“You still wanna kiss Josh?” Noah teased, putting his hand between their bodies and squeezing Indy’s shaft. “Seems to me you’re plenty hard.”
Indy moaned. “Who’s Josh?” he said, grinding into Noah’s hand.
“Exactly.” Noah pulled back his hand, much to Indy’s disappointment. He was even more surprised when Noah lifted him off his lap. “As much as I like this, we’re not going to have sex right now.”
“We’re not?” Indy made no effort to hide his disappointment. What the fuck? He was finally ready to let the man claim him and now Noah didn’t want him?
“No. I’m off today, and you and I are going on a date.” He got up from the stool and kissed Indy on his mouth. “As much as I want you, we’re gonna do this right. Get dressed warmly and we’ll find a nice, secluded spot for a picnic, since the weather is brisk, but beautiful.”
Indy stared at him, his mouth slightly open. “You want to take me on a picnic,” he repeated.
Noah lifted his eyebrows. “Problem?”
Indy closed his mouth, considering it. “I guess not. I’ll go get dressed.”
Josh grinned. “I’ll pack you guys some sandwiches.”
17
Noah took Indy to a spot he’d heard about from Owens, who was an avid outdoors fan: a secluded lake in the Adirondacks. The lake was a short hike from a dirt road, a distance he could just about manage considering the pain in his leg. He’d taken the prosthesis off as soon as they’d gotten to the lake, content to let Indy see the real him. He loved that they could share their scars.
It was a bright and clear day, the stark blue sky contrasting with the autumn-colored trees. The crystal clear water of the lake reflected the surrounding mountains, creating a picture many painters would be drooling over. The air hummed with birds, and the water rippled every now and then. Could be beavers, Noah thought, his eyes spotting a beaver dam on the other side of the lake. It was October at its finest; the temperature hovering in the fifties.
“It’s beautiful here,” Indy said, stretching out on the thick fleece blanket they had brought. The tight jeans stretched around his perfect legs and round ass, and it hit Noah how much better he looked compared to four weeks ago. His cheeks had filled in, a rosy color enhancing his soft, pure skin, and his body showed four weeks of healthy eating.
“This time of year it is. Between June and the end of August, the bugs will eat you alive.”
“Did you grow up in this area?”
“No, I’ve lived everywhere. Army brat, remember? I even spent two years in Germany as a kid. Hated it. Met Josh when my dad got transferred to DC and we moved to a suburb in Maryland. Josh and I only moved here ‘cause I got that job at Albany General.”
“Germany? Wow. I can’t even imagine what that must have been like.”
“It was okay. It’s an American base there, so I had little contact with German kids. I learned some German, but it’s all gone. If you learn a language as a kid but stop speaking it before you’re ten or so, you forget it again.”
Indy’s eyes widened. “Really? I never knew.”
Noah nodded. “The brain is weird that way. I became a Patriots fan in Germany, by the way.”
Indy’s brows shot up. “I never even wondered about that. Growing up in Boston, I never had a choice. It’s Pats Nation, you know. Never even realized what an odd choice it is for you and Josh. How come?”
Noah smiled at the fun memories bubbling up in his brain. “My dad wasn’t into football. On the base in Germany, I became friends with this kid from Western Massachusetts, Robby. His dad was the biggest football fan ever, and of course he supported the Patriots. Hanging out with Robby, I sorta got into it and cheered for their team. The Pats have had my loyalty ever since. And since they were from Boston, I became a Red Sox fan, too. When Josh and I started hanging out, he got into it as well. More to please me at first, but now he’s as much of a fan as I am.”
“Well, I’m glad Robby was a Pats fan. Had he been from Texas, you and I would have had a wicked serious problem.”
Indy rolled on his stomach, his face morphing to serious, and studied Noah for a few seconds. “Why did you enlist?” he asked. “You said it was never your dream.”
