So Connor had talked to Noah about the torture, as best as he could. They’d sat outside in the garden, nature in full bloom around them, as Connor recounted what had been done to him, to them. Noah had listened, throwing in an occasional supportive word here and there, but nothing more than that. No advice, no well-meaning clichés, simply presence. Connor had talked more than he had in his entire life, and it had been good. But still, that restlessness wouldn’t disappear.
He’d never been more grateful for the family he was now a part of. They had rallied around him, supported him and Josh. Fuck, the way Miles had taken care of Josh together with Indy when Connor and Noah went to Andrews, it had been phenomenal. Josh had needed the pain, and Miles and Indy had stepped in.
Truth be told, Connor had hardly thought about Josh that day. His mind had been so full with Lucas, it was like he’d had no capacity for anything else. Should he feel guilty about that? Probably.
“It’s okay, Connor,” Noah had said.
He’d turned his head. “Hmm?”
“It’s okay to be selfish right now. You’re grieving. Josh understands.”
Josh would. The man knew about pain, about coping. He was the strongest man Connor knew, with the exception of Indy. Those two, what they had walked through, it was phenomenal.
“But he’s okay. Josh is okay. Miles worked him over good with the paddle. Indy texted pictures, if you want to see them?”
It was funny how Indy and Noah communicated. Josh would text Connor sometimes, but they were either short to-the-point messages relaying some information, or a simple “I love you” in a few variations. Indy and Noah texted entire stories, complete with pictures and whatnot.
Noah dug his phone out, handed it to Connor. He looked at the pics of a sleeping Josh, spread out on his stomach, his face showing the bliss of a post-subspace peace, and smiled. “Hot damn, that’s one wicked red ass. Beautiful.”
One thing was certain after seeing that picture: he would not be able to fuck Josh, and selfish as it was, he was bummed. He was restless, in the mood to fuck really, really hard. Let off some steam. But there was no way, not with what Josh had endured already. It would have done Josh good, no doubt. He’d been due a session anyway, and with the stress of what had happened, he would have needed a solid level of pain to cope.
And if Indy had fucked him, he would have let Josh come afterward, at least twice, because that’s how Indy rolled. The kid was no pushover, but he was way too tender-hearted for a Dom. Even denying Josh an orgasm would feel cruel to him. No, Josh would not be in any mood or condition for sex. He’d be willing to if Connor asked, but it would not be good for him. He handed Noah his phone back, sighed.
“You okay?” Noah asked.
“Yeah.” He pondered it for a bit, then decided to level with him. “Was hoping for a hard fuck when I got back, but looking at that pic, that’s not gonna happen.”
“He would do it, if you asked him.”
Connor shook his head. “No. I won’t ask him. I will never put him in a position where he’d feel he can’t say no.”
“You’re a good man, O’Connor,” Noah said, banging a right onto their driveway. “Honorable.”
Maybe, but he was also horny as fuck now. Oh, well. He’d live.
When they walked in, Miles was in the living room with his two boys, watching a movie. Thank fuck they didn’t ask any of the obligatory “How did it go” questions.
Connor walked straight into his bedroom, where Josh was sleeping on his stomach, Indy reading a book in bed next to him. Indy got off the bed as he spotted them. He walked out, closed the door softly behind him.
“How is he?” Connor asked.
“He’s good,” Indy said. But how are you?”
Connor shrugged. He had no fucking idea how to answer that question.
Indy reached out his arms and when Connor hugged him, simply jumped up. He caught him easily—the kid weighed nothing— held him close. He loved how affectionate Indy was with him now. It was such a dramatic change from the skittish boy who’d been scared of even being touched. Yet every time Indy hugged him like this, the truth of what he’d done to him stabbed Connor through the heart. He still hadn’t told him.
Indy rubbed his cheek against Connor’s. “I’m so sorry for you, Connor.”
“Yeah.”
When he put Indy back down, the kid made contact with his massive hard on, which had come back with a vengeance after seeing Josh. “Sorry,” Connor mumbled.
