by Amy Clipston
Had he missed her as much as she’d missed him? The thought sent a ray of hope spilling through her battered soul.
After calling her driver and telling him she’d found another way home, Cindy walked with Drew to the Bird-in-Hand Family Restaurant.
She sat in a booth across from him as confusion swirled in her chest. He said he’d missed her, but he’d also stayed away. Was he toying with her emotions?
“What’s wrong?” he asked after the server had taken their order.
Her gaze snapped to his, and she found the familiar empathy there.
“Talk to me, Cindy.” He leaned forward on the table, his eyes seeming to plead with hers for answers.
“If you missed me”—her voice nearly failed her—“why did you stay away from me for so long?”
He settled back in the seat and raked his hand through his thick hair. The motion left his hair an endearing mess. “Ervin told me our relationship could cause trouble for you in your community. He said if I kept seeing you, you could be branded with a bad reputation.” His expression became pained. “I was afraid I was hurting you, and I wanted to explain. I kept hoping you’d stop by so I could at least talk to you one more time.”
She gasped as he said the words she’d repeated in her prayers over and over for weeks.
“I’m sorry.” He frowned. “If I see you, I hurt you, but if I stay away from you, I hurt both of us. I feel like I’m losing my mind.”
“I know,” she whispered. “I kept hoping you’d come see me.”
“Why didn’t you come see me?”
She looked down at the table and began to trace circles with her fingers. “Florence said I was embarrassing my father by seeing you and breaking the rules of the community. She made me promise not to see you. She said that if I were a dutiful daughter, I’d do what was right. I’ve missed you so much I’ve felt like I can’t breathe. I’ve been sewing and quilting to distract myself, but nothing works.”
She looked up at him, and the intensity in his eyes sent a jolt of heat zipping through her veins. Her breath was trapped in her lungs, and then goose bumps tripped down her arms.
Just then, the server appeared at the table with their food, and Cindy’s trance was broken. She thanked the server and stared down at her club sandwich, but her appetite had evaporated.
“I’m sorry.”
Cindy looked over at him. “Why?”
“I’m sorry for causing so much trouble.” He shook his head as his attractive face wrinkled into a frown. “If I hadn’t asked you to go see the fireworks with me, we wouldn’t be in this predicament.”
“You believe that?” She leaned forward.
“No, I suppose not.” He gave a little laugh. “I think our friendship would still be going strong even if I hadn’t invited you to see the fireworks.”
“What do we do now?” She held her breath, praying he’d have a solution that would solve all their problems and keep their relationship afloat.
“I don’t know.” He looked down at his Salisbury steak and then back at her. “What if I talk to your father? He seems like a reasonable man. Maybe if I explain how much you mean to me, he’ll allow us to remain friends. Do you think that would work?”
“Maybe.” Cindy nodded as a tiny seed of hope took root in her soul. “It’s definitely worth a try.”
“I agree.” Drew’s radiant smile was back. “Let’s enjoy our lunch, and then I’ll take you home and ask your father to talk to me.”
ten
Cindy’s heart pounded against her rib cage as Drew steered his pickup truck toward where Dat stood at the top of the driveway. A deep frown twisted his face. A sinking feeling of foreboding slithered up her spine and dug its claws into her shoulders.
“Hey.” Drew’s voice was close to her ear as he placed his hand on top of hers. “Everything is going to be all right. I’ll talk to your dad and explain that I would never do anything to disrespect you or him. Does that sound like a good plan?”
She nodded, but she couldn’t ignore the feeling that this would be the last time she spoke to Drew.
When he wrenched open his door, she grabbed his arm. “Wait,” she said.
“What?” He turned toward her, his brow puckering.
“If it doesn’t go well, just remember that I care about you.” She spoke slowly. “No matter what he says, it won’t change how much your friendship means to me.”
He entwined his fingers with hers. “I know that. And I care about you too.”
