by Selena Kitt
“I didn’t say that.” Mike sat back in his chair, crossing his enormous arms. “What I said was you couldn’t necessarily trust your feelings when you were high.”
Bastard. With his damned logic. I hated how he was always right. It was a great trait in most doctors. If I was going to get a heart transplant, I’d want my doctor to always be right. But it was a really annoying trait in a psychiatrist. Why couldn’t he just give me some pills and shut the hell up?
“You’ll have to see what happens now, Katie,” Mike said, not unkindly. “You’re clean, Tyler’s clean. Now that neither of you are using anymore, you’ll both have a lot of catching up to do.”
Would we?
I doubted it.
Everyone had come to see me except Tyler, and everyone who knew him, who had talked to him, said he missed me. But were they saying it just to make me feel better? I just didn’t know. Sabrina reassured me that Ty asked about me, but she was getting her information second hand from Rob. And Rob wasn’t out in California anymore, so how much did he really know? Rob was living in Detroit while Sabrina finished teaching for the year. They were still getting their happily ever after on together. She was very much pregnant, Rob was over the moon about it, and they were planning on getting married as soon as Rob wasn’t anymore.
But Tyler hadn’t even called me. Not once.
Okay, so maybe I’d told both Rob and Sabrina I couldn’t talk to him. Not yet. Not until I was out of this place. But still… I guess a part of me had wanted him to break down walls to get to me. Yeah, Rob told me he’d had to practically restrain him to keep Tyler from flying to Michigan as soon as he knew I was gone, and I wanted to believe him. But another part of me knew better.
Sabrina and Rob might be making long term plans, but they were the exception to the rule. Tyler wasn’t going to be tied down to some Midwestern girl with a dental technician degree. I saw a supermodel in his future, or maybe a Playboy bunny. Someone sexy, fun, and Hollywood. Besides, I knew I wasn’t the first. They’d all tried to keep me in the dark, but it had come up more than once that Tyler Cook was known for bringing girls on tour. I was just one of many. Part of a cycle. Lather, rinse, repeat.
“When do you leave?” Mike asked.
“An hour.” I glanced at the clock on his desk, turned so we could both see it, realizing that my last hour with him was almost up.
“I know we talked about it, but you’ve got a plan in place?”
“Yes, my babysitter is picking me up and I’ve got a list of local meetings.”
Rob had once again arranged everything. I couldn’t afford to keep my apartment anymore, not without a job, so I would be staying at Sabrina’s and watching her house while she was on tour with Trouble in Europe. Sarah would be coming to stay with me for a while. That had been Rob, too. When you had more money than God, you could apparently arrange everything to your satisfaction.
“I want to wish you the best of luck, Katie.” Mike stood, holding out his huge hand, signaling an end to our session.
“I’m gonna need it,” I muttered, standing to shake his hand. It swallowed mine.
“No, you won’t.” He flashed a bright smile. “Just keep taking it—”
“One day at a time,” I finished with him, rolling my eyes and picking up my duffel bag, but we were both smiling.
I’d made one or two friends in rehab, but we’d already said goodbye. They had a small going-away party for me, with little paper hats and a cake and everything. I’d been in a month and a half, where most people could only afford a week or two, three at the most. I was on Rob’s dime though. That made all the difference.
Sarah was waiting for me out front, sitting in the idling car. She’d been in to see me, too, a couple of times. Her Pollyannaishness was a lot easier to tolerate when I was sober and not jonesin’ for a fix. She honked and waved, and I waved back. I was actually kind of glad to see her. Glad to not be going back alone. I wasn’t exactly sure what I was going to do with myself, but Mike told me I should try to keep busy. Of course, a meeting a day would help with that, but I also needed to find a job.
“Glad to be out?” Sarah asked as I got into the car and tossed my duffel in the back.
“Does Dolly Parton sleep on her back?”
She laughed.
We chit-chatted on the way home. Rob and Sabrina had left already. They were flying down to Florida, so Rob could meet her parents—damn, it really was serious, wasn’t it? —and then he was surprising her with a trip to Aruba before the tour.
