But he’d done it for Ellie. For her education. He’d screwed up what they had, but he wasn’t going to mess with her career. That was important to her. So he’d swapped shifts for her benefit. This way she could continue with her placement without the distraction of him, and concentrate on what she had to do to pass without him ruining everything for her.
Why did he keep doing that to her? He’d left her to go to Edinburgh for his own education and now he was walking away again for the benefit of hers!
It was ridiculous! But he would do it because it was best for her. And, despite what he’d done, he did want the best for her. Of course he did. She needed someone who could be there for her one hundred percent, and he couldn’t do that if he was distracted by his own feelings for her. She probably didn’t understand right now, but she would.
Yes, he loved Ellie. He always had. He’d always cared for her. Deeply. He knew that. It had been hard to walk away from her the first time and he’d fought so hard not to contact her—because what would that have achieved? So he’d told himself he didn’t love her because that was better, wasn’t it? Easier for his conscience to bear?
And then there’d been Jo, and then Rachel, and then Ellie again, and...
He’d never be able to adequately explain just how he’d felt to have Ellie back in his life again. That first day, seeing her standing there on his ward in The Nest, looking so alone... He’d wondered what that look in her eyes had been about and he got it now. Seeing all those babies after losing her own must have been terrifying. How brave she was to go through this—and now she was pregnant. With his child!
He would be there for them both. He would!
But the big question was, would she ever understand the sacrifice he was making?
He was so afraid. Afraid of allowing himself to love her fully, freely, knowing that something could happen to her at any time and rip his heart from his chest and bring him to his knees. He’d been through it with Jo and barely kept going, but he had done so because he’d needed to be a father. To sit by the incubator holding his own daughter in The Nest. The team had been by his side and had been wonderful, but at the end of the day it had all been down to him.
What if something terrible happened to Ellie or the baby? What if this baby had renal agenesis, too? He wasn’t brave enough to take a chance on experiencing another loss. How many losses could one person go through before they were unable to function?
These thoughts weighed heavy on his mind as he made his way to work, making sure he saw Ellie leave before he entered the building for his shift. His heart had missed a beat at the sight of her. She looked so forlorn. So lost. So weary. All this had to be weighing heavily on her and he wanted to be there, to wrap his arms around her and tell her that no matter what it would be all right.
But he was afraid to go to her. To make it worse. So he stood back.
His first patient to check on, Baby Wells, was a new admission. Just twenty-five weeks’ gestation, tiny as a baby bird, and covered in the usual tubes, monitors and oversized hat. He saw that one of the team had given him a knitted octopus to hold on to. They found that a lot of babies found comfort in knitted toys. They mimicked the feel of the long umbilical cord they’d felt in the safety of the womb.
‘Hello...’ he said in a low voice to the mother who sat alongside. ‘I’m Dr Logan Riley and I’ll be looking after your little one tonight. Does he have a name yet?’
‘No. But I’ve been considering a couple.’
‘What are they?’
‘I’ve always liked the name Conor, but I wonder if I ought to name him after his father.’
Logan nodded. He’d read in the notes that the father had passed away. In a way, this baby’s mother was in the position he’d found himself in a long, long time ago. He wanted to be able to tell her that it would all work out, but he didn’t know that. Not for sure. And it was always best never to make promises you couldn’t keep.
‘What was his dad’s name?’
‘Mitchell.’
‘Both good names. Strong. Which do you think suits him best?’
She smiled, her eyes welling up. ‘Mitchell.’
He offered her a box of tissues. ‘Let me know when you’ve chosen and we can update his records.’
‘Okay.’ She wiped her nose and dabbed at the undersides of her eyes. ‘You know he died just a few months ago? My husband?’
Logan nodded.
‘He was so excited about this pregnancy. We both were. We’d already been through so much—three miscarriages. Three! I didn’t want to try again. I even went on the pill. But then he came along.’ She smiled down at her baby. ‘Despite everything, I guess he was meant to be, huh?’
Ellie had been on the pill and got pregnant. He couldn’t help but think of her.
‘Were your miscarriages early on?’
She shook her head. ‘No. Second trimester. I had to give birth to them all.’
Logan sank into his seat as he tried to imagine that. What she must have been through.
‘But then Mitchell, here—well, he made it to twenty-five weeks and they rushed him up here. Do you have any idea just how much I want to be able to hold a baby of my own in my arms?’
He nodded. ‘I think I can imagine.’
‘Well, times that by a hundred. A thousand. To lose all those babies and then my husband, and then to go into early labour with this one... I was so scared!’
‘But brave, too.’ He smiled. How much courage must this woman have found to keep on enduring? Doing it alone? ‘How do you think you managed it?’
She smiled. ‘You just have to, you know? It’s not a question of walking away. You love them and you try your best, no matter what.’
No matter what.
Was that the answer? You just kept going? Because there was no other option? He loved Rachel and he had to love Ellie and the baby, because this staying away, this walking away, had hurt him so badly he could hardly breathe.
