‘You’re under stress. It’s understandable to reach out.’
The woman nodded.
‘I’m Ellie, by the way. It’s nice to meet you.’
‘Gemma. Thank you. You’re very kind.’
‘I just understand, that’s all.’ Ellie passed Gemma a paper tissue from the box that sat on the shelf beside her. She watched as Gemma dabbed at her eyes and blew her nose. ‘It’s difficult to see them like this, isn’t it?’
‘It’s not how you imagine your first few days as a parent.’
‘No... Do you understand all that’s going on? Is there something you’re not sure of? I could get Dr Riley who performed the operation to come and talk to you again.’
‘Oh, I wouldn’t want to bother him. I’m sure he’s busy.’
‘Never too busy to reassure a parent. Let’s change Darcy’s nappy and then I’ll fetch him for you.’
‘Thanks.’
Ellie fetched the items they would need and then helped Gemma change Darcy’s nappy, lifting her gently to insert the new nappy underneath, and then she performed her first set of observations on her patient. Happy that she was stable, she set off to find Logan.
Hopefully he would be able to reassure Darcy’s mother that she was doing okay and that there was a plan in place for any possible contingencies. Often in hospital patients were left waiting, not knowing what was going on, and their frustration was often passed on to their friends and relations. They often felt as if they were not privy to the doctor’s decisions and processes, and Ellie knew it was important that Gemma felt that she was a part of that. Part of Darcy’s progress. It would help to make her feel more in control, knowing what was happening to her daughter and why.
She spotted Logan on the phone and waited for him to finish his conversation so that she could ask him to talk to Gemma.
He looked up at her and met her gaze, and she felt the familiar stir of attraction in her gut. This man was part of her past—somewhere she didn’t tend to visit—and it felt surprisingly strange that he was now going to be a large part of her immediate future, responsible for her success in this new endeavour. She had vowed never to let another man have control of her life again, and yet here she was.
She gave him a polite smile and waited.
It’s only six weeks. Not long at all.
He put down the phone. ‘You okay?’
‘Yes. I have Darcy’s first observations, but I was also wondering if you could come and talk to her mother? She’s a little upset and I think she needs a bit of reassuring.’
He nodded. ‘Okay. Why don’t you come with me? It will be good for you to see how we handle situations like these.’
She didn’t tell him that she already knew. That she had once been that tearful mother. Lost and alone. She didn’t want to tell him that though his words would bring a modicum of comfort to the mother, they would never be enough until Gemma’s baby was out of the NICU, healthy, and in Gemma’s arms at home, living a normal life.
She dutifully followed him back into the room and quietly listened as Logan did his best.
He was good—she could give him that. He sat Gemma down and carefully explained exactly where Darcy was in her treatment. Then he explained how Darcy had ended up in her situation, and that it wasn’t her fault in any way, and then he took her over to the incubator and carefully, slowly, went through what each of the machines was doing, what all the tubes were for, what everything was measuring and when he expected to see some improvement. He made sure that Gemma understood that Darcy was strong and was doing as well as could be expected at that moment in time, so soon after surgery.
‘Does that help?’ he asked finally.
Gemma nodded. ‘Yes.’
‘If you ever feel you don’t know what’s happening, please ask any one of us and we will do what we can to reassure you. I don’t ever want you to feel that you can’t ask. All of us here are dedicated to making sure that Darcy goes home with you a happy, healthy little girl.’
He placed his hand upon her shoulder and gave her a reassuring smile.
Ellie followed him out of the room, using a squirt of hand sanitiser as she passed it at the door and rubbing her hands together. ‘You were very good with her,’ she said. ‘I think she felt a little better at the end.’
‘Communication is key here. In this unit there can’t be any misunderstandings. The parents are often at their wits’ end and we need to make sure they know what’s going on with their children. Can you imagine what it would be like to be in that sort of limbo?’
She nodded. This ought to be the perfect moment to tell him about Samuel. But she felt it would be wrong. She was here to learn, not to get personal. And she thought that if she started it would be incredibly difficult for her to stop. The urge to tell him everything would be almost overwhelming.
I’ve been there! she wanted to say. I know how it feels! And she knew how easy he was to talk to. But they didn’t have that kind of relationship any more.
Instead, she just presented him with Darcy’s file. ‘These are her latest observations. Kidneys are working well.’
He ran his gaze over them. ‘What else do they tell us?’
She met his eyes. ‘That everything’s going as expected.’
He agreed again. But his gaze, as he looked at her, seemed to say something else.
* * *
‘So, tell me what you know about the problems faced by babies born prematurely.’
Ellie thought for a moment. ‘There are many problems. The earlier they are born, the more likely they are to have difficulties.’
‘Such as?’
Logan was determined to keep asking her questions about work. If he asked professional questions then he wasn’t telling her personal stuff she didn’t need to hear.
‘Problems with breathing, temperature control.’
‘Good. What else?’
‘Developmental delays. Intestinal issues, infection, hearing loss?’
