by L.H. Cosway
The rest was left unsaid…no matter how much it hurts.
***
After breakfast, the entire cast and crew drove into the city. Barry wanted to capture some footage of us walking around, gazing up at landmarks and such. We walked the streets and ran for a little bit, the cameras following us until we ended up at a park called The Wilds. It had an amazing view over the city and I tried to remind myself how lucky I was to be here. I mean, there were exotic birds and plants I’d never see at home, and here I was spending most of my time fixating on Cal, on the contract, on the prospect of losing my job. I wasn’t living in the moment and I needed to rectify that.
When we stopped for lunch, I found Michaela sitting on a nearby bench eating a sandwich.
“Mind if I join?”
She shook her head, and I took a seat next to her. Another thing I liked about Michaela was that, like me, she didn’t mind sitting in silence. I looked out at the view, the lush green terrain with apartment blocks beyond. Far in the distance, I saw the recognisable Telkom Tower.
“Can you believe this is the first time I’ve ever been outside the UK?” she said and took a bite of her sandwich.
“We have that in common,” I admitted. “I’d never been abroad until I joined the show either. The furthest my parents ever took us on holiday as kids was Southend.”
Michaela grinned. “I love Southend.”
“Well, yeah, me too, but driving to a seaside town in Essex isn’t the same as jetting off to Ibiza, now, is it?”
Michaela chuckled as her gaze wandered across the park. Cal stood talking with James and Trevor, and I could tell by their serious expressions that they were making plans for our first stunt. The camera crew filmed their discussion, but I was too far away to hear.
We were training to free run in Ponte City, a giant apartment complex close to the Hillbrow neighbourhood. We’d visited briefly this morning, but I was eager to go back and explore more.
Isaac told me that Hillbrow could be dangerous, especially at night, and that when he lived here, his mother always forbade him from going there. The tower had once been akin to a tenement or an urban slum, but it had undergone regeneration in recent years.
The structure itself interested all of us because it looked like nothing we’d ever seen before. The cylindrical skyscraper with its hollowed-out centre reminded me of something from a dystopian future. It also reminded me oddly of a telescope looking up into the sky, the vast white light of the sun pouring in during the day, then darkness and stars at night.
Astronomy was a big hobby of mine. My parents even got me a telescope for my fifteenth birthday because I was so obsessed. I still loved to study the stars and find constellations from my bedroom window.
A tiny, high-pitched squeak from Michaela broke me from my thoughts. I glanced at her. “What? Did you see a spider?”
“Um, no, sorry. It’s nothing. Don’t mind me,” she replied and looked away.
I realised what had solicited her reaction when I saw James had taken his shirt off. With the exception of Cal, I sometimes forgot just how hot my co-stars were. As part of our jobs, we were all constantly working out. For me, that meant abs and toned arm and leg muscles. For the guys that meant that they were ripped. In particular James, the biggest of the group, was impressive when he decided to whip out the guns.
“James has a fiancée,” I reminded her, my tone almost commiserating.
Michaela stiffened. “I know that.”
I eyed her meaningfully as I continued, “Diana’s not somebody you want to cross.”
She once told me I’d be so much prettier if I let my hair grow. She also said my baggy clothes made me look like a boy. I’d responded by pulling off my hoodie, revealing my tight tank top underneath and showing her exactly how much of a woman I was. Yep, Diana might’ve been a mean bitch, but I was a tough bitch, and I didn’t back down. She learned quickly not to aim her cattiness at me, but Michaela was kind and lovely. I didn’t want Diana setting her sights on her.
“Leanne, I don’t like James,” Michaela said, her tone fervent, eyes downcast. She looked embarrassed that we were even talking about this, so I decided to drop it. Besides, given my current situation with Cal, I was in no position to be giving anybody advice, romantic or otherwise.
Back at the house, Barry called us all into one of the lounge rooms for a meeting. There was a stack of boxes on the table, containing what appeared to be top-of-the-line handheld video cameras.
