by Nyrae Dawn
The urge to reach for him hits me again, but I definitely can’t now. I don’t want to, I don’t want to, I don’t want to. “You shouldn’t have come.”
“I know. You had to know I would.”
I look down at our legs leaning next to each other. “I also shouldn’t have wanted you to. We both know I did though.”
“I didn’t.”
You didn’t? How can you not know?
That pain in my chest hits me again and I wonder if it’s not because of my surgery—if it’s not because some stupid fucking night out broke something in my heart. Possibly took away who I am. Maybe the pain will always be there because of losing Alec. My torn artery, or whatever the hell it is, is nothing compared to that.
“Alec . . .”
“Don’t. We’re not doing this right now. I came here because you were hurt, not so I can try and pull useless words out of you. We both know regardless of what either of us says or how we might or might not feel, it doesn’t change anything.”
He’s right. And I know that’s mostly my fault.
“But I’m glad you’re here. I just want . . .”
“When we’re alone, it’s like nothing else matters, right? Fuck everyone else.” I hold the back of Alec’s neck, liking the way my hand fits there.
“Fuck ’em,” he adds, touching my hair.
It’s the only time I really feel like me. Where I’m most comfortable and can do or say whatever I want. I’m just me. No games. No fronts. Only Brandon.
“Do you need to take any of these, or anything?” Alec’s words rip me from the memory.
“The pain meds.”
“Why didn’t you tell me you were hurting?” Alec looks through the bottles and grabs my Vicodin. He opens it and shakes one into my hand. “I’ll get you some water.”
After grabbing the cup from the table, he heads toward the door, and this stupid ridiculous fear surges through me. “That bathroom’s good. You can get it from there.” Don’t go.
He turns, nods, and then goes to my bathroom, walking out a couple seconds later with the glass full of water. After I take the pill, he puts it back down.
“Thanks for coming, man.” It feels like such a nothing, thing to say. It doesn’t say the half of what I want it to.
Alec shakes his head like he gets it.
“I need to clean my incision. My parents should be home any time too. They said around seven and they’d bring dinner. If I don’t do it now, my mom will try to do it for me. I know she wants to help, but she’s driving me crazy. I wish I had my own place out here.”
“You still in the dorms back at school?” Alec asks.
“No. I have a little apartment. You?”
“Me too. It’s like thirty minutes from Lakeland Village. Want me to help you back to the bathroom?”
“I think I can do it.” He flinches as though I hit him.
Slowly, I get to my feet. It’s just as slow for me to get to the bathroom, Alec right next to me the whole time. “I have no appetite, so I’m losing weight and getting weak. My wound burns and itches all the time.” I don’t know why I say those things to him, because I haven’t said them to anyone else.
“It won’t last forever. You’ll be kicking ass in no time.”
I don’t reply to that, because I’m not sure how. It takes my fingers a couple tries to get each button on my shirt undone. Alec stands next to me. Even though I’m not looking at him, I feel his eyes and I wonder if I should ask him to leave. But then, why should I? It’s only my shirt.
I wish I knew why I was standing here with him. Why I let him in when I don’t want to see anyone else or why I let him help me, when it pisses me off with other people. Why I whispered those fears about not playing that I keep locked away from even my brother. But then, it’s always been like that when it’s just us.
When I get the last button undone, I look at Alec, his eyes on my chest.
“No staples?” he asks, eying me.
“There’s stuff inside holding me together.” Really I don’t feel together at all. Slightly weak, I lean against the wall.
“The tape?” Alec asks.
“Stays on.” He nods and then turns on the water. Grabs one of the folded washcloths off the shelf.
“This soap?” He points to a bottle and I nod.
Alec sets down the washcloth and washes his hands before wetting the rag.
“What are you doing?” My voice is raspy.
I know what he’s doing.
“It’s not a big deal. Your brother would do it. Your mom would do it. I’m just helping.”
But to me, it’s a big deal. A big fucking deal even though I wish it wasn’t. Or maybe I don’t wish that. It’s so hard to keep it all straight. I don’t know how to be gay and play ball. I don’t know how to be the player I’ve grown up thinking I am, if I’m into someone who’s not a woman. But I don’t wish Alec gone either. It’s strange to even think of never having met him.
I flinch when the warm cloth touches my chest.
“Am I hurting you?”
“I’m not going to break,” I bite out, frustrated. My mind has always been weak, but not my body.
The wall holds me up, while Alec washes my incision. It doesn’t last any more than a minute before he’s done. There’s a hamper in the corner and he tosses the washcloth in.
He goes to walk away, but I reach for his arm. “I’m sorry.” I don’t have to tell him why, and I know he gets it. Sorry for walking away so long ago, sorry everything has changed, and that I’ll probably never be who he needs me to be. Who I am?
I’ve always been a ball player. But am I still? Will I be after this?
“I know you’re sorry. And you should be.”
He doesn’t move. Doesn’t walk away and I don’t let go. And for the first time since I woke up from surgery, maybe the first time since that last day in the woods, I don’t feel alone. I fucking hate it and love it at the same time.