Noah sighed. Even thinking about his mom made him sad all over again. “My mom died two months before my graduation. She had breast cancer. When she died, I kind of lost my way. Got blind drunk for a while, woke up not remembering where I was or how I’d gotten there. My mom, she had tried to support me best as she could in what I wanted, but my dad didn’t give a shit. He wanted me to become a career soldier, like himself. I didn’t know how to stand up to him, so I signed up to become an army medic. Did my basic training, then did medical training in Texas. In the field, I took more courses and gained a ton of experience. Graves, my CO, liked me, liked my work, so he recommended me for the physician assistant program, which I had just completed when I got blown up. He helped me transfer to a civilian hospital as a PA.”
“So what did you want to do?”
Noah hesitated. He had never told anyone else but Josh. “I wanted to be a psychologist. Maybe even a psychiatrist. Too late now.”
Indy nodded. “It suits you. You read people like a book.”
Noah shrugged, happy with his praise. “Like I said, too late now.”
“Why? You don’t love what you’re doing now,” Indy said. “No, don’t deny it, it’s true. You like it, because you like helping people, but you don’t love it. It wears you out, and it’s more than the physical aspect. You’re drained after a shift.”
Indy was so right. Noah had realized it more and more the last few weeks. Something had to change, because he wasn’t sure how long he could do this anymore.
“I’m not the only one who can read people,” he said, touched that Indy had seen it, seen him. He sighed, a long heavy sigh. “It’s the adrenaline. I’ve had years and years of it, and it breaks me. Plus, the standing and walking is hard on my wounds.”
“So quit.”
“Just like that, huh? And what would we live on?”
“What, you and Josh?”
“Josh, me…you. Somebody has to pay the mortgage, you know.”
“That’s a patronizing remark. I don’t need you to pay anything for me. I can take care of myself.”
The anger was palpable in Indy’s voice, and his eyes were blazing. He was right, of course. “I know. I don’t mean to insult you, Indy, I swear, but it’s how I’m wired. I take care of people.”
“I don’t need you to take care of me,” Indy said.
Noah sighed. “I know. But maybe you could let me, just a little?”
Indy bit his lip, apparently thinking about it. “Why isn’t Josh working, is it because of his PTSD?”
“Josh was in a bad place after I got hurt, and he was in no shape to work. Plus, in all fairness, I needed someone to help me, so it worked out well for both of us. He likes being home, so I’m not sure if he’ll ever want to get a job. I won’t pressure him.”
“What did he do in the army?”
“He was a sharpshooter…a sniper. And a damn good one. He seldom missed and had the patience of Job to get his target. But killing people like that, even when they’re enemies, it’s personal. It’s taken a toll. He hasn’t found a good way yet to live with it.”
“Why did he even enlist? He seems like the least likely candidate.”
A wave of guilt hit Noah. “For me. He did it for me. I had made up my mind to enlist, and he went with me. Fuck, I leaned so hard on him after my mom died. He was my best friend, was always there for me. He was my wingman when I’d go out to get drunk, always made sure I got home safe, even cleaned up after I puked my guts out. He took care of me even then.”
Something flashed over Indy’s face, as if what Noah was saying wasn’t news to him. What had Josh shared with him already?
“Don’t you think he maybe did it for himself, to stay as close to you as possible?” Indy asked.
“No. Maybe. I don’t know. It was messed up, and I was furious with him for enlisting, yet relieved at the same time.”
Indy frowned. “If you don’t have good memories of your time in the Army, why are you both still wearing dog tags?”
Indy was so perceptive. It was one of the character traits Noah admired about him. He truly listened. “Josh was advised to wear them, because of his PTSD. If something were to happen to him, they’d know who he was. Plus, like you experienced, if he acts strange and people see the tags, they’re more likely to be understanding. Since he had to wear them, I wanted to as well. Solidarity, and all that.”
“Was it hard for Josh, serving?”
Noah’s face hardened. “No. Surprisingly enough, he did really well. He liked the routine. And as I said, he was damn good at what he did. But he should’ve never signed up, with him being gay. The army wasn’t a safe place for him, and he got hurt because of me.”
Bile rose in his throat. It was his fault. Without his stupid decision to join the army, Josh would have never signed up, would have never been in that fuck-awful place, would have never gotten—he couldn’t even wrap his mind around it, couldn’t fathom soldiers doing that to a brother-in-arms.
“What happened?”
