My biggest problem would be resisting him, knowing he blamed me for missing the first six years of the twins’ lives. Seeing him brought back a flood of memories of some of the happiest moments in my life that didn’t involve my children. I refused to fall prey to the sorrow of knowing we’d never get a second chance. I didn’t need a second chance. I didn’t need a man in my life. I needed to get my nursing degree, get my career on track, and learn to live on my own two feet and not depend on others.
If Easton insisted on supporting his children, I’d accept his offer, but the last thing I wanted was to be dependent on any man indefinitely. Once I had my nursing career underway, I’d put any spare child support in trust or something for the kids’ college funds. I wouldn’t use a penny of it.
I had my pride, and I’d someday soon have the luxury of indulging in a few prideful moments.
I closed my eyes, letting peace wash over me for the first time in months. I was doing the right thing for myself, for Easton, and most of all, for Hailey and Heath.
I was lying in a field on a blanket looking up at the millions of stars in the sky. Easton lay next to me, his hands behind his head. In one week, his summer hockey program would be over, and he’d be leaving. We hadn’t talked about that particular elephant in the room. Both of us avoided the subject, and I didn’t want to be the first to broach the obvious.
Easton must’ve sensed me staring at him. He rolled over onto his side and propped his head up with an elbow. He reached for a lock of my hair with his free hand and turned it around his finger.
His dark eyes settled on mine. Every time he looked at me like that, my body came alive with an intense, driving need I had very little control over. I expected him to pull me into his arms and begin the initial stages of foreplay, followed by passionate fucking. That had been our normal MO for the past couple months.
This time, he surprised me. He appeared to be in a rare introspective mood. Easton was a doer, not a thinker. He lived by actions, not so much by words, while I was a planner and a worrier.
“Caro, I’m leaving in a week.”
There, he’d finally addressed the elephant.
“I know.”
“I’ve never really known what love is, except for the love of my family, but if I could love somebody, it’d be you.”
My heart soared with joy. Even though his hadn’t been an admission of love, I’d take it as such. I was a teenage girl, and I wore my emotions on my sleeve.
“I feel the same way.” I didn’t know what love was either, and I didn’t have the advantage of experiencing the love of a family like he had. In fact, my mother considered me an inconvenience, and my father barely knew I existed.
“I want us to enjoy this last week together and not worry about the future. I know you. You’re already fretting about it.”
I had to smile, and he smiled back, one of his smiles that made me all gooey and giddy inside. That same smile that made me drop my panties every single time he aimed the full force of it at me. This time wasn’t an exception. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other, and in seconds we were naked and fucking each other into mind-blowing orgasms.
The world ceased to exist outside of the two of us and this star-filled night.
Chapter 10—Not Ready
~~Easton~~
My teammates talked me into going out with them after the game. I wasn’t in the mood to party, but I wasn’t exactly in the mood to sit at home and lick my wounded ego either.
At least we were at a bar with a private back room rather than a loud nightclub. I definitely wasn’t in the mood for clubbing, but a few beers and a pizza wouldn’t be so bad. Beer might dull the ache in my chest at least for a little while, and talking hockey might distract me.
I took a chair at a long table and poured a beer from one of the many pitchers. Teammates drank and laughed around me. Some played pool; others hung in groups with and without their WAGs. Many of us were stag, like me.
Ice tapped Kaden on the shoulder and motioned for him to vacate the chair next to me. “Get your ass out of my chair, rookie.”
Kaden whipped around, ready to rip the asshole a new one. The look on his face was priceless when he realized that asshole was our team captain, the last guy on our team we had any interest in messing with. He scrambled out of his chair, almost tipping it over, and made a hasty retreat.
Ice claimed the recently vacated seat and sucked down water from many of the glasses placed on the table by our conscientious waitress. I’d never seen Ice drink anything with alcohol in it and had heard he was a recovering alcoholic. I didn’t know, and I wasn’t asking.
