by Lilly Wilder
“At least you have each other,” my voice cracked with emotion.
“You have us too, if you so choose. I’m sure Jackson made his proposal clear.”
“He did, and I’m not sure how I feel about it. I know he’s desperate, but what he asks is…I mean, I barely know each of you.”
“It appears you have nothing but time,” Logan replied with a smirk. “Did he tell you why he chose you?”
“He mentioned something about me having the spirit of a wolf,” I said. Logan snorted, although Jamie remained silent.
“I see he didn’t tell you all his secrets. When you see him next ask him about Lilah.”
I filed the name away for later and continued eating. “So, do you think Ishmael will come and find you here to end what he began?”
“I hope not. I’ve already almost died once because of him and I’m in no hurry to do it again. But if he does at least we’ll be ready this time. At least we can defend ourselves, or flee, if we need to,” he said the last few words bitterly. I realized how much it must have hurt their pride to leave the clan to die, knowing that there was nothing they could do to prevent the deaths of the people they loved. For all that they had done to me my heart still went out to them. Nobody deserved having to live through that, and as I looked at them I saw the sorrow and the pain in their eyes. I had cut away all my connections to the world, so I knew that I could never feel what they had felt about their clan, but in a way I felt as though I was the one who had lost everything because at least they had their memories. The only memories I had were of leaving people behind, of wondering how different my life would have been if we had all just cared, and they were like memories of ice.
“Given all you’ve been through, do you wish that you had lived a different life, do you wish that you had been alone?” I asked.
“No,” Logan said immediately. “The clan taught me so many lessons that I never would have learned otherwise, and I hope that we can bring about a new clan because I want to pass those lessons on. We wolves have a proud heritage and our traditions are important to us.”
“I can see that.”
“Do you wish you had lived a different life?”
“Sometimes I think so, other times I don’t, but I suppose on the whole it would be nice to feel like I’m actually wanted in this world, like I’m actually good for something and care about other people.”
“What about Mel?” Jamie asked. “Don’t you care about her?”
“Well, yes, I guess, I mean, she’s a friend. But I came to rescue her because I had a chance to prevent her from being in danger at the bar and I didn’t do my best to stop her. Of course, I didn’t know at the time that she was just bait. But there’s something else I need to ask you about. There was another girl, Amy, who said that she was attacked by you. What happened with her?”
Logan and Jamie glanced at each other. “When we first fled to the city we were desperate and angry. Jackson saw Amy and he thought we had to spread our seed as quickly as possible in case Ishmael came back. That’s the backup plan really, to continue the clan by any means necessary, spreading our seed as far and wide as possible so that a new generation of werewolves will be born even though we wouldn’t be able to teach them ourselves, but at least they would be out there and our blood would continue to flow through the world. But when the time came Jackson found that he couldn’t do it. So he scared the poor girl away and we came up with another plan.”
“Which was me.”
“Yes,” Logan said. “And so far that plan is…well, still to be decided I suppose.”
“And how would you have handled things if you were in charge?”
His eyes twinkled a moment as he took a sip of his drink. “I hope you’re not trying to look for any kind of divide between my brothers and me because you won’t find any. There is never anything that’s going to come between us. We’ve been through too much for that. But, in all honesty, I would have handled things differently, even though we are under the pressure of time.”
“And what would you have done?”
“Taken my time, tried to charm you, and when the time came I would have told you the truth and hoped that you’d accept it. I don’t think this kind of thing should be taken with brute force. I tried to think how we would have explained it to the children and I couldn’t think of a way to make them see us in a positive light. Please know that Jackson never truly wanted this either, he just wanted us to do something in case Ishmael came back. Do you think that may have worked?”
“Perhaps,” I said. “So where did your clan live? Did you have lives in the city or did you spend all your time out here in these forests?” I decided to change tack as I didn’t want them to go on about the family all the time. It was in the back of my mind, niggling away, and I still wasn’t sure how I felt about it. All I could think about was what my parents were like, and I was so afraid that if I ever had any children I would be exactly like them.
