by Nyrae Dawn
“I wanted to,” I can’t help but say. “I wanted to hate you, but I couldn’t. Then I was even more pissed at you because you still had this grip on me.”
“You had me too.”
The fist loosens slightly. “So what happened?”
“I started applying places. I was so mad at the world. I felt like I was being rebellious or something. I didn’t tell Dad or Alec or anyone. I wasn’t talking to Alec at all so it was just me and my secrets. It felt like it used to, when no one really knew how I felt. After I met you I always had someone I could tell anything to, but I was on my own again. I applied to LA and a few other places. I don’t know what made my try Vassar… Because it’s close, I guess? Not too far from home, but still somewhere new.”
“You knew you’d go?”
She opens her eyes and looks up at me. “Nope. I thought I’d never get out. I just needed to feel like I was doing something. Maybe I just wanted to pretend. It was after Dad met Nancy that I really started to think about it more, but I still didn’t see how it was possible.”
“You deserve your dreams, Star Girl.” I touch her hair and I know I need to stay away. We have too much history and now it’s bogged down with the last night we spent together, but I can’t stop myself from wanting her.
“I missed that name.”
“What happened next?” I ask, trying to find out everything about her year, but also putting some distance there.
“Dad happened… He just talked to me one day. He told me Alec’s parents were interested in becoming partners of The Village. They love it as much as we do and they’ve spent their lives there. At first I kind of freaked out because it’s ours. It’s our life.”
“And you felt guilty.”
Charlotte nods. “It was so hard, because then he started telling me how all he ever wanted was The Village and how it was his dream…but then he said he knew it wasn’t mine. He didn’t want to force it on me. If he deserved his dream, I deserved mine, right?”
That surprises the hell out of me. I never expected her dad to go there, but I don’t want to sound like an ass by saying it.
“Didn’t expect that one, did you?”
“You said it, not me.” I wink at her.
“He’d already talked to Alec’s parents and Nancy and they all had this plan worked out. He said it was happening regardless and that I deserve to live my life. They’re only doing summer and fall now. Nancy loves it there and loves to help, plus she helps take care of him. Add in Alec’s parents and…here I am. I’m still close enough to home that I can go back and help, but I’m free too.”
“You love The Village.” We both know she does. Getting out never meant she didn’t love it. “And Alec?” I don’t mean for my voice to be so tight when I ask about him.
A sad look takes over her face. “I want him to get out of there… I don’t know if he will yet. He needs it. All these years I thought I really knew him, Nate, but I didn’t. Not really. He—”
I groan and rub my hand over my face. “You’re killin’ me here.” It’s not something I like to admit, but I’ve always been jealous of him, their relationship and the times they had together.
“Not like that!” She sits up. “Shit, I didn’t mean for it to sound like that.”
“I have no right to care if it does.” I don’t like the words, but they need to be said.
“Maybe you don’t want to, but you do.”
“Char—”
She counters with, “Nathaniel.”
“You haven’t called me that in a while.”
“Maybe that will be what I call you when you piss me off.”
“What? What did I do?” I don’t know how the mood suddenly got so much lighter, but it did.
“You’re being a guy. I understand things like that so much better since I started hanging out with Danielle.”
That’s the first time I realize she really must not have talked to Alec for a while. That maybe she’d been almost as pissed at him as me.
“Let’s pretend we’re at The Village right now, okay?” Charlotte lies back down. “It’s like every other summer. Let’s just…talk.”
So we do. I tell her about Mom and the baby and she asks a lot of questions about Brandon. I manage to dodge the college question, but we catch up on everything else.
Its already almost evening time before I get her back to her hotel.
“You do realize I didn’t get to show you any of Central Park today, right?” I ask.
“It doesn’t matter.” She shakes her head.
An expression that says she still had a great day plays across her face, but I’m not ready to hear it. “I better go. I’ll pick you up tomorrow, okay?”
