“You sick little cock lover.” The voice was spitting with hate.
He whimpered. Stop! Please stop. A massive hand forced down his neck, bending him over.
“Hold him tight, boys. I’ll show this little faggot what happens when he eyes me in the shower. Fucking queer.”
Three pairs of combat boots on the dusty floor. Three pairs. He stopped struggling. He didn’t stand a chance.
“See? He wants it. The sick faggot wants to be fucked. We’ll show him, boys, won’t we? By the time we’re done you won’t ever look at another cock again.”
He’d been beaten up so many times in high school before Noah had come to save him. It was how he had learned to retreat in his mind, to block out anything happening to him.
Noah, he would focus on Noah. Noah would save him. He always did.
He wouldn’t cry.
He wouldn’t scream.
He wouldn’t beg.
He thought of Noah as the pain tore him in two, ripped him apart.
It hurts, oh, God it hurts, it hurts too much…
And then he stopped thinking at all and let himself fall into the darkness, finally letting out the screams of pain.
“Josh…Josh, come back to us. You’re safe, Josh, no one is hurting you.”
The voice pierced through the darkness, the fog in his head. His mind burned, stabbed. His throat hurt from screaming.
“Josh, you’re home. You’re okay. I’ve got you.”
Home? Then why couldn’t he breathe? His heart was drumming in his ears, his whole body so tense it hurt. Cold floor under his naked body.
“Breathe in deeply, Josh, recognize the smell? You’re on the kitchen floor. You’re home.”
A wheezing breath entered his lungs. Finally, oxygen. The smell of citrus, vanilla. Not sand, desert.
“Noah?” His voice was broken, scratched.
“I’m right here, Josh.”
Noah. He would recognize that voice anywhere.
“Noah!” A sob escaped, and he extended his arms with effort, not yet able to open his eyes.
Strong arms lifted him, Noah’s familiar scent enveloping him. He was home. Noah was here. He leaned against Noah’s chest, inhaling as Noah’s safe arms held him, tucked him close on Noah’s lap. He didn’t care he was naked anymore—though he did seem to be wearing a shirt—because he was safe.
What had happened? Did he have a flashback while they were fucking? Noah held him tight, rocking him, caressing his head and cheek and hair.
“I’m so sorry, Josh,” Noah whispered. “So fucking sorry. This was my fault.”
Josh swallowed, his throat burning like a motherfucker. “What happened?” he managed.
“Can you get him some water?” Noah asked.
Footsteps. A cabinet opening. The sound of a glass being filled with water. Josh didn’t open his eyes till he felt a glass being pressed into his hands. He took it, drank deeply, pressing away from Noah’s chest. He slowly became aware of his surroundings.
He was on Noah’s lap. They were on the kitchen floor, Noah leaning back against the dishwasher. Indy was standing close to them, his face taut with worry. And in the corner of the kitchen, dripping blood from his mouth and holding an ice pack against his jaw, sat Connor, half-slumped against the wall, wearing only boxers. A condom was on the floor next to him.
Josh was shocked back into reality.
He scrambled up from Noah’s lap, stumbled to his feet, still dizzy from the experience. “You attacked him!”
Josh found his underwear and pants and put them back on with angry, uncoordinated moves. Indy sprang up, then extended a hand to Noah to pull him to his feet.
“Damn you, Noah! You can’t do that!” Josh yelled. He shoved Noah back with two hands, didn’t give a fuck Noah was off-balance without his crutches. “You didn’t want me, okay? You chose Indy, and I was happy for you. But you can’t turn into a fucking jealous asshole when I find someone as well. I like him!” He shoved Noah again, pushing him with his back against the counter.
“It wasn’t like that!”
“Then why the fuck did you hit him? He’s fucking bleeding! You knocked him out cold, asshole!”
“I didn’t recognize him from behind, thought he was some guy raping you!”
Josh stilled. “What?”
Noah dragged his hands through his hair. “We walked in, and he had you bent over on the counter, holding you down with his weight, his dick in your ass. He had his pants around his ankles. I didn’t see it was Connor. I thought… I thought it was happening all over again, dammit!”