I avoided his gaze, wishing he’d go away and leave me alone. I didn’t know why he’d taken me on as his personal project. While I was flattered, I preferred flying under the radar right now.
In practice, he always made a point of skating with me, forcing me to go up against the best defenseman in the league. My game was steadily improving, even with tonight’s setback. Playing against Ice either improved a guy or broke him. I was proud to say I hadn’t broken, only become stronger.
“What the fuck happened to you tonight, rook?” Ice demanded, not holding back. He tapped on his glass with a fork for emphasis.
“Bad game. We all have them,” I muttered defensively and slouched down into my chair. I crossed my arms over my chest and glowered stubbornly, refusing to look our fearless leader in the eye.
He was quiet for a long time. Ice wasn’t one to waste words, which was why we listened when he spoke. Regardless, his silence disconcerted me. I chanced a glance his direction. He was rubbing his chin and studying me thoughtfully.
“Yeah, well, I guess you were due for an off night,” he conceded, much to my surprise. He waved his hand at the waitress. “Can I get a Coke, a chicken Caesar, and a T-bone, medium-rare? Oh, and add shrimp and a baked potato, everything on it. The rookie here is paying tonight. Put it on his bill.” He pointed at me with a rare twinkle in his eyes.
The waitress nodded and cast a sultry smile in my direction. I ignored her and hunkered down in my chair. I wasn’t in the mood for flirting.
“Hey, guys, did you hear that?” Cedric shouted gleefully, getting everyone’s attention. “Big E, here, is treating us tonight. Eat up and enjoy!”
Cheers went around the table. I sighed. I’d known my time was coming. Kaden and Steele had already covered a couple bills. My turn. Next year we’d have our shot at torturing the next group of rookies.
Cedric and Rush raised their hands to get the waitress’s attention and ordered steak and the best Scotch in the house. I rolled my eyes, even as I was resigned to my fate.
When I turned my attention back to Ice, he was scrutinizing me with one of his patented intense expressions.
“How’s Avery doing? I notice she’s not here tonight,” I asked, hoping to shift the subject away from my bad night. Ice’s wife was a horse trainer and a really nice, down-to-earth person. She was also my cousin Coop’s sister-in-law. He was married to her sister.
Ice looked around and lowered his voice. “Can you keep a secret?”
“Yes.” I hid my astonishment that he was confiding in a lowly rookie.
“She’s pregnant. Only a few people know. We’re not ready to announce it yet. Anyway, she isn’t feeling too good tonight.”
“Wow, dude, that’s cool. The baby on the way, that is.” I hoped he didn’t notice the odd tone in my voice. Seven years ago, I would’ve been the one announcing to my teammates that I was having twins. I frowned, unable to visualize how such an announcement would go down among my teenage hockey-playing cohorts. They’d have either congratulated me or told me to pray for my sanity while kissing any chance at an NHL career goodbye.
Maybe things had worked out for the best in the long run. The odds would’ve been stacked against me when it came to having a successful professional hockey career while supporting twins and a wife. Hell, I’d had two years left in high school. Most likely, I would’ve bee
n forced to quit hockey, and possibly high school, and gone to work at the local grocery store or something, and our marriage would’ve failed within the year if I’d married Caro.
Ice beamed at me, and he rarely beamed at anyone. “Yeah. Our first. Pretty damn excited about it.”
“I can imagine.” He had no idea. “Congratulations, man.”
“Thanks. Being a dad is probably going to be the toughest and most rewarding thing I’ve ever done.”
“Yeah, I’m sure it is.” I wasn’t being patronizing. I believed what he was saying based on my short experience being a father.
He winked at me. “Later.” Ice stood and walked over to Cedric and Rush, leaving me alone with my own thoughts regarding parenthood.
I was a father.
I had to behave like one and set a good example. I had two little lives depending on me. Looking up to me. Maybe even idolizing me. A thrilling yet scary thought. I’d idolized my firefighter father. He’d walked on water and was invincible in my eyes until that fateful night when he’d gone into a burning apartment building to rescue a baby. He’d handed the baby out the window to a waiting firefighter just before the roof caved in on him. He’d died a hero, but he’d left a heartbroken mother and three children behind. God willing, I’d always be there for my kids.
