I advanced towards him, the last one. I must have looked terrifying with my face deathly pale and my hair dripping with blood. I was tired, a quiet evening had turned into a nightmare, I just wanted to go home and lock myself up in my trunk, possibly for the next twenty years.
"No, no, please, my son was just born, please..."
"I'm sorry," I said. "No one would have pitied me so I can't have any on anyone."
I leaned down on him, took his head, and, with a swift twist of the neck, killed him. He wasn't much older than twenty.
I dragged the two bodies inside the tavern and walked around the room looking for any survivors. I leaned over the counter to check if anyone was hiding behind; the landlord, with a wild cry, jumped up and stuck a sword straight in my throat, slicing me from side to side.
"Die, you bastard!" He said, emerging from his hiding place and dragging behind him his terrified waitress. I screamed, more in surprise than in pain. Or rather, I tried. Crying out with a blade pierced through your neck was not the easiest thing in the world. The man, with the waitress clinging to his arm, was standing there looking at me, convinced that I would have collapsed to the ground at any moment. I was surprised too: the pain was excruciating and continued to be so. The only detail that neither he nor I had considered was the fact that I was already dead. Only a thin trickle of blood poured out from the wound and I soon realized that, despite the pain, I was able to keep moving as before. I took one hand to the hilt of the sword and, gritting my teeth in disgust and suffering, extracted the annoying weapon from my neck, pulling hard. The two of them, pale as death, shouted back in unison and turned to run, heading for the door. Exasperated, exhausted, and with my throat hurting, I threw myself towards them with the sword. I stabbed the woman first, piercing her back from side to side; on her, it had the predictable effect. The innkeeper screamed again as he saw her fall into a pool of blood; he tripped over a leg strewn about the floor and fell, raising his haggard face to look at me. I was touching the wound under my chin and felt it had already begun to heal.
"Good idea, man... too bad it didn't work."
I raised the sword above my head and lowered it down hard on my unfortunate victim, pinning him to the ground and finally cutting off his screams. Then, using liquor as fuel, I set fire on everything. I went away leaving behind death and destruction, a condition in which I had to get used to. I was destined for great things!
It was about two in the morning when the nightmare ended.
I wandered aimlessly in the streets like a bloodied ghost. I no longer dared to return home, to deal with loneliness and the memory of Ambrosine; I shuddered with horror thinking of what she would have said if she knew what had happened. She would have hated and despised me too. She thought I was good ... I was not. Only a soulless monster could commit such an act. If only I could somehow remedy the situation... The only possible atonement that came to my mind was waiting for the sunrise outdoors, yet it did not seem enough. No one would have known. No one would have found consolation from my lonely death. I could have surrendered to the men of the law, but in the morning, I would have turned into a pile of ashes. They would not even have had time to take me to jail.
I needed someone, something capable of making me feel bad, possibly stupid and incompetent. Shibeen was the logical choice and the only one that came to my mind. Maybe her brothers would have even decided to beat me again.
Therefore, there I was, knocking on her door. The windows exposed some lights, and I was hoping so much they were home. After a few moments, Lawrence, the butler of the evening shift, opened the door. Shibeen's servants worked in two separate teams: the day team made sure that the house was always tidy; the night one fulfilled the needs of their masters while they were awake. Only an English butler would appear so imperturbable in front of someone looking like me that evening.
“Oh, good evening, Mr. Van Hoeck, nice to see you again. Come in, please, I will announce your presence to madam."
I looked at him as if he was mad. "Uhm... I'm a bit... messed up..."
"Don't worry; we're used to such drawbacks. Please, come in and make yourself at home."
I took two steps inside the huge atrium where I had suffered an energetic treatment the last time I was there while the servant went up the stairs to inform Shibeen of my arrival. No brothers in sight, what a shame.
A few moments later, my maker's shrill and joyful voice made me lift my eyes; she seemed to descend the marble staircase with a pace that was fast even to me, but from a human’s perspective she must have given the impression of flying. As always, her beauty overwhelmed me. That night she was wearing a blue velvet dress, soft, tightened at the waist by a belt. She threw her arms around my neck and kissed me as if we had not parted in such a dramatic fashion.
"I'm so happy to see you, you have no idea! How long has it been since the last time we saw each other? Six years, I think. Come, let's go in the living room, you must tell me what you have been doing all this time!"
Really, were they all blind? Couldn't they take their time before starting a conversation?! Or at least first ask me a question like Raistan, dear, you're covered in blood from head to toe, what happened to you?
She took me by my hand and tried to drag me to the living room, but I stopped her, looking intensely at her: "Shibeen, I did something really vile, tonight..."
She returned my gaze and nodded, suddenly serious. "All right. Lawrence, provide a bath for the gentleman. We must not be disturbed for any reason."
The butler bowed and disappeared upstairs.