“I’m seeing someone,” he says and my grip on him tightens. “And they want to be there for me all the way, and I’ve been trying to let ’em.”
The burning and the itching in my chest increases. He’s telling me what he’s supposed to, but I want him to take the words back.
“Good . . . that’s good . . . what’s her name?”
Alec looks at me funny and I know. I fucking know, but I don’t know why I didn’t expect it.
“Him. His name is Logan and he wanted to go home with me last night.”
The breath is snatched from my lungs. My legs shake. If the wall wasn’t holding me up, I would have hit the ground. He’s doing it. He’s really fucking doing it and I’m proud of him and jealous of him. And I want to kill Logan.
When we first met, Alec looked up to me. It makes me sound like an asshole because I liked how he admired me. Liked that I was a year older and he wanted to do what I did and be like I was. Maybe even that first summer it was because I knew he was different. Because I respected him and thought I could be more than just a good ballplayer and the guy girls wanted, if he saw more in me.
But now, or maybe always, it’s me looking up to him, wishing I could be like him because he’s so much stronger than I ever could be.
“That’s good,” I say again, but it’s not. It’s so fucking not.
My grip eases off his wrist right as Alec’s cell beeps. He pulls it out of his pocket and steps away. “Charlie texted. She said your parents will be home within five minutes.”
I nod.
Alec’s gone. Football could be gone. What’s left of Brandon?
“I’m going to change my shirt. Tell them I’ll let ’em know when I’m ready to come down for dinner. They won’t even let me take the stairs by myself.”
“Okay.” Alec takes a couple steps, pauses and I think he’s going to turn back, but he doesn’t. He just walks away, like he did last time we saw each other. Only this time, it’s not because I made him go. This time, it’s because he has something to go to. Or
rather, someone.
“Brandon! You know I don’t like you to take the stairs by yourself! What if your legs got weak and you fell?” Mom shrieks when I get downstairs.
“Though we’re glad you came down tonight,” Dad adds. Because I don’t come downstairs. Maybe only a couple times since I’ve been home.
“They did surgery on my chest, not my legs. I’m fine.”
“Brandon—”
“Mom, he’s good. Lay off him, okay?” Nate tells her. She sighs and smiles.
“You’re right. I’m sorry. I know I need to give you space. Pretty soon you’re going to be gaining strength and you’ll be back on that football field where you belong.” Another smile.
Do I? Do I really belong there?
“Yep. You know it.” I grin, showing them how determined I am. Trying to show them I know something I don’t have a clue about.
I keep my eyes off Alec, because he’ll know. His eyes will tell me he does.
“It was so nice of you to come, Alec. It’s been so long since we’ve seen you. You’ve always been such a good friend to the boys. All those summers when we went to Virginia and stayed at The Village and then being here for them when I was in the hospital with Joshua.”
Actually, Mom, he was more than my friend. He snuck to my bed when you were worrying my brother wouldn’t make it. He’s the only guy I’ve ever kissed. And it felt better than kissing any girl ever did.
Alec shrugs. “They would have done the same for me.”
But he’s looking at me.
We all eat dinner together and Mom and Dad keep saying how happy they are that I’m downstairs and how good I look. Dad asks about my teammates and says I’m lucky because I have a lot of time to recuperate before football next year.
The crazy part is, I know he says it because he thinks it’s the right thing. He’s a professor. He’s not into sports. He’d rather I was smart like Nate, but we both know I’m not. The only thing I’m really good at is ball.
I don’t eat much because nothing feels right or tastes right. Mom tries to get me to eat more, but I can’t. When I say I’m tired, so do Nate and Charlotte. She stays in his room. It’s not like we’re not old enough and they’ll be getting an apartment together next year in between Vassar and Columbia where they each go to school.
But it’s not the same for me. I’d never have the balls to grab Alec’s hand like Nate does with Charlotte, and to lead him to my room.
Even if I could, he has Logan now.
“You know where the spare room is right?” Mom asks Alec.
“Actually, I’m going to get him some blankets. He’s going to take the couch in Brandon’s room. They made me grab them some stupid movie from the Redbox that Charlotte and I don’t want to see.” Nate looks at me like he’s doing me this huge favor.
“Oh . . . okay. That makes sense, I guess.” Mom’s eyebrows pull together.
Hours later, we’re lying in my dark room. Alec’s on the couch, me in my bed. My eyes are wide open. Sleep doesn’t have a chance of coming.
“Brand?” Alec’s voice breaks through the night.
“Yeah?” I’m anxious, but I don’t know what for, or what I want him to say.
“Never mind.”
The one thing I do know is that’s not what I wanted to hear.
Chapter Three
Alec
I leave Brandon’s room before he wakes in the morning. It was weird staying in there last night. I know Nate probably thought he was doing Brandon a favor, but he wasn’t.
I take my bag with me when I go.
Charlie’s downstairs when I get there. She looks up at me from the couch, this strange, unreadable look in her eyes. I used to know everything about her. She knew almost everything about me too. Then Brand and Nate came and everything changed for both of us.
Her voice is hopeful when she says, “I told Nate I wanted to spend a few hours with you today. I thought maybe we could go into the city.”