“She’s always wanted to go to Aruba,” I told Sarah.
“That’s what Rob said.”
Seemed like Rob was intent on making all of Sabrina’s dreams come true. He’d turned out to be a real prince charming, a true knight in shining armor. And where did that leave me? I was the best friend sidekick, the wild and crazy one who couldn’t hold down a job or keep a boyfriend, who had a knack for getting into trouble wherever she went and needed to be rescued by her best friend’s prince charming. Because I didn’t have my own knight in shining armor. Hell, I would’ve settled for a knight in rusty armor at this point.
Although, if I was being honest with myself, that wasn’t true either.
Tyler was no knight in shining armor. He was my bad boy, my dark, broken, tortured other half. Sabrina could keep her white knight. I wanted my dark one. I wanted to roll around in the mud with him and get dirty and scream and yell and laugh and fuck. I was never one for lofty aspirations. Sabrina always felt sorry for me because I picked Tyler, thinking I was settling for second best, but that wasn’t true. I’d picked him because he was like me, because he was the best—for me.
We were both black sheep—and we liked it that way.
Which made us very, very dangerous for each other.
I knew what Mike had been trying to tell me, during our last session. It’s why I’d told Rob to keep Tyler at bay. To force him into rehab instead of letting him come after me. I was bad for him and I knew it. What Tyler really needed was a girl like Sabrina. Or maybe Sarah, I thought, glancing over at her as she turned down Sabrina’s street. A good girl. One that could bring him into the light instead of getting dirty rolling around with him in the mud.
But that didn’t make me miss or love him any less.
“Sabrina said she left some groceries at the house,” Sarah said. “But I thought we’d go out to eat tonight to celebrate you coming home.”
“That’s fine.” I tried to brighten my smile and sound more enthusiastic when she looked my way. “Sounds really good.”
It kind of did, actually. Institutional food was terrible. I was sick of canned green beans and Salisbury steak.
“I know Rob told you, but we had your clothes and some of your stuff brought over here to Sabrina’s,” Sarah said. “The furniture and appliances we put into storage… who’s that?”
“Who’s what?” I’d been watching the houses go by, just drifting, but now I turned my head in the direction Sarah was pointing.
“There’s a car parked out front.” Sarah pointed again, and I squinted. “I’m not expecting anyone. Are you? Maybe Sabrina—”
“It’s Tyler.” The words barely escaped my mouth because my heart was in my throat.
He was leaning against the side of a car I didn’t recognize, standing out there in the spring sunshine, hands in his pockets, one Ked crossed over the other, wearing just jeans and a t-shirt.
“Shit,” Sarah said under her breath.
“What?” I looked over at her.
“I just… I wasn’t expecting him.” She pulled the car into the driveway behind his, cutting the engine.
“Neither was I.” For a minute I couldn’t move. Nothing happened in my body. Like I’d grown numb, cold.
Then he looked up, and our eyes met, and things started going off inside me like fireworks. Tyler. My Tyler, standing there waiting for me. He hadn’t called—he’d flown hundreds of miles to wait at my house the day he knew I was getting out of re
hab when he should have been on his way to Europe for the overseas leg of the Trouble tour.
“You don’t have to see him.” Sarah looked over at me. “It’s your choice. Do what’s best for your recovery, Katie.”
I nodded, pursing my lips, seeing the apology in his eyes, knowing already how this would play out. I would run straight into his arms, he would ask me to go on tour with them, and of course I would say yes. And it would start all over again—another trip down the rabbit hole. I tried to hold onto my memory of him naked in bed with three girls. I tried to hold onto the abject terror I’d experienced when he started choking on his own vomit. He would have been dead if I hadn’t been there.
So, go with him. Follow him. Take care of him.
Oh, that addict logic.
I heard Mike’s logic in my head.
“That’s not love, Katie, that’s codependence.”
“Katie...” Sarah touched my arm as I reached over to push open the car door.
“It’s okay.” I took a deep breath, meeting her eyes and trying to smile. “I’m okay.”
