‘I meant spending time with your son,’ Gabriel clarified.
‘Oh,’ Pete said.
But before he could answer Gabriel continued, ‘And I must caution you, that unless you have some sort of gluten intolerance, cutting gluten out of your diet is not going to help much with your general health. And, there’s scant scientific evidence that it will help with your depression.’
‘I guess that’s another reason to be unhappy about how my homework went,’ Pete lamented.
‘You’re going to get a chance to spend some quality one-on-one time with your son. It’s a chance to make a connection, which is one of the things we talked about last week,’ Gabriel pointed out gently.
Pete sighed as Gabriel’s observation reminded him of trying to teach Bobby to ride his bike. ‘Yeah, I guess that’s one way you could look at it. But it certainly didn’t feel that way on Saturday.’
‘Why’s that?’ Gabriel probed.
‘I was trying to teach Bobby how to ride a bike and I messed up really bad,’ Pete answered.
‘Is Bobby OK?’ Gabriel asked with genuine concern.
‘Yeah, he’s fine, just a small graze on his knee,’ Pete replied.
‘Well, that’s hardly a disaster. You can’t expect a kid to learn how to ride a bike without getting some bumps or bruises,’ Gabriel offered.
‘Yeah, that’s what I said to Liz in my defence, but I didn’t really mean it. It happened because I let go when I shouldn’t have,’ Pete berated himself, staring at the floor.
‘Pete, there are going to be plenty of times in Bobby’s life when you’re going to have to let go and allow him to make mistakes. It’s just part of being a parent,’ Gabriel said.
Pete looked at Gabriel uncertainly and asked, ‘Got any kids, Gabriel?’
‘No, I don’t,’ Gabriel admitted cheerfully. ‘And I don’t have to have kids to notice how you seem to expect things to go perfectly and when they don’t you get angry with yourself. And even when things do go right, you seem to have trouble acknowledging that.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Things went pretty well with Liz, didn’t they? She’s not angry at you anymore, right?’ Gabriel asked.
‘Yes, but Bobby is.’ Pete replied.
‘So, things aren’t perfect,’ Gabriel remarked.
Pete looked at the floor. ‘Yeah, but sometimes I wish they could be, even just for a little while.’
Gabriel put his clipboard aside and leaned forward in his chair. ‘Pete, may I make an observation?’
‘Go ahead.’
‘You think like a depressed person,’ Gabriel said.
Pete let out a derisive huff. ‘No shit, Gabriel, that’s because I am depressed.’
‘So, we’ve got to try and change your way of thinking,’ Gabriel said.
‘Gabriel, if you tell me that I need to start seeing the glass as half full instead of half empty or some other crap like that, I’m going to get really pissed off,’ Pete cautioned him.
Gabriel held Pete’s gaze. ‘No, I’m not, and can I say I understand how people telling you those sorts of things would really frustrate you. Hell, if only it were that easy, right?’
Pete nodded. ‘Yeah right.’
‘Instead, what I’m going to do is teach you how to stop thinking negatively.’
Pete frowned and said, ‘Isn’t that sort of the same thing?’
‘Not quite.’
‘And how’s that?’
‘We’ve got to change your internal dialogue with yourself,’ Gabriel explained.
Pete looked at Gabriel confused and asked, ‘You mean how I think about myself?’
‘Not quite. How you talk to yourself,’ Gabriel clarified.
‘Great. It’s not enough that I’m depressed, you’re going to add paranoid schizophrenia to the mix,’ Pete mocked.
‘Let me give you an example.’ Gabriel smiled warmly. ‘You saw your talk with Liz as a failure because she flipped you and you didn’t get to flip her, right?’
‘Yeah, sort of,’ Pete said.
‘Well, is it really a failure given that she’s forgiven you and you’re no longer in the doghouse?’ Gabriel asked.
‘No, I guess not,’ Pete replied.
‘See, what you are doing is running a mental filter over the event and seeing only the bad things,’ Gabriel said.
‘Sounds pretty close to that glass half empty crap I warned you about Gabriel,’ Pete said irritably.
