by Nyrae Dawn
He put the ball in my court, but I’ve been afraid to do anything with it. Admitting it makes it more real. And Dad will freak out and Alec will be worse. It’s stupid, but I can’t help how I feel.
Around six, one evening in early July, a truck pulls up, packed with people from school. They're all people Nate and Brandon have met before. Guys from Alec’s football team and girls I pretend to know how to relate to.
Matt, stands up in the back of the truck and yells, “Where’s Alec? We wanna a plaaaaaay baaaaaall!”
“Douchebag. That’s baseball,” Nate mumbles to me. I practically hear Alec perk up from where he’s standing about fifty feet away from us. His football sensor is going off.
“We’re in! Let me hit up Brandon!” Alec jerks out his phone and starts sending a text.
“God forbid two football obsessed guys play a game without each other.”
Nate doesn’t reply, so I look over at him to see he’s staring at me. One of his eyebrows goes up and he has a mischievous look on his face.
“What?” I ask.
“We’re playing.”
“Yes, sir?” I tease and he rolls his eyes.
“Don’t act like that. I know you wanna play. Plus, it gives me an excuse to be able to tackle you.”
My neck heats. I still can’t make myself stop blushing with him. “We play flag football.”
“That’s good, because I might freak out a little if someone else tackled you, but on the other hand, oops. My bad. I didn’t mean for you to end up under me like this, Star Girl.”
More heat. And excitement.
“What if we’re on the same team?” I ask, trying to be flirty with him and not sure if I’m pulling it off or not.
Nate shrugs. “We will be. Did I ever tell you I have a problem with accidentally tackling my own team?”
I smirk, thinking there might not be anything in the world a good as being on the same football team with Nate.
I’m not a violent person, but I really, really want to kill Danielle. Logic doesn’t matter. Who cares that she doesn’t know I’m with Nate. Am I really with Nate? He leaves in August and he has a life several states away. I try to have one here. It’s not like I expect a seventeen-year-old guy to try to have a long distance relationship, but for now, yes, we’re together. And if she doesn’t stop trying to stand by him in every huddle and talk to him every two seconds, I’m likely to lose it for the first time in my life.
I’m not jealous. I’m not jealous. I’m not jealous.
“Nate, over here! I’m open!” Danielle calls. Never mind that she really is open, I hate that he throws her the football.
I’m totally jealous.
Danielle drops the ball and I almost cheer. What is wrong with me? She’s on my team. I shouldn’t be cheering when she misses the ball.
“What’s wrong?” Nate asks a few minutes later when we take our places, ready for the other team to come at us.
“Nothing.”
When I try to keep walking, he grabs my waist. Nerves push at my jealousy and I step back, not wanting to have to deal with Alec finding out Nate and I are whatever we are.
“Whatever,” Nate replies. I can’t blame him for not pushing. For turning and walking away because not only has he done nothing wrong, but I’m the one who stepped away from him. Who lied to him. That doesn’t stop it from hurting.
The game keeps going. I’m dirty and sweaty. The game is tied and Nate hasn’t tried to talk to me anymore.
I can’t stop thinking that he tried to touch me and I stepped away. My head isn’t in the game and even though we manage to stop them, I’m not sure how.
Our ball.
We get into our huddle, like we ever really do what we say we’re going to do anyway. I run up the field, dodging Alec. He’s strong, and fast, but I’m hoping to keep myself ahead of him.
“Charlie!” someone yells and when they do, I turn to see the ball flying in the air at me. It’s over thrown a little so I’m still running, trying to grab it, and before I even have the chance to reach for the ball, I hit the ground.
Hard.
“Shit! I’m sorry, Charlie. I couldn’t stop.” Matt’s tangled in me and even though there’s a little bit of pain in my back from hitting the ground, I’m okay.
Slowly, I try to stand as Matt does the same. “It’s cool. No—”
‘Worries’ doesn’t have time to come out of my mouth before Nate’s yelling, “What the fuck, man!”