Josh stared at Noah, at a loss for words. Noah buried his face in his hands. “I wasn’t there to save you, and I’ll never forgive myself for that, but I thought it was happening again. I only wanted to protect you.”
Was he crying? Josh's suspicions were confirmed when Noah’s body shook. “I’m sorry, Josh… I’m so fucking sorry.”
They weren’t talking about Connor anymore, he understood. How had he missed Noah’s guilt all this time? “It wasn’t your fault,” Josh mumbled.
Noah dropped his hands with fury, his face tear-stricken. “Yes, it was. You were there because of me in the first place. The army was no place for you, and we both knew it. I was supposed to keep you safe, and I failed. I should’ve known, should’ve been there.”
Noah’s anger. His guilt. His fierce protectiveness of Josh. Things clicked in Josh's head. Oh, God.
“Is that why you fucked me? Because you felt sorry, wanted to make up for what you thought you’d done wrong?”
If Noah said yes, his heart would break into a million pieces. He could take Noah not loving him. He understood why they wouldn’t work. But Noah using him to assuage his own guilt, that was a blow he would not recover from.
“No! Fuck, no, why would you think that?”
“Why wouldn’t I? You never told me this, and we were supposed to be honest with each other. You never said how guilty you felt for what happened to me. And for the record: it wasn’t your fault, and I never blamed you. For fuck’s sake, you went to your dad to make sure those three were court-martialed and thrown in jail. You made sure justice was served, and that they got what they deserved.”
Noah clenched his fists, the veins in his neck bulging. His eyes showed a cold fury Josh had never seen there before. “They didn’t get what they deserved. Every single day I regret going the official route. I should’ve done what I wanted in the first place, which was to lure them out one by one and beat the shit out of them. I should’ve fucking killed them for what they did to you.”
Josh couldn’t wrap his head around it. How could Noah feel so protective of him he’d be willing to kill for him? Where was this guilt coming from?
“Then why did you ask me to help you find release, that night at the hospital?”
“Because I wanted to. Because I had missed you the weeks before, had been worried sick about you, wanted to make sure you were okay. Dammit, because I wanted you… I had these weird dreams about you sucking me, about you riding my cock that felt so real and god, they were good.”
Josh looked down, couldn’t meet Noah’s eyes.
Noah gasped. “They weren’t dreams, were they? They were memories…”
“Yes,” Josh admitted, his chest clenching tight. “It was one night, on my birthday, after you’d lost your mom. We were both drunk. I thought you didn’t remember since you never brought it up. I was scared you’d be repulsed if I told you.”
He still didn’t look up, certain he’d lost Noah’s friendship forever. Instead, he felt two strong arms embrace him. Noah hugged him for what seemed like a minute without saying anything, then pulled back and kissed Josh on his mouth. “Josh, I don’t know anymore how to make you understand this… That repulsion you’re always so scared of, it exists in your head alone. Ever since the day we became friends, I have never, ever been ashamed of you, repulsed by you, or embarrassed by you. I love you for who you are, and I would die to keep you saf
e.”
He kissed him again with a gentle tenderness and Josh's throat got tight all over again.
“I asked you to help me because I wanted you and because I knew you wanted me too,” Noah said. “Yes, I wanted to replace your memories with something good. I wanted you to experience sex with someone who loved you so that one day you’d be able to find the love of your life. You are so hung up on labels, so desperate to define what you are, what I am, who and what we are to each other that you missed the bigger picture. I wouldn’t have survived this last year without you and your love. You helped me feel secure in my masculinity, even with my missing leg. You helped me discover parts of myself I never even knew existed. And dammit, Joshua, every single time we fucked, I have made love to you the best I knew how. I’m fucking jealous of you for remembering our first time, since I don’t. I have never, ever used you without loving you right back, even if it wasn’t the love you had pictured. I love, love, love having sex with you—and I’d be tempted right now to ask Indy for permission to fuck you senseless to prove it to you if I wasn’t damn sure Connor would have an issue with that. You should see how he looks at you, as if you are the most beautiful, gorgeous, precious thing he’s ever encountered. What you’ve been looking for, it’s right there, Josh, but not with me. And I would apologize for that if I wasn’t so sure that we wouldn’t be good together in the long run. Not as partners, not like that. But I love you so fucking much.”
