by S. M. West
“Why not? She’s out for herself, just like Elliot. Neither of them gave a shit about bringing you into this.”
He has a point. I snuggle into his side, resting my head on his shoulder, and he gives the driver his address. The cab leaves the hospital.
“I texted Nick and filled him in. He’s going out of his mind.” The scratchy prickling of tears comes back to my eyes. Nick’s not handling his role in all this very well, but Maggie and the baby need to come first.
“I’ll call him.”
“Have you heard anything from Paddy?” I stare out at the slushy thick snow making the drive treacherous and slow.
“Nothing yet. But hopefully soon.”
Neither of us say much during the ride to his place. I try not to focus on the beating my body has taken over the past few days, more grateful to have Kit and that we’re both alive and well, for the most part.
We make it to his place in nearly twice the amount of time it would usually take, thanks to the incoming blizzard.
“I was really scared today,” I say as the elevator doors close.
“Me too.” His warm, callused hand slides around the back of my neck and he gently tugs me to his side.
“I’ve wasted so much time…and today, at one point, all I could think about was what if we died?”
“We didn’t.” His grip tightens around my waist and I tremble.
I could have lost him today. I may still. God, that hurts. This isn’t over yet. Nuzzling my face into his jacket, I blink away the mounting tears of fear. I’m sick of crying or being afraid.
“I know, but all the time we spent apart because of me… I don’t want to waste any more time.” I look up at him and it comes to me, what I want most. “When this is over, I want us to move in together. Start our future.”
His finger lightly brushes my cheek, at what I’m guessing is a bruise, and the corners of his mouth start to lift as the elevator doors ding open. With his mouth partially open, he stills, staring down the hallway. He closes his mouth and something shifts in his demeanor.
He carefully detaches himself from me and I clamp my lips shut, trapping my whimpering lament at the loss of him. What has his rapt attention?
There’s a woman standing outside the door to his loft and everything about this is all too familiar. Talk about déjà vu. I’m taken back to the very first night I stayed at Kit’s.
It’s that woman, Sally. He releases my hand, murmuring something about one sec or I’ll be back. I’m frozen just outside the elevator doors.
Kit is now in front of Sally, talking to her. Again, his back is to me and I don’t know what’s being said.
As if walking through quicksand, I fight to make my way down the hall. The horrors of today, no, the past couple of days, are finally settling in. I wanted to be alone with Kit, forget for a little while. And even if it’s foolish, I pray those men don’t know about his place, don’t know how to find us.
“Come in.” He opens his front door, motioning to Sally, and she casts furtive glances my way, looking about as uncomfortable as me.
He stays at the open door waiting for me to come in. Then he takes my hand, shutting the door behind me, lowering his voice and head toward me. “Could you give us a few minutes?”
Kit
I don’t like asking Caro to leave, and when I turn away from her, I falter, nearly tripping over my feet at the sight of Nick in my loft. He’s a wreck, dark circles around his eyes, scruff along his jaw and hair sticking up in all directions.
“Nick, how’d you get in?” Caro’s moved past me and is now at his side, leaning in to hug him.
My friend closes his eyes, hanging on tight and holding his sister a little longer than usual. The crash must have freaked him out and I can’t blame him. I wasn’t myself either as we flew through the air. All I could think about was Caro.
“I have a key. Let myself in.” He rubs at his jaw, looking to me and then Sally, standing awkwardly near the door. “Hi, Sally. Kit.” He dips his chin and looks back at Caro. “We need to talk.”
“Yes, sure.” She grabs his hand and starts toward the bedroom and stops, peering over her shoulder at me. “We’ll just be in here.”
I wish I could go with them, to reassure Nick that his sister is okay. I’d sooner die than let anything happen to her. But they need some time alone, and I have to talk to Sally.
“Sure.” I nod and force an easy smile, not wanting Caro to worry about anything. “Sally, can I get you something to drink?” I stroll into the kitchen.