Exhausted in body and mind, I let her guide me all the way to the bathroom next to her room. Here, a huge marble tub was filled with hot water and aromatic essences. I think that, in the whole of London, you could count only on the fingers of one hand the number of houses that possess a room like this, but that night I appreciated such luxury. I let Shibeen take my filthy clothes off of me, looking at her while she, too, undressed, without having any strength to feel anything; then, she immersed herself into the hot water and reached out to me, inviting me to follow her. I stepped over the edge and sat with her behind me, nestled in her arms. I surrendered with my eyes closed, resting my head against her chest, and feeling, in spite of everything, reborn. For a while, neither one spoke; I was too exhausted, she was too busy taking care of me. She soaped my hair, massaging softly, then she moved to my shoulders and neck, loosening my muscles with expert moves. I wanted to protest, it was not fair to feel so good after what I had done, but I really did not have the strength. I could hardly lift my arms. I was a total wreck.
After a while, she broke the silence. "So? What horrible thing have you done?"
I took a deep breath and started to tell without concealing the absurdity of my desire to drink beer like an ordinary human being. She didn't comment at all; she didn’t get angry as I had hoped she would have, nor did she insult me. Just at the end, she then asked me whether I was sure no one had escaped before I had recovered.
I hesitated, trying to sort through the details of my twisted memories, but I was obliged to admit that I couldn't be sure about it. I was just not cognizant for a while.
"You should have heard them screaming, Shibeen... and that boy outside... Who's going to explain to his son the senseless reason of why he died?"
She held me and kissed the side of my neck. "Poor, poor Raistan... You will never get used to it, will you? Unfortunately, we are murderers. Killing is our only mode of survival..."
"No, this is different. I did not kill them to feed. Dozens of them died, Shibeen, because I could not control myself and after that, I had to cover up the chaos to save myself... God... the way they were screaming... I..."
"Stop it, you must not think about it anymore or you'll go crazy. I know you're not going to like what I say, but you behaved as expected. You did what you had to do to limit the damage. Going back home is not safe for you now. Tomorrow, I'm going to send someone there to see if everything's all right. Meanwhi
le, you can stay here as long as you wish. I was so sorry I had to send you away, but a long time has passed since then and you proved you can make it on your own."
"Oh, yes, I can make it quite well!" I hissed.
"Yes. That's what you did."
"What about your brothers? They won't be happy to see me again. To tell the truth, I had hoped they would want to beat me up again. I deserve it...”
"They'll conform to my wishes."
"They all do, don't they?"
"You never did. That's why I like you so much..."
She slid in front of me, twisting her legs with mine and kissed me passionately. At first, I didn't take part in her enthusiasm, but then I yielded and let her save me, at least for a while, from my own personal hell.
Her hands stroked me between my legs and I found myself overwhelmed with desire, with an intensity I had never before experienced. I grabbed her by her waist with a roar and mapped out her neck with my tongue, craving to sink my teeth into her silky skin. She laughed and hugged me, tilting her head to allow me to give in to my thirst.
"Slowly, Dutchman, slowly... You’ve surely noticed things changed about that too, didn’t you?"
"I didn't have the chance..."
"You’re joking..." she uttered, withdrawing and staring at me with a confounded look. I tried to take her into my arms again but she countered my advances with no effort.
"No, I'm not. Since you transformed me, I had never done it."
She seemed truly shocked and couldn't help continuing to stare at me. I, instead, had wanted to eat her alive as my cheerful playmate under the surface of water craved to find his own way.
"But... but... why?" she asked me.
"I don't know. I’m dead. The dead don’t fuck," I retorted. I grabbed her wrists, pushed her hands away from my face, and sank my teeth into her neck.
“Oh, yes, they do. And they’re good at it” she disclosed. “You just have to concentrate a little bit on him the first time, focusing all your… fluids to converge only on him. After a while it will all become natural, just like before. The only difference is that it will be, oh, so much better.”
I soon realized that she was right: everything was different. My skin and my body reacted extraordinarily to any stimuli. When I convinced my “little friend” to cooperate with the rest of my desires, I entered her, holding back a scream that turned into a prolonged growl like that of an animal because it was as if millions of brand new nerve endings had turned on at the tip of my penis. I threw my head back and the tendons in my neck stretched in agony. I was almost frightened by the intensity of my own newly undiscovered sensations. I even had the urge to slip away, but Shibeen impeded me and guided me to obtain the right rhythm. She glided on top of me slowly, stroking my hair and smiling.
"This way, little one, you're amazing... I knew it would be wonderful..."
I do not remember how long we kept that human speed; I thought several times to have been on the verge of climaxing, but it never happened, the feelings grew only more intense: every touch, every kiss on my chest and her tongue in my mouth became more and more heavenly. Then, suddenly, she started to alternate from vampire speed to the human leisureliness and, at that point, I thought I was dying. I was leaning with my back against the tub, subdued by her power, and I could only try not to look awe-stricken at her, shaken by waves of excitement that made me wince, groan, and tremble beneath her, unable to overcome them.
She laughed again. "You're not dying, don't fight against the pleasure, indulge in it, and take what you want. Fuck me, Dutchman, fuck me like you have never fucked anyone before. You are not going to hurt me. Move with me, move with me, trust me..."