“Okay.”
As soon as I round the corner, my cell phone beeps. Pulling it out of my pocket I see a text from Charlotte.
What we did was better
Maybe I am ready to hear it. Not sure what I plan to say when I get there, I turn around back around, take the corner and see that she’s gone.
I don’t go after her. Don’t reply. Just head back to the train and go home.
“Nate! Wake up!” Brandon grabs me, jerking me out of sleep.
My room is pitch black, but then the lamp from my bedside table flips on, the light stinging my eyes. “What the hell, man?”
“It’s Mom. She’s bleeding. A lot. We’re taking her to the hospital.”
I’m already out of bed before the last word leaves his mouth. I pull on the same jeans I wore today, which were on the floor, get a t-shirt from my drawer and then I’m right behind my brother, snagging my cell as I head out of my room. My shoes are already by the door so I shove my socked feet into them.
“Where are they?” I ask. My voice shakes. My hands are shaking.
“They just left. Dad caught me when I was getting up to go to the bathroom and told me. I saw her nightgown, Nate. It’s…”
Brandon doesn’t continue and he doesn’t have to. It’s bad. I can see it with one look at him. “Just drive. Let’s go.”
We climb into Brandon’s truck and he backs out.
“We got into an argument tonight,” Brandon rushes out.
“Why?”
“I guess it wasn’t really a fight, but she was upset… I told her I’m not sure I want to play football anymore.”
That catches my attention. “You love football.”
“I never said I didn’t. But it’s a lot of pressure. You don’t get it. You loved baseball, but it was never the same. You’re also a brainiac and everyone has always known you’re more than just sports.”
“What are you talking about, Brandon? Mom and Dad have never been like that. Hell, Dad couldn’t care less about sports.”
“Who said I was talking about them?” he says quietly.
Every time I talk to Brandon lately, it’s like he has another surprise for me. Another secret I don’t know about him. Does he really think he’s not more than football?
“If you don’t wanna play ball, don’t. You have to live your own life.”
Brandon sighs. “Easier said than done, bro. And I don’t know for sure. I just…never mind. Mom is what matters right now."
“It’s not your fault.” I’m not sure why I say that. “The fight. If…”
I feel Brandon’s eyes on me. “Thanks, man.”
We don’t talk after that. I hold my phone in my hand the whole way to the hospital. While Brandon is parking I stop fighting the urge to text Charlotte.
Might not be there 2morrow. At the hospital with Mom. Bleeding.
It doesn’t matter that it’s two in the morning, Charlotte replies quickly.
What hospital? I’ll be right there.
A deep breath pushes out of my lungs. I should have known she’d give me exactly what I didn’t know I needed.
They’re in the room for an hour before Dad comes out. His face is pale as he sits down next to Brandon and I. “They’ve slowed the bleeding down, which is good. They also did an
ultrasound to check on the baby; he’s doing okay for now. Still has a heartbeat and everything.”
“He?” Brandon asks. They’d decided they weren’t going to find out what they were having, but I guess this changed things.
At that, Dad smiles. “Three boys. How lucky are we?”
I lean back in the chair, studying Dad. It’s not like I never knew he loved us or I ever felt mistreated or anything. He has just always been…busy. Even when he would take summers off and we’d go to The Village, we have never been one of those families who eat together at night and plays games or whatever. We’ve all had our own lives, but looking at him now, I see how much we mean to him and how proud he is of us. It’s funny that I would feel closer to him now than I did when I was a kid, but maybe that’s how life worked sometimes.
“He’ll be okay, Dad. How could he not be? I mean, he’s cool enough to have me for a brother.”
Brandon punches me, but Dad laughs. “You guys are good kids. Your mother and I love you. Let’s keep Mom and your brother in your prayers, okay?”
The seriousness of the situation weighs heavily on us again. “She’s at twenty-four weeks now and that technically means the baby is viable.”