And then Matt stumbles back as Nate pushes him.
“Dude, it was an accident!” Matt yells back.
By then I’m to my feet. Brandon gets to Nate before me and grabs his arm. “Chill out, bro.”
“Did you see how hard he hit her?” Looking back at Matt, he shouts, “You need to watch what the hell you’re doing.”
Nate turns to me, right as I step up to him. “It’s cool. I’m good.” Maybe this makes me sound like a bitch, but it feels good to have him stick up for me. That he cares that much, but I also don’t want him and Matt fighting.
I wonder why I won’t risk Dad or Alec’s wrath so everyone would know that, for now, he’s with me.
“I’m good.” Then I push up on my toes and press my lips to his. It’s a quick kiss, but that’s all we need. Danielle gasps, Brandon laughs and…nothing at all comes from Alec. It doesn’t matter. None of it. Nothing but Nate and me.
“Oh, I got you.” Matt says with a laugh.
Nate shrugs. “Sorry, man.” We all start moving again.
“Our ball,” I say to everyone else, and then to Nate, “Let’s do that play again. This time, you and me. I won’t get hit again.”
The look he gives me makes my heart stutter. It's something like…awe. But then, what reason would he have to look at me like that?
“Let’s do it.”
When I look over, Brandon’s hand is on the back of Alec’s neck and as they walk back to their side of the field, he kind of shakes him, like boys do trying to pump each other up or whatever. If they’re talking about Nate and me, I don’t care. If they’re making a plan to defend me, they’re not going to have a chance.
A few minutes later, I’m running down the field again. Nate’s arm goes back and he throws the ball at me, and it’s perfect. It falls right into my arms as I pass everyone to make a touchdown. And, somehow, Nate is right behind me. He grabs me and lifts me up. We don’t kiss again, but we don’t have to. We don’t win the game either, but it doesn’t matter. Right now, I feel like I’ve won the world.
“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me!” Danielle says. “I mean…I wondered for a little while last year, but then nothing happened and you never said anything. Why the hell didn’t you stake your claim on that boy? He’s hot. Oh, wait…didn’t you date Lance last year?”
I glance at Danielle. I don’t even know how to reply to all of that. “This is…new.” Though it’s not really. We’ve been dancing around it since the first summer. Nate feels as much a part of my life as breathing. “Kind of new this year. He’s only here for the summers though.”
“Awww! So have you guys have, like, this secret love affair every summer? Only one more year left until you finish school, though. Then you can go to college together and live happily ever after!”
Her enthusiasm is freaking me out a little bit, not to mention the pain that her “happily ever after” vision conjures up inside me.
“Poor Alec… I’ve always thought he was secretly in love with you.”
I throw a glance over my shoulder to see all the guys are still standing in the middle of the field.
“Alec’s not in love with me.” I don’t think. Could he be? Could Alec really be in love with me instead of it being about The Village and our friendship? No, it’s been too much time. He would have told me.
“Heads up!” Nate yells. The football that Brandon brings every year comes flying at me and I catch it before tossing it into the truck. I think I hear Danielle say, “swoon” before walking b
ack to everyone.
“I’m totally going to kiss you right now. Watching you play football gets me hot.” Nate says into my neck and I can’t help but laugh. He feels good. No, incredible, like he always does.
It’s 8:30 when we get back to The Village. Alec’s mom had been the one to tell Dad they could handle things for a while if we went to play football and now she’s sitting on the back deck with him and Alec’s dad.
“I should probably go over there,” I tell Nate, who gives me a nod.
“I should probably check in with my parents and see what’s going on.”
We nod like we both aren’t sure how to act. It’s one thing to show affection in front of our friends, but Dad is a whole different story. Nate works for him. They’re renting a cabin from him. I don’t think Dad would make them leave, but what if he did?