What kind of father would I be compared to mine? I’d been ten when he’d died. He’d played junior hockey but never been good enough for the big leagues. My mom had played college hockey, so my brothers and I came by our talent naturally. I recall my dad being gone a lot, but he’d devoted time to us whenever he was home. Juggling firefighting and fatherhood had to be a challenge, just like juggling hockey and fatherhood.
Losing my father at ten had made a lasting impression on me, probably in more ways than I realized. Kids had a tendency to blame themselves no matter how crazy that might be. For a long time, I wondered if there was something I could’ve done to make him stay home that day. He’d covered a shift for another guy. He wasn’t supposed to be working. I’d learned early in life the mortality of those you loved, and I’d avoided close relationships from that point on other than my family. Yeah, I’d had the same college girlfriend for three years, but we’d stayed together out of convenience, not necessarily a deep, burning need for each other. I’d needed Caro way more, despite our short time together.
My mom had never remarried, never been interested in another relationship. She often declared that my father had been the love of her life. She’d been lucky enough to find a good man once, and she wasn’t messing with her perfect record.
What effects would losing Mark have on my kids long term? Did they feel guilt like I did and blame themselves or even their mother? Was there anything Caro and I could do to help them through it? I truly had no fucking idea. I was ill-equipped for fatherhood.
I scanned the crowd and found Brick. He’d found out a few years ago he was a father to a little girl. Brick had been the ultimate party boy until Macy appeared on his doorstop—literally. She was a figure skater too. He doted on her and was constantly showing anyone he cornered countless pictures of her.
I wondered if picking his brain would make him suspicious, or maybe I should tell him the truth? I didn’t plan on keeping my fatherhood a secret, but I hadn’t figured out when or how to tell the rest of my teammates, friends, and family.
Shoving my chair away from the table, I walked over to where Brick sat with several of the veterans. I wedged a chair between him and Matt LaRue, who was also a dad to two boys. Maybe they’d both impart some advice to a new father.
They shot daggers at me. I was a rookie, after all, pushing my way into their conversation. Not normal or accepted rookie behavior, but I’d never been a rule follower or even cared about shit like that.
“What the fuck, rookie?” Brick growled, while Matt said nothing but cocked his head to indicate interest.
“Sorry, but I need some advice.” I lowered my voice so only they could hear, though I did notice team gossip Ziggy leaning across the table to eavesdrop. If you wanted anything spread to every member of the team, he was your go-to guy. He loved to be in on everything and the guy in the know.
I glowered at him with a silent mind-your-own-business warning, and he smirked at me. Ziggy wasn’t easily intimidated, but that held true of just about everyone on the team, or we wouldn’t be professional hockey players.
“Advice? Take off your skate guards before getting on the ice,” Brick said and elbowed Matt.
“Don’t put your helmet on backward,” Matt laughed. The two of them fist-bumped as if they were fucking comedians. I rolled my eyes.
“Fuck you both. Funny. Really funny. I don’t need hockey advice.”
“You sure as fuck needed it tonight,” Brick pointed out, and I cringed. The goalie didn’t seem to care he’d dealt a near knockout blow. Hockey players were harsh like that. Either develop a thick skin or get out of the game.
I shot him a glare before continuing. “I need dad advice.”
Their smirks slid off their faces in record time, and they gaped at me in open-mouthed disbelief. I’d delivered the ultimate sucker punch. They hadn’t seen that coming.
“Dad advice?” Matt recovered first, shaking his head as if to clear it.
“What kind of dad advice?” Brick choked on the word.
“I found out a few days ago I’m a father to six-year-old twins.”
Brick jerked back in his seat like he’d been slapped. Matt furrowed his brow and continued to stare at me with confusion. I glanced at Ziggy, who was all ears, his eyes as wide as pucks. Great. Within an hour, the team crier would notify the entire team. I ignored him. I didn’t have any other choice.