Viable? I don’t know why that word makes me nauseous. He says it like it’s a good thing, but, but it sounds so…cold.
“So they’d be okay if he comes early?” I ask.
Dad awkwardly adjusts his weight from one side to the other. “There are no promises, Nate. Obviously every day we can keep him in there safely is a good thing. He needs all the time he can to get strong. The odds of survival get better and better, but it’s still a tough road.”
Odds of survival. That’s hard to hear. I was freaked out when they told me they were having another baby, but now, I just want my little brother.
“Come here.” Dad gives us each a hug before saying, “We’ll be in the ER a little while longer, then they’re going to admit her to the labor and delivery department. They’re just waiting on a room. You guys can head home and we’ll call you—”
“—No. Not yet.”
Brandon nods his head in agreement.
He squeezes each of our shoulders again, before he disappears into the emergency room with Mom.
Another hour passes and then I hear another sliding door, this one coming from the entrance. My head shoots up and I see Charlotte standing there. I push to my feet to go to her, but then I see she didn’t come alone. Alec is standing right behind her.
My jaw tightens. My hands fist. I need her. I need her and she came here with him.
Alec’s eyes meet mine. They don’t linger on me long before they dart toward Brandon.
Charlotte moves to me. “Nate, is everything okay? How’s your mom?”
I know I should answer her. It shouldn’t matter that Alec’s here because Mom is in there bleeding, and her and my brother’s lives are in danger. But it still sucks. Still feels like someone pushing a knife into my gut.
Charlotte walks up toward me, steps so close. “He wanted to come for Brandon,” she whispers. “They’re…friends. Brandon means a lot to him, too.”
I lean against the wall, knowing she’s right. “I hate it, Charlotte,” I say softly. “Hate seeing him and knowing you’re still close to him, even though I shouldn’t. Things have changed and even if they hadn’t, now sure as hell isn’t the time for me to let it bother me. It’s just...I need you. I’m scared out of my mind here and even after all this time, you make things feel better, but he’s always there.”
She gets closer to me again. She steps between my slightly spread legs. Doesn’t hesitate. Just wraps her arms around my neck.
“I’m here. I’ll do whatever you need. I’ll always be here for you.”
As if they have a mind of their own, my hands rest on her waist. Like I’ve done so many times, I slip them under the bottom of her shirt, seeking skin. She buries her face in my neck. I don’t know where Brandon or Alec are. And I don’t care. “I’m scared, Star Girl. She wants this baby. What if something happens to my mom?”
“It won’t.”
We just stand there and hold each other. Her supporting me the way she’s always done. The way only she can. “Thanks for coming,” I finally tell her.
“You would have done the same thing for me. You have. You were the first one who told me I could get out of The Village, Nate. Even my mom who wanted out herself never told me I could leave. And when they did go, you helped me through it. You’re always there for me.”
“It’s a trade.” As soon as the words leave my mouth, I realize how true they are. “You helped make me realize everything was okay after the Chrissy thing…and you’re here now.”
“So we’re two for two?” She laughs. “You were my answer that first summer, then me for you the second one.”
“I had the third summer and now you the fourth,” I finish. It’s amazing, I realize. Having that with someone. Having it with her.
She licks her lips, something she does when she wants me to kiss her. It’s another of those things I know about her that I hope no one else ever does. I lean forward, needing to feel my mouth on hers. Charlotte’s breath catches. I want to swallow each and every sound she makes. “I’m so freaked out right now. I just need something familiar. Can I kiss you?”
“Déjà vu.” She smirks, reminding me how I asked her the same question in the past. “Yes.”
Only I don’t get the chance. The doors leading back through the ER open and Dad comes out again.
Brandon jerks out from around a corner and I pull from Charlotte to step toward him. “Is everything okay?”
“Oh! Wow. Surprised to see you kids here. I didn’t even know you were in New York.” Dad says to Charlotte and Alec.
