Learning to Fly: A story about overcoming depression

by David E Forrester

  Gabriel thought for a second and then asked, ‘Are you allergic to raisins?’

  Pete looked at Gabriel, confused. ‘Raisins?’

  ‘Yes, raisins, or sultanas as you Australians sometimes call them,’ Gabriel continued.

  ‘No,’ Pete answered, still confused.

  ‘Good,’ Gabriel replied and left his office for a few seconds.

  Gabriel returned with a small box of raisins and held it out to Pete. ‘Here, take one but don’t eat it,’ he directed.

  Pete looked sceptical as he took a raisin from the box. Gabriel sat down and took a raisin himself.

  ‘Now, put the raisin in the palm of your hand and look at it. Don’t just give it a glance, I want you to really look at it. Try and notice its colours, its wrinkles,’ Gabriel instructed.

  Pete decided to humour Gabriel and stared at the raisin for a few seconds. He then became frustrated and said, ‘It’s a dried up wrinkly old piece of fruit, which is probably what I’m going to be before I’m cured.’

  Gabriel suppressed a sigh, ‘I would like you to not think about anything else for a little while and focus only on the raisin. Don’t only notice how it looks, but how it smells,’ he said, holding the raisin up to his nose and taking a sniff. Gabriel then held it up to his ear and gave the raisin a gentle squeeze. ‘And how it sounds.’

  Pete guessed where Gabriel was going with the exercise. He dropped his scepticism and did as Gabriel had instructed.

  Pete took another look at the raisin and observed its many lines and traced them with his eyes to the notch where its stem used to be. He held it up to his nose, took a sniff and smelled a slight cinnamon-like aroma. As Pete held the raisin up to his ear and gently squeezed, he heard soft popping sounds as it expelled some air. Hmmm, never noticed that before, he thought.

  Gabriel observed Pete approvingly and then said, ‘Now, I want you to consider how the raisin came to be here.’

  Pete pictured the long process of getting the raisin to his hand. The sun gently warming it in the morning and the rain cooling it. Then after it was picked, the sun beating down on it to dry it out. An assembly line of small boxes being packed with raisins, and finally a large container ship bobbing its way towards Singapore.

  ‘Now, place the raisin in your mouth, but don’t chew and swallow it. I want you to close your eyes and move it about your mouth, feeling it,’ Gabriel directed.

  Pete placed the raisin in his mouth and closed his eyes. He brushed it with his tongue and rubbed it up against the inside of one of his cheeks, feeling its wrinkles. He then pressed it against his palate and once again got a whiff of cinnamon. Pete then felt his saliva go to work and slowly begin to dissolve the dried fruit and the taste of caramel started to ooze into his mouth.

  ‘I want you to move the raisin between your front teeth and gently pinch it. Resist the urge to beginning chewing it,’ Gabriel requested.

  As Pete followed Gabriel’s instructions, the caramel oozing into Pete’s mouth accelerated and he had to hold back his urge to use his incisors to cut the raisin in half.

  ‘Feel it for a few seconds with your teeth,’ Gabriel continued and then abruptly added, ‘Chew it.’

  Pete chewed the raisin and felt the explosion of caramel in his mouth and a puff on cinnamon in his nose. He smiled and opened his eyes to see Gabriel chewing and smiling, but with his eyes still closed, so Pete hurriedly closed his eyes.

  After a few more seconds, Gabriel said, ‘You can open your eyes.’

  Pete smiled.

  Gabriel continued, ‘This exercise is designed to teach you mindfulness. So that you can really look at things and situations in the present and see them for what they really are rather than let your imagination run away with them and cause you stress.’

  ‘That’s all well and good, Gabriel, but if people at work saw me looking longingly at my lunch, they’d think I’d gone crazy,’ Pete replied cynically.

  ‘You can also practise mindfulness by simply focusing on your breathing. Count how long it takes you to breathe in and then out, or even just count your steps as you walk. No one would notice either of those exercises.’ Gabriel stood up and offered his hand. ‘Same time next week?’

  Pete hesitated a little as he weighed up his first impressions of Gabriel. ‘Can we make it a Monday or Tuesday night? Those days are less likely to clash with something going on in the market.’