He nodded, pleased. She knew more than some others they had in the department. In fact, she was doing really well. Working hard, looking after Darcy, as well as helping out with some of the other patients when called to do so.
‘How are you managing the workload? University, placement, assignments?’
She smiled. ‘It’s a lot, but I’m getting there. Thankfully I don’t have any distractions at home.’
He stared at her, intrigued by the small nugget of information she’d offered. ‘You still live at home?’
‘I moved out years ago. I’ve been living on my own for some time now.’
On her own.
Logan felt that the next most natural question would be, Did you never meet anyone? He hoped she had. Because he didn’t want to think she’d been alone. Because surely it was impossible that there hadn’t been a significant other in her life? Ellie was beautiful. Kind and caring. Loving.
He felt awkward, as if he somehow still owed her something for the way he had ended things. An explanation? An apology? It didn’t feel right, having to be businesslike with her. This awkwardness between them was uncomfortable. Once upon a time Logan had felt so at ease whenever he was with Ellie. Now that seemed to be gone, and surprisingly it hurt.
‘Still plenty of time for that, I guess.’
She smiled. ‘Well, my work and my studies are what’s important right now, so...’
‘Yes, of course they are. No time for...’
Romance? Anything else?
‘No.’
Clare appeared at their sides then. ‘I was about to insert the NG tube into Baby Sealy Number One but I thought it might be a good procedure for Ellie to do. What do you think?’
He welcomed the interruption. Their conversation was sending his thoughts into a direction he wasn’t sure he wanted them to go. Did he still harbour feelings for Elli
e? Of course he did. He felt confused and conflicted around her. But after Jo he’d vowed never to get involved with anyone ever again.
Ellie’s different, though, isn’t she? I’ve never stopped loving her.
‘That’s a great idea. Check Darcy’s obs again, and if everything’s fine then help Clare, okay?’
Ellie nodded. ‘Sounds like a plan.’
* * *
‘Do you know why we’re inserting a tube?’ Clare had asked.
‘I’m assuming to help with feeds?’
‘Aanchal Sealy is only twenty-eight weeks and therefore doesn’t yet have a sucking reflex. She has also demonstrated difficulty with swallowing, so a tube going directly into her stomach will help her feed and maintain her weight gain.’
‘Okay.’
‘Once you’ve gathered the equipment you need, you must wash your hands. Have you been taught an effective way to do this properly?’
‘Yes. We were taught that in our first week.’
‘Good. So, with our patient straight, we have to measure the desired length of NG tube to be inserted. We measure from the bridge of the nose to the earlobe, then down to below the xiphisternum. Do you know what that is?’
The xiphisternum? Ellie assumed it was somewhere in the middle of the chest, but where was it exactly? ‘No.’
‘It’s the lowest part of the sternum.’ Sarah pointed at the baby’s chest. ‘Then we lubricate the tip of the tube and insert through the nostril.’
‘Okay.’
‘You have to hold the baby steady as she might struggle a little as you gently advance the NG tube through the nasopharynx. But this is the most uncomfortable part for the baby, so don’t go too slowly.’
Ellie gripped the tube in her hand and steadied her breathing as she advanced it into the baby’s nostril. Aanchal squirmed and tried to wriggle, but with Clare holding her firmly she managed to get it in first try!
‘That’s excellent! Well done. Now, once you get to the right length you can fix the tube to the cheek with a dressing.’ She handed Ellie a pre-cut strip of tape. ‘Remove the guide wire and you should be done!’
Ellie beamed with pride. Her first neonatal naso-gastric tube! This was what it was all about. Treating patients. Achieving targets. She’d looked in the induction pack that she’d received on her first day here and there was a list of clinical skills that she had to achieve before she left her placement. Cannulas, catheters, basic observations, drawing blood... She was slowly beginning to work through them and get them signed off. It was a real sign of how she was progressing in her career and it reminded her that she needed to focus on that, and not so much on Logan.
‘Thanks, Clare.’
‘Hey, no problem.’
‘How long have you been a neonatal nurse?’
‘A few years.’
‘You must have seen it all?’
‘There are days when you think you can’t be surprised any more, but then you are. I guess that’s medicine for you.’
‘What’s been your most difficult case?’
Sarah thought for a moment. ‘Dr Riley’s daughter.’
Ellie was stunned. ‘Rachel?’
Clare nodded. ‘All cases are difficult, but when it’s one of your own it’s...’ She shook her head as if she still couldn’t quite believe it. ‘She had such a tragic start to her life. Emotions were incredibly high. But that’s the way of the world, isn’t it? Bad things can happen to anyone.’
Ellie wanted to ask more, but some parents arrived at that moment and Clare got up to greet them and walked away.
Ellie washed her hands, wondering what had happened to Rachel. What the tragic start to her life had been? If she really wanted to know she would have to ask Logan. But somehow it didn’t seem quite right, and she knew she’d keep her questions and her thoughts to herself.
Clearly something bad had happened, but if he wanted her to know wouldn’t he tell her?