Was he doing it for her? Or was he doing it to preserve himself?
I’ve been selfish!
Ellie needed him! His baby needed him! He should never have walked away! Especially knowing how she’d been abandoned before.
Logan gritted his teeth, wanting to go straight to his office and call her right now. But he couldn’t. It was the middle of the night. He felt ashamed of his own selfish behaviour. How would he face her? Apologise? Explain?
‘So, it’s Mitchell, after all?’
The mother smiled and nodded. Clearly glad to have made the decision.
‘I’ll change his tags. Let’s make it official.’
* * *
Ellie was nearly at the end of her first trimester now, and already her waistbands were getting tight. Perhaps it was just all this eating she was doing to stave off the sickness she was feeling? It had to be that, right?
So why aren’t I putting on weight everywhere else?
What was it? She feared it was some extremely rare condition she didn’t know about. Something she hadn’t yet come across in her textbooks and research.
Seated in the waiting room of the department, she found herself anxiously fidgeting with the strap of her handbag. She was constantly checking her mobile phone, and twiddling with the hem of her shirt. She was so absorbed that she didn’t notice someone come and stand before her until his feet came into view.
She looked up. ‘Logan!’
What was he doing here? Oh, of course. He’s here for the baby. Not me. Remember?
‘I wasn’t sure you’d come.’
‘I said I would.’
Yes, he’d made that quite clear. He wasn’t here for her. He was here because he felt a responsibility for putting this probably incredibly ill baby into her womb.
‘But I’m also here to explain, if you’ll let me.’
Was he real
ly going to string this out even more? What was there left for them to say to one another? Did he not know how hard it was for her to have him here? The man she loved? The man she had in her heart but couldn’t have in her arms?
‘Oh?’
He sank down into the chair next to her. ‘The last time we spoke I said something that I couldn’t properly explain. I was speaking from a place of fear. I acted the way I did because I was trying to protect you from what might come. From the knowledge that I had to be strong for you if everything went wrong.’
He shifted in his seat, made sure she was looking at him and took both her hands in his. She had to hear what he had to say.
‘I lost the woman I loved when she was pregnant and I nearly lost my child, too. I’ve never been so scared in my entire life, Ellie. And when that happened I couldn’t imagine going through the same thing again. Knowing how it would hurt you, I took a step back, thinking that if everything went wrong I’d be strong enough to support you—if I had some distance. I was bouncing from one thought and feeling to another, like a ball in a pinball machine, and in some stupid, confused, terrified act of trying to distance myself I did what I did and broke your heart. I never meant to. I’m sorry. And I’d like to hope you could learn to forgive me.’
She held her breath, listening to him speak. ‘I...’
‘I didn’t realise until I’d done what I did that you would feel I was abandoning you again, so I’ve come to tell you that I’m not just here for the baby but for you too—whatever happens when we go into that room. I’m here for us. If you’ll let there be an us. And to prove what I mean by that I’d like to do this...’
He got down on one knee and reached into his pocket.
She heard gasps of delight from the other mums-to-be in the room and felt her cheeks colour as he produced a small red velvet box and opened it to reveal a diamond solitaire.
‘I love you, Ellie Jones. I always have and I always will. I want you in my life for ever. I want to show the whole world how committed we are. I want to spend the rest of my life showing you every day just how much I love you and how much you mean to me. Will you marry me?’
The room went silent, except for the ringing of a phone at the main desk, and Ellie watched as the receptionist picked up the handset as if in slow motion, her mouth agape, waiting for her answer.
He loved her? He’d been scared? Well, so had she! Terribly afraid!
But didn’t they all do silly things when they were scared? She’d tried to close her whole life off because of what had happened with Samuel and Daniel. She’d been spending all her free hours glued to the internet, trying to discover all the obscure pregnancy-related complications there had ever been so that she could be prepared for each individual occurrence, should it happen.
That wasn’t rational behaviour! That was ridiculous! She’d almost driven herself insane, searching for what might be wrong with this pregnancy, when she’d been given no hint that there was anything wrong at all just yet!
And best of all he’d said that he loved her. That he was here for her no matter what. They could both go into that ultrasound room and hear the worst news of their entire lives but he wanted to be by her side for it. He’d been trying to be strong for her by creating some space for himself. That was all. He’d done it all for her.
‘What about Rachel?’
‘I’ve spoken to Rachel. She knows I’m doing this and she’s happy about it. She said, “At least you won’t be lonely any more.” But please don’t say yes because you think you’ll make Rachel happy, or me happy. Say yes only if you mean it. If you want me as much as I want you. If you love me as much as I love you.’
Her heart was pounding in her chest and slowly a smile emerged onto her face. ‘Yes! Of course, yes!’
The room erupted into noise as he slid the ring onto her finger, and then he was leaning forward to kiss her and hug her.
Words were not enough to explain how she felt in that moment as she stood there, her arms wrapped around the man she loved. Her happiness had multiplied suddenly, exponentially, and if the room had had no lights she felt sure her smile would have lit the place up instead.