“You can’t fuck him,” Indy said, crossing his arms.
“I know, little firecracker. I know. I saw the pictures. Is he okay now?”
“Miles was awesome. Used only the paddle, but so slowly and so long he had Josh squirming, begging for more. I fucked him twice, then had him suck me off a third time before I allowed him to come.”
Huh. Indy had more Dom skills than Connor had given him credit for. “Thank you for taking care of our man,” he said, meaning every word. He rearranged his cock, trying to get it to settle down.
Indy beamed. “Always my pleasure. I took a bath with him, then rubbed his ass with that lotion you always use. You know, the aloe one.”
Connor nodded. “Good. That’ll help.”
“I wasn’t sure if he needed a cooling pack or not, and he fell asleep before I could ask.”
“Nah. Let him be for now. The longer the burn lingers, the longer it’ll help him to keep his head clear.”
Behind them, the door opened. “Connor,” Josh said simply. He’d put on some boxers and walked straight into Connor’s arms, hugging him tenderly. “I love you.”
No empty words from Josh either. He understood loss. They all did. Connor kissed Josh's soft lips. “How are you, baby? Did Miles work you over good?”
He put his hand on Josh's ass, slipping under his boxers to gently rub the skin that was searing hot under his hand. Josh winced.
“Fuck, yes. When he started paddling me, I thought he was joking, it was so gentle. But after like fifty strokes or so, my ass was on fire. I lost track after that, completely sank into subspace.”
Miles stepped into the hallway, grinning. “I used the water drip method. Small drops seem harmless, but water that drips for a long time will win from a rock. Plus, I blindfolded him, made the room silent, and had him lie facedown on a towel you had used before, Connor. I didn’t want him to be reminded who was in the room with him, and risk yanking him out of his zone.”
Connor sent him a grateful look. “Thank you.”
Josh had gone back to bed almost immediately, Indy staying with him, so Connor had bunked with Noah. He didn’t even want to be close to Josh, too scared he’d lose his control. He’d jacked off, furiously, and had willed himself to sleep. And he’d made it up the days after, had sought Josh out again and again in the hopes of getting rid of this restlessness, this itch inside him that wouldn’t leave him alone.
Noah had gently told him it was time to let go. Letting go. How did Connor do that? How did you let go of someone who you only now discovered you loved? Lucas had been dead for years, but it felt to Connor like it happened yesterday.
He sighed as he walked into the living room, where Josh and Indy were cuddling on the couch, their limbs entwined, both reading a book. Noah was taking a shower after physical therapy. Miles and his boys were in their bedroom, judging by the sounds, clearly having fun. Connor’s cock stirred.
Josh looked up from his book with a soft smile. “Hey, baby.”
He was so beautiful. They’d been together for over six months now, but there were times where the sheer sight of Josh took his breath away. “I love you,” Connor told him.
“I love you, too,” Josh said, his smile widening. It should feel strange, somehow, to express this while Josh was in the arms of his other lover, but it didn’t. Indy watched them with a sweet smile on his face.
“Can I steal him from you?” Connor asked.
Both Indy and Josh froze, then shared a look that made Connor f
eel like an outsider for the first time since the early stages of his relationship with Josh.
“Connor…” Josh started. He untangled himself from Indy, but reached out for Indy’s hand. Connor’s stomach sank. What the hell was going on? He jammed his hands in his pockets, bracing himself for what was coming. Whatever it was, it couldn’t be good.
“I need a break,” Josh said, and Connor could swear he felt his heart break. His breath came in painful gasps that sent waves of hurt through him. “It’s just too much, baby. I’m hurting.”
“Dammit, so am I,” Connor snapped.
Josh’s eyes widened. “I’m sorry, but I—”
“You’re sorry? Fuck you, Josh. I’ve always been there for you no matter what, and now that I need you, you’re rejecting me? I’m drowning, and I fucking need you!”
The words were out of Connor’s mouth before he knew it, and Josh reeled back from the impact, tears forming in his eyes. Indy jumped up from the couch in front of Connor, fearless in full attack mode. Connor had to admire the kid’s guts to face a man twice his size. “Back the fuck off,” Indy bit out.
