She came, crying out as she did so, and his movements became more urgent as his own climax swiftly followed hers.
Ellie couldn’t help it. She smiled, then laughed with relief, holding him to her as he slowed and stilled, his lips against her neck, gently kissing her, before he lifted his head to look into her eyes.
‘You always did drive me crazy, Ellie Jones.’
* * *
She lay in his arms on the hospital bed and he couldn’t help but turn and kiss the top of her head. To have her here with him... Safe, no longer in that ambulance, but here, and secure, no longer in danger... She had no idea how that made him feel.
She’s back where she’s always belonged. In my arms.
He’d watched them pull Sam from the ambulance and peered over the heads of the crowd, waiting to see Ellie come pushing through, looking for him. But she hadn’t, and he’d begun to fear the worst. Had something happened? Was Ellie somehow still trapped inside?
At St Richard’s he had escorted Bailey up to the NICU, informed Sam’s husband of what had happened, and then stayed for an update on the other two triplets, feeling that he must stay to continue their care.
Once the team had fully taken over he had headed down towards A&E, to see if he could locate Ellie—and then he’d found her, just standing in the hospital corridor, looking lost and numb, with three butterfly stitches near her hairline.
His palpable relief at seeing her standing there in one piece, whole and alive, had almost been too much! His feelings for her had come from out of nowhere and then he’d just needed her in his arms. Needed to feel her, to make sure that she really was alive, that she was his Ellie and...
And now they’d made love. It had been such a long time since he had felt such bliss. Such serenity. Felt that everything was right with the world again.
The last time he had lain with her in a bed, staring up at a ceiling, it had been when they were in their late teens. So much had changed—so much had passed in that time—but now the two of them had been... He couldn’t think of the right word. It was like returning home.
‘This is weird, isn’t it?’ he said.
Ellie laughed. ‘A little.’
‘This morning I thought it would be just another day in The Nest. A normal day.’
‘Well, that’s the thing with life. You never know when it’s going to screw with you.’
‘You’d have thought it’s played with me enough.’ He suffered a brief flashback to Jo’s accident. How he’d been dragged, kicking and screaming, away from the vehicle. Then he thought how he’d had to tear himself away today, from that ambulance...
She propped herself up on her elbow and turned to face him, her dark hair sweeping over the broad expanse of his shoulder. She was so beautiful it made his heart ache.
‘I’m sorry I made you leave me, Logan. But I had to.’
He felt her hair tickle his skin, liking the sensation. Loving the way her face was so near to his, her lips still swollen from his kisses.
‘I know.’ He stroked her face, tucking her hair behind her ear. ‘It didn’t make it any easier, though.’
‘And Sam’s okay?’
‘Yes. Concussion, but okay.’
‘And Bailey’s fine?’
Logan nodded. ‘Yes. And he’s back with his siblings now, as he should be.’
‘That’s good. And us...? Where should we be?’
He smiled. ‘Probably not in here like this. They’ll be expecting us back at Queen’s.’
She smiled, nodded, laying her head back against his shoulder. ‘Not yet, though. Let’s stay here a while longer. It feels so good to be back here with you. It feels right. Is that strange?’
So she felt it too?
Suddenly it struck him, as if he’d been hit over the head by a baseball bat, that he was lying here in a bed with Ellie. His student. His ex-girlfriend. That he’d stepped over a line that he shouldn’t have and jeopardised their professional relationship.
It didn’t matter that he’d wanted this for a long time—and, more than that, had allowed himself to feel again. To let his love for Ellie flow. To allow all those old emotions he’d held back years ago to be free again. To mean something.
There was so much more at stake now. He had a child. A career he loved. She was at the start of a great new beginning in her own life. Was he risking both their futures? Would he hold her back again? He didn’t think he would, but how did he know? He’d ruined her life before and it was all so much more complicated now.
‘We ought to get moving.’ Guilt propelled him out of bed and he began pulling on his trousers, picking up her clothes and passing them to her so that she could get dressed, too.
‘Thanks. Are you okay?’ she asked.
He fastened his zip, his button. Began to button his shirt. ‘Sure.’
She sat on the edge of the bed, holding her shirt against her bare breasts, looking confused, and then her eyes widened as she realised something. ‘You’re worried that we didn’t use protection. It’s okay—I’m on the pill.’
He turned to face her. Nodded. ‘Are you okay?’
She smiled. ‘I’m fine.’
Logan felt the bubble burst. The adrenaline rush was gone and the implications of their actions were beginning to be felt. He needed to get back to the hospital. To his daughter. To his neat and ordered life where nothing ever changed. Where he felt sure of everything.
He was very much aware that he’d muddied the waters. He had enough to think about with Rachel. Up to now she’d been his one and only focus in life apart from work.
What he’d just done with Ellie was a grave mistake—no matter how much he’d wanted it. He’d been selfish. Stepped over the line. Gone beyond the boundaries of being a boss. A mentor. He couldn’t carry on in that role for her now, could he? But if he asked to have her transferred to someone else it would reflect badly on her. It was unfair, but that was the way of things. People would ask questions. And this wasn’t her fault. He should be protecting her.
