Connor chuckled. “I love your ass, baby. I cannot believe you could take me. And your mouth too. You have to teach me how to give a blow job like that so I can do it to you.”
“You’d want that?”
“Hell, yes. I wanna do anything you like.”
Josh let that sink in for a moment. This was what it felt like to be with someone who was attracted to him. It was nothing short of a fucking miracle.
“A threesome with Noah?” he suggested.
Connor about choked on his breath.
4
If people had told Indy four months ago he’d be happy, he would have laughed them straight out of the room. Happy wasn’t in the cards for him. Not now, not ever. Yet every time he so much as looked at Noah, his heart was doing a fucking Irish reel.
It was the longest he’d been in one place since he started running from the Fitzpatricks. He’d relaxed, but he was still on high alert every time he stepped outside. Duncan was looking for him, and one mistake could cost him everything. Now more than ever.
He should’ve left, of course. He told himself that every single day, wearing himself out with this constant internal debate and battle. He should leave them so they’d be safe, but how could he when the mere thought took his breath away?
He’d told them everything, Noah and Josh. Little by little, he’d shared what he’d seen and done, what had been done to him. It helped. He’d never imagined how healing it was to be able to talk. Josh had turned out to be an even better listener than Noah, maybe because unlike Noah, Josh's own anger and temper didn’t get in the way. Sometimes Noah’s emotions were so volatile that Indy stopped talking, because he felt guilty for making him angry or sad. When Noah had a night shift, he and Josh would talk for hours.
Not about Josh, though—at least, not about the specifics of what had happened to him. Indy guessed, but Josh had told him he wasn’t ready to talk yet. Indy understood. How could he not? It had taken him a long time, too. Plus, Josh was an introvert by nature, unlike Indy, so that didn’t make it easy for him to verbalize his emotions in the first place.
He’d worried about Josh the last week. Something was going on, and Josh wasn’t talking. That crazy cleaning binge he’d been on today, that was not normal. Something had triggered it, but Indy had no idea what. Josh was more on his phone, exchanging messages with fuck knew who. Had Josh somehow met someone? It seemed almost impossible considering he hardly ever left the house, except for therapy and grocery shopping.
“I still think you rigged that coin toss,” Noah complained from the driver’s seat, dragging Indy out of his thoughts. They were on their way to the movie theater after a relaxed dinner in a pizzeria. Noah was driving since Indy was too scared of causing an accident or being pulled over. He still dressed like a woman most of the times he went outside, except for jiujitsu practice and running, the fear of being recognized too big.
Indy shot him a look. “Get over it. You lost fair and square, so I get to choose the movie.”
Noah let out a dramatic sigh. “Why would you want to see some sappy romantic movie when there’s an X-men movie playing? I mean, who does that?”
Indy laughed, reached out to put his hand on Noah’s thigh. “Tell me, which movie will bring me in the right mood for some fun afterward…the X-men movie that will scare the shit out of me, or a romantic movie that according to the reviews has some steamy love scenes? There’s a reason the thing is rated R, you know?”
Noah’s face lit up. “I hadn’t thought of it that way. You’re saying I will be rewarded for going to that movie with you?”
Indy snorted. “Now he’s interested. Damn, you’re so predictable. Besides, who says the reward will be for you? Maybe I’ll let you satisfy me for a change.”
Noah didn’t respond with the expected quip, so Indy cocked his head to watch him. Noah’s face was serious. Uh oh. Had he said something wrong? He thought back to his words, the joke of Noah pleasuring him. Was that how Noah felt already, like Indy was taking more than he was giving?
It was true to a certain extent. Indy still couldn’t provide what Noah needed, which was where Josh came in. But when he could, he did try to please Noah. He’d never deprived him of a release when he was able to offer one. Every time he saw Noah was in pain, he’d been there for him. Was Noah not satisfied? Indy bit his lip.
Noah’s hand covered his, still on Noah’s thigh. “Stop worrying, baby. I’m not mad at you.” His voice was soft, kind.
Indy released his lower lip. “You look a little put out,” he observed.