Connor raised his hands in surrender, just as Noah came running in from the one bedroom on his crutches, wearing only boxers, and Miles from the other bedroom, buck-naked, both no doubt alerted by the yelling.
“What the hell?” Noah asked. “What is going on?”
“Ask Josh,” Connor said bitter. “He decided that right now was the perfect time to break up with me.”
There was a collective gasp in the room, but then Josh got up from the couch, eyes blazing. “I’m not breaking up with you, you idiot. I’m telling you I need a break from sex with you. I know you’re hurting, and I know sex makes you feel better for a bit, but I need a break. My ass hurts, and you’re in no condition to do a scene, so I’m saying no.”
He wasn’t breaking up with Connor. That one thought hit him first, before reality sunk in. “I hurt you?” Connor asked, his voice breaking. “Oh God, Josh, did I hurt you?”
The distance between them right now stabbed his heart. What had he done?
Josh took a step toward him. “You needed me, and it was okay, because I loved being there for you, but now I need a break.”
Pain unlike anything else Connor had ever felt wrapped around his heart. He’d hurt the man he loved more than anything else. He took a faltering step backward. “I’m sorry, Josh. I’m so sorry. I’ll… Yeah, I understand. I’ll leave you alone.”
Eyes blinded by tears, he walked out of the room, through the kitchen into the garden. He held it together until he was away from all of them, until no one could witness his shame.
* * *
“What the fuck just happened?” Noah asked, dragging a hand through his hair.
Josh let out a shuddering sigh. “I think I fucked up. He thought I was breaking up with him. God, Noah, he looked like I shot him straight through the heart… What the hell did I do? I’ll go talk to him.”
Noah held him back. “Let me do it. He’s in so much pain right now, and he’s lashing out. Sound familiar?”
“No.” Indy squared his shoulders. “I’ll do it. I’ll talk to him. I made it worse just now by reacting too aggressively. I’ll fix this.”
Josh hesitated for a second, then surrendered and kissed the top of Indy’s head. “Thank you.”
Indy found him in the garden, sitting by himself in a chair all the way in the back. Connor’s shoulders were shaking. He was crying. This big, proud man was crying. Indy’s heart filled with empathy. He grabbed a chair and made his way over.
Connor looked up when he heard Indy approach, his eyes red and his face blotchy. “Is Josh okay? I’m so sorry, Indy… Is he okay?”
Indy sat down across from him. “He’s good, Connor. Are you?”
Connor leaned back in his chair, wiping the tears from his eyes. For a long time he sat, and Indy watched. Waited.
“How did you do it?” Connor finally asked. “How did you let go of what happened to you?”
His blue eyes met Indy’s, so full of pain that Indy’s heart clenched. God, this man was suffering. He had to try and help him.
“When my mother handed me over to Duncan, I was…cautiously optimistic. He was powerful, he was hot, and I was gay, so I figured it couldn’t be all that bad. Turns out, I was wrong. Boy, was I wrong. It was bad, and it got worse through the years as he started using more and became aggressive and unpredictable. I went through stages. I was livid for a while, but it didn’t get me anything, except a couple of beatings. Then I tried numb, but there’s only so long that works. So finally, I decided I had to accept this was the reality—for now. But I started plotting and planning, determined to get away. Well, you know how that turned out. When I was on the run, the thing I struggled most with wasn’t what had been done to me. That was so heinous, that I was okay with being livid about it. It was my own role in it all that I wrestled with the most. The crimes I knew about but didn’t prevent or report. The people who got hurt with me standing by. That’s what I had to learn to forgive myself for. It’s not what’s been done to us by others that kills us on the inside, Connor. It’s what we do to ourselves.”
Connor’s face had paled as Indy spoke until he was white as a ghost.
“Indy…”
It sounded like a plea, a broken cry from a suffering man. Connor let himself fall forward on his knees, kneeling in front of Indy.