I straightened up and wrapped her in my arms, leaning down on her to suck her hardened nipples. Hearing her moan with pleasure, feeling her mouth on my neck, propelled a new burst of ecstasy directly into my brain. It was her turn to bite me and the initial pain was replaced by a new urgency. The human part was put aside, replaced by the vampire, a wild creature 202 pounds heavy, strong as a bull who was claiming his right on the female he was possessing, on her flesh and on her blood.
We reached orgasm almost at the same instant, clinging to each other as one body, and I realized that I had never experienced anything in my life as a human that could parallel the divine violence of that explosion of pleasure, which seemed to have no end.
I know I roared, I clung to Shibeen's shoulders feeling my body as it came to life of its own and was stretched to the breaking point, scaring me and making me scream out for more, again and again. Finally, I surrendered against her body, enjoying her caresses on my hair and on my back, my eyes closed, until she slipped away from me and resumed her position behind me, holding me tight against her.
She was the first one to talk after a good while.
"Thank you," she said.
"What for?"
"For having allowed to me to be the first one."
"I don't mean to delude you, but I didn't do it on purpose."
"To me it was wonderful anyway."
"To me it was... dreadful."
She laughed with her crystalline voice and kissed my cheek.
"You'll get used to it and it'll get better and better, you'll see. You're going to be able to do it for hours and then start again immediately. And when it comes to doing it with humans, you'll drive them crazy, provided that you learn to keep your strength under control. On the contrary, you could kill them and you must be aware of this."
"Beautiful prospect."
"You're going to learn that too. We have plenty of time to practice."
Her hand went down under water again and I realized that endurance would never actually be an issue.
I stayed with her for about six months.
During this time, she taught me many things and tried in every way to restore my confidence.
We slept together in her bed - she's the only vampire I know who refuses to sleep in a coffin, but she never told me why - we made love almost every night, we hunted together, but I knew I couldn't fool her. I was not happy. I was not even serene. I felt like I was leading a hollow and senseless life. I cared about her but I did not love her yet, not as much as she loved me, anyway. You could make it out from a number of things of how much she loved me: from the way she looked at me, to the unexpected attentions she gave me, to all the gifts she inundated me with...and I especially realized it when she let me go. My happiness had been more important to her than her own.
One night, we were lying side by side in her sumptuous bed.
No one spoke, but somehow we were tuned on to each other's frequencies and sensed the other’s mood. Mine was never that good, I must say. Sometimes, I pretended everything was fine, I smiled at the right time and spoke of this and that to make her happy, but I knew I wasn’t capable of deceiving her. She was nearly seven hundred years old, a novice like me wasn't supposed to mock her. I knew she wished those moments were authentic, but they were not. I wished they were too. Maybe I could have suddenly stopped waking up every day with those frightening screams in my head.
"You must leave, Raistan," she said at once.
I raised on to one elbow and looked at her, surprised.
"Must I? Where to?"
I leaned towards her and tried to kiss her, but she drew back.
"I don't know, but you're not happy here, I can see it. You need to commit yourself to something, to have some kind of a purpose; you don't have that here. None of us has but, after 700 years, I don't feel the necessity for it, I just want to rest and enjoy life. You are young, you have to find your own way, but you cannot do it here in this town. You are frightened; I see it when we go hunting. You look around incessantly, you are too eager to go back home. You... you cannot function this way.”
I was about to protest, but she stopped me with a sign "... and you are not afraid of the lycans, even though you have already met them and know how dangerous they can be. You are afraid of the people you killed in that tave
rn. I hear you scream every time you fall asleep, Raist. Every single day you scream like they were ripping your heart off. In your dreams, you are one of those humans. There is sadness in your eyes. I hoped to have been able to take it away with my love and my attentions, but I couldn’t. I cannot do anything for you anymore but help you leave and change your life. I don't want to see you burning out like a candle; I care about you too much to allow it to happen. Choose a place. I'll provide you with servants and a proper transport, there will be no danger for you. I am going to give you a week to think about my proposition and to arrange your affairs with the shop, but then you'll have to go away."
I was shocked by her ultimatum, but for the first time in months, I felt a glimpse of excitement about the future. I hugged her, smelling her hair. "What if I don't want to go? What if I want to stay here with you? The voices in my head will follow me wherever I go, you know that, Shibeen."
"You must at least try, Dutchman. I will always be here waiting for you. Forever and ever."
I held her tight and told her I didn't deserve to be loved way she loved me by any one. And I really meant it, you know it too well.
"I love whomever I want to and I decided to love you. I have loved you since the first time I saw you at the Hammerfall. I was enchanted by the elegance of your movements and by your strength. For a moment, I even thought you might already be one of us since you were so fast and graceful. Soon after that, I swore to myself you'd have been mine someday, but I was wrong. You will never really belong to anyone, Raistan Van Hoeck. You won't allow it. You don't love yourself enough to let someone make you happy with their love. And since that night of the tavern massacre took place, it's become a losing battle already from the start. You hate yourself and are surprised that someone does not choose to do the same. Well, I chose the latter. Leave me at least that..."
"I'm sorry, Shibeen, I'm not good for you. I'm not good for anyone, actually. Maybe you are right, I might be better off leaving, I have been thinking about it for some time. I'd like to try Paris, they say it's beautiful. What do you think about it?"
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