“This may not be the best time to talk about it,” Noah said. The fact that there was something to talk about caused Indy’s stomach to swirl uncomfortably. He'd fucked up, somehow. He’d rather know now, otherwise it wouldn’t let him go.
“Just spit it out,” he said. His voice was filled with the same angst wrecking his body.
Noah shot him a quick look sideways before refocusing his attention on the road. “Yesterday evening, when you gave me a blow job, did you want to?”
Indy frowned. What kind of question was that? “What do you mean? You came back exhausted from your shift, clearly in pain.”
Noah sighed. “Remember when we had sex for the first time? You told me you wanted me to take pleasure, to not always make it about you. You wanted me to let go of the guilt, remember?”
Indy nodded, his teeth once again in his lower lip. Where was Noah going with this?
“You were right, and I’ve tried to change my attitude. But the other way around is true as well. Indy, you can’t always make it about me. The fact that I’m tired or in pain doesn’t mean you should have sex with me or even help me find release.”
“I don’t understand,” Indy said, panic storming through his veins. What was Noah he saying? Didn't he like the sex with Indy? Was he doing something wrong? Oh, God, did he prefer Josh? For the first time, a red-hot jealousy raged in his system.
He yanked his hand from under Noah’s, crossed his arms. “So it’s okay when Josh does it, but not for me? Do you like the sex with him more?” The words flew out of his mouth, his filter obliterated in the pain and jealousy.
Noah gasped. “No! Baby, no. You’re misunderstanding me.”
Tears burned hot behind his eyes, but Indy refused to let them out. He stubbornly looked out the window, his fists clenched and his body tight with stress. If Noah was ending this, he’d damn well restrain himself from crying. He hadn’t cried when Eric had raped him, so he’d not cry over this. He’d survive, somehow.
Noah suddenly took an exit, whipping the car onto the empty parking lot of the middle school. He yanked the shift in P.
Indy’s body went on high alert. He stared at the door handle. Should he get out of the car? Noah was pissed off, so anything could happen. If he so much as touched him, he would—Noah’s hand found his shoulder, and Indy reacted on instinct. His hands came up, dragged Noah’s hand off his shoulder and bent it backwards until Noah yelped in pain. Whatever, he deserved it if he thought he could hurt Indy like this. He’d go down fighting.
“Indy, I love you. I love you, baby. I’m not angry with you. I won’t hurt you. You’re in fight mode, babe, but there’s no need. I love you, so much.”
Noah’s words washed over him, creeping into his defensive armor. Noah kept repeating them, his voice soft and warm, battering against Indy’s defenses until it registered.
Noah loves you. He isn’t angry. He isn’t hurting you.
He let go of Noah’s hand, raising his hands in surrender. A sigh filled with pain echoed through the car as Noah rubbed his hand. Oh, God, what had he done?
The adrenaline seeped out of Indy, leaving him tired, so tired. He closed his eyes, hung his head as his hands fell limp to his legs. He’d fucked up big time, hadn’t he?
“Baby,” Noah said.
The tears he’d been able to hold back earlier now pushed their way through Indy’s closed eyelids. He couldn’t look at him, couldn’t bear to witness wh
at he’d caused.
“It’s okay. I’m okay. I understand.”
How could he when Indy himself didn’t know what had come over him? Hot shame burned inside.
“Please, don’t cry. I can’t stand it when I make you cry. I love you. Please, Indy.”
Noah’s pleadings made little sense to Indy, but they rattled him enough to make him open his eyes and look at his boyfriend. Noah’s face displayed none of the anger and reproach Indy had expected to see. Instead, he sported a pained expression, but his eyes radiated with love.
“I’m sorry,” Indy whispered. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“It was my fault. I shouldn’t have started this in the car, and I damn well should’ve worded it differently. You thought I was telling you I didn’t like the sex with you, correct?”
Indy nodded, bit his lip. “Do you?”
“Yes. Fuck, yes. So much. That’s not at all what I was trying to say, and I’m so sorry.”