Now that they’d slept together, would she want more from him than he could give? Like before? He wasn’t sure what he could offer her. Rachel took up so much of his time. As did work. From the very first day he’d sat by his daughter’s incubator he’d vowed to put her first in everything. Which would make Ellie second—or third. She didn’t deserve to be anyone’s second priority. She deserved to be their first.
I can’t say anything. But I can re-establish our rules. How it must be.
They’d managed it before. He just needed to have stronger willpower, that was all. Do nothing that would throw them back into each other’s arms.
He could create distance without hurting her, right?
CHAPTER SIX
THEY GOT A taxi back to their own hospital in complete silence.
Ellie kept looking at Logan, trying to judge his mood, trying to gauge whether speaking about what had just happened would help at all. But she was wary of starting on something private like that, with the taxi driver listening from the front. So she kept quiet, staring out of the window.
Being with Logan had been wonderful. Being in his arms had been more than she could ever have hoped for. They’d both needed it after all they’d been through. Her desire and the need she’d felt to be with him had overridden any worries she’d had beforehand about her education and her future and what getting involved with Logan might mean.
‘I think it might be best if you took the rest of the day off,’ Logan said as the taxi brought them to a stop outside the hospital, breaking the silence for the first time. ‘Take time to recover. Your stitches... You’ve had a knock.’
‘Okay...’ She guessed that made sense. She could feel a tiny bit of a headache, and some general aches and pains from being thrown around the ambulance.
‘We’ve both been through a lot. It’s been a stre
ssful day. It would be unfair of me to expect you to carry on working.’
Unfair because of the accident? Or unfair because they’d slept together and now he was having regrets? His tone seemed to indicate that it was quite clear that what had happened had been a one-off and should never happen again.
‘Will you still be my mentor, Logan?’
He looked at her. Uncertain.
‘Because I want you to be.’ She leaned in. Lowered her voice. ‘What happened today shouldn’t have any bearing on the future. It was one moment. That’s all. It’s done now.’
‘If that’s what you want?’
She smiled at him, to indicate that it was. But a small part of her was disappointed that he was so clearly regretting what had happened between them. She told herself that it didn’t matter, because she didn’t need this kind of complication either. She had a future to think about. A career in medicine. Did she want to throw it away because of this?
In her unexpectedly free afternoon she took some flowers to Samuel’s grave and laid them against his headstone. There was no sign that anyone else had visited. Her old flowers were still there, so she took them away and placed them in the bin, annoyed that Daniel seemed to have forgotten his son. Just because they’d separated, and he’d begun a new life with someone, it didn’t mean that he could just forget his child had ever existed.
Daniel had moved on.
Had she?
I think I might have taken a huge step backwards.
* * *
Logan sensed rather than saw Ellie come into the room. He felt a tension, a palpability, as he heard the door close quietly behind him and he just knew it was her.
He didn’t turn around. He continued taping a new naso-gastric tube to his tiny patient’s face and then removed the debris, closed the incubator and tossed the trash into the clinical waste bin before washing his hands. He glanced over briefly to see where she was and saw her standing before the baby, one hand against the incubator.
‘A new patient?’ she asked.
‘Twenty-nine weeks.’ He hadn’t intended to sound so gruff, but he knew he had. It wasn’t because of Ellie. It was the baby. ‘Anencephaly. Do you know what that is?’
She looked up at him, her face sad. ‘I think I can see what it is.’
‘Yeah... Basically it means that the neural tube that should have closed to form the spinal cord and brain hasn’t closed properly and the patient is therefore born with most or all the brain tissue missing.’
‘You’ve passed a feeding tube—what’s the outlook?’
‘It’s a fatal condition. Most babies born with it are stillborn, but some can live for hours, days or weeks. This little girl is still alive, and there’s no reason why she should starve.’
Ellie almost seemed to back away, as if being so close to a baby who would die soon might somehow affect her. He didn’t blame her for being taken aback.
‘We’ll keep her warm and hydrated, do as much as we can. If you’re going to find this one tough you can step out.’ He almost wanted her to step out. Then he could get on with his work without feeling guilty every time he looked at her. He already had a headache after no sleep the previous night.
‘Does she have a name?’ she asked.
‘Ava.’
Ellie nodded, as if it somehow suited the baby. As if it was the right name. ‘I’ll stay.’
He tried not to let out a sigh. ‘Okay.’
‘What else can we do for her? Can she hear us?’
‘Probably not. But it wouldn’t hurt if you wanted to talk to her.’
Ellie looked at him. ‘I’d like to talk to you.’
He felt his face tighten. ‘I’ve...err...got quite a bit I need to be getting on with.’
She stood in front of him. ‘I don’t want things to change between us.’
Neither did he. ‘Nor do I.’
‘But I can already feel you pulling away from me.’