She peered out the windshield and took in the fury on her father’s reddening face. Her stomach tied itself into a knot as she climbed out of the truck, retrieved her bag from the floorboard, and started up the driveway.
“Where have you been?” Dat bellowed. “You told me you were running to the fabric store for supplies for your quilt, but you’ve been gone for hours! Do you think I’m a moron? Do you think I don’t know what sneaking off to meet someone is?”
“I didn’t sneak off to meet Drew.” She worked to keep her voice steady despite her raging emotions. “I went to the fabric store, but then I ran into Drew on the street.” She pointed to Drew as he walked up behind her. “He was at the hardware store. He asked me to have lunch with him and offered to drive me home. None of this was planned, so please don’t accuse me of lying or sneaking around. I wasn’t.”
Dat shook his head. “Go into the haus while I have a talk with Drew.”
Cindy peeked over her shoulder at Drew, and he gave her an encouraging look and a nod.
As she hurried up the path, she sent a quick prayer up to God.
Please soften Dat’s heart toward Drew and help him understand how special our friendship is. We need your help.
She rushed into the house and up to her sewing room, where she looked at her log cabin quilt and prayed quilting would bring her solace until she saw Drew again.
Then she moved to the window, sat down on a chair, and watched as Drew spoke to her father. She hugged her arms to her chest and begged God to keep Drew in her life.
* * *
“Vernon, please listen to me.” Drew held up his trembling hands as he searched his mind for the right words to convince the man to trust him. “Cindy is telling you the truth. I didn’t plan to run into her today. I went to the hardware store, and when I walked out, I spotted her on the street. I suggested we have lunch and get caught up, so please don’t punish her for seeing me. It was my idea.”
Vernon took a step toward Drew, and his eyes seemed to smolder with fury. “You need to stay away from my daughter. You’re not a member of our community, and you’re forbidden to be her friend.”
Vernon’s words punched Drew in the chest, and he rubbed at the tightness there.
Brushing off the barb, Drew lifted his chin. “I respect you, and I respect your daughter. I would never do anything to break your trust in me, and I also—”
“If you have any respect for her or for me, you’ll stay away from her for good.” Vernon nearly spat the words at Drew. “Stay away from all of us.” Then he pivoted and marched toward the barn.
Drew slammed his hands on his hips and took deep breaths as his body shook like a leaf in a tornado. He’d ruined his chances of winning Vernon’s blessing, and he had broken his promise to Cindy to fix this. Disappointment and grief nearly overcame him.
When Drew saw movement out of the corner of his eye, he turned and saw Jamie standing on the other side of the driveway. While Jamie wasn’t smiling, he also wasn’t glaring at Drew with hatred in his eyes as Vernon had.
“I didn’t see you there,” Drew said as Jamie walked over to him. “How long have you been standing there?”
“Long enough.” Jamie crossed his arms over his chest.
“Do you hate me too?” Drew gave a sardonic laugh, despite his crumbling hope.
“Mei dat doesn’t hate you.” Jamie glanced toward the barn and then back at Drew. “It’s just that you and Cindy can’t be together. Your relationship with her is pu
tting my sister in a terrible spot. You have to accept that this is just how it is in our culture, and it’s not going to change just because you tell my father you respect him and you’ll never do anything to break his trust.”
Something inside of Drew snapped, and he felt his emotions rage. “Jamie, I don’t know how I can stay away from her. These past three weeks have been torture. I care about her.”
Jamie’s eyes widened, and he shook his head. “You need to find a way to get over it. You can’t be with her. It’s just not possible.”
“Why not?” Drew’s voice rose. “We’re all people.”
“It’s more complicated than that.” Jamie jammed a finger in Drew’s chest. “You’re not Amish, and she can’t be with you unless you’re both baptized into the Amish church. You need to accept this.”
And just like that, Drew’s hope crashed. He could do nothing to make his relationship with Cindy work.
Would he really have to go on without her in his life? Would he have to suffer more loss?