“No, I’m good. Thanks.” She follows, lingering at the doorway. “I hope it’s okay that I just showed up. You weren’t saying much with your texts and I wanted to make sure you were okay.”
Her tone and body posture indicate she’s regretting her decision to be here. She’s smart and most probably has figured out the explosion wasn’t your run of the mill accident. And I suppose my vague responses don’t help either.
“Ah, I wish you’d told me you were coming but it’s fine. Um, I actually wanted to talk to you in person, so I’m glad you’re here.”
“Oh.” She slumps against the wall, more resigned than anything else. “Kit, um, I have a pretty good idea what you want to talk about.” Her smile is unnatural and doesn’t reach her eyes.
“You do?” I throw back two aspirins with water—anything to relieve some of the tension in my neck.
“No surprise to you, I’m sure, but I’ve been the one pursuing you for some time now and I’m sorry about that.”
“What do you mean? You didn’t do anything wrong.” I rest the empty glass on the counter.
“We’re friends, right?” For the first time since entering the kitchen, she looks me in the eye and her gaze is hopeful.
“Of course. You don’t need to ask. Sally, I think you’ve got this wrong.”
“No, no, please let me speak. I need to say this.” One hand fiddles with the fingers of her other hand. “I wasn’t clueless to your reluctance to go on a date but I just thought you were shy. I really like you, Kit, and I think that was partly why I ignored the signs.”
“The signs?” I cock my head to the side, wondering where she’s going with this.
“Yeah. Usually, if a guy isn’t interested, I don’t push it. But with you, I did. I really like you and figured you just needed a little encouragement.”
“You make me sound like I’m awkward and lacking self-confidence.” I chuckle nervously, not recognizing the guy she described.
“No, God, I don’t mean it like that at all. It’s the opposite. You’re confident, easy on the eyes, and a good person. Anyway, I’m getting off topic here.” She inhales deeply, forcing herself to look at me once more. “If I didn’t see it with my own eyes, I wouldn’t have understood.”
Now she’s staring at the closed bedroom door where Caro and Nick are.
“What?” I rest my hip against the counter, shoving my hands into my pockets and feeling like a jerk.
She’s nervous, and I never should have agreed to that first coffee. I’d been torn about dating. I like Sally and we get along but as for if there was more, I wasn’t sure. A part of me wanted there to be more, that it was time for me to move on from Caro.
But we never really had a chance. And if I’d declined all her attempts at a date, we wouldn’t be here right now. I don’t want to lose her friendship over this.
“I mean, I finally get it. I should be embarrassed to say this, but I tried for months to get you to go out with me.”
She already said that but I keep quiet, letting her get it all out.
“And I never understood why you weren’t interested.” Her laugh is nervous. “At first I thought maybe you were gay, but I didn’t get that feeling. And then, when you agreed to a date, you kept it really friendly and light. It didn’t feel any different than it did when you and the guys would come in and shoot the shit with me.”
“Shit, Sally, I’m sor—”
“No. There’s no need to ap
ologize. It’s okay. After seeing you with that woman”—her head tilts toward the bedroom—“the other night and again now, I finally understand. You’re in love with someone else.”
“Ah, yeah, we hav—”
“Hey, really, you don’t need to explain this to me. It’s plain to see by the way you look at her. No other woman exists.” She steps closer to me, waiting for my permission or something, and whatever it is, she must get it because she slides her arms around my middle, hugging me.
Then she pulls away, tipping her head back to look up at me. “She’s one lucky woman. You’re a great guy.”
“Sal—”
“No hard feelings. We’re going to be cool at the diner, I promise. And if you want to bring in your lady friend, I’d love to meet her.”
She walks toward the front door and the knot loosens in my chest.
“I’d like that, Sally. Thank you.” A smile rests on my lips.
“Take care, Kit, and see you around.”
Caro
My brother and I sit side by side on the edge of the bed. Worry and guilt mar his usually strong, serene features. Nick is normally great under pressure. He had to be to deal with life or death problems when working with less than law-abiding citizens.