It was the longest speech Josh had ever heard Noah make, and every word hit him like a jackhammer. Noah’s eyes never left Josh's as he spoke directly to his heart.
Josh breathed in, out. In. Out.
It’s time.
He stepped back from Noah’s arms, but stayed close, his eyes never leaving those green, loving eyes.
“They attacked me when I came back from patrol. The other guys, they knew who you were, and they were too scared of your dad to mess with me much. Plus, I’d gained their respect as a sniper, since I was damn good. But this unit was new, and they didn’t know you.”
In. Out.
“I’d encountered them in the shower, days before. I was surprised because I didn’t know them. I swear, I wasn’t ogling them. Shit, I knew better than to draw that kind of attention to myself. Still, they took offense, called me a faggot, a fucking queer. I thought I’d apologize, make a joke of it. I thought that was the end of it.”
He rubbed his neck, sighed. “They caught me with Dean two days later. Stupid bad luck. You knew Dean and I would mess around every now and then. I was sucking him off, and they walked in on us. Dean didn’t know what to say, accused me of coming on to him. He didn’t mean to throw me under the bus, didn’t know what they would do. When I came back from patrol a couple of days later, they grabbed me, pulled me into an empty container. I stopped fighting when I realized there were three of them, knew it was useless.”
He choked up, fought for control. Did he have the strength to finish it? Could he share for the first time what he’d been through? Not like this, not standing in the kitchen. He needed to feel safe, safer. He wanted strong arms around him when he broke.
Connor’s.
His legs were too sluggish to carry him, and Connor was still on the floor, though he had put on his pants in the meantime. Josh dropped to his knees and crawled over to Connor, tears streaming down his face. Connor opened his arms wide, pulling Josh between his legs, folding those big arms around him. Josh leaned back against the broad chest behind him, letting his head rest against Connor’s shoulder.
He breathed in. Out. It needed to be said.
“They called me names. Faggot, queer, cock lover…and they raped me. The pain was…it was so bad, and I passed out.”
A sob tore through him.
“They left me there…like a used condom on the floor.”
Connor kissed his head, tightened his grip on Josh. He pulled strength from that.
“They were probably scared after I’d passed out. I don’t think they meant for that to happen; they just wanted to punish me. I woke up later, still bleeding. I didn’t want to go to the CSH, knowing you’d be there, Noah… I knew you’d go after them, get yourself in trouble. So I went back to the barracks and took a shower. But the pain was so bad, and it wouldn’t stop bleeding. I was scared of internal bleeding, terrified they’d torn me up inside, and that I’d bleed to death.”
Noah limped over to where Josh and Connor were sitting, lowered himself to the floor as well, Indy following suit. Josh realized the boy hadn’t said a word, but he’d watched them. Indy’s sweet, brown eyes shone with tears. Seeing his own anguish reflected on Indy’s face comforted Josh. Indy understood. Their eyes met, and Indy smiled through his tears.
Indy nestled against Noah, giving him the support Josh knew he needed. Noah took a deep breath. “You passed out again before you made it inside the CSH. Some guy carried you in,” he said, his voice raw. “Your pants were soaked in blood, and I thought I’d lost you. Fuck, Josh, you were so pale and so weak, and I thought you’d die right there. I didn’t understand what had happened, thought you’d somehow been shot. When we saw… It took three guys to hold me back, did you know? Three guys pinned me to the floor because I was ready to find whoever did that to you and fucking kill him. They didn’t let me go until I had a grip on myself. Until I had promised I would only hold your hand and nothing else. I claimed you, Josh, right then and there. There wasn’t a single man in that hospital who doubted you were mine.”
It was like Josh felt the wounds inside of him healing. He hadn’t known, hadn’t realized Noah had made him so much more than a friend even then.