* * *
Cindy fought back threatening tears as she watched Drew hang his head and then walk to his truck after talking to Jamie. It had been apparent by the way Dat had stomped off that Drew’s discussion with him hadn’t gone well either.
Nothing had changed despite Drew’s effort to reason with her father. She’d lost Drew once again, just as she had nearly three weeks ago when she agreed to be a dutiful daughter and not see him. Her heart crumbled at the thought of never seeing him again. How she would miss him! He was the only person who truly understood her. She was alone once more. She took a trembling breath as tears spilled down her hot cheeks.
Heavy footsteps echoing in the stairwell outside the sewing room alerted her that either Roy or her father was coming upstairs. She swiped at her tears and lifted the log cabin quilt from the table to busy herself, suppressing the grief that had taken hold of her.
“I never expected that you’d be the one I’d lose to the English world.”
Cindy looked up as her father hovered in the doorway, a pained expression twisting his face. “What?”
“When your mamm died, I expected all mei kinner would cling to our beliefs. You were the one who always seemed to be closest to your mamm. You never left her side to spend time with freinden, and you always seemed to have a strong faith.” He stepped into the room. “It puzzles me that now that she’s gone, you’re not the same person. I never thought you would try to find love outside of our community.”
Love?
“I didn’t plan this. It just happened.” She was grateful her voice sounded more confident than she felt.
“You should be clinging to your beliefs without your mamm here.” His voice became more urgent and sterner. “You should have been baptized already. You should be married, like Laura. You should be planning a family now, not spending time with an Englisher.”
“I’m not Laura.” She gritted her teeth. “I’m not Mark or Jamie either. I’m Cindy.” She pointed to her chest. “When Mamm died, you all moved on as if everything was just fine, but it wasn’t fine.” She dropped the quilt into her lap and balled her hands into fists. “Nothing will ever be fine without her.”
Dat rubbed at his shoulder as if a cluster of tension had sprouted there. “You make it sound as if we don’t miss her. We all miss her. I still love your mamm, and I will never stop loving her. But God provides our comfort. He is the great healer, and he will heal your heart if you allow him to.”
“I have asked him for healing. I’ve prayed thousands upon thousands of times since Mamm died.” Her voice fractured as her own tension coiled around her chest. “I’ve asked him to lead me since I’ve been so lost. I thought you would understand how lost I’ve felt, but you haven’t, and it’s obvious you still don’t. No one does. You, Jamie, Mark, and Laura just moved on and left me in the dust, all alone.”
“No one left you, Cindy.” Dat crossed the room and then sank into a chair across from her as his expression and tone warmed. “We’re all still here. We’ve all tried to reach out to you, but you just keep rejecting us.”
“That’s not true.” She sniffed and swiped her hand over her eyes. “I’ve never pushed anyone away from me.”
“Ya, you have.” He wiped away her tears with the tip of his finger. “We’re all here for you, and God is too. You just need to join the church. Open your heart to God and let him lead you to baptism. Then you can find a husband suitable for you.”
“Suitable for me?” She shook her head. “Why do I need to join the church to find a suitable husband?”
He blew out a sigh as if she were the most frustrating person he’d ever met. “You need to find an Amish man. That’s what your mamm would want.”
She flinched as if he’d slapped her. “How dare you bring Mamm into this? How do you know she would have disapproved of Drew?”
“Because she would want you to be Amish, Cindy,” he said. “We both wanted our kinner to stay in the church and raise families in the faith. That’s what we’re called to do.”
Dat stood, and his expression clouded. “You’re forbidden from seeing him. I’ve already told him to stay away. I expect you to respect my wishes.”
Cindy stared up at him, her words trapped in her throat. She clenched her teeth against the pain, and as her father exited her room, she felt as if a hole had been punched in her chest. She had lost Drew forever, and nothing she could do would fix this.