“What are those for?” Trev asked, motioning to the boxes.
“We’re introducing a new facet to the show this season,” Barry said. “Diary cams.”
“Oh, fuck off.” Cal folded his arms irritably.
Barry shot him a look of warning. “Say that again and see what happens.”
Cal stared him dead in the eye and enunciated slowly. “Fuck. Off.”
Barry ran a weary hand over his face. “Jesus Christ, it’s like dealing with a ten-year-old. Look, say what you want to the camera. Just give it a try. You might even end up enjoying it.”
“I’m not talking into a camera about my feelings. End of.” Cal stood firm.
“It’s more about going over what you’ve achieved each day, and your goals for the coming days,” Barry said.
“Yeah,” Paul added. “I think it could do you good to keep a diary, Cal. It will help with all those repressed emotions.”
“I’m not repressed.”
“Oh yeah? When’s the last time you had sex?” Paul questioned.
For a brief second, Cal’s gaze flashed to me, and I tensed. He returned his attention to Paul. “You can fuck off too.”
Paul grinned. “Telling everyone to fuck off is the first sign of repression.”
Cal stood up. He looked like he was about to pop off, but then, for some reason he caught himself. His cheeks flushed when he glanced at me, and then, miraculously, he sat back down.
Had Cal just consciously stopped himself from making a scene? This had to be a first.
Feeling a little bad for him, I stood to address the room. “Look, I’m not happy about these diary cams either, but the least we can do is give them a try.”
“I’m up for it,” James said.
“Yeah, me too,” Trev agreed.
“And me,” Isaac added.
Paul shot Cal a look. “Seems like you’re the only one not willing to play along.”
“Fine, I’ll do it,” Cal allowed, and I was admittedly impressed that he hadn’t resorted to throwing all his toys out of the pram. Or at least, he’d caught himself before he did.
Several cooks had been hired to cater for us while we were staying at the guesthouse. I was feeling like some alone time was on the cards, so instead of joining everyone else in the dining room, I grabbed a plate and a bottle of wine and headed out to the poolside. I sat down on a deck chair and dug into the dish, which consisted of delicious spicy sausage, mash, and vegetables. It was exactly what I needed after a long day of training.
I pulled up one of my playlists on Youtube and poured a glass of wine. The playlist consisted of three of my favourite movie clips.
My Best Friend’s Wedding – “Say a Little Prayer for You”
Strictly Ballroom – “Final Dance”
Good Will Hunting – “My Boy’s Wicked Smart”
I loved triumphant, feel-good moments. They lifted my spirits. If I was feeling down, a well-chosen movie clip could always cheer me back up again.
I’d finished eating and was onto my third glass of wine when someone took the sun lounger next to me. I knew it was Cal even without looking to confirm it was him. Instead I gazed up at the night sky. In this spot outside the city, there was blessed little light pollution. Above my head, a galactical masterpiece shone bright like diamonds. The sky was nothing but a sheet of sumptuous black velvet, the stars clearer than anything I’d ever be able to see back in London.
I liked the idea that there were things out there far bigger, older, and great
er than myself. It helped put daily trivialities into perspective, which you needed when you were on TV and people were constantly commenting on your appearance and your private life.
Looking at the night sky was my version of meditation.
When I received my first paycheck for Running on Air, I went out and bought myself an Orion Skyquest Intelliscope. It was my favourite thing I owned. Like, I actually missed it when I travelled, as though it were a friend or a beloved pet.
“You doing some stargazing?” Cal finally spoke. His gentle tone put me on alert. He was trying to lull me into a false sense of security.
“Uh huh.”
“What can you see?”
“Stars.”
His low, deep chuckle simmered into my bones, just like it always did. I needed to steel myself. I was several glasses of wine deep and feeling less inhibited than if I were sober. In other words, dodgy fucking territory.