He shook his head. ‘I don’t want to jeopardise your future.’
‘Really? I need us to be friends, Logan. Can we be that at least?’
He nodded. ‘Always.’
She looked back down to Ava, opened the incubator and reached in to hold the baby’s hand, to stroke its fingers. ‘Are the parents on their way up?’
He paused. This was the bit he was struggling with. ‘They don’t want to see her.’
Ellie turned. Shocked. ‘What?’
‘They think it would be too upsetting for them.’
‘But they can’t do that! They can’t abandon her because they’re scared!’
He didn’t like her raising her voice in the NICU. ‘Keep your voice down, Ellie. These babies don’t need to hear grown-ups getting stressed. You know we don’t get to say how the parents of these babies behave. They deal with it in their own way and we’re here for them when they’re ready.’
Ellie looked exasperated. ‘But...but it’s their baby. Their child. They can’t leave her. They’re making a terrible mistake!’
‘We can’t know what they’re going through.’
She looked as if she was going to respond. She’d opened her mouth to retaliate. But he held up his hand, silencing her.
‘Parents might make choices for their babies that we don’t agree with, but it is their choice—not ours. We do our part by taking care of our patients for as long as we are able and that is all we are required to do. We’re not social workers, we’re not health visitors, and we’re not judges. We’re doctors and the babies are our patients—not the parents.’
Tears were in Ellie’s eyes. Of anger? Distress? ‘But she’s going to be all alone...’
‘Why don’t you stay with her? I’ll get on with everything else. You stay here. It’ll help me out, knowing you’re keeping an eye on her.’
What he didn’t say was that it would make him feel better, knowing he had a trusted member of staff with this patient, and also it would give him some breathing space. He was finding it terribly hard to think clearly with her around now that he’d slept with her again. It was as if being in the same room with her made his senses tingle. Made him hyper-alert to her presence. His body craved the touch and the feel of her once again, whilst his brain told him to keep away.
He would pop in every now and again—get Ava’s obs, give instructions on how Ellie ought to change her meds or fluids, and then go again.
She nodded. ‘I will stay.’ She reached for a stool and pulled it up so that she could sit down and still hold little Ava’s hand.
He watched her for a moment, admiring her determination in the sight of this hopeless case. It was going to be tough for her. The first death of a patient always was. But perhaps she needed to experience it so that she fully understood this place and what it meant to save the lives of those they could save.
At the exit, he turned. ‘Ellie...?’
‘Yes?’
He wanted to tell her—warn her how much this was going to hurt. But perhaps he didn’t need to. She was a grown woman. She knew how this was going to end and yet she still wanted to do it. He could admire her for that. And he felt guilty for cutting her off earlier.
‘You’re doing a good thing.’
‘Someone has to.’
‘Half-hourly obs. Alert me the second her saturations begin to drop. I don’t want you going through this on your own.’
She looked at him with tears in her eyes but said nothing.
* * *
Ava lived for ten hours and seventeen minutes with only Ellie at her side. Then Logan and a nurse joined her, and they all sat and waited for the end. When it came, it was as silent as her life. One moment she was breathing—the next she wasn’t.
Ellie held her own breath, waiting for Ava’s next one. When it didn’t come, and the machines announced their continuous tone, indicating asystole, she looke
d up at Logan, hoping that somehow he could make it not be true.
But Logan simply got up and listened to Ava’s chest for a few moments, then silently draped his stethoscope back around his neck and gently closed the incubator. ‘We’ll need to inform the parents.’
Ellie was angry, felt tears dripping down her face. ‘Why? They didn’t care enough to be here!’
‘Ellie—’
‘What? She lived, Logan! She lived! For hours. They could have spent that time with her. Instead she had to spend her life with strangers! People she didn’t know. Voices she didn’t recognise.’
She had begun to cry and she couldn’t stop it. She just felt so much rage towards those parents who hadn’t made it to the NICU to sit with their dying child. Something she would have given anything to do for Samuel. They had wasted that opportunity and part of her wondered if they’d spend a lifetime full of regret thinking about that decision.
‘She wasn’t in any pain and she felt the comfort of human touch. Yours, Ellie. You gave her that.’
How could he understand? He had his daughter. He’d never felt the loss that she had.
‘But was that enough? She should have had skin to skin... She should have had that!’
‘She wouldn’t have known what it was.’
‘How do we know that?’
‘She didn’t have a brain, Ellie! That’s how. She didn’t have a sensory pathway the way everyone else has. She wouldn’t have known.’
‘But you fed her so she wouldn’t starve. Hunger—that’s a sensation.’
Logan stared back at her. ‘It was her basic human right. Ellie, I’m sorry you had to see this. It’s hard, the first patient death, I know...’
She knew he had no idea of what it was like to lose a child. ‘I want to be the one to tell the parents.’
‘I can’t let you do that.’
‘Why? Because I’m too emotional? Because you think that I’ll say too much? That I’ll accuse them of something?’
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