“We ventured to the city occasionally but our clan was one that preferred to stay in the shadows, trying to live as our ancestors did. The city is…complicated. There are many moving parts and it is difficult to find a way to belong. Other wolves have managed it, but we preferred the freedom of being able to shift whenever we liked. Ishmael’s people live in the city, and I mean no offence, but I fear that humanity has rubbed off on him. He’s petty, holding onto a long grudge, and seeks to conquer all that stands in his way, whereas we would prefer to live in peace. All we want is to be left alone. That’s all most wolves have ever wanted.”
“It sounds as though your parents did a good job in raising you, although I’m surprised your clan didn’t try to live in the city and build a base where you could defend yourselves,” I said.
“They never thought they would need one. We knew about the blood feud of course, but we didn’t think Ishmael would still take it so seriously. We heard some rumblings, some rumors, but our parents and our elders didn’t think there was anything to worry about. They were sure that so much time had passed that it didn’t matter. We were all living our lives, and then one day out of nowhere Ishmael comes rampaging through the forest and attacks us before we even have a chance to prepare.”
At this moment Jamie pushed his chair out and strode out of the room. His fork hung on the edge of the table and then fell to the floor. Logan sighed, his shoulders slumped, and he placed his head in his hands.
“Jamie has taken it harder than either of us. He can’t handle even the slightest mention of the clan or our parents.”
“I can see that. He seems to be a little more sensitive than the two of you.”
“Perhaps he is, for he has not had as much experience to temper his feelings. Jamie had the strongest bond with our parents. They did not think they would have another child after I was born, and then Jamie came along. They used to call him their little miracle, and if you ask me they were kinder to him than they were to either myself or Jackson. I think he’s still young enough that he was convinced nothing like this could happen to us. But that’s the thing about Ishmael; he didn’t just take away our family, he took away our futures as well. He took away the paths are lives were on.”
“What was Jamie’s path?”
“It might surprise you, but Jamie was on his way to becoming a spiritual leader. He was always interested in books, always the studious one. He’s not typical for a wolf in that he doesn’t like fighting, but he does like the stories of old and our ties to the moon. He was being mentored by one of the elders, and sadly they were taken early in the attack. Jamie wasn’t able to learn all he wanted to learn and now he’s wondering what path his life is going to take.”
“Aren’t we all,” I replied dryly. “What path do you think yours is going to take?”
“I have no idea, and that’s just the way I like it. It’s been different for me you know. Jackson was always meant for greatness. That was his role as the eldest of course, and Jamie had the freedom to cho
ose his own path, but I was stuck in the middle. I’ve always been something of an understudy for Jackson, so I’ve never really had the chance to forge my own path. I suppose I’ve always been following in his wake, and even now I don’t know what I’ll do aside from help bring back our clan.”
“I suppose that’s just as noble a purpose as any. It’s not as though I’ve ever had any purpose like that. I’ve always been drifting, always thinking that at some point I’d figure out what I’d do with my life, but then that time never comes and I keep going on as I’ve always been going on.”
“Then maybe it’s time for you to find your purpose now,” he said. His words lingered in my mind as I finished my food. Part of me deep down had always wanted a family, and yet I never imagined it could happen like this. I had immediately dismissed the idea when Jackson had explained it to me, and I was still prone to dismissing it. I wanted to get back to my own life. It wasn’t much of a life, granted, and I doubted anyone would have been envious of me for living the way I did, but it was still the life I had forged for myself. It was mine, and nobody could take that away from me.
I felt for the brothers, I really did. This Ishmael was a cruel, horrible person and what he had done to their clan was tragic. It was loss on a scale that I couldn’t comprehend, but I didn’t think I was the woman they were looking for. Jackson had made a mistake and I had to leave, to flee and return to the path I had made for myself. I wanted to get back to living my life, not be pulled away to be some mother to wolves, and I knew that with the brothers now separated it gave me an opportunity to put my plan into motion.
