A Slow Ruin

by Pamela Crane

  I swerved to the side of the road. I wasn’t moving until I had answers.

  “If I tell you the truth, I don’t want you to be angry with me.”

  “Spit it out!” I yelled. “This is my daughter we’re talking about!”

  “Okay, okay. Marin and I talked to Austin already.”

  “What?” I put the car in park. I was shaking too hard to trust my limbs. A red-hot fury overcame me, and before I could control the impulse, I reached out and slapped him across the face.

  “You and Marin spoke to my daughter’s boyfriend and didn’t tell me? How long have you known about Austin?”

  Cody held up his hands apologetically. “I swear, Felicity, I wasn’t trying to hide anything from you. Apparently Vera had told Marin about him in confidence, and when we talked to him, he didn’t know anything anyway. He and Vera had broken up and he hadn’t even seen her the night she disappeared. So there was nothing to tell. I promise if there was something to tell, I would have told you.”

  “Whether it’s something worth telling or not isn’t up to you to decide when it’s my daughter missing, Cody. You should have told me.”

  Even in the dark my handprint lingered on his cheek. But I wasn’t sorry about it. He deserved so much worse than a slap on the face after keeping this from me.

  “I know. Marin was worried you’d turn him over to the cops for no reason and he’d end up getting in trouble for something he didn’t do.”

  “I don’t want to hear your excuses.” My stomach churned. This secret was too big, it threatened to detonate my heart. “You know what hurts worse than your deception? The fact that Vera told Marin about having a boyfriend, but not me, her own mother.”

  Then…boom! I felt it explode. Tears and snot and sobs all at once, a tsunami of motherhood failure.

  “But that’s what daughters do, Felicity. They keep secrets from their parents and confide in their friends.”

  “Why was Marin her friend but not me? Why couldn’t I have been both to Vera—parent and friend? I always tried to be that person she could tell anything to.”

  “I know you did, but it doesn’t always work that way. Kids are complicated. We all need something that is just ours. Even teenage girls who love their mothers.”

  In a way I understood this, a little too well. I had kept my own secret all this time, and I couldn’t tell a single soul, not even with Vera’s life on the line. But that time of secrecy was coming to an end. It was jail or finding Vera. As a mother, the choice was being made for me, because I would always come in last. And I was okay with that, if only I could know with certainty that the kids would be okay—if Sydney could survive—without me.

  “I guess you’re right,” I conceded.

  “I’m so sorry, Felicity,” Cody pleaded. “I didn’t think.”

  “I know, but I can’t forgive you for not telling me. Not yet.”

  Wiping my face with my sleeve, I pulled out from the curb and drove the rest of the way in angry silence, my thoughts restless with questions about what Blythe knew, what Oliver knew, what Cody knew. And what else they weren’t telling me.

  By the time we arrived at Austin’s house, my brain turned numb from overthinking. My body slipped into autopilot as I walked to the front door, Cody trailing in the dark behind me. Questions rattled around in my skull as I knocked. When the door swung open, I gasped. One look at his face and everything crashed down around me.

  Chapter 16

  Felicity

  “You!” I jabbed a finger at the boy secure behind a screen door, a dazed veil over his eyes like I had wakened him. I hoped I had.

  I would have recognized that deviant face anywhere. That smug curl of his lips. Those cruel, piercing eyes. That wiry mutt-brown hair. The boy called Austin Miller. But back in fourth grade he went by Lee.

  “You’re Lee Miller, the psychopath who bullied Vera so badly she had to switch elementary schools!”

  “What? Who are you?” He looked wounded, but I was only just getting started.

  “I’m Vera’s mother. And I want to know why you preyed on her after the damage you already caused her back in elementary school.”

  “No, ma’am, I never—”

  But it wasn’t his turn to speak. It was mine. “I’m guessing word got around about you so much that you had to change your name?”

  “Ma’am, Lee is my middle name. I go by Austin now, and I adored Vera.”

