He sat back, leaning against the couch rather than Daddy’s legs, and went over every interaction they’d had in the past week, trying to look at it from every angle to see where he'd gotten it wrong. But no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't come up with one incident where he'd disobeyed Daddy. He'd been so good this week, so why was Daddy rejecting him? As he sat at his Daddy's feet, painfully missing the usual affectionate hand on his neck or on his head, he realized the truth.
This wasn't because of him. He had done nothing wrong. This was because of Daddy. This was Miles having issues of some kind. Miles had distanced himself from Brad for whatever reason, most likely because of Wander's presence or that of his men. Embarrassment was the most logical explanation, but was it embarrassment over his own condition or over Brad? Was his daddy ashamed of him? Of the relationship they had?
His face hardened. If that was the case, what was he still doing here? Why was he offering to take care of a man who was embarrassed to even be seen with him? Hell, he’d affirmed their relationship in front of Burke, and this was how Miles treated him when it was his turn?
Brad blinked, his heart filling with resolve. He was better than this, worth more than this. He slowly rose and in the midst of Indy's story, he spoke up.
"Come find me when you've found your balls," he said to Miles, his voice ice cold.
The conversation came to an immediate halt, and all faces turned toward him, including Wander’s.
"My balls?" Miles asked, his voice hesitant.
Brad raised his chin. "Yes, your balls. The ones you need to stop feeling fucking ashamed of me, of us. Tell me when you've found them."
"Brad! What the hell, boy?" Miles burst out, jumping up from the couch and facing Brad.
Brad stabbed a finger in his chest. "No, you don't get to boy me after basically ignoring me for a week."
"You need to watch your tone. You know better than to talk to me like this."
Brad let out a scathing laugh. "Listen to yourself! Even now you can't be yourself. You sound like a fucking wannabe, not like my daddy. What the fuck is wrong with you? Why are you such a fucking prude all of a sudden? Why won't you let me take care of you?"
The tears that formed in his eyes angered him, and he wiped them off with a violent gesture. "I deserve more than this. We had an understanding, an agreement of how our relationship works. If you don't hold up your end of the bargain, well, then neither do I. You can go fuck yourself for all I care."
He didn't wait for Miles's reaction, but stormed to the front door, where he yanked his winter coat off the rack. He whistled at Max, who came trotting toward the door instantly.
In a flash, Wander was in front of him. "Where are you going?"
Brad met his steely look with icy indifference. "None of your fucking business. Your job is to protect Indy and his men. Clearly, I'm not one of them, so get the fuck out of my way."
It seemed those words finally triggered Miles into action, and with a few big steps, he stood in front of Brad, pushing Wander aside. But it wasn't Daddy Miles or even a shadow of him. It was a humbled, shaken Miles.
"Brad, please, don't go. Please. Stay."
"Why?"
Miles took a small step toward him. "So I can apologize? Because I love you. Because you love me, even when I'm an ass?"
Brad swallowed. "Are all of those questions or statements?"
"Statements. I fucked up, Brad. God, I'm so sorry. I was…"
"Embarrassed," Brad supplied, his voice filled with bitterness. "You were embarrassed of me, of what we have together."
"No, not like this. Well, a little, maybe, but it's not the whole picture."
Brad crossed his arms again, determined not to surrender quite that easily, even if the wounded look on Miles's face got to him. He couldn't stand to see him hurting. "Then paint the picture for me."
Miles sent a pained look sideways toward Wander. Then he refocused on Brad, his eyes soft and apologetic. "This is on me, Brad. I was insecure, scared that Wander and his men would judge me for my relationship with you and Charlie, but mostly with you."
"Because I'm such a slut?" Brad had to ask it, had to know if that was the reason.
"No, sweetheart, I swear. Because of me, of how much I need you, how much I use you. I was afraid they would think I was selfish, using you and not giving enough in return."
Brad frowned. "But I like to be used. I don't understand."
"I know you do, but they don't know that, and I feared they would think I was being indifferent or mean to you."