Cal looked up, silent a moment before he said, “I think I can see Centaurus.”
My eyebrows shot all the way up into my forehead. “Since when do you know about constellations?” Also, he was right. Centaurus was clearly visible tonight, the shape half man, half horse. It wasn’t something you could pick out unless you knew what you were looking for.
Cal shrugged, his tone casual. “I might’ve read a book or two. You used to talk about this stuff all the time. I wanted to find out what all the fuss was about.”
I continued to stare at him. Had he actually gone to the trouble of reading astronomy books just because I used to talk about it? My chest felt flush all of a sudden, and I didn’t know what to say. I brought my attention back to the sky and sensed Cal studying my profile.
“This diary cam business is some bullshit though,” he said after a minute or two.
“Yep.” I was determined to keep my responses short so he couldn’t lure me into a long conversation.
Reaching out, Cal picked up the bottle of wine and took a gulp. Unable to resist, I turned, watching the way his throat moved. Like I said, it was one of many things I found intolerably sexy about him.
I didn’t say anything about him stealing my wine, mostly because the bottle was almost empty, but also because I could tell he wanted a reaction. I heard the sliding doors at the back of the house open before Trev called out, “Hey, what are you two doing out here all by yourselves?” He stood about ten yards away, hands on hips. It seemed he was following through on his promise to keep me and Cal apart.
“None of your business,” Cal shouted back.
“It’s my business if you get yourselves fired,” Trev responded.
I got up, a little unsteady on my feet, and headed toward the house.
“You don’t need to let him boss you around,” Cal said, eyeing me.
I glanced back at him. “I was planning on going to bed anyway.”
“No, you weren’t. You’re avoiding me. You don’t trust yourself around me.”
I rolled my eyes. “If that’s what you’d like to think, go ahead.” I continued on to the house. Though I feigned confidence, his statement held true. I didn’t trust myself around him.
And that was why I planned to spend as little time with Cal this month as possible.
Five
Leanne
I woke up the next morning with a vague memory I’d done something stupid. I just had this itchy feeling that I couldn’t seem to shake. Noticing the video camera plopped at the end of my bed, I scrambled to grab it, then checked the recordings.
Yep, I’d made a six-minute video, though what I’d said I couldn’t for the life of me remember. Alcohol often made me black out, which okay, was half the appeal.
At least I could delete the video before anyone else got their hands on it. But first, my curious side couldn’t resist hitting play.
The video showed me sitting on the bed, bleary-eyed and tipsy: “This is my first diary cam entry. Feels weird to be talking to a camera like this, but fuck it, I promised myself I’d give it a try. Anyway, we’ve barely been here a day and already Cal’s been getting on my nerves. He thinks he’s so sexy and irresistible, which yeah, he kind of is, but whatever. That doesn’t mean I’m interested. Been there, done that. No thank you to a repeat.”
Jesus. I cringed and hit delete, unable to watch any more. I needed to make a rule for myself: I would hide this camera somewhere I wouldn’t find it before I started drinking at night. If Barry ever got his hands on footage of me bleeding my heart out on a diary cam, you bet your arse he’d use it in an episode. Our director could be pretty ruthless when it came to stuff like that.
We spent the day practicing for Ponte City. In the evening, I shut myself in my room and visualised the stunt. I tried to envision myself climbing between window ledges. This challenge was going to be easier for the guys because all of them had the advantage of longer legs.
I was significantly shorter, but I was good at jumping and had excellent grip. My stubborn side was determined not to be the one who couldn’t finish. That had only happened to me once before, but that was a situation out of my control.
A pang of grief hit me at the memory, but I pushed it away and focused back on my visualisation. Paul told me that when something bad happened, it wasn’t the thing itself that caused us to suffer, but the way in which we reacted to it. I tried to keep that lesson in mind when bad memories surfaced. I managed my reactions rather than allowing myself to wallow in the pain and let it overwhelm me.