It’s funny, our careers are so different and yet we both thrive under fire, balancing life and death daily. Even now, as he runs the Home, the decisions he makes impact the lives of many.
And yet, he’s a mess right now and I guess it’s more to do with the fact that he’s helpless, sitting this out, and it’s driving him crazy.
“I want to kill the bastard who ran into you. And Elliot and whoever else is—” He grips at his hair and I pull a hand away from his head, causing him to stop talking.
“Nick, I’m okay. Kit took care of me.” I wrap my arms around him and he squeezes me tight.
We sit like that for some time, and I’m comforted by his embrace and also torn up to see him like this. No one is to blame for what’s happened but Elliot, and partly me for going out with the jackass to begin with. Yet both Nick and Kit hold themselves responsible.
“How are you two doing?” He pulls back, tilting his head toward the closed door where Kit and Sally are on the other side.
“We’re okay. A little shaken and anxious. I don’t know if those idiots know to find me here.”
He nods, lips thin and tight. “That’s not what I meant. Sally’s here. What’s going on?”
“Kit and I are in a good place. We’ve been talking and…” A smile springs to my lips.
“More?” Nick raises a brow, smirking, and I nod. Neither of us wants to get into the more.
“Good. Kit still loves you. Always has and always will.”
“And I love him too. I’ve never stopped, even though I did a lot of damage to us.” The truth aches and my stomach roils.
Why do I choose now to say my greatest regret out loud? To Nick of all people? We don’t do touchy-feely.
I steel my spine, preparing for some insensitive retort, sure to sting and shut down any real talk.
“Yeah, you did.” And there it is but he isn’t done. “But Kit understood even when I didn’t.”
“What do you mean?”
“Why didn’t you ever let loose on me? Hold it against me?”
“Hold what against you?” I feel like we’re playing pin the tail on the donkey and, blindfolded, I’ve just been spun around several times.
“All that I did. You were practically mute when you found out how I made a buck. Your disapproval and disgust were plain to see but you never said a word.”
“You’re talking about when we were younger?”
“Uh-huh.”
“I don’t want to talk about this.” My teeth sink into my bottom lip to hold back the angry tears at myself. Since when does Nick want to get deep? “Is the thought of fatherhood making you soft?”
It’s meant to be a joke, to lighten the mood, but instead it’s a low blow. The hiss coming from him says as much.
“Stop. I hate this shit but it’s also long overdue.” Now he’s playing big brother and there’s no room for me to wriggle out of this conversation. “I didn’t see it at first, but after you broke up with Kit, I realized what you’d done. You dumped all of your disappointment, anger, and sadness at me onto him. Shit, and what for?”
Shame and regret eat at my insides and make me want to scream and run out of this room. But this is long overdue, and where would I go? I can’t live my life in denial, I’ve done that long enough. I can’t outrun the past and my mistakes.
“You know why,” I lash out, once again redirecting anger at myself elsewhere. Dammit, Caro.
My sorry and all the words I want to say, to explain and make it right or at least try to, swell and ball in my throat. I can’t bring myself to say anything.
“Do you know how shitty I felt, knowing Kit got all that was meant for me?” Frustration tugs at the corners of his mouth and eyes, causing tiny lines of distress.
“I-I didn’t…I mean, how could I say anything to you?” I close my eyes and hang my head, pressing my fingers into my forehead. “You were my brother, father, and mother rolled into one. Léa died because of me.” Something cracks in my chest.
My dead sister haunts me daily. Nick’s unrelenting commitment to being a better parent to me than our own is both a balm and a plague. I can never repay him.
“Don’t you dare say that.” Nick leaps to his feet, pointing a finger at me like a knife, sharp and cutting. “You didn’t kill her.”
“No, but you both made huge sacrifices, and hers ultimately led to her death. How the hell was I to judge you both? Hold your crimes against you when it meant I got to pursue my dream and become a doctor?”