“I don’t understand. Why is it okay if Josh helps you find release, but not me?”
“It’s not okay with Josh either, and I realize that more and more. I’ve established this pattern where I make others do something to make me feel better—and it’s not right. What I was trying to say, was that I felt yesterday evening you weren’t in the mood for a blow job. You were tired, and I was late from work again, and you wanted to sleep. But you felt obligated to help me, and it wasn’t right. You shouldn’t feel like you have to have sex when you don’t want to, especially not you. It makes me feel like such a selfish bastard, and I don’t want to anymore. With Josh, the guilt was always there, but with you it’s unbearable. I can’t do this to you, to us.”
Every word Noah said hit home. “I hadn’t even realized I didn’t feel like it yesterday until you pointed it out,” Indy said.
“I know, baby. And I’m even more sorry if that makes you feel crappy. You’ve been programmed to attend to the needs of others before your own, out of survival instinct, and it’s a hard habit to break. I don’t want that for us. I don’t want you to ignore how you feel to please me.”
Indy smiled, a sad smile. “You would’ve been an awesome shrink,” he said.
“I’d rather be an awesome boyfriend. Promise me, baby. Promise me you’ll say no when you don’t want to do something.”
“I can promise I’ll try. But like you said, it’s so ingrained that it’s gonna be hard to break that habit.” He hesitated.
“What is it?” Noah asked. The guy really could read him like a book.
“H-how will you cope?” He wasn’t articulate, but he hoped Noah would understand him anyways.
“I don’t know, but I’ll have to find a way. I can’t be using Josh like this anymore either. He deserves more.”
Indy nodded. “He does. I would love for him to find someone, you know?”
His heart clenched painfully. God, he wanted to see Josh happy, but, he couldn’t bear the idea of losing him. If Josh would move out, it would… No, he refused to think about it.
Noah sighed, rubbed his hand again. Red spots were still visible where Indy’s fingers had dug in. “I’d hoped Connor would make a move, but I guess he chickened out.”
He’d told Indy about their conversation in the hospital, about telling Connor Josh was available. Maybe the cop had decided coming out of the closet was too big a price to pay. Indy felt bad for Josh, but he couldn’t deny he’d felt relieved. Josh cozying up with a cop from Boston was about the last thing Indy needed.
“You okay now?” Noah asked.
Indy grimaced. He’d completely overreacted. “Yeah.”
“Can I touch you?”
He nodded. Noah pushed his car seat back all the way, then held out his hands to Indy. Fuck, yes. He needed this, needed him. He climbed over the middle console and lowered himself on Noah’s lap, his back toward the driver’s window. Noah’s arms circled him, and he put his cheek on Noah’s shoulder, letting out a breath that released tension from his chest and shoulders.
“I love you,” he said.
Noah kissed his forehead. “I love you, too, baby. I’m so sorry for triggering your fight mode. But I’m proud of you for fighting me, for being assertive. It eases my mind to know that you’ll fend me off if necessary.”
The thing that had gotten him into so much trouble was what Noah praised in him. His stubbornness, his feistiness, Noah wanted him that way. Indy relaxed even more, crawling deeper into Noah’s arms. The sensation of those two strong arms holding him never failed to calm him, center him.
A sudden knock on the window made them both jump. Noah cursed. “Stay calm,” he whispered in Indy’s ear.
Noah lowered the driver’s window. Indy stayed where he was, sensing Noah didn’t want him to move. “Officer,” Noah said.
Indy tensed. Fuck. A cop.
“This is not an appropriate place to make out,” a stern voice said.
“We weren’t making out, Officer. We were on our way to the movies when my girlfriend had a panic attack. I pulled into the parking lot here to help her calm down. Physical contact helps, but as you can see we are both completely dressed. I promise you, nothing untoward happening here.”
Noah’s voice was calm, steady. Indy never moved an inch, but his mind was racing. If the cop asked him to get out, what should he do? He’d be okay unless he somehow suspected him to be lying about his identity. But there was no reason, was there? Noah had identified him as a woman, so why would the cop think otherwise?