  Gabriel checked the calendar on his phone. ‘Yes, Monday works for me. See you next Monday night then. My receptionist will give you your prescriptions.’

  Pete nodded. ‘OK, then. Thanks Gabriel.’ He stood up to shake Gabriel’s hand.

  ‘You’re welcome, Pete,’ Gabriel replied. And as Pete was leaving his office, Gabriel quickly caught his attention and added, ‘Hey Pete, next time you can dress more comfortably. You don’t have to impress me.’

  7

  Liz’s quiet scream

  Pete arrived at a boutique Italian café in Tanglin Mall and was surprised by how busy it was midmorning on a weekday. While there were expat wives as well as Indonesian tai tais with their ‘big-wave’ hairdos crowding the tables, there was also a large number of twenty-something Singaporeans sipping on lattes and picking at food.

  Liz put down her cappuccino and gave Pete a wave. He made his way through the tables to his wife. ‘Wow, I’m surprised it’s so busy,’ he said as he sat down.

  ‘Yep, Singaporean kids have graduated from Kopitiams and Starbucks to places like this,’ Liz observed.

  ‘Shouldn’t they be at work or something?’ Pete asked, sitting down.

  ‘Singaporeans love their long late breakfasts. That’s why I got here early,’ Liz explained and took a sip of her cappuccino.

  ‘Guess that explains all the fuss at work when the locals are deciding who to send out to get breakfast. They all want to go.’

  There was a short pause before Liz ventured to ask, ‘So, what was it like?’

  ‘Not what I expected that’s for sure,’ Pete replied.

  ‘Why?’ Liz asked curiously.

  Pete leaned forward and lowered his voice. ‘I don’t think this Doctor Ong is very conventional.’

  Liz took Pete’s cue and spoke softly, ‘What makes you say that?’

  ‘Well, for one thing, he had me sucking on a sultana as some sort of meditation exercise,’ Pete explained.

  Liz stifled a laugh. ‘Well I’ve been telling you for ages you should come to yoga and learn how to meditate and relax.’

  Pete felt his anger spike. ‘Well maybe I should just skip the antidepressants he wants me to take, given things are so easy to fix,’ he replied, struggling to keep his voice down.

  Just then a waitress arrived and asked, ‘Are you ready to order?’

  ‘Double-shot expresso,’ Pete said brusquely.

  ‘I’m sorry, sir, but our expresso machine’s not working at the moment. It should be fixed soon. I hope you don’t mind waiting,’ she explained politely.

  ‘Fine. No rush. It’s only an expresso,’ Pete said sarcastically.

  Liz looked at Pete with a mix of disgust and embarrassment. She turned to the waitress and said calmly, ‘I’m sorry, we’re going to need a minute.’

  ‘No problem, just let me know when you’re ready,’ the waitress said, relieved, and hurried off.

  Pete looked irritably at Liz. He needed a coffee at the best of times and now was not the best of times. ‘Why did you do that? I needed to get an order in now if I have any hope of getting a coffee before lunch.’

  Liz coolly held her ground. ‘You’re supposed to be resting anyway, not pumping yourself up on caffeine. What’ve you got to be so awake for anyway?’

  ‘Apparently, the public lecture I’m receiving,’ Pete replied, again barely managing to keep his voice down.

  Liz looked down and after a moment wiped away a tear. Pete was immediately disarmed and said, ‘I’m sorry,’ reaching across the table to take her hand as a peace offering.

  Liz waved Pete o
ff and took a breath to compose herself before looking up at him. ‘Pete, I really need to say something now and I need you to listen and let me finish,’ she said and paused. He nodded, so she went on, ‘Pete, you’ve become a real jerk. You’re short tempered and prone to outbursts at the slightest thing. Look at how you treated that poor waitress just now. And it’s not just your anger that I’m worried about. When you’re with Bobby and me, you’re not really there. If you’re not checking you’re iPhone you seem to be off daydreaming and just going through the motions. We’re supposed to be trying to have another baby, but I don’t feel any connection with you anymore. I’m pretty sure Bobby feels the same way. When you’re with him you only ever parallel play, you don’t engage…’ Liz paused, seeing she had wounded Pete.