“They’re here for two weeks,” I say.
“Thanks for coming. I’m sure Nathaniel and Brandon appreciate the support.” Dad tells them.
Brandon steps closer to Dad. “How’s Mom?”
“Better. The bleeding has almost completely stopped. That doesn’t mean we’re out of the woods yet, but it’s a good sign. They’re bringing her upstairs in about five minutes. The doctor said you boys could go in and see her for a minute, and then why don’t you head home? There’s nothing you can do here right now. If anything changes, I’ll call.”
Brandon and I look at each other. My brother nods. “Yeah…okay.”
“It’s the third room on the right,” Dad tells us. Brandon and I go in to see Mom. She’s all covered up in white hospital blankets, her hair a mess, but with a small smile on her face.
“Hey, guys.” Her voice is raspy.
“Hey…” I grab her hand and Brandon steps to the other side, doing the same. She has IVs in and there are machines all around.
“How are you?” I ask.
“Okay. Tired.”
“Mom?” Brandon’s voice cracks and his eyes pool. Shit. I don’t think I’ve ever seen my brother cry. Not since we were kids, at least.
“Shh. Your brother and I will both be fine. You understand that? I promise you guys. The Chase boys are fighters. This little guy is going to take after both of you. My strong, brave, wonderful boys. He’ll be okay and we’ll all get to meet him and you two will be able to show him just how wonderful you both are, okay?”
My eyes are wet, too. I squeeze her hand, but not too tight, afraid I’ll hurt her. “You’re strong, too,” I tell her.
Mom smiles. “I love you guys. Go home and get some rest. Your dad and I have his under control. We’ll call you later.”
I nod before leaning down to kiss her, and then Brandon does the same.
Dad gives us another hug when we walk back out to the waiting room. “I told Charlotte and Alec that they’re welcome back at the house with you guys.” He eyes me. “But be good. I’m trusting you.” But he really means me since I’m the one bringing a girl home to an empty house for who knows how long.
“I will.”
Brandon’s quiet as Dad goes back i
nto the waiting room. Charlotte and Alec walk up to us and I say to Charlotte, “Do you have to go back?”
She shakes her head. “No and I can’t believe how long you’ve traveled every day, Nate. I didn’t know.”
“It’s not a big deal.”
And even though I can’t stand Alec, I’m glad he took the train ride with her to keep her safe. When the four of us walk out of the hospital, I can’t help but think it feels good. It feels like so many of our summers from the past.
“I can’t believe I’m in your house.” Charlotte stands in the entryway looking around. “It’s huge, Nate. How many bedrooms are in this thing?”
“Six. Wanna come up to mine?”
Her eyes go wide and it makes me crack a smile. “Just to sleep. I’m tired as hell.”
“Yeah… I do. But I just have to talk to Alec for a second.”
Of course he picks that moment to walk up. They don’t say anything. He pushes a hand through his blond hair. Maybe it makes me a prick, but I’m not walking away and leaving him alone with her.
“I’m good,” Alec tells her and I wonder why he wouldn’t be.
“Brandon can show him to one of the guest rooms,” I say.
Charlotte nods and then follows me upstairs to my room. When we get inside, l close the door and step out of my shoes as she walks around, looking at everything.
“Oh my God! You still have your old hat! You never wore this after the first summer.” She grabs the Yankees hat off my dresser.
“It got too small.”
She examines the bookshelf, my desk, the corkboard where there’s a picture of us from the second summer. “You still have this?”
We’d taken it on our hike. “Yeah.” I can’t really manage much more than short answers. I’m tired, worried about Mom, and a little annoyed that Alec is in my house. “I’m dead on my feet. You have to be tired too.” I nod my head toward the bed. “Lay down with me.” And then I realize it probably won’t be comfortable for her to sleep in jeans so I go to my dresser and pull out a pair of shorts and a t-shirt for her. “They’ll be big, but it should work.”