I rose from the table and dabbed the corners of my mouth with a napkin and made my leave.
“Do I have to keep a close eye on you?” he asked.
“No,” I lied.
15
I left the table and walked through the dark corridors of the cabin. There was a solemn mood pervading the place and I felt more powerful than I had before. I was no longer a mere prisoner, even though I still wasn’t allowed to leave of my own volition. Now that I was armed with information and knew something of their motivations I was better able to put together a plan for my escape. Despite everything they had told me and the pity I felt for them I knew that I couldn’t stay here any longer. I wasn’t the woman they were looking for, and the sooner I returned to my regular life the better.
Now that the brothers were separated I could make my move. Instead of returning to my room I slipped into Jamie’s. Outside, I heard the soft sobs of a man who wanted to keep his emotions hidden. I pushed open the door and saw the Jamie sitting on his bed with his head in his hands, looking overwhelmed. I closed the door behind me and heard it click. He looked up and sniffed back his tears. The moonlight poured in through the window and bathed his bed in a silver glow.
“What are you doing here?” he asked.
“I just came to talk.” I walked in slowly, closing the distance between us until I was beside him. I sat on the bed. It creaked under the weight of both of us. Part of me felt guilty for using him like this, for he seemed like a good person, but sometimes in this life you had to do whatever was right for you. I’d already been selfless once when I had come to find Mel, and I wasn’t about to make the same mistake again. “I get it, you know. It must be hard for you to have lost everything. I suppose that I envy you in a way, because you had people to lose. I’ve never had anyone. My parents didn’t care for me, and I’ve never allowed myself to get close to anyone else, not really, because I was always afraid that something like this would happen.”
“What about your friend?”
“She was just a friend. I can sense much pain in you Jamie, like you’ve had your future taken away from you as well,” I said, echoing the words that Logan had said to me.
“That’s exactly how I felt. I never wanted any of this, you know. When Mom and Dad and Jackson and all the others told me about how wolves used to be I hated the thought of it. I didn’t think fighting was right. I didn’t understand why we couldn’t all just live in peace. They tried to tell me that there were dangerous people out there, people who would want to see us harmed, but I didn’t believe them. Then Ishmael came along and he showed me that everyone else was right. I felt like my life was a lie. I was forced to fight, to kill, all in order to save my brothers. I couldn’t save anyone else. It was…it was horrible. And then Jackson tried to get us to force you to be the mother and I just…I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t do it. I know that Mom and Dad wouldn’t have wanted us to be like this, but then Jackson was attacked and I just don’t know what’s going to happen next.”
He became overwhelmed with emotion and collapsed into my arms. I wrapped him arms around him and made soft comforting noises. His body trembled close to mine and I stroked his back. He sniffed and breathed heavily and then rubbed his eyes.
“I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be like this. It’s just that talking about it brings everything back.”
“It’s okay. I understand. I used to get the same way whenever I spoke about my parents, but over time it gets easier. Over time you start caring less…”
“But I don’t want to care less. I don’t want to forget about them. I just want to have them back,” he said. Sometimes it was difficult for me to remember that other people loved their parents, that not everyone had the same disappointing childhood as I had had. Jamie cared about his parents deeply and it had clearly affected him. In that moment I wished that I could have made everything better, but I knew nothing could bring them back and he would just have to have time to heal, or time for his resentment to fester so that he could feast on it. It would have been interesting to see what kind of man he’d become once he had processed all his grief, but I wouldn’t be around to see it, and the next part of my plan was going to hurt me, because I was taking advantage of a wounded soul, but I had been kept here against my will and I wasn’t about to stay because of Jamie’s fragile emotions.
I caressed his back gently and continued making soothing noises before my hands moved around his body and started to roam a little more freely. At first he didn’t seem to notice what I was doing until I reached down and stroked his thigh. As soon as my hand was against his leg he reeled back and looked at me with confusion, and a little panic.