I dived into the story, telling them what I knew. Brick and Matt listened intently, along with Ziggy and our backup goalie, Jacques, a.k.a. Jock, who’d joined the conversation. Jock had five kids, so he knew a little something about parenting too.
After I finished, the table was silent as my teammates digested the information I’d given them.
“Part of me is unreasonably angry at the mother for the time I missed with my kids.”
Brick nodded sympathetically. His own daughter had been dumped on his doorstep at five years old. He’d had no prior knowledge of her. “I understand that. I was angry as fuck regarding the time I’d missed, too, but you have to let it go. That anger will eat you up inside, and in your case, she didn’t know. You need to believe what she told you.”
“Forgive and move on. The kids need both of you to present a united front for their sakes. It’s all about the kids now, not about your hurt feelings or time lost. Concentrate on making up that time and being the best father you can be,” Matt added.
“Make sure everything you do is for the betterment of your kids. Selfishness has zero place in a father’s heart,” added Jock.
“She doesn’t want them to know I’m their father yet.”
“I can’t blame her,” Ice spoke up from behind me. “She’s gun-shy, and she’s going to protect her kids. You can’t be mad about that.”
Oh, but I was. I was mad at her for so very many things, unreasonably so. I had to get beyond it, but I hadn’t reached that point yet.
“We should give Big E a baby shower.” Rush sat down across the table. The asshole grinned at me. “We can play party games and watch him open gifts.”
The jerks hooted with laughter.
“They better be drinking games,” Ziggy added and more hilarity ensued. These guys were idiots.
“I’ll give him a box of condoms,” Rush said.
“It’s a little late for the condoms.” Ice snorted and took a chug of his Coke. I was grateful Ice didn’t drink. He was enough of a demanding dickhead stone-cold sober.
“Do they have strippers at baby showers?” Kaden waggled his brows and leered at no one in particular.
“She can jump out of a cake in nothing but a diaper,” Ziggy said.
“I’m in.” Caveman fist-bumped Ziggy, an
d they both grinned at me.
Who invited all these assholes into my private conversation?
“All right, ladies, dinner’s being served!” Cedric interrupted the clowns planning my imaginary shower. The guys scrambled for seats but not before almost every one of them slapped me on the back and congratulated me.
“Dude, I don’t think we’re getting that stripper,” Ziggy said sadly.
“No, buddy, I don’t think we are.” I sighed and dug into my steak. I might as well join ’em, but I wasn’t going to be able to beat ’em or even get a word in.
~~Caroline~~
Easton didn’t waste any time. Once I’d agreed to his plan to move us to Seattle, things happened at an overwhelming speed. By now it was mid-November, and the holidays were looming on the horizon. I wanted to get the kids moved and settled into a new school as quickly as possible to lessen any strain on them.
I was officially overwhelmed. No amount of list making and worrying would organize this colossal life change.
Easton left on a road trip on Tuesday and returned the following Wednesday morning, which happened to be today, one week before Thanksgiving. I was pretty sure he’d want to meet the kids immediately, and I wasn’t prepared for that inevitable step just yet.
He’d been true to his word. His attorney contacted me about a temporary parenting plan. The movers had packed up our stuff and moved it to Seattle to be put into storage until we moved into our new home. We’d flown to Seattle over the weekend and were housed in a very nice suite in a hotel near where we’d be living, which I’d yet to see.
I enrolled the kids in school immediately, and on Monday they attended their first day of class. I didn’t worry much about Hailey. She was an excellent student, inquisitive and bright. She loved school. Heath, on the other hand, considered going to school a necessary evil and lived for the final bell every day so he could play hockey.
Juniper was with us every step of the way, and I appreciated her more than words would ever say. She’d already found a job at a car dealership processing paperwork. She liked it so far. Benefits were good, and the pay was okay. Neither of us had realized how high the cost of living was in Seattle, though, and a good wage where we’d lived was, in Seattle, closer to living at poverty level.
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