pleading constantly since I had been brought to the altar but now my words were being lost in my frantic breaths. I looked at each of them in turn, none except Jackson returned my gaze, and there was no mercy in his eyes at all.
I winced as he tied me down fully and turned my head away, clamping my eyes shut to at least protect myself from the sight of whatever these men were going to do to me. I whimpered and my entire body trembled in fearful anticipation. I had nowhere to run, nobody to turn to. I was all alone in the world, and wasn’t that what I had wanted? The strong, independent Millie who hadn’t needed or wanted anyone to stand by her side and support her; I had pushed aside anyone who might have even wanted to care for me because I didn’t see it as being possible. And now I was left to these three men, three men who, for some reason, had chosen me for this dark deed. I chastised myself for being a loner, but then I realized I couldn’t have been anything else.
I imagine many people in my situation would have prayed, but I didn’t. If God did exist then the fact he thought this was a fitting end for me was a cruel, cruel joke, and it showed he was as merciless as life itself, and I didn’t want any part of Heaven if it was ruled by such a malevolent, petty being. I almost laughed at how grim the whole thing was though. My life had never even gotten started. I had been cursed from the very moment I had been born, and I didn’t think there was one single part I had enjoyed. I couldn’t remember ever being happy, not truly, and now I supposed I never would. It was a waste of resources really, for a life to end up meaning this little. I had accomplished nothing, done nothing of meaning or with purpose. I had simply drifted along letting the current take me and tried to eke out as much existence as possible without truly living. In those moments I faced my mortality and I wished that I had done more with my life. I had put up so many walls around me that I had never let anyone else in, and there were good people I had met, people like Harper and Mel, and there had probably been times when I could have reintegrated myself into society if I had put in the effort, but I had been stubborn and clung onto the belief that I wasn’t made for the world, that I was meant to be cast away.
I blinked back my tears and swallowed my sobs, hoping to engulf them in silence as I didn’t want Jackson, Logan, and Jamie to witness my shame and my pain. I had spent so long keeping people at arm’s length I wasn’t about to compromise my emotions now.
“Jamie, you go first,” Jackson said.
My eyes shot open.
They weren’t going to kill me, at least not yet. There were going to do something much worse.
I had come close to being raped before, but I had always managed to cheat that fate. I knew a lot of other woman who had suffered. I’d seen how it had broken them, how it had taken away part of themselves and they had never been able to recover. I saw how it made them a shell of their former selves and yet I had never quite imagined just how excruciating the fear was, how the helplessness was so powerful and pervading, how I could struggle with all my strength and know that it was not good enough. I wasn’t strong enough. These men had me and they could do anything they wanted with me. I was nothing but their plaything, their toy, I was less than human to them and this was so degrading it made me sick.
I opened my eyes as Jamie came forward. He stood over me, looking less intimidating than his brothers, but he was still strong. His eyes gaze at me with a hollow stare and time seemed to stand still.
“What are you waiting for?” Jackson asked. Jamie gulped. A stray thought passed through my mind that he seemed as scared as I did, and I wondered if he had ever done this before. Was this all just some twisted way for Jamie to claim his manhood? But if so, why did they need me specifically, and why did they need me to be on this altar?
Jamie reached out a trembling hand. It ran against my leg and I jerked. Jamie pulled his hand away, as though he was a child testing the heat of fire for the first time and feeling the burning, threatening warmth. Jackson growled again and urged him to continue. Jamie stepped closer and returned his hand to my thigh, giving it a soft squeeze, although it wasn’t confident at all. I decided that I wasn’t going to give him the dignity of hiding from his mistake. I met his gaze evenly, never taking my eyes off him, making sure that if he was going to go through with this he was not going to dehumanize me. I was a person, and I would not be stripped of my humanity.
Jamie moved further up my body. I felt his fingers creeping up my thigh, and I wondered if he was going to be brave enough to delve into every part of me. He stopped at my hips and he licked his lips, hesitating. I wondered what was going through his mind, what was going through all their minds. He closed his eyes and bowed his head.
“I’m sorry, but I can’t Jackson,” he said in a small voice.
“What do you mean you can’t? She’s right there!”
“This…it doesn’t feel right. This isn’t the way I wanted it to be.”
“It doesn’t matter what you want it to be. You don’t get to choose what happens in life, you just have to get on with it. Do you really think I wanted this to happen either? We have a duty Jamie, and it’s time for you to fulfill that duty. You have responsibilities, and it’s time for you to take a stand. You’re a child no longer and I cannot indulge you. Just do it.”
Jamie inhaled deeply. He looked at me, and then shook his head more vehemently. “No, Jackson, this isn’t right. We should talk with her about it. We should tell her what’s going on. It’s the only fair thing to do.”
“This isn’t about fair, and it’s not like she’d agree otherwise.”
“You don’t know that,” I said, suddenly finding my voice. The three brothers turned to me. For a moment it seemed as though they had forgotten I was there. Logan was being uncharacteristically quiet, I thought.
“You would never understand,” Jackson said in a terse voice. His shadow was framed by the glow of candles and he looked a frightening sight.
“You haven’t even tried to explain,” I said.
“Maybe she’s right,” Logan said quietly. “Maybe Jamie is right too.”
“Not you as well,” Jackson said, huffing as he threw up his hands and shook his head, turning away slightly. “The two of you need to get your act together. You both know what’s at stake here, what we have to do, and it’s not going to get done if
you’re bothered by your conscience. Sacrifices have to be made,” he said.
“But not this way Jackson, it doesn’t feel right. If we do this then we’re no better than them,” Logan said. “Look, I was on board with this because I thought it was the only way, but standing here now, it just…it doesn’t feel like it’s something we should be doing. And you can’t just make Jamie do this if he doesn’t want to. He’s just a kid.”
“He’s got no time to be a kid,” Jackson said, staring at Logan. Logan pressed his lips together and put his hands on his hips. He was about to say something when the three brothers seemed to notice something. They tilted their heads to the side and grimaced.
“They’ve found us,” Logan said.
“Jamie, you stay here. We’ll be back soon,” Jackson said, and he and Logan made their way out of the basement, leaving to face whoever ‘they’ were. The cops? No…I didn’t think Mel would have been able to face calling them, but maybe Harper had after Mel told him what had happened, if she’d even made it back to Harper’s place. Whoever it was, they had set the brothers on edge immediately, although I didn’t understand how they had heard anyone approaching. I strained my ears and couldn’t hear a thing, but at least I had been given a respite for now, and I was left alone with Jamie.
10
“Do you mind loosening my restraints? They’re digging into my skin and I can’t move,” I said. Jamie turned towards me, a pensive look on his face. I knew what was going through his mind. He didn’t want to disappoint his brothers, especially not Jackson who was clearly the Alpha of the pack, but he had a conscience and he was young enough that it still mattered. I was banking on him listening to that while he was alone with me, without the influence of his brothers.