  Pete’s head began to pulse with his thoughts and he could barely hear what Liz said next.

  ‘I’m sorry for unloading on you like this now, but if the other night wasn’t enough of a wakeup call for you, then I’m giving you another one now.’

  Pete was caught up in a whirlwind of his thoughts.

  ‘Well, Pete, have you got anything to say?’ Liz probed.

  Finally breaking free from his thoughts Pete said, ‘Liz, I’m so sorry. I had no idea I was being a jerk to you and Bobby. And I feel really bad about that. It just seems that everything is going wrong right now and I don’t know how to make it right.’

  Liz took Pete’s hands in hers and looked into his eyes. ‘Just take the help you’re being offered,’ she suggested.

  Pete looked down at the table and breathed deeply. ‘You’re right. Things have to change.’

  They sat quietly for a moment, but something had shifted between them. Pete broke the silence. ‘So, I guess it’s therapy and antidepressants for me then.’

  Liz decided to ask for more. ‘I also want us to start going to church again. I think that we’ve both lost our way over here.’

  Pete straightened in his chair. ‘Liz, I stopped going to church back in Australia because the hellfire-and-brimstone sermons depressed me.’

  ‘The girls at the gym have been telling me about this Pastor Prince at New Creation Church. Apparently, he’s the opposite of that, some kind of grace preacher. Though I’m not sure what that really means,’ Liz said.

  Pete folded his arms and looked sceptically at Liz. ‘New Creation? Sounds like Scientology.’

  ‘No, it’s strictly a Bible-based church,’ Liz assured him.

  Pete sighed. ‘Liz, I stopped going to church not just because of the sermons or because I haven’t had time…I’m just not sure I believe in God anymore. I’ve seen so many good things happen to bad people and bad things happen to good people that it makes me think things are handed out at random and it’s up to people to make the most of what they have. They can’t rely on any…divine intervention.’

  Liz leaned back, but then her face softened. ‘Pete, I know things are really hard for you at the moment. But I think that’s exactly why we need to go back to church. I really think it could help.’

  Pete thought for a few seconds. He knew Liz wouldn’t force him to go back to church, but he also knew that she would not hesitate to go on her own, which would make him feel guilty. ‘OK, so I guess it’s back to church for me too then,’ Pete said before signalling the waitress. ‘What will Bobby do while we’re at church?’

  ‘The church has a Sunday school for kids Bobby’s age. I think it’s time he started learning some spirituality,’ Liz said.

  ‘OK, it’s hard to disagree with that.’

  ‘Hello, what can I get you?’ the waitress asked a little nervously.

  ‘Listen, sorry about earlier,’ Pete said.

  ‘No problem. You’d be surprised how often it happens. Especially before people get their caffeine hit,’ the waitress said with a smile.

  ‘The expresso machine still down?’ Pete asked.

  The waitress winced. ‘I’m afraid so.’

  ‘OK, can I have a chai-latte instead then, please?’ Pete asked with a smile.

  ‘Sure.’

  Liz gave Pete a quizzical look. ‘That’s a bit metrosexual for you, isn’t it?’ she remarked.

  Pete smirked and quipped, ‘Yeah, next thing you know I’ll be doing yoga.’

  8

  Seeing a star

  Pete and Liz looked about the Star Auditorium as they walked down the aisle towards their seats, high up in the circle section, which gave them an appreciation of the size of the auditorium as well as the large number of people already seated and waiting for the church service to begin.

  Once they found their seats, Liz peered down at the stage. ‘You know, this place may be packed out and we may be in the nose-bleed section, but somehow it still feels cosy.’

  ‘It looks less formal than I expected,’ Pete commented.

  ‘You expected something else?’

  ‘Maybe I’m just used to the idea of small stone chapels or huge cathedrals rather than rock concert venues for church services,’ Pete replied.

  ‘Well, you couldn’t expect this many people to fit into a small stone chapel, or even a cathedral, could you?’ Liz replied.

  ‘I guess not. And this Pastor Prince must be saying something right to get this many bums in seats.’