At the end of the day, Ellie set out for home at the same time as Logan. They travelled down in the lift together and when the doors pinged open looked at each other uncertainly.
‘Well, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow?’
Ellie nodded. ‘Yes. Definitely.’
‘Good. Well, have a good night.’
‘You, too.’
As he walked away she looked at him. He was drawing up his collar to keep out the light rain that was falling and she wondered what he was walking home to. Perhaps his wife was a good listener and she would help soothe his worries and his cares? They must work as a team, looking after Rachel. Was it difficult? Autism was a spectrum, and she had no idea how affected his daughter was. The mention of Asperger’s indicated she was high-functioning, so maybe she was extremely intelligent even if her social cues were a little off.
I wonder who she looks like?
Did his daughter look like him? What would it feel like to see her? To look for those similarities? It had been awesome to see her own features in Samuel’s face. Strange, but also powerful. It had bonded him to her in a way she hadn’t expected, with such force it had almost taken her breath away. So to lose him so quickly had been...
Ellie pulled her umbrella out of her bag and popped it open. With one last look at Logan’s retreating form, she headed in the other direction.
* * *
The baby was small—barely a pound in weight. Ellie stood back as Logan and his team swarmed around their new patient. She watched intently, trying to take it all in. She saw Logan place his stethoscope in his ears and listen to the baby’s chest before he began issuing orders.
It was frightening to stand back, knowing that she could do nothing but watch. She wanted to help so much! But all she could do was stay out of the way, hugging the wall.
The team were busy with the new arrival for a good fifteen minutes. At first she thought it all seemed a little chaotic, but the more she watched, the more she noticed that everyone knew exactly what to do and when, and that Logan was leading his team calmly and efficiently. Everybody listened. Everyone respected each other and the jobs they had to do. And when it was over the baby was in an incubator, attached to a ventilator and in a stable condition.
Logan came over to her. ‘I’m sorry I didn’t get the opportunity to explain what was happening there. Stabilising a patient takes priority over teaching and time was critical.’
‘That’s okay. I could see that. What happens next?’ She looked at the baby, which was pinky red. It looked so small, and she couldn’t quite get over the fact that this baby was brand-new—minutes old—already facing a future filled with uncertainties.
‘We’ll do observations to start with, and then, when mum and dad get up here, we can talk them through what we need to be worrying about. The baby might need a scan.’
Logan went to the sink and began to wash his hands, then dried them with green paper towels.
‘A brain scan?’
‘To make sure there have been no bleeds on the brain. This patient is critical.’
‘Right...’
She didn’t know what to do. This sounded serious. So far there’d been no emergencies in the NICU while she’d been there. What would she do? How would she cope if a baby died? Would she be able to hold it together? Somehow she’d have to find the strength, because her thoughts had to be for the baby’s parents rather than herself.
She found herself staring at the tiny baby in its incubator, praying silently to herself that he’d make it through.
‘These are the difficult moments. They can be hard to witness. If you think you can’t handle it, then I’d rather you weren’t around when the parents arrive.’
‘I can handle it,’ she said with determination. ‘How do you do it?’
His eyes darkened. ‘Practice.’
The urge to pull him close was strong. To wrap her arms around him and
keep him safe in her arms. The feeling was so strong she almost swayed.
‘You okay?’ he asked, reaching for her arm.
His hand upon her had a startling effect. As if she was being seared by his touch. She couldn’t bear it and pulled herself free. ‘I’m fine.’
But her voice was shaky and uncertain and suddenly Logan was staring at her and misreading the situation.
‘Better take five minutes. Go on. I can do this.’
‘I’m okay, Logan.’
He smiled, his face full of empathy and kindness. ‘I know. But take a break anyway.’
* * *
Twenty minutes later he found her in the staff room, cradling a mug of tea in her hands that looked as if it had gone cold. She looked troubled, and he felt the need to try and bolster her self-confidence.
‘It’s okay to get upset.’ He sat opposite her, removing his stethoscope from around his neck and placing it on the table. ‘In private, at any rate.’
‘How do you do it, Logan? How do you look after these tiny babies? After what happened with your daughter?’
He blinked. ‘You know about what happened to Rachel?’
‘No. Someone said she came here, but not why.’
He nodded, thinking about telling her. He wanted to. And this would be the perfect time to explain everything. Yesterday he had wanted to tell her so much, yet he hadn’t wanted to burden her. Maybe now it was time?
‘I met Jo when I came back from Edinburgh. We were both junior doctors, and both working in A&E to begin with, so we spent a lot of time together.’
‘She’s your wife?’
He almost winced at the present tense. ‘Jo got pregnant with Rachel. We had a very quick, very small wedding. Both of us wanted to be married before our daughter arrived.’
He glanced at Ellie to gauge how she was reacting to this. She seemed absorbed in the story, so he continued.
‘One day we were driving home after a busy shift together and another driver...he had been up all night drinking...ploughed into our vehicle, side-on. He flipped us up, over and over, and the car came to rest on its roof.
Pregnant by the Single Dad Doc Page 5