“Cool. I kind of need to get out of here.”
Charlie nods, more sadness on her face.
I take a quick shower and then get dressed. Before going downstairs, I stall at Brandon’s door for a second, wondering if I should go in and check on him, but I don’t. It’s too awkward and I’m not in the mood for that right now. Charlie’s waiting for me again, while Nate sits on the ground playing with Joshua.
There was a time Nate would have been pissed about us leaving alone together, but I guess knowing I’ve been pining after his brother since I was fifteen changes that.
We make small talk on the way to the train station, but I know something’s coming. After we board and we’re in our seats, she asks, “How’d it go last night? I mean . . . I know it has to be hard, because of everything.”
I shrug. “It went as good as it could.”
“He has three friends in from Ohio for the weekend and he’s had us make excuses so he didn’t have to see them. He hasn’t eaten dinner downstairs once since he’s been home, yet he let you in without complaint and he spent the evening with his family last night. You might not see it, but that means something, Alec. I’m sorry if it hurt you, but I want you to know, you helped give his family some peace of mind. You must have given some to Brandon too.”
Dropping my head against the seat, I tell her, “Not enough to make it matter. Not to him.”
She leans her head on my shoulder. “I don’t understand it. I know he loves you. I know it. Why is it so hard for him?”
“You can’t understand because you haven’t experienced it. It’s easy for people to say when they haven’t lived it. And maybe it’s easy for some people to do but . . .”
“You’d do it.”
“How do you know that? I still haven’t come out to anyone.”
“But you would, wouldn’t you? If you could be with Brandon?”
I shrug. “Yeah, I think I would, but that doesn’t mean anything. It’s simple to say, I could do this, I could do that, but a whole hell of a lot harder when you actually have to.”
Charlie puts her arm through one of mine, hugging it, making me realize I missed having my best friend around. “I want you happy. Is there . . . I mean, have you? Is there anyone else?”
I laugh. She can hardly say it. I’m the same way, even with her. “I love you, Charlie, but I don’t know if I can talk about this with you.”
“You can talk about anything with me. We used to bathe together. I think that means we can share anything with each other.”
I shake my head. “Not really. A fling maybe, but that’s all.”
“A guy?”
“Yeah.”
“It’s hard on Nate. He doesn’t understand and Brandon doesn’t say anything. If you hadn’t told me when he called everything off, we never would have known.”
The soft, probing tone in her voice, tells me exactly what she’s doing. She wants me to tell her something, but no matter what, there’s no way I can break Brandon’s trust by telling them all his fears about coming out. How could I make her understand anyway? How would she get that he feels like football is all he’s ever been good at. That it’s what he thinks his dad is proud of him for. Not that his dad’s all that into sports but because it gave Brandon something to excel at. That he’s so scared of who he is that he made himself believe football is all he is, because it’s easier that way.
“I can’t, Charlie.”
She sighs. “I knew you’d say that. You’re the most loyal person I know, Alec.”
There’s nothing really to say to that, so I don’t reply. For the rest of the ride into the city, we talk about other stuff. School, her and Nate’s plans to go back to Lakeland Village this summer, like they always do. Her dad has MS. It was a tough time because he’d been working at their lake resort since he was a teenager. His wife left him and Charlie’s older sister, Sadie, went with her and then Charlie wanted college instead of her family lake cabins. He’s doing better though. He’s in a wheelchair now, but he’s also h
appier than he’s ever been. He’s engaged to a woman who really loves him. My parents also became partners with him and work there as well.
We don’t stay in New York City too long and then we’re on our way back to their house. The train ride back is even quieter than the one in. I’m sure the only reason we went in the first place is because Charlie wanted to try and talk to me about Brandon. It sucks that we don’t know what to say to each other anymore.
Counting both train rides, we were only gone from the house a little over five hours.
Nate picks us up at the station. “Hey man . . . I thought you should know, Brandon’s friends from school are here.”
Automatically I tense up. Then I get pissed at myself because what’s the big deal? I’m like Brandon and his friends. I play ball and talk shit and everything else. When Brandon and Nate used to come to Lakeland Village, he hung out with my friends and it didn’t matter. We always had some kind of game going or were camping or fishing and it was never a big deal. All it is is hanging out.
But today we’re seeing the people Brand’s always been freaked out about. His teammates. The ones who don’t know shit about him, but he pretends they do.
“I’m sure it’s because they’re leaving tomorrow and he feels bad that they came all this way.” Nate catches my eye in the rearview mirror and I laugh.
“Holy shit, I must be acting funny if you’re trying to make me feel better. You hate me.”
“I don’t hate you, man. Not anymore. I’m not going to say I didn’t used to, but now . . .”
I turn away, hoping he’ll shut up. What’s he going to say? But now I’m the one who’s into his brother? The one who’s following him around like a goddamned puppy dog or something?
“It’s not a big deal,” I mumble. The conversation ends there.
When we get there, Brandon’s mom is out in the garden. She tells us Joshua is asleep. I guess their dad is at work, which makes sense.
“Brandon’s in the living room with his friends. It’s so good to see,” she tells Nate. “He’s acting like he’s back to his old self.”