The next day was more practice and more dodging Cal until I fell into another exhausted sleep. I avoided drinking this time, since I couldn’t afford to be hungover during our stunt in the morning.
Michaela knocked on my door at the crack of dawn to get me up for filming at Ponte. I drank a giant oat smoothie, then joined the guys for a warm-up in a shaded part of the grounds outside.
Barry and the film crew, along with the show’s producers, Linda and Ken, were already setting up when we arrived at the mammoth tower block. It was one of those structures that was simply amazing to stare up at. The crew followed us as we ran and explored the ground floor, where there was a massive hill of broken rock.
We completed a preliminary run through several of the lower floors, then headed higher up. Most of the residents went about their business, but a group of adults and kids followed along to watch. They seemed intrigued and excited by the camera crew, though I also knew a number of residents, including the security company that managed the building, had been paid handsome fees to allow us to film around their apartments.
Our challenge was a race. We’d work in pairs to climb in a circle, from one window ledge to the next, with the pair who completed the full circle quickest being the winners. The tricky part was that the window ledges were incredibly narrow, not giving us much space for error. Also, we’d all be at least fifty floors up, so a single misstep meant, well…it was probably best not to think about it.
“Right, a bit of a change of plan,” Linda said. “I want Paul and Isaac to pair up, so then Callum can pair with Leanne.”
I frowned at her, hand on hip. Didn’t she know about our contracts? “But Paul and I have practiced together. Changing things now is only going to mess up our whole system.”
“The ratings go up when you and Callum have scenes together, so this is how we’re going to do it,” Linda replied evenly.
I considered her a friend, sure, but she could be particularly ruthless when it came to manipulating situations for ratings. It wasn’t her concern if putting me in close proximity with Cal meant testing my ability to resist him. Her main goal was to make the most exciting and interesting show possible, and apparently, our personal struggles didn’t factor into it.
“Besides,” she went on, “you two are incredibly in sync. You’ve worked together countless times, and those episodes are always the most popular.”
I huffed a frustrated breath. “Fine, let’s just get things moving.” Standing around arguing about it only meant losing valuable production time. P
aul sent me a sympathetic look that said he didn’t like the last-minute change of plan either, but we didn’t have a choice. I resigned myself to pairing up with Cal.
We took a lift to the fifty-second floor, and I was suddenly very aware of how high up we were. A thrilling rush coursed through my veins. My inner adrenaline junkie was more than ready for her next fix.
Cal came to stand next to me. “Don’t worry. I won’t let you fall.”
I suppressed a shiver at his husky promise, then narrowed my gaze and scoffed. “I think you’ve got that twisted.”
He tilted his head and winked. “You’re right. Maybe you’ll be the one to save me.”
I fought a grin, refusing to be charmed. “Whatever. How do you want to do this?”
“I should go first. That’s how Isaac and I trained. Plus, I’ve got better upper-body strength, so—”
“Do I need to remind you of all the times I’ve beat you?”
He arched an eyebrow, the sparkle of challenge in his eyes. “I’ve beaten you just as many. Besides, I’m taller. You might need my help reaching between the ledges.”
Now I scowled, because he was right. Paul and I had practiced with him going first for this very reason. It was just that giving Cal any kind of power over me felt like swallowing acid.
“Fine, you go first.”
He appeared pleased but knew me well enough not to gloat about it. Instead he replied, “Linda’s right about the two of us being in sync though. I think it has to do with how well we fuck.”
“Oh, Christ, can you shut up?” I did my best not to blush. Also, wasn’t he aware that the cameras were rolling? Was he actively trying to get us fired?
He leaned close and lowered his voice to a whisper. “You know it’s true.”
I adjusted the microphone at my neck and endeavoured to ignore him. Cal turned to the camera and explained the stunt we were about to do, while I took several deep breaths in and out to centre myself. Michaela appeared with a bottle of water, and I thanked her before taking a long gulp.