‘It’s a fair bit more than that. See, you picked out a single negative detail of the event – Liz flipping you – and allowed it to colour the whole experience,’ Gabriel explained. ‘And spending time with Bobby on Saturday mornings is hardly doing penance, is it? He’s your son after all.’
‘Yeah, thanks again for reminding me of what a crappy father I am. I’m not only let him fall off his bike and get injured, but I don’t like spending time with him either,’ Pete said, feeling ashamed.
‘None of that is true,’ Gabriel said emphatically. ‘And what you’re doing is allowing what are called ‘cognitive distortions’ to rule your thinking and your mood.’
Pete was taken aback by the authority with which Gabriel spoke. ‘Cognitive what?’
‘Cognitive distortions. When it comes to depression, psychiatrists and psychologists have identified about ten of them. And when you snapped at me just then, you demonstrated a fair few of them,’ Gabriel pointed out politely.
‘Sorry,’ Pete said, abashed. ‘So, what are these cognitive distortions?’
‘The first one is known as mislabelling. You demonstrated that when you stopped describing letting Bobby fall off his bike as a failure and instead attached a negative label to yourself – I’m a crappy father. You also engaged in what is known as emotional reasoning. Because you feel like a bad father, you believe it to be true. You also jumped to a pretty big conclusion when you assumed I was trying to make you feel like a bad father because you don’t like spending time with Bobby. That’s a classic mind-reading cognitive distortion. In actual fact, I think the fact you’re making an effort to spend time with Bobby makes you a good father. I think you just have to be more realistic about what that time should be like. It’s not going to be all Facebook-worthy moments,’ Gabriel explained.
Pete nodded and sighed. ‘You got that last part right, and as for the rest of it, I sound pretty messed up. You said there are ten of these cognitive distortions?’
‘Yes, give or take. I’ll give you a list so you can familiarise yourself with them. That way you can spot them as they occur, and we can start tearing them out at the roots, along with your depression,’ Gabriel said as if he were talking about a noxious weed.
‘How are we going to do that?’
‘What I would like you to do is every day sit down for at least fifteen minutes in the evening with pen and paper and draw up a table with three columns. In the first column, write down the negative thoughts you had about yourself during the day. In the second column, write down the cognitive distortions or illogical reasoning that led to those negative thoughts. And in the third column, think of and write down a rational response to those thoughts.
‘For example, when you were teaching Bobby to ride a bike, you could write in the first column “I’m a bad father because I shouldn’t have let go of the bike so soon” and in the second column you’d write several cognitive distortions such as “should statement” – because you’re dwelling on how you shouldn’t have let go of the bike and feeling guilty about it is not going to change history. You could also write “magnification” or “catastrophising”, as you think that the one act of letting Bobby fall off his bike makes you a bad father. There’s also an element of “all-or-nothing thinking”. Bobby’s bike-riding lesson didn’t end in him riding all by himself and meet your vision of perfection, so you see yourself as a failure and a bad father, which is a “mislabelling” distortion.
‘And, in the third column, you could write rational responses to the disto
rtions such as “kids fall off bikes when they’re learning to ride. Bobby didn’t break any bones or need stitches, so it’s not so bad. But next time I’ll be a little more careful. And I’m not such a bad dad, at least I’m out there making an effort,”’ Gabriel concluded.
‘Can’t I just think about all of this when a bad thought’s happening and stop it right then and there? That way I wouldn’t have to relive them every evening and make myself feel bad again,’ Pete said.
‘Doing it all on the spot will take some practice. By thinking about it at the end of the day, you’d be looking at the situation in the cold light of day, so to speak, which will gradually help you to retrain your thinking. And Pete, this is going to take time and practice, so I would like you to start attaching your self-esteem to your improvements rather than your achievements. That goes for this exercise, but also life in general.’
Pete let out a long sigh as he considered what Gabriel had just said. He felt the reasoning resonate within him and then a small but perceptible shift in his psyche. He sat up a little straighter.