“You both need time to get well.” She tried anyway, and I applauded her for it. I knew she was right. More logic. “Give yourselves time.”
“I know.”
Of course, I knew. It had been drummed into my head over and over in rehab. I’d made so many good plans in my head. I’d been smart and strong and had said and done all the right things so far. I knew being with Tyler was a bad idea, no matter how much I cared about him. I knew it was wrong for me, and mostly, it was wrong for him.
“Katie.” He said my name as I approached, almost a plea, but he didn’t reach for me. I wanted him to. I wanted to throw my arms around him. But I didn’t. “How are you?”
“Good.” Now we were both standing there with our hands in our pockets.
“Hey Ty,” Sarah called. He glanced up and smiled as she approached, slipping an arm around her waist and kissing her on the mouth in greeting. It was just a little peck—clearly, they knew each other, which didn’t surprise me, given her profession as an addiction specialist and Tyler’s proclivities, but the jealousy that burned through me at the gesture nearly knocked me over. “Why don’t you come in for some coffee?”
“Sure.” He was talking to her but looking at me. “Just give us a minute?”
“Don’t be too long.” Sarah glanced back when she got to the porch, as she used Sabrina’s key to open up the house. I didn’t blame her for her concern. It was more than warranted.
“You look so good.” Tyler was eating me up with his eyes. “Katie… I’m so fucking sorry.”
“Me too.” It was hard to meet his eyes, mostly because looking at him made me want to cry, while at the same time, it made me want to throw my arms around him and kiss him. Neither of which were good ideas. I had to stay strong. But I couldn’t keep the snark out of it, because while rehab had given me a lot of insight, it couldn’t completely change me. “So, that’s step four done. Check.”
“That’s my Katie,” Ty laughed. It was so good to hear him laugh. “God, I missed you.”
“Me too.” I blinked at him, wondering how in the hell I was supposed to do this. Being with him brought it all back, every moment, the good and the bad. They were twined together, inseparable, like we had been. Now we were here, only a few feet apart, but it might as well have been the Grand Canyon. “So, you and Sarah, you know each other?”
“Yeah.” He nodded, glancing toward the house. Then he met my eyes, smiling. “Jealous?”
“No.” I lied.
“Liar.” His smile spread into a grin and I didn’t have the strength to resist when he reached for me, hooking his thumbs in the belt loops of my jeans, pulling me close. “You don’t have anything to be jealous of, Katie. You’re all I can think about. Why do you think I’m here?”
“I’m afraid to ask.” I swallowed, lifting my face to his, just as warm as the spring sunshine. Being so near to him made me tremble.
“Don’t be afraid of me.” He gave me a pained look.
“I’m not afraid of you—I’m afraid for you,” I said as honestly as I could manage. I felt my lip quiver with my words, those tears I was trying so hard to hold back on the verge of spilling over.
“So, come with me.” His arms went fully around me, and he whispered his words into my hair. “I need you. I can’t do this without you.”
“Yes, you can,” I whispered back, but my arms went around him too and I pressed my cheek to his chest.
“But I don’t want to.” He kissed the top of my head and I closed my eyes, feeling tears hot on my cheeks. I didn’t want to either. I loved him. I wanted him. More than anything.
“Tyler...” I choked, but I couldn’t say anything else. My throat was closing up.
“Please, Katie,” he whispered in my ear, kissing my cheek, now wet with tears. “Come with me.”
“Where?” I asked, shaking my head. As if we could run from it, as if we could escape together into oblivion. That would just bring us full circle, back to trouble.
“Everywhere.” He cupped my face in his hands, wiping my tears with his thumbs, searching my face with his eyes. “God, girl, don’t you know how much I love you?”
“I love you too,” I whispered.
“Is that a yes?” Tyler asked, and before I knew what he was doing, he had reached into his jacket pocket to pull out a little blue, velvet box. Tiffany’s. “Say yes.”