Indy’s voice was soft, warm. Noah hid his face in his hands. He didn't want to look at Indy. Hell, he wasn’t even sure if he should tell him this. Would it trigger bad memories? Was it even his place to share Josh's story, when Josh himself could barely talk about it? Shit, what good would it even do? Once he told him, Indy would never look at him the same. He'd recognize it was his fault Josh got hurt.
“Noah.” Indy’s arms came around him, cradling his head. “It’s okay. You don’t have to tell me now. Wait till you’re ready.”
He hugged him back, seeking his mouth, then kissing him with a desperate urgency to forget. He wanted to feel anything else but guilt and shame over what he had done, what he had caused. Indy accepted him in, pulling him tight and kissing him back with sweetness. Noah lifted Indy on his lap and he circled his legs around Noah, his arms around Noah’s neck.
Indy was his.
Noah’s desperation eased, taken away by Indy’s sweet lips. Oh man, that tongue—he wasn’t sure if he’d learned that from Josh or not, but the slick dance Indy did with his tongue in Noah’s mouth made him weak and dizzy inside, quivering with desire. He laced his fingers through Indy’s beautiful curls and pressed him close.
“This is my favorite spot for you, you know that? You belong on my lap,” Noah said after what seemed like hours of kissing. He leaned his forehead against Indy’s, his eyes closed.
“I love being here, too. It makes me feel wicked safe.”
“I will do anything to keep you safe, baby. Anything.”
Indy sighed. “The Fitzpatricks, they’re not people you want to mess with. Look at what they did to me. I wasn’t meant to survive that, you know.”
Noah’s stomach rolled at the thought of what those bastards had done to his Indy. The pain Indy must have been in, both physically and emotionally. He couldn’t even imagine. And he understood what Indy was saying. The threat was real. How could he not take it seriously after hearing Indy’s story? These guys were real-life criminals who would not hesitate to kill anyone who was a threat to them. But how could Noah not vow to protect what was his? Somehow, he’d find a way.
He kissed Indy’s nose, holding him tight. “I know, baby. I’m not being flippant about this. But I love you too much to ever let you go, so we’ll find a way for you to be safe, okay?”
Indy froze in his arms, and Noah realized what he had said.
Love.
He’d used the big L-word, had blurted out what was in his heart. And nope, he didn’t regret it one bit, since it was true. He loved Indy, loved him with every fiber of his being.
He opened his eyes and leaned back slightly so he could see Indy’s face. He stared at Noah with big eyes, his mouth slightly open.
“You love me?” he managed.
“I love you. Not as a friend, but as in I want to spend the rest of my life with you, protect you with everything I’ve got, take care of you till the day I die. That kind of I love you.”
Indy bit his lip in that adorable way he often did when he was pondering something. Noah waited. He couldn’t rush him now.
“What about Josh?” Indy asked, his eyes downcast. He was still on Noah’s lap, but he felt a thousand miles away right now.
“Don’t make me choose between you.” The thought of having to make that choice made it hard to breathe. Choosing between his best friend to whom he owed everything and this man who had managed to make him fall in love so hard and so deep—he couldn’t.
“I would never do that. I’m asking because I don’t want you to stop loving him. I don’t want to take his place.”
How had this tender heart stayed so pure despite everything that had happened to him? How did a boy who survived so much come out with his kind heart intact? He and Josh were so much alike, in that aspect.
“You could never take his place, baby. Josh is my best friend, my sanity. I don’t want to go through life without him, and he still needs me as much as I need him. But I love you, baby, as much as I love him, though in a different way. My heart is big enough for you both if you are willing to share me. I know it’s not how it’s supposed to be, but it’s all I can give.”
Noah was all too aware of his heart’s fragile state. Indy had the power to break it into pieces that could never be whole again.
Indy looked up, his eyes solemn. “Nobody has ever loved me before, so I don’t know the first thing about love, or what it’s supposed to be like. But I have little to offer you in return.”
“Do you love me?” Noah dared to ask.
“I don’t know what love feels like. What do I have to compare it with? I don’t want to hurt you—I just want to be honest. You and Josh, you make me feel safe and wanted and special. I want to be with you enough to ignore my urge to run. Is that enough?”