Brad scoffed. "You realize that makes no sense at all, right? The way you've treated me the last week, that's being indifferent and mean. I need you, Daddy, as much as you need me, and I don't give a flying fuck what anyone else thinks."
From the corner of his eye, he caught Wander grinning. That at least was something, to know the man understood where he was coming from.
Miles gave him a tight smile. "I forget sometimes how wise you are, my sweet boy."
Brad moved forward until their faces were only inches apart. "I was ashamed of myself for such a long time, and I can't go back to that. Now that I've finally found freedom in being me, I can’t go back to pretending to be something and someone I'm not. If you want to be with me, you'll have to make that stand with me. No more running, Daddy. This is who we are."
10
That night, Miles couldn’t sleep. Usually, he was out like a light, especially when both his boys made a little extra effort to wear him out—like they’d done tonight. He was so sated after fucking both of them that his cock had been quiet now for hours. But his head hadn’t been.
He’d fucked up. Big time.
He still couldn’t believe he’d been that stupid, that superficial, that he’d valued the opinion of others over the well-being and love of his boys. Well, Brad especially. He’d rejected him, denied him, all because he’d been scared of being judged. And that, after Brad had so courageously gone public about their relationship in front of his brother. The thought left a bitter taste in Miles’s mouth all over again.
He’d always prided himself on being true to himself, about not hiding who he was. Apparently, he hadn’t been quite as proud and accepting of himself and his relationship as he’d claimed to be. What the hell had happened? How had he allowed himself to feel ashamed of the single most important thing in his life—his relationship with Charlie and Brad?
He’d made Brad feel like he’d been ashamed of him, of who Brad was and how he took care of Miles, and that was a bitter pill to swallow. He’d vowed to do right by his boy, but he’d failed him. Spectacularly.
“Can’t sleep?” Brad’s soft voice interrupted his thoughts. He was nestled against Miles with Charlie on Brad’s other side. Miles found Brad’s eyes focused on him.
“I thought you were asleep,” Miles said softly.
“I was, but something woke me up and then I felt the tension in your body.”
Brad didn’t ask what was keeping Miles up, and he appreciated him not rubbing it in, because he had to know what was bothering Miles. “I failed you.”
Brad let out a soft sigh, then curled up against Miles. “Yes,” he said, his breath wafting over Miles’s naked chest. Miles smiled. It was such a classic Brad move, to not mince his words but affirm the truth.
“I’m sorry,” Miles said.
“You’ve apologized already.”
Miles sighed. “I know, but it doesn’t feel like it’s enough.”
“I’ve forgiven you,” Brad stated.
“Have you really? I can’t help but fear I’ve lost your trust.”
“You know what you always tell me when I’ve been bad, right? That once I’ve had my punishment, I’m forgiven and everything is good between us.”
Miles considered the truth of that statement. “And you really feel like everything is okay again after that?”
“Yeah, because you keep assuring me it is, Daddy. You punish me and then it’s in the past.”
> Miles kissed his head. Out of the mouths of babes, the saying went, and Brad was proving it. “I love you so much. I’m sorry if I ever made you doubt that.”
“I love you too, Daddy,” Brad said, his voice sounding sleepy.
“Go back to sleep, sweetheart,” he said, then kissed his head again.
As Brad’s breathing evened out, then slowed down, Miles’s head still spun. Brad had made it sound so easy, letting go and forgiving himself, but how did he do that? They'd told Charlie what had happened, and he'd been shocked, too. Charlie had fully chosen Brad's side in this, which was the right thing to do, but it made Miles feel even more shitty.
Charlie hadn't been angry with him, but there had been tension between them, the residue of his emotions over Brad getting hurt. How could he ever forgive himself for hurting his boys like this, for failing as their daddy, their lover and boyfriend?
When half an hour later he still couldn’t sleep, he crawled out of bed and left their room. Maybe watching some mindless TV would help—with the headphones on. He’d forgotten all about Wander until the man spoke up.
“Trouble sleeping?”