“Can you turn around, slowly, so I can see your face?”
Noah’s hand squeezed Indy’s side, communicating the cop was talking to him. Indy had to obey, his heart racing. He ungracefully turned around on Noah’s lap, resisting the urge to straighten his clothes. His mascara had to be streaked from crying, but maybe that would only help. A flashlight shone in his face, and he blinked. It lowered, but Indy still couldn’t make out the cop’s face. He sounded young, but other than that Indy didn’t have a clue. No Boston accent, though. Not that the odds of running into another Boston cop were high, but the odds had never treated him well.
“Is she of age?”
“Yes, sir. She’s twenty. Do you want to see her driver’s license?”
“That’s okay. I believe you. I’ll wait in my car until you’re ready to move along, all right? I need to make sure you’re leaving.”
“I understand. We’ll be out of here in a few minutes, Officer. Thank you for your understanding.”
“Have a nice evening,” the cop said, before walking out of their sight.
Noah closed the window. Indy let out a shuddering breath. Too close. That had been too close. One of these days, his luck was gonna run out, and someone would recognize him.
His stomach rolled in fear, but he pushed it back down. “Can we please go home?”
* * *
Connor had never done drugs, not even once in his life, having seen the destruction it brought to his family, but this was what being high had to feel like. On his back in bed, Josh resting on top of him, their slick bodies calming down, their hearts beating as one—no drug could beat this feeling.
A threesome with Noah. He’d known Josh was joking, well, after his initial shock, but it made him wonder again. What was the deal with Josh and Noah? They were lovers, Josh had said, yet Noah was involved with Indy—and had no qualms about Connor going after Josh. It didn’t make sense at all.
“Can I ask you about Noah?” He tried to make his voice light, not wanting to go full interrogation on Josh.
“You can ask me anything after you just fucked me into oblivion.”
The words coming out of Josh's mouth. Who would’ve ever thought an innocent-looking, cute guy like Josh would have such a mouth on him? The dirty sex talk had been a fucking turn-on. Not as much as his ass, though, greedily swallowing Connor’s cock.
Ever since Connor had accepted he was gay, he’d come to see his cock as more of a curse than a good thing. Guys always bragged about th
eir lengths and how awesome it was to be hung, but it wasn’t helpful for backdoor entry. He’d never thought he’d be able to fuck someone, had more or less resigned himself to hand jobs forever—until Josh. That his lean body had taken him in, it blew his mind. And his balls.
He let his hands roam Josh's back, the soft skin still clammy under his rough fingers. “You and Noah, you are lovers, right?”
“We’re fuck buddies. Have been for the last year, ever since he lost his leg.”
“What’s the difference between lovers and fuck buddies?” His hands found Josh's ass, stroked the taut muscles that shivered at his touch.
“Noah doesn’t love me like that.”
“But you love him.” It was a dangerous statement to make to a guy you were holding in your arms after the best sex ever, but Connor had to know. Did he even stand a chance at Josh's heart or was it only about sex? “It’s okay if you do. I’d understand. From what I’ve seen, he’s a good guy.”
Josh was quiet for a long time, but he didn’t pull away from Connor’s touch. Josh's hands were still around his neck and biceps, the fingers relaxed against his skin. He was thinking, apparently, and Connor understood. It wasn’t an easy question he’d asked.
“I’ve loved Noah since the day I met him, and I wanted him, but I’ve always known we weren’t meant to be lovers. So I’ve held back, giving him the part of me that I could without risking to lose too much. We’re best friends with benefits, and he takes care of me, as much as I take care of him. But we’re too codependent and fucked up together to be a couple. I’m happy he’s found Indy, because they’re perfect for each other.”
There was something so sad yet sweet in Josh's words. If he loved Noah for that long, that much, maybe he could one day love Connor?
“So why did you start fucking?”
“He needed the physical release to distract him from his pain and to help him cope with his anger. Noah has been messed up in his head since…since our last tour.”
No Shame: The Complete Series: Including exclusive bonus materials and deleted scenes Page 31