‘Also, Pete when it comes to your workplace, I think you need to give yourself a break. You express a fair bit of contempt for yourself when you refer to it as glorified gambling,’ Gabriel said, referring to their first session. ‘I think it’s another classic case of mislabelling.’
‘Yeah, maybe you’re right. Sometimes at parties when people ask me what I do for work, I say I’m a lawyer rather than a banker,’ Pete replied.
Gabriel chuckled. ‘So, lawyers are higher up the social ladder than bankers these days?’
Pete huffed and nodded. ‘Yes, they are. The Crisis changed a lot of things.’
‘Pete, you must enjoy some parts of your job otherwise you wouldn’t still be doing it.’
Pete paused for thought and replied, ‘I like it when I help the younger guys make money. It also makes me feel good when I help some companies that actually make and sell stuff manage their exchange rate risk. And I like that my job allows me to gamble a little,’ he added cheekily.
Gabriel smiled and then said seriously, ‘Pete, everybody’s got to earn a living. And I’m sure you get to do some good with the money you earn.’
Pete smirked. ‘Funny you mention that. Just last week I signed up to captain the bank’s Bloomberg Square Mile Relay team. It’s ten grand to the winning team’s chosen charity. I don’t think we’ll win, so I’m running a charity drive around the race.’
‘I have to say I’m impressed,’ Gabriel said sincerely.
‘Well, it was your idea,’ Pete replied.
‘How so?’
‘You told me I should get to know people outside work,’ Pete answered.
‘So, you really jumped in at the deep end. Well done for being so bold,’ Gabriel said. ‘And by the way, so what if you don’t win? Don’t take the fun out of it by disqualifying the positive. That’s another cognitive distortion.’
‘Whoa, I haven’t even got the list yet and you’re already testing me,’ Pete replied.
‘Just giving you a taste of what to expect in our next session. By the way, how are the antidepressants working out? Any side effects?’ Gabriel asked.
‘Other than that bit of anxiety that wore off, things have been fine. And it feels as though my moods have evened out a bit,’ Pete answered.
‘Good to hear. And, at this stage that’s the best we could hope for. But I have to be honest, more side effects could occur,’ Gabriel cautioned.
‘Such as?’ Pete asked nervously.
Gabriel pulled out a sheet a paper from his clipboard and handed it to Pete.
Part II
Flying
17
Unsatiated
Pete was exiting the pantry with his bowl of cereal and passed Derek who had a female employee cornered at one of his favourite ambush points - an alcove in the corridor that led back to the trading floor.
Pete paused and looked back. ‘Hey Sophie, could I borrow you for a minute? I need to talk to you about a client order.’
‘Yes, sure Pete,’ Sophie replied eagerly and quickly fell into stride with Pete. ‘So which client order is it?’
Pete waited until he was out of earshot of Derek. ‘None, you just looked like you needed some rescuing.’
‘Thanks. Derek doesn’t know how to take a hint.’
‘Why do you ladies put up with him? Have any of you complained to Neil?’ Pete asked.
‘A few of us have, but Neil tells us it’s just part of being on the trading floor,’ Sophie complained.
‘That’s garbage! Why don’t you go to HR?’ Pete suggested.
‘I’ll think about it,’ Sophie answered insincerely as they reached the sales and trading desks. ‘Thanks again Pete,’ she added and went to sit at her desk.
‘Anytime,’ Pete replied as he sat down next to Johnno.
‘Pete, did you hear?’ Johnno asked.
‘Hear what?’ Pete said, sitting up anxiously and looking at his screens.
‘They busted a NAB trader and an ABS employee for insider trading around the Aussie data releases,’ Johnno said.
Pete relaxed. ‘I knew someone was getting the data early.’
Johnno nodded. ‘Well those crazy moves we saw again this week were probably the last of it from what I’ve been reading.’
‘Good, one less thing to worry about,’ Pete said, recalling his incident with Derek several months ago.
‘Yeah, that’ll make it easier for some people to look after their clients’ orders around data releases,’ Johnno said quietly, motioning in the direction of Derek’s desk.