  Music started to play, and the stage curtain rose to reveal two choirs bookending a band consisting of a drummer, keyboardist and lead and bass guitarists. Half a dozen singers came bouncing out onto the stage with microphones in hand to complete the ensemble.

  The lead female vocalist called the crowd to its feet. ‘Good morning Church! Let’s rise and worship the Lord in this place,’ she said in a rousing voice.

  The crowd rose to its feet and began singing along to a song that Pete thought was too upbeat to be part of a church service. Close-ups of the singers as well as panning shots of the crowd were displayed on the big screens about the auditorium along with the words to the song.

  Pete and Liz looked at each other in surprise and were pulled to their feet. Liz smiled and began clapping and singing along. Pete could understand the wave of excitement and joy that had swept through the church, but he was not willing to float away on it. Here’s a group of happy people celebrating the communal love of their God. This could be nothing but good. So even if I’m not sure I believe in God anymore, this at least doesn’t feel wrong, Pete reasoned.

  Throughout the performance, the singers’ verve never faded, whether it was a slow worship song or an upbeat celebration of faith.

  After several songs, a tall man dressed in stylish jeans and a leather zippered jacket stood behind the performers singing along. When the song concluded, the crowd applauded as the performers bowed and walked offstage, giving the man the floor.

  Pastor Joseph Prince stepped forward and was met by another wave of applause. He had a kind face with chiselled features, almond-shaped eyes and a beaming smile.

  Pete leaned towards Liz and whispered, ‘What’s Pastor Prince? Eurasian?’

  ‘I read that he’s Chindian,’ Liz answered.

  ‘Chindian?’ Pete smiled. ‘His chin doesn’t look that big.’

  Liz chuckled. ‘Half Chinese, half Indian,’ she explained.

  Pete sat up in his seat with renewed interest. ‘Now that makes things more interesting. Someone, who by birth, should’ve been Hindu, Sikh or even Muslim, has ended up a Christian preacher,’ he said thinking aloud.

  Pastor Prince was still smiling as the crowd’s applause began to die down. ‘Thank you, Church. And thank you for that wonderful performance. Don’t you think they were wonderful, Church? C’mon give them another round of applause,’ Pastor Prince urged the congregation and it obliged.

  ‘Do you know, Church, we are so blessed to have so many talented musicians and singers. I know that the Lord has placed them here to enrich our worship of Him.’ He paused for a beat before launching into his sermon. ‘Today, Church, I want to talk to you about repentance and the forgiveness of sins.’ Another pause to allow t
he message of the sermon to sink in. ‘You see, Church, many preachers talk about the need for repentance before receiving Jesus, that sin separates us from God and so we need to repent in order to get right with God again,’ he continued.

  Pete looked over at Liz and raised an eyebrow and she bit her lip nervously.

  ‘Church, this kind of preaching scares many people away. For example, I once ran into an old friend who had stopped coming to church. So, I invited her to come back. And she replied, “I need to stop sinning before I feel comfortable going back to church.” So, I looked at her and asked, “Do you take a shower before you bathe?” And she looked at me puzzled, so I answered for her, “No, so why should you have to stop sinning before coming back to church?”’

  Liz and Pete laughed along with the congregation and began to relax as they were steadily drawn into Pastor Prince’s sermon.

  ‘That lady did come back to church and is now a volunteer,’ he said. ‘So, you see, Church, you should not be afraid of coming here if you’re a sinner. You should come to church because you’re a sinner. Jesus loves sinners. Zacchaeus the tax collector was a sinner and yet Jesus called him by name, went to have dinner at his house. And, his encounter with Jesus transformed Zacchaeus and he went on to follow Jesus. Can I have an Amen?’ Pastor Prince cried.

  ‘Amen!’ the congregation replied.

  ‘So, what the Lord means by repentance is to be transformed. Bible repentance is not this idea of hitting or punishing yourself to atone for your sins. It’s about changing your mind and turning it towards Jesus. Just as Zacchaeus did and became a new creation. Can I have another Amen?’

  The congregation again obliged.

  Pastor Prince then started going through a series of PowerPoint slides containing Bible verses to illustrate the use of the word repent. He emphasised that at times it meant not just changing one’s mind, but also a change of heart and a turning of that heart towards Jesus.