Tears, hot and heavy, stream down my face. My neck aches and head hurts from being battered around in the car, or maybe from facing the ugly truth of it all.
Insides bared, ripped wide open, all the hurt, rage, and disappointment spills from me. And most of all, my stupid inability to do anything about it. Even now, freed, the ugliness within me laughs at me at how I closed myself off and pushed those I loved, I needed, away from me. Afraid I didn’t deserve their love and their surrender.
“You should have said something. I didn’t fucking see any of this until you broke it off with Kit. When I pulled away to keep you out of danger and you didn’t stop me, things started to fall into place.” His cheeks are flushed, eyes wild with finally putting this all on the table.
“Seriously, how could I take your money and then in the next breath, tell you your life choices angered me? Troubled me? I never wanted to be part of that life. I didn’t want the guns and violence at my door.”
“I get it, but Kit doesn’t deserve what you heaped on him. You have a right to feel the way you do and not like his choices, my choices, but—”
“I know.” Now I’m on my feet, voice raised. “It never occurred to me what I was doing…” Only now, hearing my brother, does the past rearrange itself, and as much as I don’t want to admit it, what he says rings true.
It’s nothing to be proud of but it helps make sense of what I did, breaking up with Kit. I loved him even as I was breaking both our hearts.
“I was studying to save lives and yet I worried, what if one day it was his life or yours on the line?”
Back then, I was afraid of so many things. Afraid to lose him to a dangerous and unforgiving life, one I couldn’t control.
“Caro—”
“No, let me finish. What if Kit was wheeled into the ER dying? What if I couldn’t save his life? And the same goes for you. I’d already lost my sister. Every class I took, learning about the body and how magnificent it was and also how fragile, I was scared of not being able to save your life or his. It became too much and so I pushed him away. It was the only way I knew how to survive.”
“Shhh, Caro. It’s okay. I get it and Kit does too.” He tries to take me in his arms but I’m thrumming, not wanting to be pinned down
. I know what I have to do.
“Nick, I need to…” I pull away.
“Go talk to him.” He opens the door and Kit is shutting the front door. He’s alone.
“What is it?” Kit strides toward the bedroom, concern shrouding his features as his eyes lock with mine.
“Hey, I’m going home. I just needed to see that you’re both okay.” Nick clamps a hand on Kit’s shoulder. “Did anyone follow you?”
“No. I didn’t see anyone, but it’s getting nasty out there.” Kit’s gaze never wavers from mine.
“I asked Logan to get his ass over here. He isn’t home. He should be here soon.” Nick grabs his jacket off the chair and puts it on.
My brother hauls me into his arms and hugs me again, for what feels like the hundredth time tonight. “I’ll talk to you soon. Get some sleep.”
“I will.” He lets me go and turns to leave. “And Nick, I love you.”
“Are you all right?” Kit pulls me close and hugs me without any words, knowing I need him.
“I’m so sorry for everything.” Pulling back, I stare into his loving gaze that I’m not so sure I deserve but won’t ever abandon again. “I ended our relationship and was a fool—”
“Hey, we’ve been over this.” Strong fingers sweep across my face, holding me in place. “Where’s this coming from?”
“In talking to Nick, I realized how some—no, most—of what I hated about your life wasn’t about you.” I worry my lip and he nods, not in the least bit fazed by what I’m saying. “It was about Nick, and to some extent, my sister.”
“I know.” His tone is understanding. How can he be when I’ve messed things up for so long?
“What? How can you know when I only just made the connection?” A hot fat tear slips from the corner of my eye.
His thumb gently wipes it away. “I’ve always known. You and Nick aren’t so different when it comes to talking about difficult things.” His frank smile matches his tone. “I saw the guilt you wrestled with when it came to how he made medical school a possibility for you. And while you’re a driven, smart woman who would have succeeded at anything, you also put a lot of pressure on yourself to be the best…to be deserving of your degree, of being a doctor.”