“I held your hand when Graves operated on you, repaired what they’d done to you. It was superficial, though bloody, but the sight of you on that table… I was ready to go AWOL to take you home. It was Graves who convinced me to go up the ranks instead of going rogue. I told your CO what had happened, and when he didn’t seem impressed, I went over his head all the way to my dad. He was furious, anti-gay as he is. He couldn’t believe these guys had desecrated the uniform like that and had done that to a fellow soldier. It took us only twenty-four hours to find them. Somebody had spotted them coming out of that container and ID’ed them. And you fucking refused to go home, to take the honorary discharge I’d gotten you. I was so fucking angry with you.”
“I wasn’t leaving you,” Josh said. “I saw your pain for me, Noah, watched you push it deep inside. It killed you that I didn’t want to talk about it, couldn’t talk about it, not even with you. You were a big load of C4 waiting to explode. I wanted to tell you everything, but it hurt too fucking much. Maybe I was scared you’d see me differently, treat me differently, like I was even weaker and more of a victim than I’d been before. Just when I felt like I could maybe talk about it, you went on that fucking patrol, and I watched you get blown up through my telescope.”
This was the last part and the hardest bit, even more difficult than talking about the rape. He’d known he would survive being brutalized, even as it happened, but seeing Noah explode… That had broken him.
“I should have seen it, Noah,” he managed to say what he’d been feeling ever since, what had caused his break down in the first place. “I should’ve seen the irregularities on the surface, should’ve noticed there might be an IED hidden.”
“Bullshit,” Noah said forcefully. “Fucking bullshit and you know it. I was stupid, not paying attention.”
“Because of me!” Josh cried out. “Because you were worried about me!”
“No! Because I was angry with myself for enlisting in the first place. Dammit, Josh, I should’ve never signed up, never. It wasn’t my dream, and it certainly wasn’t yours. I got blown up because I was trying to work out in my head when we could get a discharge, how I could make that happen sooner than later. I wanted both of us out, and I was thinking about that instead of paying attention to the terrain. I was careless, and I paid the price for that.”
“And maybe it’s time to let
go of your guilt and forgive yourself for all of that, Noah.” It was the first time Indy spoke up. “You’re carrying a wicked amount of guilt, and it’s fucking eating you alive. Josh decided to enlist; you didn’t force him to. Instead of feeling so damn guilty, embrace the love behind that decision. You guys have had each other’s backs for so long, but you’re both feeling guilty for the consequences of that. Your brotherhood is beautiful, but there’s no place for guilt in love, only remorse over mistakes—and that’s what you forgive each other for…and yourself.”
Josh and Noah stared at each other, Josh safe in Connor’s arms and Noah holding Indy.
“I’m sorry for enlisting,” Noah said, his voice thick and raw.
“I’m sorry, too,” Josh brought out.
“I’m so sorry for what happened to you,” Noah said. “More than anything, I wish I could’ve prevented that.”
“I know. I don’t blame you, not one bit. Thank you for standing up for me. I’m sorry for doubting your motives for sleeping with me. I should’ve known better.”
“I understand. It’s hard to feel loved when you’ve received so little of it before.”
“And I’m sorry for not telling you we had that night together.”
“I’m sorry for forgetting. The dreams were pretty sweet, though.”
Josh's mouth curved upward. Peace. Finally. He leaned back, relaxed in Connor’s arms. “How are you, baby?” he asked, turning his head and nuzzling his neck. “Noah hit you pretty damn hard.”
“Much better now that I’m holding you. Besides, the guy hits like a girl.”
Josh chuckled. Classic male pride at work.
“May I remind you that if I hadn’t held Noah down, your face would have looked different?” Indy said, taking offense. “I had to take him in a tight headlock to get him to stop hitting you.”
“Yeah, when I imagined my face between your legs, it was a little different,” Noah said. Indy jabbed him in the ribs with his elbow.
Connor said, “Now that we’ve all kissed and made up, can somebody please explain why all of a sudden Indy is a guy and from Boston instead of from the Deep South?”
No Shame: The Complete Series: Including exclusive bonus materials and deleted scenes Page 33