  “Bull. Don’t lie to me and pretend you have feelings for her after what you did. You scarred her for life.”

  “I apologized years ago, and I would never hurt her again. I was just a stupid kid back then, but we moved on from that.”

  “Moved on?” This kid was unbelievable! “You think an apology and a new identity make it all better? Her year was a living hell after you got the whole class chanting, ‘Vera, Vera, don’t go near ya.’ A sorry doesn’t fix that. She cried daily because of you. For months!”

  “I know, and I—”

  “Spare me your excuses. I just want to know if you tricked her into dating you so that you could finish the job. Was that the plan—pretend to like her then take advantage of her kind spirit and break her heart?”

  Austin reached for the screen, ready to step outside.

  “Stop right there,” I demanded. I searched behind me for Cody, who hung back near the edge of the stoop in the dark. “Don’t you come near me. I know what you’re capable of.”

  Austin released the door handle and dropped his hand to his side. “Look, Mrs. Portman, I am not the same kid I was back then. My dad had just gotten thrown in jail, and my mom was in a bad state. I hated myself, and I took it out on Vera, and I’m sorry for that. If it makes you feel better, I got kicked out of school and held back. But I always felt terrible for what I did to her. It’s why I went to her personally to apologize. That’s actually when we first started being friends.”

  Empathy wormed its way through me. A tiny little burrow.

  “I thought you were boyfriend and girlfriend.”

  “Eventually, yes. But we started off as friends in middle school…and it kind of grew from there.”

  “So what happened? I understand you broke up.”

  “Yeah, we realized we were better off as friends.”

  I knew what that meant. “That’s not what I heard. I heard you were pressuring Vera to have sex and treating her poorly.”

  Austin scoffed. “Who told you that? Blythe? That’s not what happened at all. It was a mutually agreeable breakup. We both wanted to end the relationship.”

  I doubted that. No hormone-amped teens approached a breakup with such amicability. “Who first had this revelation—you or Vera?”

  “Why does it matter? Do you think I’d hurt Vera for breaking up with me?”

  “I don’t know. Would you?”

  “No! Never. I loved her, but she was also my best friend. I only wanted what was best for her, and I know I wasn’t it. She’s brilliant and beautiful and funny and has money and a future…while I’m just…well, nothing like her. But we were still friends after the breakup. Sure, I was still in love with her, but I had no reason to hurt her.”

  All this talk about this tormentor’s love for my daughter made my skin crawl.

  “Did Vera ever talk about anything that might give you an idea of where she went?”

  “No, I don’t think so. Look, like I told Miss Marin, I wasn’t home the night she dropped Vera off here, so I didn’t see anything. I don’t know why Vera came here, or where she really went.”

  My brain was buzzing with too many facts all at once. “Wait. I don’t understand. What do you mean? Did Marin bring Vera here the night she disappeared?”

  “Yeah, Miss Marin dropped her off out front, but like I told her, I wasn’t home. I have no idea where Vera went after that.”

  “As you’ve said several times,” Cody interjected.

  Austin’s attention flashed to Cody, eyes na
rrowing in on him. “Because it’s the truth.”

  One fact kept blinking in front of me, demanding my attention: Marin was the last person to see Vera alive. How could she not tell me? Not tell the police? Vera’s last known location was in this very spot, Austin’s house, and my sister-in-law brought her here and said nothing while we frantically searched for clues, for anything that could help us find her.

  A million thoughts crisscrossed my mind, but only one surfaced to my lips. “Vera was supposed to be babysitting that night.” I turned to Cody, as if he could answer for his wife. “How could Marin have allowed Vera to leave her little brother and sister home alone and take her to her ex-boyfriend’s house? And why wouldn’t Marin have made sure Vera got safely inside the house before leaving? You always make sure a person gets inside before leaving! Vera would still be here if Marin hadn’t left her on the street alone!”

  Cody looked at me helplessly. “I don’t know, Felicity. Vera’s a teenager, and clearly she didn’t want Marin to know where she was sneaking off to. You can’t blame Marin for what Vera did.”