Closing her eyes, she hugged the quilt to her chest and sobbed.
eleven
Cindy ran her fingers over the log cabin quilt as the humid August breeze swept in from the window next to her sewing table. For weeks—a little more than a month—she’d spent at least an hour each evening working on this quilt before she went to bed. And now it was finally finished.
She moved her fingers over the intricate stitches and blocks of different shades of gray and blue. The quilt was beautiful, possibly even the best she’d ever made, but that did nothing to weaken the permanent frown on her face.
She’d tried to move on after losing Drew. She’d thrown herself into her chores and then her sewing projects, but nothing helped to heal her shattered heart. She still cried herself to sleep every night and begged God to help her convince her father that Drew was a worthy friend. Not that she ever discussed Drew with her family. She kept her feelings locked away in her heart, away from the critical eyes of her family members.
“Cindy?”
Cindy turned toward the doorway as her older sister walked in. “Laura. What are you doing here?”
“We haven’t had much time to talk at church for too long, so I wanted to visit with you.” Laura sat down in a chair beside her and rested her hands on her protruding belly, which had, of course, grown larger.
“Where are Mollie and Alice?” Cindy asked.
Laura pointed toward the window. “They’re playing at Kayla’s. I thought maybe we could go over there when we’re done here.”
Cindy studied Laura’s pretty face in search of a lie. It was Tuesday, and Cindy rarely saw her sisters during the week, unless they were planning a sisters’ day, which would consist of working on a big sewing or baking project together. Most likely Laura had an ulterior motive for this visit. It wasn’t just a friendly chat.
“Why are you looking at me like that?” Laura’s laugh made her sound nervous.
“Why are you really here?”
“Just to see you.” Laura crossed her ankles and settled back in the chair. “Florence invited me to stay for supper, so Allen is going to join us later.”
“Florence invited you?” Cindy leaned forward. “Why would Florence invite you over?”
“Because she wanted to see me, I suppose.” Laura’s eyes moved to the quilt in Cindy’s lap, and she gasped. “Did you make that?”
“Ya.” Cindy looked down and ran her fingers over her creation once again.
“May I see it?” Laura reached for it, and Cindy gave it to her. Her sister moved
one finger over the stitches and her blue eyes widened. “This is exquisite. I think it’s your best work.”
Cindy shrugged.
“How long did it take you to make it?”
Cindy rubbed her chin and considered it. She had started a couple of weeks before she met Drew in town and had lunch with him—the last time she’d seen him. Her throat felt full and she tried to clear past the messy knot of emotion gathering there.
“I guess it took about six weeks.” Her voice sounded like sandpaper.
“Wow.” Laura clicked her tongue. “Mamm would be so proud of you.”
“Would she?” Cindy snorted as all the resentment toward her family members came to the surface.
“What does that mean?” Laura’s expression transformed into a frown.
“Why are you really here, Laura?” Cindy took the quilt back and folded it. “Did Florence tell you I have feelings for an Englisher? Did she ask you to come over and explain to me why my life is so much better now that Drew isn’t a part of it? Is that why you’re really sitting here with me?” Her words felt so tight that she had to force them out. “Tell me the truth, Laura.”
Laura’s mouth worked, but nothing escaped past her lips.
“I knew it.” Ice and fire burned in Cindy’s chest. “If you’re here to tell me I should be froh, then you can leave.” She pointed to the door. “Just go.”
“Wait.” Laura quietly reached over and touched Cindy’s hand. “Talk to me. I’m your schweschder. You used to tell me everything. Why did you stop talking to me? Why haven’t you told me what you’ve been going through? When I see you at church, you say you’re all right, but I can tell you aren’t.”
Cindy looked down at the quilt. “You’d never understand how I feel.” Her words came out harsher than she intended.
“Why don’t you give me a chance to try?”
Cindy sighed and then looked up. “I have feelings for Drew Collins, the farmhand who works for the Lapps. We have a connection you would never grasp. Dat has forbidden me from seeing him. It’s been more than a month, and I feel like my heart breaks more every day that passes.”