They settled into chairs next to each other and she fiddled with the solitaire on her finger. ‘It’s beautiful...’ She kissed him, feeling her heart expand to let him in, feeling the warmth and the strength of his love surround her. Whatever faced them they would do it together.
‘Ellie Jones?’ said a voice.
A woman stood in the doorway of the ultrasound room. It was her turn.
She turned to face Logan. ‘Are we ready for this?’
He squeezed her hand tight and placed another kiss on her lips. ‘We can face anything. No matter what.’
* * *
Ellie lay down on the bed and undid the button and the zip on her jeans. To be quite frank it was a relief. She’d stuffed herself into them that morning, figuring they would do for the rest of the week, but she’d been regretting that decision ever since she’d left home.
Now she lay there, flinching as cold gel was squirted onto her lower abdomen and the sonographer placed the probe.
She didn’t have to reach for Logan’s hand. He already held her hand in his and now he kissed it reassuringly. She smiled at him, and then bit her lip. She couldn’t see the screen, but she could see the sonographer frowning and her spirits sank.
She mentally prepared herself for the worst. ‘What is it? You can tell me.’
The sonographer shook her head. ‘I’m...er...this is my first day going solo and I think I just need someone to double-check something for me.’
Ellie knew it. She’d known there was something wrong!
‘Do you have any history of multiples in your family?’ asked the sonographer.
She blinked. Multiples? ‘Er... I’m sorry? What...? Er...no.’ She glanced at Logan, who shook his head.
‘Nor me, as far as I know. Is it twins?’
Ellie turned back to the sonographer, who was shaking her head with a huge smile upon her face.
‘I think it is!’
Twins!
A multiple pregnancy!
That had to explain why she was so much bigger! She had dismissed that idea simply because there wasn’t any history of twins in her family, and quite frankly it had seemed too easy a solution. She’d automatically focused on the dark and the horrible, because that was all she’d ever experienced.
‘Twins...?’
‘I think so. I’ll just get my colleague to confirm...to make sure I’m not missing anything.’
Ellie began to shake. ‘Okay...’
The sonographer nipped out of the room and Ellie turned to face Logan. ‘Oh, my God! Twins!’
He laughed. ‘I know! That’s crazy!’
The sonographer came back with a colleague, who sat down and moved the probe once again before turning the screen and showing them their babies, counting them off—one and two—as she scanned.
‘Are they okay? I’ve been so worried about bilateral renal agenesis. My son had it and—’
‘Everything looks okay so far. All good. They’re each the size of a singleton baby at this gestation.’
‘Oh, my God!’ Tears of relief began to flow freely down her cheeks. They were okay! They were healthy! She had two babies inside her!
‘This will probably explain why your abdomen is a little larger than we’d expect at this stage.’
‘Are they identical?’ asked Logan.
The sonographer moved the probe. ‘See this? They’re in individual sacs, so no.’
Logan shook his head in awe. In amazement. He leant forward and kissed Ellie, passing her a tissue for her tears. ‘Are you happy?’
‘Are you kidding me? I’m ecstatic. This day has gone so much better than I could ever have imagined.’
He smiled and kissed her
forehead, stroking back her dark hair. ‘I’m glad. It’s been one of the best days of my life so far.’
‘You mean it?’
He smiled. ‘Of course I do.’
And then he kissed her again.
EPILOGUE
LOGAN KNELT DOWN to face Rachel outside the hospital room. ‘Now, before we go in, tell me the rules again.’
‘Be gentle.’
‘And...?’
‘Wash my hands.’
He smiled. ‘Okay. If we press this button on the wall it’ll help us do that.’
He demonstrated how to get some antibacterial hand gel from the wall dispenser and rubbed his hands, watching Rachel as she did the same.
‘And what else do we need to be?’
Rachel smiled. ‘Quiet. Can I see the babies now?’
‘Sure.’ He elbowed the door open, beaming a smile at Ellie, who sat between two incubators, a blanket over her lap. ‘Hey!’
‘Rachel!’ Ellie beamed a smile and reached out with her hands, curling her little fingers.
She and Rachel had found a new way to give each other hugs that didn’t make Rachel feel uncomfortable with bodily contact. They made pinkie promises. Hooking their pinkie fingers around each other’s.
‘How are you doing, pumpkin?’
‘I’m not a pumpkin, Ellie. I’m a little girl.’
She laughed. ‘Of course you are. Silly me. I forgot. I saw your beautiful smile and couldn’t help myself.’
‘Is this my sister and brother?’ Rachel peered at each incubator, her expression curious and interested.
They were in The Nest, of course. Not because anything was wrong, but because the twins had been born at thirty-six weeks—early for a singleton pregnancy, but perfect for a twin one. It was purely for monitoring. To make sure they maintained their temperature and oxygen levels and until they learned the sucking reflex for their feeds.
‘Yes. This one is Holly and the boy over here is... Well, we wondered if you’d like to be the one to give him a name?’
Pregnant by the Single Dad Doc Page 16