“How do I feel to you?” Noah asked.
“Fuck, Noah, you know what you do to me.” A delightful blush crept up Indy’s rosy cheeks.
“Tell me anyway. I want details,” Noah ordered.
Indy’s eyes narrowed, his breathing quickening. “You want details? You sure?”
A smile spread across Noah’s lips. Fuck, he was about to regret this, but he wanted it anyway. “Bring it.”
The next second he was flat on his back, Indy stretched out on top of him. Indy’s warm hands slid under Noah’s jacket and found his skin under his shirt. He brought his mouth close to Noah’s ear. “Promise me you’ll stay still.”
“I promise.”
“I love how strong you are.” Indy’s hand slid up under Noah’s shirt and found his right biceps. “Fuck, even looking at your arms makes me feel weak inside.”
Noah hummed, closing his eyes to revel in the sensation of Indy touching him. Fuck, he’d missed that touch so much. Craved it.
Indy’s hand traveled to his pecs, gently squeezing each nipple. Noah shuddered. “Your chest, damn, it’s perfect. When you hold me, I feel like there’s a strong wall around me, like a protected castle.”
His other hand came up to Noah’s cheek, rubbing his stubble, and Noah’s eyes opened. “I love how rough you are everywhere. I’m such a boy compared to you, and I love it. Makes me feel small, but in a good way.”
He kissed Noah. “You should smile more. It makes my heart stutter when you do. Your smile can light up an entire room.” Noah couldn’t help but smile at those words, and Indy let out a sigh. “Fuck, yeah, like that. Brings me to my knees, every single time.”
Noah balled his fists. He’d made a promise to stay still, and he was fighting hard to keep it, because, damn, he wanted his hands on his man. On his ass, on his cock, everywhere.
Indy dropped soft little kisses all over Noah’s face. “Those freckles of yours are totally cute. They shouldn’t fit a face like you
rs, but they do. They soften your face, make you look a tad less arrogant. Because you are arrogant as shit, you know that, right? And what’s even worse is that that fuck-you tone of yours totally turns me on.”
Noah was developing a love-hate relationship with the way Indy was worshiping his body. He loved his tender touch, his frank words, but was regretting his promise not to touch. Deep need pulsed through his veins, rushing to his cock. His balls hung heavy, thrumming with arousal. He was getting to a point where he’d have to beg Indy to back off, because he wouldn’t be able to control himself.
Right then, Indy leaned up on his elbows and pressed his crotch hard against Noah’s. “What’s doing, loverboy?” Indy teased. He wriggled his hand between them and cupped Noah’s cock. Noah raised up to push against Indy’s hand. Fuck, the man was killing him.
“You about done with the dirty talk?” he ground out through his teeth.
Indy laughed and the sound shot straight to Noah’s balls. “Just getting started.”
Noah groaned. “Fuck, kill me now, would you? Not sure how much more of this I can take.”
“I’ve got something better than killing you.”
With one swift move, Indy pushed his hand under Noah’s track pants and whipped out his cock. Before Noah could react to that unexpected move, Indy dropped off him sideways, kneeled and engulfed Noah’s cock in his mouth.
“Oh, fuck!” Noah let out, bucking his hips at the sudden sensation of his dick in a hot, wet mouth.
He pushed himself up on his elbows, wanting to make sure Indy was okay, that he was doing this for the right reasons. His gaze fell on Indy’s head, bowed over him, his curls hiding part of his face. The only part that was visible was that hot mouth around his shaft. Damn, he’d never seen anything more sexy than that.
“Indy, you don’t—Fuuuuck!”
Indy deep throated his entire cock with ease and Noah saw stars. Actual, literal fucking stars. He let out some unintelligible sounds, then moaned harder than he’d thought possible. Indy let his cock slide out a little, sucking him like a lollipop, then took him right back in. His throat engulfed Noah’s cock, and he clamped the base of Noah’s cock tight with his hand. If Indy kept this up… Damn, his balls tingled already.
No Shame: The Complete Series: Including exclusive bonus materials and deleted scenes Page 24