“What are you doing?” he asked.
“I just want to make you feel better,” I said, tilting my head to the side. I caressed his cheek and smiled at him. “You’ve shown my kindness Jamie, I just wanted to return the favor I suppose. I’m sorry if I’m stepping over my boundaries. I suppose that I’m not everyone’s type…” I pulled my hand away dramatically and turned my head. Jamie had no experience with woman and he was easy to manipulate. I waited a few moments for him to say the inevitable.
“No, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel bad it’s just that, well, I’ve never done anything like this before and you’re so…I mean…you’re definitely my type I just…I’ve been through so much and nobody has ever shown me how to…”
I silenced him with a kiss, pressing my warm lips against his, thrusting an eager tongue into his mouth. I placed my hand on his chest and let my breath wash over his mouth. I kissed him slowly and deeply, teaching him by experience just as I had been taught years before. I let out a small moan as I leaned back and wore a satisfied smile. I liked the look of hazy delight that came upon him.
“You’re a natural,” I said, still sitting with my body close to him. I leaned forward so that my hair framed my face and I started to stroke his neck and chest. I looked down and watched him squirm as he attempted to hide his arousal. I leaned in and kissed him again. This time he was more eager. His breaths were rushed and he swallowed his nerves.
“In the bathroom…did you mean what you said?”
“I always mean what I say. You’re a sweet man Jamie, and you’re very handsome. You’re just my type too. I’ve been scared here, and so alone, but you’ve helped to make it feel a little less scary. I just want to
make you feel good. Can I make you feel good?”
“Y-yes,” he stammered. I kissed him again. I had him exactly where I wanted him. “Just tell me if I’m going too fast,” I said, and let my hand run down his body. He leaned back as the pleasure washed over him and his eyes fluttered shut. I ran my hand along the inside of his thigh and squeezed. A small moan erupted from his gut and his body rumbled with delight as I moved my hand up further, finding the outline of his erection under his jeans. I squeezed it and his mouth opened wide, a long rush of air exhaled from his mouth and I almost thought he was going to shoot his load then.
I removed my hand and he licked his lips, his chest heaving. I got him to lie down, pushing him onto the bed; he didn’t resist. I opened his shirt and kissed him all over his body, pressing my lithe curves against him, making sure he felt my breasts close to him. His hardness throbbed and swelled, and I sat up over his legs, placing both my hands on his groin, pressing and squeezing. His head twisted as he looked down at me. I slowly unclasped his belt and unfastened his pants, pulling them down with me. I smirked at him as I did so, wanting to make him feel like he was the best man in the world. That’s what all men wanted really, what all people wanted. I knew that a whirlpool of emotions would have been swirling through his mind. I remembered my first time; all the fear and anxiety and excitement and anticipation created a powerful cocktail that was intoxicating and seized the soul.
I felt guilty in a way; I believed that every person should have their first time with someone who really loved them and really cared about them. I had been lucky in that regard. It had been one of the only strokes of luck I had actually enjoyed during my life, so I consoled myself with the thought that I wasn’t going to go all the way with Jamie, I was just going to leave him dazed and delirious so that I had a chance to escape.
I dragged his pants down and brought his boxers with him.
“You’re so big and manly,” I said excitedly, and this time I didn’t have to lie. I wondered if it was a trait all wolves shared, or just the three brothers, but his erection was thick and long, and I did actually feel a flush of arousal, which I quickly quelled as I had a mission to accomplish and I couldn’t let myself become distracted (I didn’t have much pleasure in life so I took my enjoyment from any source I could find it, and there was never anything more visceral than the heat of sex). I curled both my hands around his erection and started to pump. I watched delight flicker upon his face as I pleasured him and I quickly learned what made him gasp the most. I pulled his taut skin up and down and ran my fingers delicately over his pulsing veins. I kissed his thighs and breathed over him, and I could see the hairs standing all over his body. He twisted and writhed and moaned incoherently.