Pete smiled inwardly at Johnno’s show of loyalty and asked, ‘So, how did they catch these guys?’
‘Word on the street is that the NAB guy was using a private account to punt the Aussie whenever his old uni mate at the ABS told him there was going to be some data released that was going to surprise the market. They busted them after the NAB guy did some trades around the retail sales and employment data releases this week,’ Johnno explained.
‘The NAB guy should’ve kept things quiet and done some losing trades to throw the cops off,’ Pete said.
Johnno chuckled. ‘Not this guy. He even bought one of the places from The Block and wrote a personal cheque for the deposit.’
Pete shook his head. ‘What an idiot! Buying an apartment on national television with dodgy money. Of course you’re going to attract attention and get caught.’ Pete did a quick mental calculation. ‘The Block places went for over two million dollars a pop. How much money did these guys make?’
‘I don’t know about the ABS guy, but the newswire reports say that the NAB guy made about seven million dollars! They’d been running the scam for nearly a year,’ Johnno added.
‘Wow, it’s hard to hide that amount of money,’ Pete observed and then changed tack. ‘OK, enough gossip. It’s Friday, it’s been a super busy week. Please tell me clients are tired like me and that the order books are empty.’
‘Well the good news is that the order books are empty, but the bad news is that they could fill back up,’ Johnno replied.
‘Why?’ Pete asked.
‘We have China inflation data out at nine-thirty.’
‘Crap, so much for a quiet one,’ Pete said, looking at his watch. ‘I have about thirty minutes to grind my way through breakfast and come up with some ideas. Thanks, Johnno. Have anything on today?’
‘Nope, I’m keeping my positions square and I’ll trade the China data if I see anything interesting.’
‘OK. Well I’m going to head over to Research and see if they’ve got any ideas about today’s events,’ Pete said, grabbing his bowl of cereal.
Pete finished a mouthful as he rounded the desks that led to Research. ‘Good morning brains trust,’ Pete said as he pulled up an empty chair and sat down.
The two researchers swivelled in their chairs, surprised to see Pete in their aisle. ‘Hi Pete. Bit bored today?’ Chen said, eyeing Pete with suspicion.
Pete was caught with a fresh mouthful of cereal and had to choke it back in order to respond. ‘What? A colleague can’t come and say hi?’ Pete swallowed then said, ‘But seriously, you guys have been on a good run lately. So I’m hoping you can help me out today.’
‘We’re happy to help out where we can,’ Chen replied enthusiastically.
‘What are you thinking about the China inflation data?’ Pete asked.
‘China’s economic growth is slowing, so the inflation data today will be weak,’ Chen said.
‘How would the markets react?’ Pete queried.
Chen frowned. ‘Weak inflation gives the People’s Bank of China room to cut rates, which would help the economy and give equity markets a boost.’
‘Yeah, but we don’t trade equities,’ Pete offered.
Bruce jumped into the conversation. ‘But rate cuts in China would also help the Australian economy given China’s economy’s so important to it. So they would take pressure off the RBA to keep cutting rates, which would be good for the Australian dollar.’
Pete nodded and began to think aloud. ‘It’s a Friday, so there’s a good chance of a rumour starting that China’s going to cut rates tonight when their market’s closed or over the weekend, which would boost Chinese equities and the Aussie Dollar. So, I should buy the Aussie on a weak China inflation print.’
Chen and Bruce both expressed their agreement.
‘Great. Thanks, guys,’ Pete said and headed back to his desk.
‘China inflation data are out in one minute,’ Chen yelled.
‘OK, Chen, just yell out if it’s weak or strong, please?’ Pete asked.
‘Got it,’ Chen replied, and the trading floor went quiet.
As Pete’s fingers hovered above his dealer board, his stomach rumbled then cramped. Pete shifted in his seat. ‘That’s odd, I’ve never felt like crapping myself over a data release before,’ Pete thought and winced. He shifted his weight again and tried to expel the air quietly, but failed. It was not the loudest, but it was the longest fart he had ever emitted.
Learning to Fly: A story about overcoming depression Page 9