Miles barely kept himself from jumping. “Fucking hell, you scared the bejeezus out of me.”
He made out Wander’s form on the couch, then remembered he’d stated that’s where he’d sleep. A light sleeper, he’d called himself. Well, that turned out to be accurate.
“Sorry. I wanted to say something before you plonked down on the couch and landed in my lap.”
Wander swung his legs sideways and sat up, and Miles lowered himself into a chair. “I appreciate the sentiment.”
Wander flicked on a light, and Miles blinked a few times to let his eyes adjust. He waited for Wander to say something, but when the man stayed quiet, Miles added, “And yes, I had trouble sleeping.”
“Your boys still upset with you?”
Miles shook his head. “No. I’m upset with myself. I always tell Brad that once I’ve punished him, he’s forgiven, but I’m having trouble applying my own wisdom.”
Wander smiled at him. “Have you received your punishment then?”
Miles stared at him and lightning struck his brain. How the hell did the man pinpoint the problem so easily? Of course Miles was having trouble forgiving himself. He’d never received his punishment. It was so simple and yet he’d never considered it.
“How did you know?” he asked Wander, who shrugged.
“It’s not that hard to determine. Charlie may not be a sub, but he’s way too tenderhearted to ever punish you, and Brad wouldn’t even think of it. You’re his daddy, so punishing you isn’t even an option in his world.”
Damn, the guy was perceptive. “So where does that leave me?”
Wander leaned forward in his seat, resting his arms on his legs. “Can I ask you a personal question? Feel free to say no.”
Miles almost laughed at how absurd it was that the man would ask for permission after what he’d seen from them already, but fuck if he didn’t appreciate it. “Sure.”
He had a suspicion what the topic would be, and Wander didn’t disappoint. “You have some kind of medical issue?”
“Yes. I could give you the medical spiel, but the bottom line is that I’m almost constantly aroused.”
“Damn. That’s hella inconvenient.”
Miles let out a breath of relief at that easy acceptance. “Yes. Even more before I met Brad and Charlie and moved in here. I’ve found a true home here where I can be myself without judgment.”
“I can see that. It’s a special group, these men.”
Miles’s heart surged with pride that he was part of this. “It is. I was one of Indy’s FBI agents when he was in protective custody. He saved my life, then saved my life in another sense by introducing me to Brad and taking me in. I owe him everything.”
Wander smiled, leaning back in his seat again. “He’s a fascinating one. So pretty on the outside, a cute little twink, but the kid’s got balls the size of Texas.”
“He does.”
Wander’s face tightened. “My brother told me the chatter is increasing. They mean business.”
“No wonder. Indy’s the single biggest threat to what’s left of the Fitzpatricks. With his testimony, your brother can take them all down.” Miles thought of something. “Please tell me your brother is under protection as well.”
“He is,” Wander assured him. “But if you’ll forgive me being blunt: the DA is replaceable, Indy is not. Killing my brother would only mean postponing the trial. Killing Indy is the end of the case.”
Miles had to agree with that logic. “Still, wouldn’t you rather protect him?” He realized the fault in his reasoning as soon as he said it and could’ve slapped himself. “No, of course not. You’re much too close to him.”
“You need a certain amount of objectivity, though it’s hard. Since my team often does longer-term assignments, we do tend to get attached to our protectees.”
There was a hint of a smile around his mouth. “Like me and Indy, you mean. Yeah, I’ll admit I was far from detached and professional there.”
“So, your medical issue, that’s where Brad comes in?” Wander reverted to the previous topic.
“He’s a little slut, and I say that with all the love I have for him. He loves being used.”
Wander nodded. “I figured as much. It was ballsy of him to call you out like that.”
Miles’s heart contracted all over again. “It was. He’s a little brat, but he’s my world, him and Charlie both. He needs us so much and we want nothing more than to love him and take care of him.”
“They’re fascinating, the dynamics here in this house,” Wander said, and Miles detected a hint of emotion. “You, Charlie, and Brad…it’s a hot mess in theory, but it’s easy to see it works.”