“See you tonight, Star Girl.” Nate winks before jogging over and playfully shoving his brother. They screw around back and forth while they’re walking to their cabin. I can’t stop myself from watching them until the door closes.
“Can we talk?” Alec asks and I jump, unable to believe I forget he was standing so close.
“Sure.” I shrug.
“We’re going to go for a walk!” he calls to our parents, who just nod and smile without a second thought.
“I don’t want you to get hurt,” is the first thing out of Alec’s mouth when we hit the beach. He automatically walks the opposite direction as I go with Nathaniel and as ridiculous as it is, I’m glad.
“Nothing’s changed. You can’t tell me you didn’t know something was going on. Seeing it doesn’t—”
“Seeing it does make it more real and you know it, Charlie Rae. If you didn’t really care about him, we either would have been seeing it all along, or we never would have at all. Don’t pretend like I don’t know you.”
My eyes close for a second before, resigned, I force them to open again. “Of course you know me. We’ve been friends our whole lives. So…maybe you should trust me.”
Alec stops walking. “What is that supposed to mean? You know I trust you.”
“Do you?”
“Yeah. I don’t trust him not to hurt you. I mean…what do you think will happen? Or what are you planning on happening? Do you not want The Village anymore?”
I never did! Not like you. Not like Dad. Not that I have a choice. Those sentences scream in my brain but I don’t let any of them out. I trap them there because all they will do is cause pain.
“Nothing’s changed, Alec. I know that. I would never leave Dad. You know me better than that. Nate and I both know whatever is going on will be over with the summer.”
Understanding, which I didn’t expect, sparks in his eyes. “I know… I hear ya. You know I love you, right? I would do anything for you. I just…don’t want you to get hurt.”
“I know.” There has never been a doubt in my mind about that. Alec has always tried to take care of me. We’ve looked after and been there for each other. Even when we fight, I know it won’t last long, because we just don’t work that way.
Alec was the first person I ever told how I felt about my sister. The first person to get it, and tell me that I mattered. He beat up boys who called me names, and taught me how to climb trees and play ball. We will always be a part of each other’s lives.
“I’ll be okay, Alec. Just trust me. I can’t get hurt when I know what I’m getting into.”
But really, I have no idea.
“Have you made any plans for college?” I ask Nate as we lay on the blanket, the water not far from us. Rolling over to look at him, I wince, a little pain stabbing into my back.
“Your back still hurt?”
“Yeah, it wasn’t that bad after Matt’s hit, but then I think I lifted wrong today.”
He frowns, but then his demeanor changes when he says, “Take off your shirt.”
“Excuse me?” That totally came out of nowhere. Yes, I went skinny dipping with him last year and we’ve had some pretty heavy make out sessions this summer, but I still didn’t expect that.
“I’ll massage your back,” he tells me.
“You don’t have to do that.”
“Believe me. I’m doing it for totally selfish reasons. I’ll take mine off, too, if you want.”
I roll my eyes. “You have your shirt off half the time anyway.” He goes shirtless a whole lot more this year than he did last. I like it. But before he has the chance to do anything, I hold my breath and pull my shirt over my head. Nate’s eyes go wide and I try to remind myself that I have a bra on this time.
“They’re bigger,” I blurt out and then almost die. Covering my face with my hands I say, “Oh my God! I can’t believe I just said that.”
“I can’t believe you think I didn’t notice.” Nate laughs before pulling my hands away. “We’re going to be in some serious trouble here if you don’t lay on your stomach.”
“Boys.” Playfully, I roll my eyes before lying down. Nate straddles my butt and I’m really hoping it doesn’t feel too cushiony.
“Can I undo this?” His fingers touch my back, under the strap.
The first time I try to speak, nothing comes out. The second time I manage to squeak out a, “Yes.”
He does, and then his hands start kneading the tender muscles in my shoulders…down, down to my lower back before he goes up again.
“So…college. Do we really want to talk about that?”
Is it just me or does his voice sound a little rougher than it did a minute ago?