  “Why are you defending Marin? My daughter is missing because of her! Vera could be dead because of her!”

  It was my worst fear. The one thing I couldn’t accept, the one ending to this awful, tragic story that I couldn’t face had slipped out on my tongue: dead.

  “Mrs. Portman, it’s not Miss Marin’s fault.” Austin’s soft voice just barely cut through my raging thoughts.

  I turned on him. “How would you know?”

  He shifted nervously. “Because Vera told me a few days before that her family had been lying to her about her sister, and she needed time to process it. I don’t know what exactly that meant, because she wouldn’t go into detail, but whatever it was, it had been bothering her for a while.”

  Vera must have found out about Sydney. Overheard a conversation. Saw a medical bill. Pieced together all the appointments and suspected what we were going to ask her to do: save her sister’s life.

  “What exactly did she say to you? It’s important I know everything, Austin.” I needed him to understand this was life-or-death, not just for Vera, but for Sydney too.

  Austin thought for a moment. “She told me she found out something about her sister and she was really upset about it, like crying and feeling deceived. She called it a big family secret that you kept from her. It was one of her reasons for breaking up, that she needed time to figure stuff out. But then she didn’t bring it up again until right before she went missing.”

  “Figure what out? And where would she have gone for ‘answers’?”

  “I don’t know, ma’am. Vera was pretty closed off about it all. I don’t know what was going on, but she felt like her family life was more messed up than mine, and that’s saying a lot.”

  This couldn’t be true. Vera was a happy girl. Had she really said such awful things about her family who would do anything for her? And I mean anything.

  I heard her before I saw her, a woman’s voice gravelly from chain-smoking and slurred from alcohol. “What the hell’s goin’ on here? Austin, who you talkin’ to? Better not be someone come to take you back to that group home.”

  The woman wore obscenely tight leopard-print leggings and a black sweatshirt with the slogan If the South Woulda Won, We’d Have It Made, which told me everything I needed to know about her. A toddler followed at her heels. I took a couple of cautionary steps backwards as the woman brought the soggy butt of a Virginia Slims to her mouth, took a long drag, and pooched out her bottom lip to expel a jet of smoke over her frowzy head. My nostrils flared, smelling the noxious medley of menthol and Wild Turkey.

  “No, Mom, it’s Vera’s mother,” Austin answered.

  Her eyes darted to Cody. “And you—I know you! I don’t know why you’re back here, but you need to get the hell off my property.”

  “I’m talking to your son about my daughter Vera,” I tried to explain.

  But she wasn’t having it. The screen door swung open, banging against the vinyl siding. She poked her nicotine-stained finger against my chest. “I said Get. The. Hell. Off. My. Property.”

  Cody stepped between us, pushing her back with his puffed-out chest. “Ma’am, we’re not doing anything but talking.”

  The stubby gorgon stood on her tiptoes, her chin nearly resting on Cody’s pecs. “Enough talk! Unless you want to do it with the barrel of my gun pointed at your head.”

  “Is that a threat?” Cody spouted. “How about I involve the cops in this conversation?” He pulled out his cell phone, finger ready to dial.

  I grabbed his arm, dragging him away before this got out of hand.

  “Cody, just stop. Let’s go.” He resisted me as a duel rose between them. “Please, there’s no need to involve the police. We’re leaving.”

  “Damn right!” the woman yelled as I fumbled down the last step of the porch. “Your kid is better off dead than having you as family.”

  “I’ll kill you, you old cow!” I lunged at her, but she was surprisingly quick on her feet and jumped back as I fell forward, smacking my jaw hard against the porch floor. Cody scooped me up like a pile of wet rags. As I brushed myself off, the woman leered at me triumphantly, tapping the ash off the cancer stick she held against her chunky hip.

  “You sick woman! How could you say that to another mother? Expect a visit from the police!”