“When I’m not being a total ass, yes,” Miles said with a small laugh.
“Then there’s the other four… I can’t figure out how Noah and Connor relate to each other,” Wander said, and this time, there was pure curiosity in his voice.
Miles’s smile widened. “You and me both. I think we’re all waiting for the day those two figure out the pecking order and act on that chemistry. I mean, the sparks are there, even if they’re disguised as an alpha rivalry.”
“Two tops. That’s never easy.”
Miles hesitated. Should he tell him this? Wander was so easy to talk to, and somehow, Miles knew the man would never repeat their conversation to another soul. Plus, it wasn’t like they had many secrets left. The man was a Dom anyway, and as he declared on the first day, he’d seen it all already.
“Connor bottoms occasionally for Josh or with a toy. Noah can’t. He’s tried with both Josh and Indy, but it’s not pleasurable for him.”
“Wait… Noah and Josh? They’re together as well?”
“They used to be, before Indy and Connor came into the picture. Now they’re not anymore.”
Wander whistled softly. “Even more complicated than I thought. It explains the easy familiarity between all of them, though. And does Noah’s discomfort have anything to do with his injuries?”
“It might. As you’ve seen, his scars run all the way up his leg and stump. His skin is often tight, so it wouldn’t be strange if he had trouble relaxing.”
Wander nodded. “Makes sense.”
Miles cocked his head as he studied the man. “You seem fascinated by us all,” he observed.
Wander hesitated, then let out a sigh. “I’m sorry. I’m aware I’ve long since passed the line of the detached professional. It’s just that…”
Miles waited, sensing it was Wander’s turn to get personal. His face was tight with a tension Miles couldn’t define, but at the same time, he looked forlorn.
“What you guys have here, it’s what I’ve dreamed of. I know that sounds unusual, but ever since I discovered I was into D/s and kink, I’ve wanted to share a living situation with like-minded people so we could explore and encourage that love for k
ink.”
At first, Miles nodded, but then he wondered. Was this an indirect way of—
“I’m not saying I want to live here,” Wander hurried, probably spotting Miles’s line of thought on his face. “It’s not some kind of creepy, indirect way of asking to be added. Fuck no. It’s more that I wondered if it was even possible, what I wanted, and then I met all of you, and it’s revived that dream.”
“Gotcha,” Miles said. “I know I’m beyond lucky to have found these men. All I can offer is that we didn’t start out this way. We started out as friends, lovers, and then found that special click. And Indy, he’s at the heart of it all. I’m not sure you could ever replicate this dynamic intentionally with strangers.”
Wander looked thoughtfully. “Good point. I guess I need to find me another Indy then.”
Miles shook his head. “Impossible. He’s one of a kind.”
Wander raised an eyebrow. “Were you ever…?”
“Oh hell, no. Well, I might’ve wanted more when we first met, but Indy made it crystal clear he was Noah’s, even when they were apart. Now, there’s nothing more than a whole lot of love, because it’s so obvious who he belongs to.”
They sat for a little bit, both lost in thoughts it seemed. Then Miles yawned, his tiredness catching up with him. “I’m gonna head back in. Thanks for the talk.”
“You’re welcome. If I may offer one last bit of advice? Ask Connor.”
Miles, who had already risen from his seat, frowned. “Connor? For what?”
“To dole out your punishment so you can let go.”
11
When Miles calmly told them that morning he felt he needed to be punished for how he’d treated Brad, Charlie’s mouth dropped open a little.
“P-punished?” he stuttered. “How? Why?”
Brad looked shocked at first as well, but then understanding bloomed in his eyes. Charlie still didn’t get it, though. Why would Miles need punishment? He’d apologized to Brad, hadn’t he? Didn’t that mean everything was okay now? Charlie understood Miles had hurt Brad and agreed he'd behaved like an ass, but once he’d apologized, it was done. Right?
No Shame: The Complete Series: Including exclusive bonus materials and deleted scenes Page 126