“Why not? It’s an important part of your life.”
“Yours, too. Don’t make it sound like that. Just because you might go to community college locally doesn’t mean you’re not going to school.”
I nod because he’s right.
Nate continues, “I haven’t made specific plans. I still have my whole senior year. But there are a couple places I’m considering. You know I wanna study architecture, right?” His hands keep moving, keep massaging as he talks.
“Of course I know. You told me that your first summer here. I’m not surprised you didn’t change your mind—”
“—You remember that?” he cuts me off.
I wonder if it makes me sound pathetic to be honest, but I do it anyway. “I remember everything.”
“Shit…” Nate curses, making me wonder what’s wrong. “Will you roll over?” he asks, pushing up onto his knees so there is more room. There’s only about two seconds of hesitation before I do as asked.
My bra still covers me, but it’s looser being unstrapped. I expect his eyes to drift down to my boobs, but they don’t. “UCLA. It’s my top choice.”
California. The place he knows I want to go. My heart starts going crazy because I don’t know what that means. If it means anything. Maybe he’s always wanted to go to California. Hell, maybe he has family there. But maybe…maybe he’s saying he wants to go because I do.
“Nate—” His finger against my lips quiets me.
“Shh…Just wanted you to know.” Then the look in his eyes switches and he does what I thought he would do a few minutes ago. His gaze lands on my chest. When our eyes meet again, I see the silent question there. I nod my head and with slow hands, he slides my bra off each arm before tossing it aside.
“Still perfect.”
My heart does all sorts of somersaults and back handsprings that he remembers exactly what he told me last year. And then he starts kissing me. His mouth exploring more than just my lips. I arch toward him and fist my hand in his hair.
I love you, I want to tell him, but something deep inside me thinks he might already know.
“Do you think I’ve changed?” I ask Nate one day as we’re going on a hike. It’s not often that guests ask us to take them, but we have a family of five who wanted to go Indian Rock. Dad named it that himself and took pictures of it before I was even born, hanging them up all over the store. It’s become somewhat of an attraction now, the locals and visitors all wanting to see the
tall rock up on that mountain that looks like a Native American, headdress and all.
Dad usually took any tours we had up to Indian Rock, but, well, that’s one of the things that has changed. He wanted Alec to go with me, but he had something else to do, so Nate was his only choice.
Both of us were a little shocked.
“Changed like how?” he asks. The family is about ten feet behind us, but not paying much attention to what we’re doing. It’s then I realized we talked about how we were different on our hike last year as well.
“I don’t know. Changed. Like in any way. Every year you come back you’re different in one way or another. Last year you were sadder. This year you’re more like you were the first summer, just…”
“Hotter? Sexier? Impossible to resist?” He grins.
“Conceited?”
He feigns shock, but then reaches for my hand. Two of our fingers link like a chain as we keep walking.
“I was going to just say more grown-up, but I’m rethinking that.”
“Oh, so I’m more manly? Basically the same thing as sexier.” He laughs before pulling me to him, wrapping an arm around my shoulders. “I mean, yeah you’ve changed in some ways. You wouldn’t be normal if you didn’t, but there are some things about you that are always the same.”
“Like what?” I ask him.
“Your honesty. The way you say whatever’s on your mind.”
“Only to you.”
“That’s all that matters.” I pinch his side and he pushes my hand away. “I’m kidding. No pinching, woman. You’re adventurous in a different way than any girl I’ve ever met. You’re comfortable playing football or looking through a telescope and telling me about the stars.” He leans closer to me. “You trust me in a way no one in my life has ever done… Even when I didn’t trust myself to make decisions because of Chrissy. You trusted me. Those things are the same about you, but…I guess it’s like you said about me, you’re more grown-up. Sometimes, I don’t really know how to say what I’m trying to, but it’s like you’re this old soul trapped in a seventeen year old’s body. I think you see the world different than anyone I know, Charlotte Rae Gates.”