  “Bring it on, bitch!” the woman cackled. “Come on, boy.” She flicked the smoldering butt into the bushes and headed inside. Austin stood gawking, his lips mouthing an apology. “I said come on!” She cuffed his ear with the flat of her hand. Austin followed her, dragging his spindly legs like a wounded spider, while Cody hauled me toward the car.

  “The nerve of that lowlife white trash,” I seethed. “Somebody like her talking that way to somebody like me!”

  “Enough, Felicity! Calm down!”

  “You expect me to calm down after what she said? They’re probably behind Vera’s disappearance!”

  Cody nodded with a calmness that annoyed me while he nudged me in through the passenger-side door and took over the wheel.

  “Don’t listen to them. You can’t put much stock in anything they say. Clearly she’s got her own issues to deal with. Are you okay?”

  “I’m fine.” I was anything but fine, but I didn’t want to be coddled right now. I’d had enough coddling to last a lifetime. I was stronger than they knew; they just wouldn’t let me flex my muscles.

  I laid my head back against the headrest as Cody drove, allowing the silence to overtake me.

  “What big family secret about Sydney was Austin talking about?” he asked after several turns.

  Marin hadn’t told Cody. She had kept my secret for me. There was that loyalty again.

  When I didn’t answer, Cody persisted, “Is Syd Squid okay?”

  I didn’t want to think about it, let alone talk about it. But I couldn’t hide it any longer. Not after all the other secrets that seemed to haunt every person in our family. I was so sick and tired of the secrets, the betrayal, the lies. Everyone was hiding something. I had no idea who to trust or where to go anymore. Too many vaults to open, too many mazes to get lost in.

  “Sydney is sick, Cody.” I couldn’t find the words to explain it, the strength to speak it aloud. Tucked into the words was a reality I wasn’t ready to face, one I could never face. I inhaled, then tried again, holding back the tears that threatened to spill. “Dying, actually. And I don’t know how to deal with it. We found out that she has nephrotic syndrome. It’s basically kidney failure. We’ve tried treating her, but she’s not getting better. The doctors think she’d be better off with a kidney transplant than lifelong dialysis, but it’s practically impossible to find a match…until Vera tested positive as one.”

  Cody said nothing, but his expression said everything.

  “I’m supposed to ask one daughter to donate an organ to save her sister. How can I ask her to risk her
life like that? It’s an impossible situation. But apparently she already found out and made her decision…and now Sydney pays the price.”

  Finally he spoke, “Oh, Felicity, I’m so sorry. And on top of everything else…”

  “I’m cursed, Cody. Some days I feel like maybe if I just died the curse would lift, Vera would come home, Sydney would be healed, and Oliver could finally have the good life he deserved.”

  Cody rested one hand on my shoulder, the other adjusted on the steering wheel. “Hey, listen to me. You’re not cursed. I know it’s been an awful year for all of us, but we’ll do everything we can for Sydney. Hang in there, because your family needs you.”

  “What if I’m tired of being needed? That’s all I’m good for—fulfilling needs. I’m exhausted from it.”

  “I know. We’re all hurting alongside you, Felicity. But I know you, and you’re strong, even when you don’t want to be.”

  I turned toward the window, the contours of my sunken cheeks reflected in the glass as the inky river passed behind it. “You don’t understand, no one knows what it’s like to lose one child while another one slowly dies. And the only salvation for the one lies solely on the other. What am I supposed to do with that? How am I supposed to pick who is more important?”

  “So you think Vera figured out she’s a donor match and doesn’t want to save her sister’s life? And that’s why she disappeared?” Cody asked.

  It was exactly what I thought, but I never imagined she’d go to such lengths to avoid helping her family. Or saving her sister’s life.

  “I’d do anything to take this cup from her—”

  As I watched my thin lips move in my reflection, a sudden impact thrust the car forward. The earth swung around, trees spinning, water slipping out of sight, as my body was tossed forward with a loud crunching sound. The car spun off the road, crashing through the metal guardrail that divided the asphalt from a rocky cliff overlooking the river. The front end dipped precariously over the precipice, nodding toward the water.