“That better not be… what… I think it is...” But it was. It was. He opened the box to reveal the most beautiful ring I’d ever seen, white gold or platinum, with a stone in the center so big it was blinding in the sunshine. “Tyler!”
“I told you I’d get you a better one.” He grinned. “Are you going to make me get down on one knee and everything?”
“No.” My hands shook as I took the box, staring at the contents inside. This wasn’t happening. I was dreaming. That was the only possible explanation. And it was turning into a goddamned nightmare. “Tyler… no.”
“No…?” He cocked his head at me, puzzled. “What do you mean—no?”
“I can’t.” I gritted my teeth as I closed the velvet box, cupping it in my palm and passing it back to him. “We can’t.”
“This isn’t funny, Katie.” Tyler blinked at me in utter shock.
I wanted to wake up now. I had to wake up.
“I’m not joking.” I swallowed, holding his hand in mine, the ring trapped between us. “I made the mistake of saying yes to the wrong man once before...”
“
Right.” His jaw hardened, so much pain in his eyes it broke my heart. “You don’t want to make the same mistake twice. I get it.”
“No, Ty.” I pressed myself against him, to keep him from turning away, from going. “You didn’t let me finish. I made the mistake of saying yes to the wrong man, and now I have to say no to the right one.”
“You’re not making any sense.” He frowned, but he was listening.
“Yes I am. You know I am,” I countered. The words came hard. “This is right—you and me. Us. I know it’s right. I feel it.”
“So why…?” He puzzled, shaking his head in disbelief.
“Because you need to heal. And so do I.” I hated admitting that. I hated admitting having any weaknesses at all, but if I didn’t, I knew where we’d end up. “If I say yes right now, we’ll dig ourselves into the same hole. And as much as I love you, I don’t want to end up there again.”
“You mean when you decided to tell Rob about my heroin addiction?”
There it was. I knew he would be angry with me. I knew it. But what else could I have done? Was I supposed to just let it go on? Was I supposed to keep that deadly secret until one of us was lost forever?
“Our addiction.” I reminded him of this softly. “I was in it too.”
He looked at me, still doubtful, hurt. I needed to make him understand, to really get it. I couldn’t keep the tears from coming anymore. My memory of him, the last t
ime I’d seen him, filled my vision, blurred and prismed it.
“Tyler, you would have died,” I cried. “You almost choked to death on your own vomit.”
“Not my proudest moment.” He looked down at the driveway, avoiding my eyes. “Fuck.”
“We were both pretty far gone.” I shrugged.
“But I’m back now.”
“I know. But how many times have you been down this road?” I caught his eye, making him look at me. “How many times have you gotten clean, only to relapse?”
“You don’t want to know.” He sighed, looking away again.
“I want this. I want you.” I turned his face back to me, meeting his eyes. “But I can’t say yes yet. Not yet.”
“Yet.” He repeated the word, like he was still trying to make himself believe it. “Katie, I want you to be mine.”
“I am yours.” I put my arms around his neck. “Ty, that never changed.”
“But I want you to come with me.” He gave in a little, putting his arms around me too. “Be with me.”
“I want it too, but I can’t, Ty.” I pressed my cheek against his chest, feeling his heart beating hard, something I never thought I’d hear again, so close. “Part of this whole grown up thing is knowing when.”
“When what?”
“When it’s right,” I said. “And when it isn’t.”
“And it isn’t?”
“You know it isn’t.” I lifted my face to search his with my gaze. I knew he knew it. I saw it in his eyes, even as much as we both wanted it to be different. “You need time. And so do I.”
“Okay.” He sighed, putting that beautiful little blue velvet box back into his jacket pocket.
“Okay?” I let out a pent-up breath.
“Yeah, okay,” he agreed, pulling me close and kissing my forehead. “If you need me to wait, I’ll wait. You’re more than worth it.”
“Really?” I blinked up at him, so surprised I actually felt a little faint. “You mean it?”
“Yeah, really. I can wait. I’m not the one who opens all my Christmas presents early, remember?” He grinned, cocking his head at me. “What, you thought I was going to just bail?”