“Oh God, Indy…”
Indy reached out and put his hand on Connor’s head. “What did you do to yourself, Connor? What’s tormenting you?”
A sob escaped from Connor’s lips before he pulled himself together. “I knew,” he managed, his voice hoarse and broken. “I heard rumors about you, about Duncan acquiring a young boy for himself. A teen. I knew, Indy…and I did nothing.”
Indy’s heart contracted painfully, but not because of what Connor was saying. He had suspected Connor had heard at least rumors, considering Duncan had been his cousin. It was the unimaginable pain on Connor’s face, the depth of the remorse and regret in his eyes. It was the rejection he was counting on that showed in his hunched shoulders, his dejected posture. This was a man expecting to be broken.
“I could have stopped it all, could have prevented so much suffering for you, if only I had…if only I had been strong and courageous enough to say something, to do something. I failed you, Indy. I caused you so much pain and suffering.”
Indy put his finger under Connor’s chin to lift his head. “No, you didn’t. You did not cause any of it, Connor. That’s all on Duncan and his men, not you.”
“But if I had—”
“It wouldn’t have made a difference. Even if you’d gone to the cops, had reported it, do you really think it would have made a lick of difference? Duncan woulda denied it, my mother would’ve sworn up and down nothing was going on, and I sure as fuck didn’t have the balls back then to speak up against Duncan. I was too scared of what he’d do to me—and we both know what he woulda done to you, to me, to anyone coming out against him. He would’ve killed you, Connor, and your parents with you. I did stand up against him, and he did almost manage to kill me, remember?”
Connor stared at him as if he couldn’t believe what he was seeing. His mouth opened and closed a few times before he finally spoke. “You’re not angry with me?”
Indy bent over and kissed his head. “No. I never was. It was never on your conscience, only on Duncan’s, on that of his men. They did this, not you.”
“I thought for sure you would never even look at me again if you knew… I was so afraid of losing you all, of losing Josh.”
Indy shook his head. “Don’t you realize how much Josh loves you? You could never lose him.”
“You forgive me?”
The incredulity was thick, and Indy had to take it away. “I forgave you the day Josh fell in love with you. His happiness trumps everything else, and he loves you so much…and you love him. You’re so good for him. But Connor, even if I had been u
pset, don’t you realize you redeemed yourself?” Indy cupped Connor’s cheeks, making sure the man listened. “Connor, you set me free. That was you and Josh, and I’ll never, ever be able to express my thanks for that.”
“It was all Josh,” Connor whispered. “God, you should’ve seen it, Indy. I was right there in the room when he shot them, and he took them out in seconds. It was phenomenal. I wasn’t even scared, because I knew he wasn’t gonna miss.”
“Oh, Connor, that was you as much as him. Don’t you see? Josh could not have done it had you not believed in him this much. It was your faith in him, in his skills and abilities, that gave him wings.”
A hint of a smile broke through on Connor’s face and Indy let his hands fall. “You’re a sneaky one,” Connor said. “I told you we were never gonna speak about it again, and yet you got me to admit a hell of a lot more than I had ever planned on.”
Indy shrugged, smiling back. “Deal with it.”
Connor unfolded his legs to sit cross-legged on the grass. “How do I do that, Indy? How do I deal with this?”
“What you and I have been through, it’s not the same. You lost someone you loved in a very traumatic way. Correct me if I’m wrong, Connor, but I don’t think you’re struggling with what happened to you. I think you’re struggling with what happened to Lucas.”
The itch under his skin broke free. “I was so helpless… Every day they would come for us, and every day I knew there was a real chance he was not coming back. I was never scared for me, always for him.”
“I know. This is what Josh feels, too, don’t you realize? His biggest trauma isn’t what happened to him. It’s what happened to Noah, while he was watching.”
Connor swallowed visibly and Indy saw understanding dawning in his eyes. “Do I talk about this with him? I’m so scared of triggering him, of making his symptoms worse.”
No Shame: The Complete Series: Including exclusive bonus materials and deleted scenes Page 109
